[chuchiewoochie]

I am writing today in a slight state of desperation. My boyfriend of two years, and adopted child at birth, has extreme issues with lying and pretending that is not what he actually is.

In particular, he has lied twice in the past two years about graduating from college when in fact he was never in school (lied to myself, his family and friends) and is still lying about going back. He has supposedly been in therapy for the problem... but hey, did I mention he is a liar? Many of his friends don't even know he has not, in fact, graduated. It is not an issue of him not being smart enough, because he is; this is obvious through interaction with him. It is just that he has hit a bump in his career choice and he is lying to please everyone, to let them know that is succeeding at life.

The reason I am wondering if this is an adoption issue is because after denying he had been adopted twice when I curiously asked, he only revealed to me he was in fact adopted right before seeing a baby picture that displayed his adoption. I don't know much because he doesn't like talking about it. He swears it does not bother him, and maybe it doesn't, but the fact that he avoids all conversation bothers me. He knows nothing about his birth family, has not expressed any interest in them, and didn't know he was adopted until he turned 10. He is 24 now.

I don't think his adopted family treats him any differently than they do his sister, who is not adopted. In fact, I think he is very lucky because I admire his family for adopting him and it has even prompted me to try and do the same in my life.

But finding out you are adopted after not knowing for 10 years... what kind of issues has this brought about in adopted children? I want to steer him in the right direction because his lies are starting to kill the relationship and I worry that he will never stop lying.

Thanks for your help!

[dadfor2]

The reason I am wondering if this is an adoption issue is because after denying he had been adopted twice when I curiously asked, he only revealed to me he was in fact adopted right before seeing a baby picture that displayed his adoption.

no, its not an adoption issue, more of a lying issue. He could actually be lying that he was adopted.

what made you 'curiously' ask him if he was adopted?

what was he doing that gave it away? hmmmmmm.

it sounds to me he is compulsive liar. He needs to seek therapy to figure out how to stop.

People who are not adopted, also can suffer from this.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Chuchiewoochie,
I agree with dadfor2, unfortunately, some people are just liars. And I would caution you to be very careful before divulging too much info to him or getting too close. Also, typically, the people who lie like this, have a history of violence. To be honest, when I read your post, I thought of that guy that killed his wife a couple summers ago--Remember? His name was Mark Hacking, it was much the same kind of story, he lied to her about being in school, and his family, etc, yet he was still an intelligent man. Now she's dead. I realize this may sound paranoid, but sometimes, you've got to be super careful. I see no use for liars myself.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I think it's really great that you care enough that you want to help him work through his issues. Just be sure you are aware of the risks.. K?

Good luck.

[Pinakitha]

Sounds to me like he is in denial (unconciously denies that the impact this had on him was significant) about his feelings over adoption.

Do try reading Nancy Verrier's 2nd book "Coming Home to Self: the adopted child grows up".. It will help you to understand a lot about the way many adoptees behave and why (obviously not all she says in the book will be applicable to your boyfriend but I immediately recognised several things from your posting).

BTW - lying is often a way to cover up for deep-seated feelings of inadequacy (hence the college degree etc). Some people feel so inadequate that they have to make up things about themselves in order to feel that people will like & respect them. The inadequacy bit could well be linked to unconscious/suppressed feelings of rejection etc which, in turn, may be linked to adoption.

Read the book (I'm sure you could get it from your local library if you can't afford to buy it) and see if it is any help BEFORE you jump to any further conclusions or do/say anything further to your boyfriend.

Hope this helps.

[lewellen]

How about just keeping your BS detector on at all times?

Some adoptees are liars.
Some boyfriends are liars.
Some adopted boyfriends are liars.

If he has a problem, it's his problem, let him work it out. Just call him on the BS. You cannnot get invested in trying to fix someone that lies to you.

[4inma]

I also agree with dadfor2.


Sounds more like a lying issue then an adoption issue.

[Southernroots]

I am finding it more and more interesting how predictable birth/adoptive parents responses often are. (Except for some really enlightened parents.) In this instance, birth parents more tend to think that the lying is related to adoption, adoptive parents mainly think not.

Personally, I think a lot more of what adopted people do (or don't do) is related to their adoptive status than many people (adoptees included) think. Maybe the lying is directly related to his adoption (I'd vote that it is - agreeing with Pinakitha.), maybe indirectly or not at all. At any rate, Nancy Verrier's book Coming Home to Self might shed some light on the situation.

[Poolside]

You could ask his sister if he had problems with the truth as a child... Some people are just story tellers for the sake of getting attention.. OR. maybe he is having identity issues. Just me, but I'm more inclined to agree with Dad and Lewellen.. Maybe I'm just not "enlightened".

[dadfor2]

well, this OP only posted once and split. hmmmmm maybe the poster was talking about herself....

like i said earlier, how do we know that the adoption story wasnt a lie......

[8isenough]

Frankly, the guy sounds like a jerk whether he's adopted or not! Word of advice ...if you feel like ya gotta fix em, you need to just get rid of em! He's a grown man, not a child. Who cares "why" he lies. Fact is...he lies!

[mcnh63]

I have many people (adults) in my life who were adopted at birth. Grew up next door to a family who adopted 4 kids, One of my best friends and her brother are adopted, My cousin is adopted. These are all adults that I grew up with and have known all of my life.
This is NOT an adoption issue. This is a character issue!!!!