[OKLibrarian]

I'm posting this here instead of in the adoptive parents forum because I would like to get input from all sides of the triad. I also know that ultimately we have to make our own choice on this--I just know that there are perspectives we will never fully understand because we've never lived them.

We've come to this point in a different way than some--basically I've known since I was fairly young that it would be a bad idea for me to get pregnant for health reasons, so I haven't ever gone through the whole fertility roller coaster. Our questions in a way are more like semi-young professional adults (early 30s) who are first considering the notion of having a family.

We think we want to parent, but do we really? We don't have that (for lack of a better word) hunger I see in a lot of the forums here--we think we could do a decent job of parenting, but our lives will not collapse if it isn't meant to be. Does that mean we don't want it enough?

Also, *Can* we do it? I read a lot of those "are you ready to parent" brochures agencies give to pregnant women, and they scare me stiff. Here's an example --how on earth do I know we can do all this, or that I'll feel what I'm "supposed" to feel when the time comes??? I mean, if agencies are encouraging women to relinquish if they aren't *sure* they can do all these things, what right do I have to adopt if I haven't a clue how to change a diaper or if I want to jab an icepick through my ear whenever I hear the Spongebob Squarepants theme song? What if DH can't always curb his dirty jokes? Can we manage not to go up to the school and start knocking heads when our kid gets taunted on the playground? We have love to give, but is it parental love?

Finally, by adding love and joy and purpose (for lack of a better word) to our lives, are we going to destroy other lives? We want an adoption that is at least semi-open--it sounds like the best thing for baby and birthmom would be monthly letters and F2F visits a few times a year. And yet...I read the adoptee and birthmom forums and read so much loss and anger and pain. Is it selfish for us to want to adopt? Will we be ruining other lives just so we can experience the joy of 3 AM feedings? If adoption will hurt our child and/or our child's mother, then I'm not sure I want to do it.

I've got a lot of contradictory emotions and worries running through my head, and I could really use the perspective of those who have BTDT, on any and all sides of the triad. Thanks so much!

[shadow riderer]

Wow! I really don't know what to tell you. I am an adoptee, and I'm really not in a position to advise you. I think in the end, only you can answer your questions.

Here's what I'll say as an adoptee. Keep in mind this is just my thoughts as a person who:

1. at over 40 has no children myself

2. has never even thought much about being a parent myself...always too busy with "my" goals, and never really in a position to think about it seriously

3. takes commitment very seriously.

Don't adopt because somewhere in your mind society says being a parent/raising a family is what you are expected to do. There is nothing wrong with choosing to not have children if you are happy with your life.

Adoption is a life long commitment to a child, not a test to see if you will be a good parent. It's not a project to see if you can succeed at raising a child.
If you choose to adopt, do so because you simply want to love a child, with no expectation that your life will be completed by this child.

Again, keep in mind I have no clue really, but your post touched something in me.

My adoptive mother was a person, who just wanted to love her children. She wasn't perfect by any means. She made many parenting mistakes. She did her best to love us. Because of that love, there is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

Yes, there is pain in adoption. It is, however, something that can be healed. It wont be easy at times, but with "love", it is doable.

Good Luck. Let your heart lead you, and I think you will make the right decision for you.

[JustPeachy]

I did not have other children after relinquishing my child, but this was pretty much by choice (some of it was by circumstance, too). To be honest, I felt a lot like you, in that if I didn't experience parenthood, it wouldn't be earth-shattering for me. I met my husband when I was older, still young enough to have children if we really wanted, but he really didn't want to and I was not really feeling the maternal drive strong enough to push for it at that time in my life.

I don't feel my life is ruined for having made an adoption plan for my only child. It was not easy by any means, and yes, there was grief and loss, and there are difficult emotions that still can come up every so often, but I certainly don't blame his parents for that. I've had semi-open with my son, got to receive pictures and updates which helped me a lot. I don't know if my son has "issues" being adopted, but I can tell you that he has had a wonderful life, great parents, a secure upbringing that I could not have provided him with at the time, and opportunities that he would never have had. I am truly thankful for that.

Have you thought about maybe volunteering with babies or little kids, or if you have a family member or friend with a baby or small child, seeing if they would let you spend time with them to see how you like the experience? That may help you decide if you really want to be a full-time parent. There are many other ways to be involved with kids if parenting 24/7 does not appeal to you. Being the cool auntie/uncle to your nieces and nephews (if you have them) or friends' kids, volunteering (Big Brothers/Big Sisters--this might also be something for you to explore now to see if you enjoy children), mentoring, tutoring, respite childcare, etc.

