[jboschma]

We brought our son home at the begining of April when he was two days old. We have an open adoption with his birth mom and had our first meeting with her the other day. birthmom used meth during her first five months of pregnancy and then "messed up" a few times after that. We were supposed to get her one year old son as well but at the last minute she changed her mind and kept him.
birthmom is living in a shed and her one year old is living with her mom who is also a meth user. It seemed like she was pretty clear headed the other day and she doesn't have any new scratches one her arms or anything that we could see so hopefully she is clean now.
It was harder for me than my husband and I'm sure its normal with the situation. She kept reffering to him as "my son" and herself as his mommy. I know that technically that is all true I just hadn't thought that much about how she would reffer to herself. I know this is all part of the process and it will get easier. We reffer to her as his birthmom and even though he doesn't grasp that now we are hoping it will just be a normal phrase around the house by the time he does. Any thoughts, suggestions, your stories?

[BlackSheep]

If I understand your post correctly, you are in the process of adopting this child-don't know if it is finalized yet-- and "technically" YOU are the "mommy" and this child is YOUR son. Bmom needs to understand that while she gave birth to this boy, she gave over those titles to you and your DH with the adoption, you aren't just "permanent babysitters" for her. Even with an open adoption, you will need to definitely set boundaries as far as names, etc. IMO, I would say that you may need to set up some "rules" for visits. Items that you need to make sure that you and bmom are clear on. As you indicated, your son may not understand at this point, but, he will sooner than you may think. Being clear on WHO is WHO is where I would start. While she is bmom, you are mom and that needs to be clear on all sides so that there is no confusion down the line. You want the absolute best for your son and so does she so there is common ground to start on.

I am not an adoptive parent, but am an adoptee and a bmom. While open adoption was not a choice for me, I would never "expect" my BD to call me "mom" except by her choice (and she is now 26!). That, to me, is "sacred ground" and a reserved title that needs to be earned.