[Willy Rockwell]

I am completely baffled about how to handle the subject of ancestors and genealogy with my adopted son. For instance, he is studying the Revolutionary War in school and one of my ancestors fought in that war. That would be his great-something-grandfather, except he is not related to him.
How much meaning can my or my wife's family tree have to our son when he shares no genetic information with them?
Should I make an effort to trace his actual ancestry? Would that violate the privacy of the birth-mother? Should I just pretend that my family is his family?
Please advise if you have faced this issue in your family and come to a satisfactory solution.

[KilleDowns]

As an adoptee, I feel like my parents family IS my family. Just because I do not have the same blood running through my veins, does not take away from me sharing in my parents ancestors. Now that I have found my birth parents as well, I simply have that many more ancestors and relatives, and family, but that makes me no less proud of my father's great... uncle who participated in the spanish american war. This could still be a sensitive issue with your son, but please do NOT exclude him from your ancestors, he needs to feel like he completely belongs in the family. Hope this helps.

[slowdrowned]

This is a question I - as a birthmother - have been wondering about. Of course your ancestors are his ancestors - your family IS his family ... but he can't apply to join Sons of the American Revolution through your bloodline, right? (Or could he? I'm not even sure.) It's such a weird and sticky little subject - I'm a genealogy buff, personally, and have traced my family line waaaaay back. The irony of this is not lost on me.

Anyway, I've been wondering how my son's adoptive parents will handle this one day, because if he takes after me, he'll be interested on his own just from a historical perspective. I was thinking of mentioning in a letter, at some point, that if he ever wanted it, or they did, I'd be more than happy to send my own - and his birthfather's - family tree along. Can't speak for how your son's birthmother would feel, though; everyone is different and absolutely not everyone shares my fascination with history. On the other hand, how would you feel about hearing that offer - would it bother you? It's not a matter of my wanting to tell him "THIS is your family, not those people," just more like being willing to share if he ever wants to know the long road people have travelled to arrive at his birth. But I would absolutely keep my mouth shut about it unless he were to ask me as an adult if I had reason to believe they might misunderstand & be hurt by the idea. You know? Opinions, anyone?

[Stormy]

I have also wondered how "ancestors" will work in our family. Our youngest son has been adopted. I feel like our family history is his as well...but I also feel like he has his own personal genological history. Kinda like what Kille stated...twice as much. I have wanted to do his genological history too. In fact it is something I have really been wanting to work on a lot recently. I would love it if I were able to get some leads on that from his bio family. But they have closed the adoption and what information I have now may be all we will ever get. I think it is really neat to know...well this person was an ancestor or that person.

[lucyjoy]

I've never had any interest in geneology, so when my kids first brought this up, I had to really start thinking about it. My kids know our ancestry, and I've told them what I know about their bio ancestry which isn't much. I also told them about all the different people that have migrated to America and how we all are American. I also told them we are all part of God's family. They're satisfied for now, but I have a couple that will go looking later and I'll provide them any help I can to do this.

I often wish that during all these adoption procedures, a birth packet could be filled out with health info and nationality info.

[lambeausam]

Willy - as soon as those adoption papers were signed, your grandfather became your child's great-grandfather. Your ancestors are now his ancestors. I don't believe that adoption has deprived my sons of their geneology, but rather it has just added another branch in his tree. Adoption does not take away a child's heritage or geneology - it expands it!

[sweetnoodle]

I am an adoptee who always had a fascination with history and genealogy. When I started tracing my adoptive's family history, I considered it my own. Now, as an adult adoptee, I still don't differentiate betwen my blood relatives and my adoptive families relatives. It is the same debate about genetics or environment; we are a product of both.

For my children, I help them understand every aspect of where all their ancestors came from.

For your son, it is easier to trace his adoptive family origins just because you have already involved yourself in that. He doesn't have to bring up this subject in school. At his age he may find himself caught having to explain something he can't adequately address. If there is time to expand on it later, and bring three or four branches into his family tree, you can. Adoptees have that rare privilege, as the previous person stated, of having their geneaology expanded.

[sak9645]

and I am of Eastern European Jewish descent. I adopted her when she was 18.5 mo. old and I was "only" 51. She is now 7 years old and doing great.

My daughter knows that she has two families, and we both feel enriched by our dual heritage.

My daughter has my family. My mother and father are deceased, but she knows that they are her grandparents; she knows that, like her, her grandfather and her great-grandmother were immigrants, just from different countries (Russia and Romania). She has a great-aunt, my mother's sister, who is still living and who loves her very much. She has cousins galore. And she is being mentioned in a genealogy that is being written up by one of those cousins. She has become Jewish, like the rest of the family, and speaks and writes better Hebrew than most of our relatives because she attends a Jewish day school.