Keep in mind, you don't have to do things like watch Sponge Bob or listen to awful music just because you have kids. I don't think your husband would have to stop telling dirty jokes altogether, but maybe not within earshot of the kids (depending on how "off color" they were!). Your lifestyle will change, certainly, but your whole personality doesn't have to.

Do you know any adoptees or birthmothers IRL? I think you may find on the boards that people are coming here for support and may be struggling with difficult issues. That doesn't mean evey adoptee or birthmom is in a state of crisis all the time. I think, too, while it can still be hard for birthmoms even in OA, the things that women faced years ago in closed adoptions, especially if if they were forced to relinquish, are going to be much harder to come to terms with. I don't think you can really compare how adoptions were handled in the baby scoop era, with how they are done today, even though I acknowledge there are still improvements that need to be made, and unscrupulous agencies that still exist. Given that, OA is not going to erase the pain of relinquishment entirely, the birthmom will grieve, the adoptee will have the loss of not growing up in his or her biological family, etc. That is just the fact of adoption-loss is a part of it.

Not sure if this has helped at all, but just wanted to wish you good luck, whatever you decide!

[ocracoke]

Becoming a parent is a very personal choice and you are the only ones who can make that decision.

As an adoptee I will say that not all adoptees feel large amounts of pain and hurt for being adopted. I think the fact that you are thinking about these things and trying to make plans to couteract them (ie semi open adoption) means that you have a better chance of raising a healthy adoptee. Of course, we parents will always screw up our children in some way. LOL

As an adoptive parent, I will say that if you are waiting to know that you will be a good parent then you will never become one. A large part of being a parent is taking the leap into the unknown and just doing it. If that is impossible for you then maybe it is not right for you. Also plan on your life being turned upside down. You don't like sponge bob -- that is okay. I don't like Barney so there is no Barney in my house. But my life revolves around my daughter. Her world is priority. I live in a constant state of sleep deprivation. My house might qualify as a natural disaster zone. I have a whole lot less spending cash. I repeat myself constantly. My CD's include songs like ABCs and This Little Light of Mine. I haven't read a book (other then a parenting book) that doesn't have more pictures then words in at least 2 years. And I can't even tell you how often I have to deal with bodily fliuds. But I wouldn't change any of it for the world. This week my little girl walked up to me, hugged my arm and said "I love you so much mama!" You need to decide if it makes sense for you.

Best of luck on your decision,
Samantha

[OKLibrarian]

Originally Posted by shadow riderer

Wow! I really don't know what to tell you. I am an adoptee, and I'm really not in a position to advise you. I think in the end, only you can answer your questions.

Here's what I'll say as an adoptee. Keep in mind this is just my thoughts as a person who:

1. at over 40 has no children myself

2. has never even thought much about being a parent myself...always too busy with "my" goals, and never really in a position to think about it seriously

3. takes commitment very seriously.

Don't adopt because somewhere in your mind society says being a parent/raising a family is what you are expected to do. There is nothing wrong with choosing to not have children if you are happy with your life.

Adoption is a life long commitment to a child, not a test to see if you will be a good parent. It's not a project to see if you can succeed at raising a child.
If you choose to adopt, do so because you simply want to love a child, with no expectation that your life will be completed by this child.

Again, keep in mind I have no clue really, but your post touched something in me.

My adoptive mother was a person, who just wanted to love her children. She wasn't perfect by any means. She made many parenting mistakes. She did her best to love us. Because of that love, there is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

Yes, there is pain in adoption. It is, however, something that can be healed. It wont be easy at times, but with "love", it is doable.

Good Luck. Let your heart lead you, and I think you will make the right decision for you.

Thanks for your response! We also take commitment very seriously (too much so?), and had always seen ourselves as "probably childfree" up until the last few years, as our finances got more stable, friends started having kids, and we started feeling a bit like there was "something more" we could or should be doing in our life.

Not "should" in the sense that there's something we're supposed to do--We're two liberal agnostic nerds living in the bible belt, and doing something because society tells us to is not ever gonna happen-- but "should" in the sense that God/Fate/Whatever has provided us with good brains and the opportunities that come with being middle-class professionals in the US, and it's our responsibility to use those gifts to make a better future. Also, I've been feeling a lot of pent up energy (maternal instinct?) that I want to put into loving and nurturing *something*--be it a garden, a volunteer cause, or a child. We're also blessed with great parents who have never put any pressure on us to provide grandkids.

