[aidansmom]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this forum and I joined for two reasons: one is that I have a two-year-old adoptive daughter and can forsee needing the some support as she nears the age when we will tell her she is adopted.

The other reason is because I am a writer and I am working on a piece for a magazine called Conceive about insensitive things that people say to parents who have adopted or are getting ready to adopt.

For instance, I recently overheard women in the park talking about a friend whom they were denigrating because she wanted to adopt a white baby instead of a black child (the woman was white) since there are more black children in need of homes. They women didn't understand that each adoptive parent searches his/her soul about what will be right for their individual family. When I butted in, the woman asked me why I adopted a white child.

I'm interested in hearing stories about things like asking a mother with both biological and adopted children, which are her real children. If you'd like to contribute to this article and don't mind sharing, you can answer my post or contact me at daryne@mac.com.

Thanks so much!

[tobeafamily]

Oh good God, insensitive things....

Like who is his real mom? Variation: Who is his natural mother?

Was she on drugs?

"I didn't realize he wasn't yours"

"When are you going to have one of your own?"

"Now that you've adopted, you'll get pregnant and have one of your own"

"How much did he cost?"

"He's crying because he misses his real mom"

I could go on and on...

Regina

[aidansmom]

Regina,
Thank you so much for your reply. I am amazed by some of those comments. I feel fortunate that I haven't had many of them—yet. One thing people say that bothers me is "You really got lucky." The subtext is "Wow, you were really taking a chance by adopting; the kid could have been a horror."

No one ever says to biological parents, you got lucky, because they just see the child as an extension of the parents. I admit I sometimes say We are so lucky, but what I mean is that we are lucky that our daughter is a delight, just like a biological parent would feel lucky if their baby slept through the night or wasn't colicky.

Again, thanks for your input. Would you be willing to elaborate on a few of the comments by telling me how you responded?

[AMom2Two]

oh gosh, I think I can write a book on it too...

The most recent, oh, she is adopted, that is amazing she is as close to you as if that is not true.

Both of my children join our family thru adoption, I often hear, "are they real brother and sister".

"Where are their real moms".

"If you truly wanted a child, then you would have adopted a black child instead of a white child, black children need homes more."

So tell me, what is wrong with their real mom? Was she a druggie, alcoholic, doesn't she care about her children.

You're doing open adoption, what are you goofy!

I could never adopt, I want my own children.

When I share that I feel the same about my children no matter how they came to me, I am told, how do you know, you never gave birth!

Why did you take someone else's child, couldn't you have your own.

I could never adopt. I could never raise someone else's child.

Your children are adopted, they look so normal.

Oh yeah and my best of all time from my recently severed relationship from my mother.... Adoption is so wrong. I don't believe there should be any adoptions.

I must stop here because I'm getting angry thinking of all these again...

[Leigh131313]

JUST YESTERDAY!!!!!

I was talking to my friend at our childrens Christmas party. We were talking about people who have lots of children, and wondering how they do it.

I told her the story of my friend. After 10 yrs of trying to conceive, they adopted. found out she was pregnant. Birthmom placed with them again, and again found out she was pregnant. So 4 kids under 4.

My friend says to me....Well, thats good that she still wanted the adopted kid, alot of parents don't after they have their own.

I found it extremely offensive, considering she SEES how much I adore my son, how is that different?? Would she think i'd stop loving him if i got pregnant??

My best friend asked me if this same mom felt the same about all of her kids. She said she just couldnt imagine because she feels so bonded to her child. Again, i was shocked because she knows me so well, and she sees how much my son is loved. Does she really think I'd love him more had i given birth to him? It's very depressing to think that the people in our lives dont "get it"


I have another friend who INSISTS on using the term adoption very casually. Like, she'll be playing with a child and say, " oh, you are just so cute, I could adopt you!"
Now, I realize she means nothing bad....but.... adoption is a very serious thing in my family, how will my son feel hearing someone say to him, I could just adopt you? Will he be scared someone might take him away? Will he think he HAS to be cute to STAY adopted? So many things bother me about this....

BTW, anyone have any suggestions on how to address this? I still dont know how to bring it up to her.lol.


Leigh

[Shoshana]

I must be truly blessed. I certainly don't live in a progressive area so that can't be an explanation.

I received ONE negative comment about being adopted when I was 12 years old. It was incredibly hurtful. My miserable Great Aunt Mamie told me that even tho' my parents had really tried hard, they would never love me and my sister like they had loved their bio daughter who died at 3 before we were born/adopted. My father about lost it and told Aunt Mamie if he ever heard anything like that from her again, her invitation to our home would end.

I've had one comment from a 7-yr-old child who asked about Xiomara's real mother. I didn't consider it offensive or insensitive, given the child's age.

The "are you the grandmother" comment from a woman at a store really set me off!

That's it -- in the 23 months that I've been Xiomara's mother.

