My husband and I found out 2+ years ago that we were infertile. If it matters, our infertility is male factor. We are both college educated, have the money to adopt, and are in our early 30s. There is absolutely no chance that we can ever have our own children. After a year of "adjusting" my husband decided that we should adopt. I, of course, have been a proponent of adoption this entire time and have been patiently waiting for him to deal with things and get on the same page.

The first time he said let's look into it, I got lots of information and the minute we started to really learn what it was all about, he completely freaked out and said he needed more time. I was really upset, but decided that unless he was ready, we definitely should not move forward.

This same exact thing has happened 2 or 3 times since and every time, he gets really upset and wants to stop what we're doing. I start to have hope again, and get excited, then am crushed by him wanting to stop. This latest time, he asked me to look into it, I got the info, and we even started to watch that Adoption show that is on the Hallmark channel. 15 minutes into the show, he said it was stupid and left the room. We got books... he reads them and gets upset.

I've asked him countless times if its just a matter of him not really wanting children and he says that's not the case. When I ask him what is bothering him so much about adoption, he says he doesn't know. I personally believe that there is some deep-seated emotional issue that completely paralyzes him. It's like he is too afraid to really get in touch with his feelings to figure out what the problem is. He says that he just can't see himself going through the adoption process, regardless of how much he wants children. He seems okay with everything until he reads an adoption story, or has to deal with it somehow.

I don't know what to do. He refuses to go to counseling, and recognizes that he is preventing us from achieving what we both want (he assures me over and over and over that he wants kids). The thought of *not* having children completely fills me with dispair, hopelessness, and depression. I don't want to be over dramatic, but when I think about a childless life, I honestly think I'd rather just die right now. He told me tonight that he wishes that I could go through the adoption process alone, then just bring home a baby and he can be the daddy....

I've gone from being patient and loving and supportive, to becoming increasingly angry and confused over why he can't just deal with this. We want kids....... this is how we get them.... lets just do it! I am terrified that if we went to the classes that we have to attend to move forward that he would just get upset and walk out.

I told him tonight that I think that *I* needed counseling to deal with the fact that we might not ever have children and he told me that he thought that me getting some help dealing with this feeling of utter dispair was unecessary.

Is there anyone who can help me???? Has anyone else ever gone through this before, and how did you move beyond it????

[Support2Adopt]

{{{indy}}} I haven't been through anything like this, but wanted to offer you a big hug. I'm wondering if he is still having problems with adjusting to the fact that he is incapable of producing a biological child? Maybe by going ahead with an adoption, he feels that he really has to face that fact and accept it? Do you think he would be open to going to an information meeting at an adoption agency? That way he could find out more information, without committing to starting an adoption? As far as you doing all of the work in an adoption process, most of the time, it is the woman who does most of the work. I don't know why, but it just usually ends up that way. I hope you can make some progress here. It must be very difficult for you. Please keep us updated. JJ

Hi, I have never gone through what you are experiencing. I will say as an adoptive mom, you both need to be 100% dedicated to doing it. It is an emotional time and can turn your world upside down. Your husband does need to talk to someone, he needs to grieve and heal about his infertility issues. I will tell you to hang in there, but I understand that feeling inside of you that wants to be a mom. It can literally hurt! Have you looked into other options such as using a surrogate or sperm donor? I hope the two of you can resovle this! Good luck.

[David B]

Indystich,

My heart goes out to you! The previous posts were right about your husband going through the grieving process concerning his infertility. As a reminder --the stages of the grieving process are "Denial -- Anger -- Bargaining -- Negotiation -- Acceptance" (Kubler-Ross).

It may be difficult to move forward if he hasn't accepted that he will not be a "biological" father. Being a "biological" father does not make one a "real" father. Our country is full of men who have sperm but no heart! It takes a heart of love poured into the soul of a child to be a father. The seed of love is more important to being a father than our physical seed. A father is one who has the responsibility to be a protector, provider, and to prepare a child in the context of an unconditional loving relationship. Once a child is adopted, there is absolutely no distinction in regards to this responsibility!

It may be that what is keeping your husband from moving forward is that he has not yet begun to develop the heart of a father! Pray that he will open his mind and heart up to what it means to be a "real" father. Pray and be patient. Allow the Father of Love to work on his heart!

One suggestion: has he talked with other men who have adopted children? Does he have an opportunity to be around children?

Your in my prayers!

David Barnett
www.fathercoach.com

p.s. (I am an older child adoptee and know what it is like to have a b-father and an a-father. I also have three b-children).

[Angeleyes]

Hi.

When my husband and I found out we could not have children I was all for adoption. My husband on the other hand decided if he couldn't make babies he wasn't having any. I had no say in it. I went from trying to understand to homicidal and suicidal for a long time. Needless to say there was fights like you had never seen. Then, the ultimatums started. I had decided I wanted kids and I was goiing to have them whether I had a husband or not. I then had to sit down and decide what was important to me. I started spending more time with my husband and having a good time with him and realized I loved him and I couldn't force him to do something he had no intention of doing.