And yes, I am fully aware that all kids have issues, and ours would have stuff to work through both adoption-related and unrelated, no matter how perfect we managed to be (probably not very!). I'll spare you the emo details, but DH and I both had a lot of struggles in our childhood and teen years, and were helped through them by understanding and loving parents and friends. I guess there is a part of me that wants to pay that forward.

We *think* we want to love a child and help him/her become the best adult he or she can be--but there's the idea of that and the reality of that. Also, we like being around babies and (well-behaved) young kids--the former for their obvious cuteness, the latter for their curiosity and imagination about the world. I know there's a lot more to it than that, though. And I remember the pain I and DH went through as teenagers trying to figure out who we were in some very trying circumstances--mostly I worry that I couldn't do as good a job as our parents did.

This make any sense?

[OKLibrarian]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I did not have other children after relinquishing my child, but this was pretty much by choice (some of it was by circumstance, too). To be honest, I felt a lot like you, in that if I didn't experience parenthood, it wouldn't be earth-shattering for me. I met my husband when I was older, still young enough to have children if we really wanted, but he really didn't want to and I was not really feeling the maternal drive strong enough to push for it at that time in my life.

I don't feel my life is ruined for having made an adoption plan for my only child. It was not easy by any means, and yes, there was grief and loss, and there are difficult emotions that still can come up every so often, but I certainly don't blame his parents for that. I've had semi-open with my son, got to receive pictures and updates which helped me a lot. I don't know if my son has "issues" being adopted, but I can tell you that he has had a wonderful life, great parents, a secure upbringing that I could not have provided him with at the time, and opportunities that he would never have had. I am truly thankful for that.

Have you thought about maybe volunteering with babies or little kids, or if you have a family member or friend with a baby or small child, seeing if they would let you spend time with them to see how you like the experience? That may help you decide if you really want to be a full-time parent. There are many other ways to be involved with kids if parenting 24/7 does not appeal to you. Being the cool auntie/uncle to your nieces and nephews (if you have them) or friends' kids, volunteering (Big Brothers/Big Sisters--this might also be something for you to explore now to see if you enjoy children), mentoring, tutoring, respite childcare, etc.

Keep in mind, you don't have to do things like watch Sponge Bob or listen to awful music just because you have kids. I don't think your husband would have to stop telling dirty jokes altogether, but maybe not within earshot of the kids (depending on how "off color" they were!). Your lifestyle will change, certainly, but your whole personality doesn't have to.

Do you know any adoptees or birthmothers IRL? I think you may find on the boards that people are coming here for support and may be struggling with difficult issues. That doesn't mean evey adoptee or birthmom is in a state of crisis all the time. I think, too, while it can still be hard for birthmoms even in OA, the things that women faced years ago in closed adoptions, especially if if they were forced to relinquish, are going to be much harder to come to terms with. I don't think you can really compare how adoptions were handled in the baby scoop era, with how they are done today, even though I acknowledge there are still improvements that need to be made, and unscrupulous agencies that still exist. Given that, OA is not going to erase the pain of relinquishment entirely, the birthmom will grieve, the adoptee will have the loss of not growing up in his or her biological family, etc. That is just the fact of adoption-loss is a part of it.

Not sure if this has helped at all, but just wanted to wish you good luck, whatever you decide!

Thanks Peachy--just hearing that there are birthmoms who have been able to pick up and have happy lives helps a lot. I'm not under any illusion that this doesn't leave everyone with some loss--even though I've been wrapping my head around the idea I would never be a biological mom since I was in my teens, it still stings me from time to time--the loss of the potential and the luxury of naivete that our friends have had going into the parenting process. Several of our friends are adoptees, from situations with varying degrees of openness, and all seem to think we would do an awesome job. There are two married couples we're close to that have kids. We've had some opportunities to hang out with the first couple's blended brood, and we've thought about offering to baby sit our other friends' toddler for a day/weekend. We don't really know any birthmoms well though, which is why I'm so glad and reassured to have your input.

As far as my somewhat flippant comments about children's programming and adult humor, I've no doubt we'll adapt. My husband also has a appallingly large arsenal of (clean and terrible) puns at his disposal...

