[sweetnoodle]

In reading other boards, I have seen birthmothers become emotionally charged when someone says that the child they lost/gave up/relinquished for adoption was "abandoned."

I think what people mean is that no matter what the true details and facts are of the adoption experience, the adoptee has feelings of abandonment. They are feelings, not facts. Is there a better word to use? I don't want to offend birthmothers, but I just think that is the most accurate word to describe what adoptees feel.

For me personally, knowing all the details now of my relinquishment, I cannot say I wasn't abandoned; I don't have any other words to describe it.

Ideas?

[klembke]

Hi Nancy...
I can understand how you might feel abandonment when you have no answers and no where to turn to find those answers.

It's just my thought but maybe a better choice of words might just be to say "placed up for adoption" instead of the word abandonment when referring to the adoption process, and save the word abandonment for when you are actually describing your feelings.

I understand better now that I've read this post what your use of the word implies, but it's hard on these forums to make a clear distinction of who is trying to express thier feelings and who is trying to blast people...whether it be the birthmothers, adoptive parents or the adopted themselves.

As a birthmother, I've really been blown away by some of the things I've read in some of the forums that I've noticed both you and I chatting in. I suppose we - I should say I so I'm not speaking for anyone but myself - I suppose I feel that abandonment is not appropriate because of the mental images that come with the word abandonment. I think of someone leaving a basket at the doorstep with a baby and a note attached. But it's easier to rationalize the use of the word abandonment when you explain it the way you have.

I prefer to think of the adoption process I went through not as abandonment, but as selective placement. However, I was fortunate in that I was able to research the family I placed my child. I made the choice to place my child up for adoption knowing full well that he may not want me to ever be a part of his life...but even if that is his decision, I will always be available for him to answer any questions he might have. All I know is that the parents he has now are much better parents than I could have been to him and I'm very thankful that he has a loving family to support him.

Thanks for clearing up the abandonment usage for me..it has helped me understand a little better.
Kim

[sweetnoodle]

Kim, thank you for your thoughts and reply to this thread. I hope we all can continue to learn from each other.

[debsdone]

that was a harsh post marieh. this adoptee was asking a question to AVOID hurting b-moms, and you blasted her and called her a child. That is unfortunate. Abondonment issues are real, they don't always deal with actual abandonment. Debi

[jube]

Come on Marieh. Sweetnnodle was not implying that birthmothers abandon their children. She made it quite clear she did not mean to offend anyone, she was simply asking a question regarding the feeling of abandonment that some adoptees feel.

I KNOW from my social worker that my birth mother did NOT abandon me but I STILL went thru those feelings. My birth mother had the choice taken away from her. But I still felt feelings of abandonment. I never once said that she DID abandon me, I just felt those emotional feelings.

And no, I am NOT a child and wouldn't like to be called one in the manner that you implied in your post. Reading your post I felt like you were really putting us down (we are not 2 year olds ). And yes I do think beyond myself. I think of my birth mum every day; wondering if he is okay and how her life has been. I would love to tell her that I love her and that it's okay.

Please let's all support each other in this adoption tirad, let's stop beating each other up

[weesil88]

Hello,
I am 28 years old and I am an adoptee. I agree with you to some extent. I believe that how abandoned you feel is directly related to how much love you experienced in the family you grew up in and also the attitude you have toward life.

[jube]

I was bought up in a really loving home with great parents and all the support in the world. Adoption was a common word, nothing was ever hidden from me and I always had the support in my adoption search.

I am now married to a wonderful man with two beautiful children, but I still had feelings of abandonment. I THINK i know what you are trying to say, but I have all the love in the world and still had the feeling s of abandonment.

Does that make sense???

[jube]

Thanks for replying again Marieh and defining your views.

yes it must be hard for a bmum to think that her "baby' may think his/her bmum adandoned her.

I know my bmum didn't, but still had those feelings anyway. My birth mum bought me to NZ and I was taken from her and placed on foster care (she had epilepsy quite badly). Anyway my Adoptive Mum remembers hearing somewhere that the NZ social workers actually watched my birth mum get on the plane back to Australia. What a cheek, were they making sure she went!! Anyway that's another anger topic I won't bring up here LOL.

Keep smiling and supporting each other.
Jube

[shirleyville]

I also grew up in a VERY loving home, surrounded by grandparent's homes on both sides, and had a fabulous "Cleaver-esqu" life..........but I still have trouble with a nagging fear that anyone I love, or give my heart to, will "leave me" --- not intentionally, mind you...but somewhere along the line, just "disappear".
I didn't understand why for a long time....and believe me, I do NOT blame my birthmother for this. I love my birthmother and am thankful for the life I have on MANY levels. My feelings aren't HER "fault"....no one is "at fault". It's a primal manifestation of being seperated at birth.....
At least that's my thought on it.
I wouldn't blame my birthmother for anything in the world. She obviously did what she had to at the time, with my best interest at heart, as well as the best interest of herself and her family. I admire the fortitude she had to make scuh a decision, as it couldn't have been easy for anyone!
Hugs,
Sally

[sweetnoodle]

Everyone,

This is a very pertinent discussion, and I think all of you are handling yourselves beautifully. I think some of these threads become more like a soap opera then rational discussion about real issues that we all need to help each other with.