My daughter also has a birth family. Unfortunately, we know nothing about that family. It is difficult for a Chinese family to make an adoption plan, for cultural and legal reasons. As a result, abandonment is usually the only available route; it is not uncommon for a child to be placed somewhere where she/he is likely to be found, and sometimes, a member of the birth family hides nearby to make sure that she/he is found.

We talk often about the birth family. My daughter wonders if her birthparents were very slender and petite, like she is. I wonder if she got from them such traits as her musical ability, her facility with language, her sunny disposition, and so on. I consider my daughter's birth family as part of my own family history, and wish that I could fill in the details of that history someday.

Perhaps someday it will be possible for us to do search, though my daughter and I know that a search at this time could possibly expose her birth family to legal trouble or cultural opprobium.

[Willy Rockwell]

I want to thank you all for your considered and insightful replies. My wife and I have always presented our ancestors to our son as his ancestors, and I believe that is the correct response. If information is available from the birth-mother, so much the better.

Parents pass on much more than their genes, hair color or the shape of their nose. Mannerisms, expressions of speech, reaction to events and outlook on life are all bequeathed from generation to generation, and the adopted child receives this seamless chain of behavior. When my son looks at a broken toy and says "Well, back to the drawing board", he is duplicating the customary response of his grandfather, who he never even met. My mother's tolerance, my grandmother's frontier skepticism, my father's attention to detail, they all pass through me to my son, marking him as truly one of the family.

[angela1013]

Willie I hope you can stand one more reply.

I found out not that long ago that my birthparents were a mixture of Polish, Irish, and Blackfoot Indian-some mix! However my MOM (thats my adoptive mom) is Italian. I speak Italian, cook Italian, carry on Italian customs and married an Italian American. People tell us all the time they never saw a mother and daughter look so much alike- boy what a great compliment.

When I adopt my baby this year (2nd generation adoption!!!) He or she will also be brought up the same way I was and will probably say the same thing.

Enjoy your baby and congratulations dad!!

Angela

[albionmijan]

genelogy yours/ his adopted family you could let the boy know and take him to the church of JESUS CHRIST of latter day saints to do his own genelogy as well its a great place to learn of your/his ancestors where you could work side by side and learn lots as well as spending time with him he will thank you later on for sharing/caring about him i just had to write to you hope this helps. hey the church is listed in the yellow pages and they will never pressure you to join just work your family history at the library its really neat and the friends you meet there working in your history. take care and feel free to write me an update o.k. /peanutjan@allusaonline.com keep on ing, take care

[albionmijan]

Originally posted by lucyjoy
I've never had any interest in geneology, so when my kids first brought this up, I had to really start thinking about it. My kids know our ancestry, and I've told them what I know about their bio ancestry which isn't much. I also told them about all the different people that have migrated to America and how we all are American. I also told them we are all part of God's family. They're satisfied for now, but I have a couple that will go looking later and I'll provide them any help I can to do this.

I often wish that during all these adoption procedures, a birth packet could be filled out with health info and nationality info.

yes, i wish there was more info that was given at the time the girls wrere taken and i have grown up some as well. i gave up some pictures to my kids and hope they receive them(pic`s) as they turn of age i tried in vein to let them know their birth family names on the backs of those pictures of themselves of course i kept some too. but they needed some of themseleves too. take care and keep on ing. peanutjan

[lambeausam]

In the case of foster-adoption, I also wish more parents would complete the family history questionnaires. Too often, it seems the parents are so angry because of the termination of parental rights that they refuse to provide any family history in an attempt to "spite" the social services agency. What they don't realize is that it doesn't matter to the social services agency what the family history is, it only matters to the child.

For this reason, my oldest son does not have any information about his birth family. Information that I would love for him to have. The lack of information hurts him more that the neglect that he suffered for 2 1/2 years.

[bromanchik]

I am a birthmom in an open adoption. My son is 18. He has a family tree that includes not only his birthfamily and adoptive family, but my husband's family as well. We are all connected and he feels like he can honor all the parts of his life.

[Rayma]

I am an "adoptee" - I was never legally adopted. In school we had to do research on family last names to owr grandmothers maiden name to see what nationality our families are.

I'm 42 and have never bonded with my "adoptive family" even tho they got me straight from the hosital. My psyothereapist says that not bonding is not uncommon amoung adoptees. In fact I was glad to find out that I was not part of that family. I hated them!

So when I received this assingmet I told my teacher that I was adopted and did not have any information to use. She told me to use my adoptive family's information. I did, but the information was nothing to me, so I gave it to my "sister".

I am interesed in MY geanolical information. Becuase I was never even put up for adoption I have my origonal brth certificate and my bmom's. So I have last names and I rearched them. But I want the family stories...

On the day my amom died most of the family disowned me. I was still a minor and was treated like an enemy, by people who called me their sister. There was no will so I was not porvided for.

Yes I have a lot of issues...