[Valkyri]

This subject is all so new to me. I have so many questions. Can you tell me three things?
1. Why have you adoptive parents decided to a adopt a child?
2. Do you birth parents regret the adoption?
3. Do you adopted people have feelings of resentment, gratitude, what?
Please, I'm just trying to wrap my brain around all this, and I need to know the feelings from what the majority of those involved have been through.
I don't mean any disrespect, or harm. I'm just confused.
Thanks in advance for any responses.
(38 year old grandma)

[BrandyHagz]

You won't hear from those who have no issues regarding their adoptions - they aren't here...with the exception of a few...most people don't seek out support, unless they have a need for it...

I do not regret placing my child for adoption - I resent being put in the position to have to chose - but the decision I made was the best one for her, myself and the son I was raising.

I also have no feelings of resentment or gratitude - as an adopted person. It just is what it is...my birthmother made the best decision she could make at the time and she has told me she doesn't resent her decision either.

[browneyes0707]

As a birthmom, do I regret my decision? No. However, lately I have been struggling with whether or not I should have explored parenting a little more. (I really didn't explore that option very well, for reasons that are extensive and will hijack the thread, LOL)

It's normal, I feel, to entertain the what if's at times, they will always be there and there will be times where they are stronger than others, but the bottom line is that there are always going to be questions about the path not taken, and it can drive you crazy. I like my life as it has turned out and DD has an awesome life and amazing parents. We wouldn't have the lives we have if not for my choosing adoption. So there really is nothing to regret

[kakuehl]

As a birthmom, what I regret are the actions that led to the adoption. In other words having a child before I was in the position to care for him the way I believed he needed. I do not resent anyone or anything. I was not coerced into my decision. I do regret not being there to see D grow up. I have the joy of getting to know the adult he has become - a bitterseet blessing.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm a birth parent.

Yes, I regret the adoption though I have an amazing relationship with my daughter and her family. I regret matching through an unethical agency that lied to me in order to get me to place. I regret hurting those in my family by placing. I regret that my parented child(ren) has(have) lost out on a day-to-day relationship with their sister.

That said, I'm one of the lucky few who has a fully open adoption, with visits, and I am fully aware of how blessed that I am. None of my anger issues are directed at my daughter's family who acted beautifully (and ethically) throughout the process and continue to do so.

[Free_to_be_me]

As a birthmom, I have absolutely no regret about placing my daughter. I am truly happy about the decision, despite the pain I felt for so long and still feel occasionally. It was really the right decision for me.

I don't have very many adoption issues in my life. My purpose for being here is mainly to have an adoption community around me in case an issue comes up...Kind of like pre-support! I don't know very many birthparents in real life, and like having people around who have experienced some of the same things I have.

[Leigh131313]

Amom chiming in!!

We adopted our child because we were emotionally done with fertility treatments. For us, adoption was just another way for our family to be built. It's easier in some aspects and much more difficult in other - but adoption was the path meant for us.

[TxMom65]

Adoptive Mom

My husband and I knew of a child in foster care who was going to be going up for adoption. We had always had a special place in our hearts for her. When all possible family had been tried, we decided to go for it ourselves.
She asked us first if we had ever thought of adopting and then we decided we should. It was a long road but we are lucky to have her.

[myheart]

Amommy

The reason we adopted.....it just happened. I wanted more than anything to be a mom. I had stopped all fertility treaments (11 1/2 years of it) and placed all my hopes and dreams of becoming a mommy in God's hands. I never thought that my child would come in my life through adoption....I had never researched adoption or even talked about it. I believe in my situation it was just meant to be ( like browneyes my story is too long and detailed, I will not hi jack)
The bottom line is, all I wanted was to be a mommy and thanks to God, I am! To A handsome 8yr old angel, we are also in a fully open adoption (another scenario that just happened)

[JPDakota]

Well, I guess I'm Brandy's exception. No issues with my adoption and no issues with being an adoptive mother.
1. Why have you adoptive parents decided to a adopt a child? We got married relatively late in life and were unable to get pregnant right away. We had initially planned to adopt, but then the costs were tough for us, so we decided to conceive. When we didn't, we decided to give adoption another thought.
2. Do you birth parents regret the adoption? N/A
3. Do you adopted people have feelings of resentment, gratitude, what? This is an excellent question. I wish I had an excellent answer. I love my Mother, and I was very close to my Dad. I have a great extended family. It has always worked for me and I have always fit in. I know that doesn't happen for everyone. I harbor no resentment toward my birth family, but I also feel no gratitude. The truth is I just don't care about them one way or another. Never wanted to meet them, not curious, nada.

