[kiraann76]

Hello! I have some friends who may be adopting.
I wonder: are there any questions that are generally known to be inappropriate or insensitive to ask?

Thanks for any help!

[hello&goodbye]

please do not ask them if and when they will be having kids "of their own" God that is discusting when I hear that. Do not use terms like "real" mother when speaking of the b mother, call her natural mother. Just welcome the child like you would any other new child.

[bajj]

I agree with hello. Don't ever ask ?s about their real parents. I was just asked the other day where ds's real mom lived. I said, "in my house" and left it at that. Birthparents or First parents is ok. They are real, and so are we. Also, don't ask if they will ever have natural kids. My kids are not unnatural!

If they are adopting from a different race, embrace it instead of saying why or asking if it was cheaper. I get this all the time.

I can tell you're a good friend who wants to be supportive!

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by kiraann76

Hello! I have some friends who may be adopting.
I wonder: are there any questions that are generally known to be inappropriate or insensitive to ask?

Thanks for any help!

I am a mom to both a bio & adopted child. I agree with the others about not asking about the "real mother." That's a touchy question. Both women are real. Both women are mothers. One is by blood, the other is by love.

Please make sure you don't ask how much the baby/child cost, or where did he/she come from. Also, don't ask "Aren't you afraid that the real mother will want her baby back?"

Oh and a big no no is is to say "Now that you have adopted, you will get pregnant with your real baby." Sure it happens to some people. But for the most part, it doesn't happen. I for one are THRILLED that I have not gotten pregnant since adopting my little girl.

[ilysse]

I have to place my pennies in here because I have become slightly annoyed with a friend who seems to be keep tabs on the time frame here. The big issue is DON'T PUSH! You can ask things like, "have you heard anything?" "Any updates?" but don't say "Didn't they tell you it would only be a few months? That was back in January, wasn't it? That doesn't seem right." Let your friend do the complaining, don't help her. She will be stewing over all this on her own and wont need your help.

Also, if they are adopting but can still have biological children (like in our case) its very annoying when people say "It would be easier to just have your own." (I will have my own but they will be from someone elses body and they are probably already born) "Why don't you want your own kids?" (once again, they will be MY OWN kids) "Don't you feel like you'll be missing out if you don't become pregnant." (Yes, morning sickness...) "How can you bond with a child you didn't give birth to?" (I bonded to my husband and I didn't give birth to him.)

I think the fact that you came onto this site and asked this question shows that you are sensitive to these issues. I wouldn't worry too much. Best thing to do is take your friend's lead, be supportive, and don't put down their decision or the process (they will be doing enough of that on their own.)

There are other posts on this site that follow this frame of thinking. I found one yesterday of waiting parents tired of the questions and comments.

Don't sweat it.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Oh and a big no no is is to say "Now that you have adopted, you will get pregnant with your real baby."

I can't tell you how much I HATED being told this while we were waiting and just after we brought our daughters home. They are now five years old and it hasn't happened...ain't gonna!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I second the "Now you will get pregnant with one of your OWN"...makes me MAD!!!

Also...if you can believe it, I have been asked "how much did they cost?"

My in-laws actually said "I had about given up on the idea that you ever would get a child since it took so long to get licensed...thought itwas never going to happen."

"So, when will they be YOURS?"...(adopted thru foster care)

"This is your first REAL mother's day"...from my MIL...whom I had been a step-mother to her grand-daughters for the 5 years before!!

Boy the list goes on....