[kretzklan]

Worrying about parenting skills is something that never goes away. I question a little someting nearly every day...but I think that means I'm trying to grow and fit what my kids need. I firmly believe that some people are not "baby moms"...I was one of those. Really did not like raising my oldest child until he was about 4. So when we discussed adoption, I knew I wanted to skip all that. I wouldn't say I'm selfish...however, I cannot give up all "my time"...I'm nasty when I lose sleep and I really don't want to touch anyone's bodily fluids. Hey, it's who I am. So, my kids needed me and I needed them. So, figuring out where you are and what you really want is great. If it turns out to be a baby - go for it...if it turns out not to be - go for it still! Good luck!

[OKLibrarian]

Originally Posted by ocracoke

Becoming a parent is a very personal choice and you are the only ones who can make that decision.

As an adoptee I will say that not all adoptees feel large amounts of pain and hurt for being adopted. I think the fact that you are thinking about these things and trying to make plans to couteract them (ie semi open adoption) means that you have a better chance of raising a healthy adoptee. Of course, we parents will always screw up our children in some way. LOL

As an adoptive parent, I will say that if you are waiting to know that you will be a good parent then you will never become one. A large part of being a parent is taking the leap into the unknown and just doing it. If that is impossible for you then maybe it is not right for you. Also plan on your life being turned upside down. You don't like sponge bob -- that is okay. I don't like Barney so there is no Barney in my house. But my life revolves around my daughter. Her world is priority. I live in a constant state of sleep deprivation. My house might qualify as a natural disaster zone. I have a whole lot less spending cash. I repeat myself constantly. My CD's include songs like ABCs and This Little Light of Mine. I haven't read a book (other then a parenting book) that doesn't have more pictures then words in at least 2 years. And I can't even tell you how often I have to deal with bodily fliuds. But I wouldn't change any of it for the world. This week my little girl walked up to me, hugged my arm and said "I love you so much mama!" You need to decide if it makes sense for you.

Best of luck on your decision,
Samantha

Samantha--I've no doubts we will screw up our kid somehow, I just want to make sure they have the resillience and tools to recover from our inevitable mistakes! :-)

And I'm well aware that if we wait for the "perfect" time, it will never come. We're just thinkers and planners (I'm a Librarian, he's a software developer, we're pretty much the poster children for OCD), and I'm trying to think of all the ways we can prepare for bringing a very large variable into our lives. I suspect that if I could get pregnant we'd have just done it already, but the adoption process provides a plethora of options for overthinking this. ;-)

[NJNative]

DOES make me want to stick an ice pick in my ear. But I have managed to raise an adopted son who is going to turn 18 in a few weeks, despite Sponge Bob.

And you are never ready to be a parent...LOL..if you think you are, you are kidding yourself. I just never anticipated the need to tell a small person:

• Not to stick a key in the electrical outlet again.
• That you can't bring anything that is or was alive into the house.
• Take a shower with SOAP and SHAMPOO.
• Exactly what gay people do when they have sex (he was 10).

And that's just a sampling. The moms here can make your hair stand straight up with some of the things their kids have said and done. But we wouldn't trade them for the world.

Ask yourself this -- are you willing, without a thought, to sleep with a 5 year old who has managed to puke all over you and the room, knowing that YOU will be puking by tomorrow.

That's what being a parent is about.

Robin

[shadow riderer]

OH, my goodness, you ladies are better women than I. lol I can't tell you the number of times Ihave been asked if I regret not having children. I have to admit, I wonder what it would be like. Then I read stuff like you have typed and, well, and I say this in a most lighthearted and humorous way: The best thing about children...is wehn they belong to other people. lolOh, Lord, the images that are going through my head. lol
All I have left to say, "God bless all you who are mothers."

[gracemetcalf]

OkLibrarian-- I think we share a brain! My DH and I have gone round and round on the exact same issues you raise here. I have no advice except to say you are not alone!

[OKLibrarian]

Originally Posted by NJNative

DOES make me want to stick an ice pick in my ear. But I have managed to raise an adopted son who is going to turn 18 in a few weeks, despite Sponge Bob.

And you are never ready to be a parent...LOL..if you think you are, you are kidding yourself. I just never anticipated the need to tell a small person:

• Not to stick a key in the electrical outlet again.
• That you can't bring anything that is or was alive into the house.
• Take a shower with SOAP and SHAMPOO.
• Exactly what gay people do when they have sex (he was 10).

And that's just a sampling. The moms here can make your hair stand straight up with some of the things their kids have said and done. But we wouldn't trade them for the world.

