[InionGrinn]

Hi all - I'd love responses from all kindsa members!

I am the adopted one in our family - and the mom- and have been open with my two kids ages 8 and 5 about it. They have met some of their birth-cousins and aunts. They know that my birthmother lives in Ireland (we don't know her yet) and that she placed me here in the US- here's where I'm having a bit of trouble. I really thought I had all this age-appropriate adoption talk down ... now not so sure....

My 5 year old daughter says to me the other day, "Grandma's not your real mom, right?" So I say "OF COURSE she's my real mom, she's real even though I didn't grow in her tummy" So the little devil starts in "No, mommy, she's not REALLY your real mom because you have that other real mom who had you in her tummy." A lawyer already. Each time I try to say, no, we don't say "real" I get an argument. I suppose to a five-year old there has to be one "real" mommy???? ack!

So now I'm trying to tell her that they are BOTH REAL to me, not one more than the other, and basically feeling like I am screwing the whole conversation up.

Have any of you had these "real mom" moments with your young ones? We NEVER use "real mom" when talking about adoption in our household.

I think she came up with the "real" concept herself - trying to simplify things for her own mental filing cabinet.

Just wondering how I can approach this so I can keep adoption as an open topic in our home but also address the "real" thing.

Thoughts?

[garyd333]

I'm an adopted child and whenever people would ask me, "when did you find out?" I tell them that I always knew - even before I understood what it meant. There are 4 adopted kids in my family and our parents opted to tell us the "mommy & daddy wanted a baby and God brought you to us" type story. I never knew it happened any other way? Apparently, one day while at school, the teachers (Nuns) were talking about how everybody is born. Crazy me - I apparently stood up and told them that I wasn't born - I WAS ADOPTED! I'm told that I cried because the teachers didn't believe me.

I realize that your situation is a bit different, but I think that my applicable point is this: the concepts of adoption and symantics of "real parents", "birth parents", "adoptive parents", etc. can be a little tricky for a young brain. I wouldn't get too worried if they don't quite get it just yet. They will eventually. The thing that I remember most with my parents is that they were always consistent and always gentle about it - as an adult (39 now) I have always admired them for how they handled it.

Kindest regards,
Gary D.

[ACs Mom]

Gary - thanks for the chuckle! My parents went that route with my sister and I (both adopted from different families) and we always just "knew." We were told we were picked up from Santa Barbara at the CHSociety. A story my mom likes to tell is how when I was about three-years old, I told my mom that I was going to have a baby but I had to go to Santa Barbara to pick her up. Now that I'm a mother, I've figured out that isn't exactly how babies are born, but it's funny how children think!

With my own daughter being adopted by my husband (finalized just last week!!! ) we told her that her birthfather loved her but couldn't take care of her, so he sent mommy and her out into the world to find her daddy to love her and hold her and take care of her. She LOVES hearing that over and over and over. Plus the fact she loves to hear that she has SOOO many people in the world from all over that loves her!

InionGrinn - this may sound silly, but the way I've approached the "real" thing with my four-year-old versus the "birthfather" thing is by telling her that a "real" mommy and daddy takes care of her when she is sick and makes cookies with her and takes her to the park, etc. etc....I try to keep it on her level with the little things she remembers throughout the day. And I try to tell her that a "birthfather" can't do those things every day, so instead just sends messages of love to God to give to her. Like I said, simple and on her level.

Hope that helps!

[jude4691]

I'm an adoptee with my own biological children and I've also adopted, so I suppose I see all of this from a number of different angles.
After giving birth to 4 children and carrying each of them for 9 months I would have to say it doesn't ever get any more real than that IMO.Maybe just as I know the "realness" of that connection my biological children know it too. I sometimes wonder whether adoptive parents get uptight about the term "real" being used for the original mum(I don't use the term birth mum as my original mum is of far more significance to me than just being the woman who birthed me)because there has been a shared period of time that the adopted child and original mother have had that is unique and non transferable. Many adoptive parents have spent many years trying to concieve and I think this indicates that there is something uniquely special about being pregnant with and giving birth to a child.
With our adopted child we refer to her other mum as her mum and if she wants to use the term real I'm fine with it.I think the term real(which doesn't automatically make the adoptive mum less real) allows the adoptee to face the fact that they have suffered real significant losses.Better to grow up gradually facing that than have it hit you like a ton of bricks in you adult life. Adoptees can be very sensitive as to what adoptive parents don't like to hear, but if they are inhibited from expressing thier feelings by being restricted as to what terminology is acceptible they can feel more weird,more isolated and just have a deepseated feeling that "something is not quite right."
Although I fully accept that "real" parents are the ones who care for you, look after you when you are sick,take you to school etc, real parents can also be those who you share your genes with and your inherited personality traits and physical features.