[taramayrn]

As a birthmom in an open adoption I don't necessarily regret the adoption itself, as Brandy said, I do regret being placed in the situation where adoption needed to be a choice.

I will be honest with you, if I knew what I know now, I don't know that I would have chose adoption.

But, we can't see into the future and I believe I made the best choice based on the information I had at that time.

[dlhall]

I'm an adoptive mom. After starting down the infertility road someone posed the question to us "what's more important: getting pregnant or being a parent?" The answer was clear to us and we stopped the treatments and started the adoption procedure. We now have two beautiful children whom I couldn't imagine loving more. Honesty, sometimes I even forget they are adopted!

Liz

[mom2behappy]

I have never thought about actually giving birth have always used birth control, for me i have always wanted to parent a child though it seems strange because i used birth control, @ the age of 21 i filed for custody of my then 7 yr old niece and it was granted im proud 2 say she is now 22 with her bachelors and working towards her career while studying for her masters, i then went on to become a foster parent im 35 yrs old and have been fostering for the past 14 yrs, i am currently adopting my 2 yr old foster son and i love him to pieces, i would have liked to have a relationship with his mother but she abandoned him @ birth then came forward when he was 1 month and visited him for less then 5 minutes concluding she wanted him to be adopted, mom currently has an addiction and needs to take care of that and herself before she can even begin to understand the precious Jewel she left behing, will i allow that? im praying everyday she gets her life together because my son needs to know and understand where he came from and unfortunately she is the only one who can give him that* mom has no known family*

[thmccarty]

1. Why have you adoptive parents decided to a adopt a child?

My parents adopted me because they knew there was a child out there that needed their love kindness, afffection, and love.

2. Do you birth parents regret the adoption? I don't think thaat my birth mother cared.

I don't think that my birth father cared. I was adopted out of foster care when I was 10.

3. Do you adopted people have feelings of resentment, gratitude, what?

The only thing that I resent is the fact that I did not get more of the information regarding what really happened and my medical history. I managed to give my adoptive mom the one thing I could... When my birth mom died I got a picture of me as a baby. My adopted parents went through alot with my emotional scars. I am more grateful to my adoptive parents than I am my birth parents. My adoptive parents took in a very troubled, scared little girl and helped her grow up.

[Isabo]

I am a reunited first mother. Yes, I wholeheartedly regret that I relinquished my son for adoption. I regret the grief and the loss I have experienced due to losing my son to a coerced, closed adoption. I regret all the years when I did not know my son. I regret everything I have missed with him. I regret the loss of my parenting role in my son's life during the time that we were separated. I regret the harm that adoption has done in my son's life. I regret the things he wasn't given that were promised me in order to convince me to relinquish. I regret that he was raised in an abusive adoptive home and that the adoptive parent's miracle bio son was treated better than my son. I regret not being in his life every minute of every day as his first and only mother.

Adoption has not been a blessing for either me or my son. Because the adoption was closed, I was not in a position to understand what a bad situation I had placed my son in until reunion. Therefore, many of these regrets are post-reunion. Until that time I was in denial, believing I had done the "right thing" because that is what the social worker had convinced me was true.

Edited to add: I am a member of a first mother's group for reunited mothers. Based on the conversations in that group, I believe that most of the reunited mothers/members had not faced the reality of their losses from relinquishment until reunion. Most had buried those losses and the resulting grief and were overwhelmed at reunion when they finally were faced with thoses losses. This happened to me also. It was healthy for me to finally acknowledge and face my losses, even though it was very difficult. I do not regret reunion!!