[*n0the0n!y1*]

I had met my bmom this summer, our reunion didnt go so well but, i supose how i expected it would go. I am not disipointed. i love her. she makes me sad how ever, she is not mentally stable. She had told me about my bfather and the reasons for why i was given up. They r all logical reasons. She made the right choice, the story is prolly a common 1 she was young still in high school , in love so she thought living in a foster home my bfather lived a lil aways from where she did and so on.There was a fight they apparently never spoke agian.

She told me she thought he had been murdered .When we reunited she contacted his family. I am still living in the area and they live right out side of my town. We both went to visit my bfathers amom and adad.They were very excited to find me. They told me i had a half bio sister who was 15 yrs old.

I have since stoped speaking with my bmom i do not think our relationship is healthy.

i have never been closer to any 1 in my life then my bio half sister. But it hurts me to see the things she is doing to her self. My bfather was a crack addict, now she is following in his foot steps and i fear the same end result. I am angry with mY half bsis bmom, apparently my bfather never denied me, or maybe i was his excuse. The day he was shot ,so im told her bmom told him she would take my sister away. He went and got drugged up attacked some man she was sleeping with,,,wich i guess haddent been the frist time. The man had bought a gun just in case my bfather ever returned agian. Thats where that story ends.

Only im found now. He is not here. and my sister was left behind too. I dont know if i can ever forgive him.

She s had it very bad. drugs,alch,abuse,,,,she said to me one day..."my dad loved me becoz he lost u...i was his second chance". She had also been telling the story to 1 of her friends and said " my dad went and did crack that night becoz he couldnt deal with the thought of losing me, becoz he lost u" and then pointed at me.

I dont want this anger or hate for being someone elses excuse ...to be a good father?....to be a druggie and alcholic....to give up. Im not as neive as my lil sister and if all that were true wouldnt he still be here?

But, hes not and i have no where to put all these things. Im not very good with emotions im just good at making them disappear.This time it seems it s not so easy to just push it away.This time it exist despite my efforts.My sister feels the same pain, hurt, and abondonment. she was almost 4 yrs old when he died, he was 28. I act like it doesnt hurt i act like it doesnt exist i dont want her to see me weak, sigh...

I dont want this hate, hurt, bitterness, spite, anger. It s not about me, its about my sister he owed her more then this. Its not my mess to clean up! i hate myself for even saying that and i hate him more,,,,,,i hate my self for hating him. I want to let it all go so bad, i just dont know how . How do i let it go and turn around and look at her?

i wish i could say i forgive u.....for now i ll say.....the same words u spoke 23 yrs ago the day u walked away from my bmother "i hate you". But also i hope 1 day i have a reason to regret saying it.........