Ask yourself this -- are you willing, without a thought, to sleep with a 5 year old who has managed to puke all over you and the room, knowing that YOU will be puking by tomorrow.

That's what being a parent is about.

Robin

LOL! I don't even know that we'd make it till 10 for the last one, as one of the "married" couples w/ kids we referenced above actually isn't allowed to be hitched in the eyes of the state--yet. :-) And I'm not quite old enough to have forgotten some of the stunts my brother and I pulled--a belt buckle in a light socket, presenting my third grade teacher with a dead tarantula, and some youthful misadventures with computer hacking come springing to mind. Maybe I could broach the vomit question with DH--that certainly takes some of the romance out of the concept, doesn't it?

[OKLibrarian]

Originally Posted by gracemetcalf

OkLibrarian-- I think we share a brain! My DH and I have gone round and round on the exact same issues you raise here. I have no advice except to say you are not alone!

That's actually good to hear--sometimes it seems as I lurk around here that all PAPs have (or are supposed to have) this insatiable urge to parent that I just don't have. I'm not saying we *don't* want to parent--I'm beginning to think I really do (thanks in part to this thread), but that if it didn't happen for some reason, I could still have a happy fulfilling life with no real regrets. Sort of like I really want to join the peace corps and/or move abroad when we retire, but if it never happens, it won't destroy my life either.

[minibus]

As an adoptive parent, I can give you my perspective.

In terms of not feeling the "hunger" - you may not be ready to be an adoptive parent, then. Not because you're not ready to be a parent, but you have to be willing to slog through the huge amount of trouble, financial stress, invasiveness into your personal lives and thoughts, and sheer annoyance of the red tape of adoption. Frankly, it's a pain in the you-know-where. If all parents had to go through what adoptive parents have to go through in order to be parents ... let me tell you ... there would be a lot less kids in the world! I think that you do have to have quite a bit of hunger, for lack of a better term, to make it through the roller coaster of adoption. Or you could just use your OCD tendencies, like I did. When we were getting closer to the end of our paperwork process, part of me was thinking "Am I doing this to get it done because I'm competitive / don't like to leave things incomplete or because I really am READY to be a parent RIGHT NOW?"

The day-to-day of parenting: I think that in the link you provided - I'm not sure that I could answer all of those questions with a "yes, I'm like that 24/7" either. Let's face it, having a child(ren) impacts your life tremendously ... and all parts of your life. If you want your life to stay the same as it is now (being able to have fun with a child and "give him back" to his parent when he's crying/whining/kind of boring now), not having to accommodate your child's wants/needs when you have wants/needs as well, etc., then you may want to put off parenting, at least for a while.

I was always scared of parenting an infant ... I've had lots of experience with older (5 y.o. and up), but I'm finding that I love seeing how quickly the changes happen with an infant - it's truly pretty darn amazing!

Are you going to destroy other lives? I think what you see on these boards is the extremes, as is the case on the Internet in general. When people post, they are often posting at times of extreme happiness or extreme distress, or relating to people in those circumstances. There are definitely lots of examples out there of adoptive parents / birthparents / adopted children / adopted adults who are extremely well adjusted and happy with their life's circumstances.

Best of luck with your decision. Keep us posted!

[pmbuchholz]

I am an adult adoptee...I think you sound sincere and you should go for it!! Chances are if you're thinking about it you feel stonger about it than you can tell on the surface. Everyone always says my AMom and and ADad are so "special" for adopting 6 kids...I just say they must have been nuts!! My Mom always says that they were selfish to want all those kids for themselves!! Anyway my life hasn't been perfect but no children that grow up with their Bparents can say that either!! My Mom and Dad...adopted or not they ARE my Mom and Dan were good parents. I'm the youngest of 6 and sure I have had some feelings that have not been resolved because I have not known my biological history but I would never give up what I've been blessed to have to know all of that either. Hopefully someday I will know more but my records are closed. It sounds like your life is settled and if you think you have room in it for a kid then you do!! You'll get the hang of it!! I had a boy at 20 and was single and a girl at 35 and married...it's all still just as new and I fumbled around with diapers or toys but my kids are okay, I love them and them me (most of the time) and now I'm gonna be a grandma too!! Two of my sibblings were older kids...consider adopting older if you can...they need loving parents to and you might realize that the bond might even be stronger because they have been waiting so long for a family...at any rate good luck with everything!! Feel free to keep in touch with me, I'll be interested to hear what you decide!
Tricia