[InionGrinn]

Thanks for bumping up this thread again and for everyone's replies! I appreciate the insight.

I do realize that so much of this is semantics. We all have different words or phrases that correspond to what we feel about our parents/childrens roles in our lives.

Originally Posted by ACsmom

this may sound silly, but the way I've approached the "real" thing with my four-year-old versus the "birthfather" thing is by telling her that a "real" mommy and daddy takes care of her when she is sick and makes cookies with her and takes her to the park, etc. etc....I try to keep it on her level with the little things she remembers throughout the day.

Not silly at all! In fact, it's exactly where I went with our conversation 'real mom' conversation...I guess I just wasn't expecting to be challenged by my kindergartner on who was the REAL one! Totally threw me for a loop which is why I started the thread.(she'll be a lawyer like her momma...)

Originally Posted by jude4691

Adoptees can be very sensitive as to what adoptive parents don't like to hear, but if they are inhibited from expressing thier feelings by being restricted as to what terminology is acceptible they can feel more weird,more isolated and just have a deepseated feeling that "something is not quite right."

I definitely understand where you're coming from here. However, I do want my (bio, not that it matters)daughter to have a good understanding of adoption and who my birthmother is without having my amother's role (Grandma) being undermined in any way. Maybe I am transferring some of that adoptee sensitivity onto her...

Originally Posted by garyd333

The thing that I remember most with my parents is that they were always consistent and always gentle about it

I agree this is the best way to be. Always have the same message whenever the topic comes up. I guess I was overthinking a little about the "real" thing but there are so many great posters on the forum I thought I'd ask for other's experiences.

Thanks to all for answering!
IG

[kakuehl]

Have you considered asking her what she means by real? Did you every hear the story of the child who came home from school and asked his parents where he came from? The parents took a deep breath andlaunched into the "bird's and bees" lecture. After heaing the long explanation, the child says, "No, Johnny comes from Texas, where do I come from."

Sometimes with young children, it's good to make sure you're on the same page as far as what they're saying. So ask her what she thinks makes someone a real mom. She might surprise you!

[InionGrinn]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

The parents took a deep breath andlaunched into the "bird's and bees" lecture. After heaing the long explanation, the child says, "No, Johnny comes from Texas, where do I come from."

ROFL!! That's so cute, Kathy. You started my morning with a chuckle.

Yes, I did ask her what she meant by real - that's kinda how the whole thing got started. "Real mom" is the one who carried me in her tummy, according to my daughter. I can't say I don't agree with her, but I got caught up in the semantics of not wanting her to offend my "real" adoptive mom by saying that the next time grandma was around.

Anyway, I guess it really is all semantics. I am still working it all out, how can I expect a five-year old to understand this extended family relationship when I don't yet understand it?

Still a work in progress, me...

[cnb1099]

Inion so funny that I ran into this thread today as I was just posting on the savvy thread that I finally had the first adoption talk with my five year old the other day. I was so worried about overexplaining or underexplaining to him and when I was done he simply said about my bmom..so you guys are friends? Thats nice.. and then it was done...

I am hoping that ALL my "important" talks with him are that easy...!! Wishful thinking!

[InionGrinn]

Haha! Didn't see this response till I posted on savvy about YOUR situation! How "O'Henry" of us!

While my kids know about me being adopted, they don't know about the impending visit. They are probably wondering why mommy is so edgy....

[kakuehl]

Inion, I hope you're remembering to BREATHE!!!
I think CNB's 5 year old has it right. "So you guys are friends.. nice" I'm hoping your reunion is as good as mine has been with my son. We are friends (at least I think so!) His family has accepted me and the rest of my family, because he has. Kids actually do better than the adults, I think (unless the adults confuse them.)

I've been thinking about real moms. Do you think your daughter would accept that the person who takes care of you is also your real mother. (The next question: Is it blessing or a curse to have 2 real mothers? My personal answer, the more people who care about us the better.)