It took my husband almost 2 and a half years to deal with the fact that he wanted children and that he could not have them. We have finished all of our adoption classes, all our homestudy visits, and are waiting for the final write up of our homestudy. That being said. My husband will not read adoption books, he will not watch adoption stories on tv, he wants nothing to do with that. He wants just the facts and that's it.

For some men being able to have a child makes them a man. It proves something to them. You hear about the women who get pregnant with multiples and all the men are like yeah man when you do it you do it. For them I think adoption is admitting to themselves that they are not doing it. That they are less of a man. And its hard to deal with.

Just like you mourn the child that will never be he mourns that child also. He also blames himself for the fact that child is not going to exist. He also blames himself for how you feel. That is a lot of pressure.

So, my advice is to put the books away or read them when he is not around. Watch the hallmark channel in another room. Educate yourself and the next time he says he is ready you say ok here are our options (give him the bare facts) and ask him which do you want to do. Sometimes i think all the books and pamphlets and all the options are confusing and overwhelming. He also needs to deal with his infertility issue cause that will come up in your homestudy and if he is not comfortable with it the worker is going to know.

Angel

PS. If you ever want to talk you can email me at angel_moore1975@yahoo.com

[Homeschooler]

Wow, I think Angel says pretty much all of it. The only thing that I would like to add is that the homestudy is invasive. Some men take that as a threat, on an emotional level. Someone is going to come into my home, ask me about sex, and JUDGE me. Their 'role' is protector and provider and someone is going to judge them and interfere with that role. Sometimes I think the process is harder on the males than the females.

God will work this out in His timing. Just hang in there.

Homeschooler

Just a quick note to thank you for your responses. Things on this end are starting to look up again. We'll see how it goes.

Homeschooler, they are going to ask us about sex? Nothing I've read about the homestudy process has said that this will be a topic of discussion. How is this relevant to whether you are a suitable parent?

[Angeleyes]

They didn't ask us about sex. If they had that might have been the one topic my dh actually liked discussing LOL


Angel

[JeanDaveMatt]

Hi, my first post on any board...anyway, your search for support touched me. My husband was virtually non-existant during the adoption process. I basically researched, wrote, filled out forms, obtained necessary documents, etc. ALL on my own. I even had to re-write some of my husband's personal profile to make him appear softer. However, the first time my older son was placed in my husband's arms shortly after birth by his birthmother, he totally understood adoption. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't want it to be a central focus but he now "gets it." My advice, ease up, do the work (as long as he goes with the flow) and before long you, also, will experience the joys of parenthood. Good Luck!

Jeannie, mommy of Matty 3 and Christopher 1

[Sabs]

What a difficult situation to be in! My husband was extremely resistant to even the idea of adoption. Our situation is different, in that we had biological children already when I approached him with the idea of adoption. He absolutely refused to even discuss it...to the point that we eventually ended up having another bio child rather than adopt. After our 3rd child, I was absolutely convinced that we should adopt our 4th (and last) child.
I didn't lay off (as everyone suggests you do) when he refused to listen. I didn't "hide" my adoption books or the information I'd gathered. Instead, I read him bits and pieces that I found interesting. I was tenacious. I felt God was calling us to adopt a child. He said "Well, God isn't calling me!" and I replied with "Oh, yes He is! He is calling to you, through me!"
Anyway, I think you ultimately must decide whether you can live a childless life. Do you want to be married without children? Do you think you can love someone with an open heart...knowing he will never be open to adopting? Your husband has had 2 years to accept his infertility and move on. He has chosen not to do so. You must decide now, for yourself, how much longer you are willing to give him. Are you prepared to give up the dream of a child? If not, how much longer are you willing to wait for your husband to come to grips with this situation?
I think if your husband isn't willing to go to counselling, maybe you should go yourself, to help answer some questions about your marriage, life, and options.
I wish you all the best.

Well.. thank you everyone for your replies. About a month ago, my husband just clicked in with adoption. I don't know what did the trick, but I think it may be the fact that I told him I was proceeding and if he still wanted to not adopt, he could say so at the last minute. Right now he's fully on board to the point that he's telling his friends and family how wonderful he feels about the whole process. I know him pretty well, and I don't think he's going to change his mind at this point.

We have turned in all of our paperwork for our homestudy, and are just waiting for our background checks to come back so that we can schedule our home visit and interview. We are also working on our open adoption portfolio.

I just wanted to provide an update and thank everyone for their input and understanding.

[Angeleyes]

Hi Indystitch,

I am so glad things have worked out for you. I hope the process is a quick ad painless one for you.

Good luck,

Angel

[debsdone]

Hi Indy! I am happy your hubby is on track with you now. If he wavers, this may help you. bio dads are the same! How many pregnant women complain that he won't read the books, does not like the classes? I think, to some degree, it's a guy thing. I had kids with 2 hubbys and they were the same. There, but not there. But they rallied when baby was born, so it's ok with me! Sometimes the best way my hubby knows how to be a good daddy is to listen to my instincts. Not everyone is a "natural". Oh, I so wish you luck! debi