Just to clarify again, from my first post on this thread . . . sometimes if I really start to think about the whole reason I didn't grow up with my birthmother, I feel abandoned, but it certainly was much more complex than that, and also, I didn' just feel abandoned by her. In fact, I really felt abandoned by the whole family, and I think she felt the same way. She and my grandma fought to keep me, but they were in a bad situation. And believe me, I don't feel abandoned all the time, like I think about it constantly or anything. I am very fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with both my amom and my bmom. That is truly a blessing after reading all the posts from people having problems with these relationships.

I know it is extremely painful to birthmothers to ever consider their child feeling that way. It must be unbearable to even go there.

I like "placed for adoption" because I have started to hate saying "given up for adoption." See? THOSE WORDS. Words do matter, and I try so hard not to wound people with them. So, all of this is good advice.

[live2bhappy2003]

This topic really scares me of abandonment. When I look into our newborns eyes as I feed him, I wonder how she is going to view this issue? We are very loving parents and are educating ourselves as much as possible about adoption and how to discuss this with her throughout her upbringing. I also think it's vital that she know what a wonderful birthmother she has and why she chose to place her baby. Regardless of her reason, how can you ensure your child will grow up happy and secure regardless of how well we raise her because of being adopted.

[Linny]

Perhaps the term 'releasing for adoption' is better? I know I personally like that one.

While I cannot speak for the abandonment issue, only being an adoptive parent.....I can tell you of attitudes and comments from my children who are grown.

They do not understand why people are so emmeshed to search. They have always been told they would be supported if they chose to search. For one child, we have listings of names, addresses, relationship, etc. The idea to search is not important to them. As my daughter says, "to search also means that you take the risk of opening the Pandora's box. Some things are better off not knowing.'

As I say, I can only tell you what they feel. They are both successful young adults. Maybe some day, they may feel differently; but I know their dad and I have done the best we could, and the decision to search is, after all....their personal one.

Addressing the comment from someone that they were the 'adopted child'. Maybe this is wrong, but in our family , this is often referred to and spoken of with affection. We have a large family and everyone is adopted. Some of our children have a different 'race' than we. I have a problem when some people make the assumption that the 'one race of kids who look like us' are biological, and the others aren't. For this reason, it's standard to say, "No....everyone's adopted here!"....and it's said with much pride.

Sincerely,

Linny

[monroeman]

Live2behappy,

Well it's not quite that simple, but you've already won half the battle. You recognize the issue and are trying to prepare for it. You know as well as I do that we can't control outcomes in our kids, adopted or bio, but we can throw in some strongly mitigating factors to help sway things in the direction we want them to go.

First, just accept that feelings of grief, loss and abandonment are normal for adoptees. If and when they occur, it doesn't mean you failed somehow. It also doesn't mean that your child is emotionally "messed up" somehow. It's just part of the package we call adoption. And for my money, the pros beat heck out of the cons.

Now, all the good stuff you're going to do as a parent is going to help your child ride those waves a little easier. Maybe a lot easier. She is going to remember all of those good, positive things that you told her about her birthmom, and how she didn't give her up or give up on her, she gave her something better. (or however you want to phrase it.) Your daughter is going to remember how loved and secure she feels with you, and how much she loves you as mom and dad. If you do your best, you can't help but await the result in peace.

[dl]

When I hear the statement "abandonment", I also think of leaving an infant on a doorstep. Most of the posts I read from birthmothers it seems to me they did nothing that would come even close to "abandonment". It sound to me that they were trying to insure that their baby had a better life than they could give it. That is what I feel happened to me. I don't know what my life would have been with my birthparents but I do know that I had a very good life with my adoptive parents. Was it perfect, of course not. I don't know anyone that was raised with their biological parents that think their life was perfect either. But it was a good life and I'm grateful that for whatever reason my birthmother chose to give me the life that I have had.

[live2bhappy2003]

Hi,

Thank you so much for your reassurance and sound advice. I think what I need to do is also step back from reading so many stories from horrible outcomes by adoptees. I can understand their pain, but I can't help wonder if our child will suffer as well. Every situation is different, and we are taking all the right steps to ensure that our child is as well-adjusted as possible.

It really upset me a great deal to read some exerpts from "The Primal Wound", which is all theoretical information, and don't get me wrong, we are open-minded about some studies, but to generalize about how adoptees will "turn out" is dangerous.

As I did with my adult, biological children, I provided a lot of love, affection, time!!!!!, and ensured they had good morals and values. I'm so proud of them today, they are very close to their adopted sibling, and if I can basically follow the same program, I'm doing just fine! My husband is super supportive too, and being AA, he is a great role model for our biracial child.