[spaypets]

I'm sitting here trying to think of something insensitive and really, except for some bumpy language (saying real, when they mean birth or bio), no one has said anything that was inappropriate. Never has anyone suggested that I love my daughter less than I would a bio child or implied that I bought my daughter or anything like that.

I've had a couple of people ask about my fertility, but even then, it was a gentle question and I was able to deflect it relatively easily.

[ilenewatson]

But two of my all-time favorites are:

"How can anyone just give away their child like that?" Which is usually followed by, "Well, they're just so lucky to have you."

And let's not forget the neighbor who stopped me while I was walking my boys in the double stroller. He said, "Well, now I just KNOW you're going to get pregnant." I explained that wouldn't happen, and he said it about three more times, very insistently, so I countered with, "No, I really know I won't because I had a hysterectomy six months ago." His mouth dropped open and that was the end of that.

I get the "Are they real brothers," about three times a week, and I always just say yes. If I'm lucky they'll leave it at that and not start with the dreaded phrase, "Come on, you know what I mean..."

Looking forward to more replies on this thread!

[BrandyHagz]

Well, thats good that she still wanted the adopted kid, alot of parents don't after they have their own.

I think “a lot” is very presumptuous – but it does happen…so I think pushing her in that direction is all you can do. Use your own situation as an aide, if you have biological children. If not, do you have a friend with bio/adopted children?

I think many folks get offended when people mention the negative – I can certainly understand that – but that’s what the media portrays and a lot of times, that’s all John Q. Public has to go on.

The comment wouldn’t have really offended me (I’m not an adoptive parent…so maybe that’s why/ I am more “offended” by the fact that it has happened…because it has/it does.) but it would have made me want to explain that while her comment is true in some cases – it is certainly not true of all cases and most certainly not “a lot” of cases.

[mckenna]

i don't generally get insensitive questions, but one that always sticks out is:

when i went to my foster daughter's aunt and uncle's house to pick her up (they were no longer going to be able to care for her and she was moving to my home as a foster/adopt placement- i had already adopted her 1/2 brother, not thier nephew). the uncle asked why i did not want any children of my own. i sat there for a second and replied. i now have 2 of my own. here he was turning his neice over to me and thought i would think of her as anything less than my own, that is still unbelivable to me.

i almost forgot, one time an aquaintance was telling one of his co-workers (in front of me) how i had just adopted. then he says "she adopted from foster care, you know one of the kids that really needs a family." i was caught off gaurd and did not know what to say, but i thought don't all kids need families?

[BrandyHagz]

Now, I hope you don’t mind me speaking for my daughters a-mom on this – because one of the most offensive things she’s ever heard was while I was in her company…

We were at the park a few summers ago while the kids played (half-siblings) and a long time friend of hers (we were in her home town) came up and started talking to her and we all kinda sat there for a while and then she asked, “Is this a family member” and S said, “Yes, this is Brandy, M’s birthmom” and she got this disgusted look on her face and whispered to her, “aren’t you worried she’ll take her!”

Now, keep in mind, M was like eight at this point and was placed at birth…S just looked at her, laughed and said, “She’s a birthmom, not a kidnapper!”

She later told me that was one of the most offensive comments she’s ever had. I thought her comeback was prize-worthy.

[Leigh131313]

Brandy, I agree completely, it DOES happen.

What bothered me, was the fact that I am pretty much her only experience with an adoptive mom. Her saying that, made me realize how she must feel about ME.

Now, had she said..." I've heard of people who dont want their adopted kids after giving birth" no problem. She definitely was stating it as more the norm. Like, my friend was RARE and her children were lucky she still wanted them.

[eyejustam]

When my adopted son, Michael, died at the age of 9 months, comments like: "Just think how bad you would feel if you had given birth to him." or "It's a good thing he was adopted and not your real baby, the pain would be unbearable." He was VERY REAL. My pain was and still is VERY REAL. Even though it has been 20 years ago.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Besides the ever popular "now you will get pregnant" statement, one other sticks out.

This last mother's day my mother-in-law gave me a beautiful potted plant. When she gave it to me she said "since this is you firlst REAL mother's day, I just had to get you something". So, in fact, for the previous 6 years that I THOUGHT I was feeling slighted because she didn't consider ME as a "parent" to my s-daughters, I was right!

[SquirlyGirl]

I am just in the process of adopting but most of the people I work with and my friends know we are in the process. I suppose it is because we are looking at adopting in the 7-12 age group and we have 2 bio children (12 & 14), but I get a lot of "You better be careful" or "Aren't you afraid of..." or "I hope you know what you are getting into" and I really hate the "Why?" question (interpretation: DHS kids are defective and/or degenerates why would you expose your kids to that?).

I really wish I could articulate to people how degrading and horrible it sounds when they make that kind of comment to me. I don't think I am going into this blindfolded, I know there are going to be issues and problems, I grew up around several different children who were in Foster Care (most that I know aged out of the system).

I will leave it at that, I didn't realize how upset it makes me until I started typing this, so I will leave off here.