| Welcome to the Forums. | Register |
| If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ. You may have to register before you can post or search: click here to proceed. To start viewing messages, select a forum below that you would like to view or click View All of Todays Posts. | |
| Forum Categories |
|
 |
|
|
Thread Tools | Search this Thread | Display Modes |
|
#1
11-08-2005, 04:44 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Should I be angry?
For various reasons, I've never been angry with my birthmother. I understand why she has done what she's done and I don't really feel that she owes me anything. It would have been horribly scandalous if certain people ever found out about me. Yes, it hurts at times, but I do understand it.
She wants nothing to do with me, but is never mean or nasty or anything like that when our paths DO cross. I am in contact with most everyone in the family, except her. I called her recently (first time in 15 years) because I wanted to tell her that I know who my father is. During this call, she told me that no matter what, she would never ever have an abortion. Even if she got pregnant 20 times, she wouldn't have an abortion because she believes it's murder. So, I guess I'm glad she feels that way. However, people close to me think that she at least owes it to me to sit down and answer any questions I might have and that I should be really angry with her for the way she treats me. But in reality, she didn't WANT me. She gave me AWAY. It wasn't out of love, she did it to save her own hiney. I would love to sit down with her and just ask questions about what it was like when she was pregnant with me, did she talk to me while she carried me around for 9 months...things like that....but...do I really have the right to be angry with her for not giving me that? Raina 
|
Adoption Community Information
|
#2
11-08-2005, 05:40 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Raina ~ This is just my opinion, but I think the hype that Bmoms and/or adoptees "owe" each other anything outside of simple respect is bunk.
While it would undoubtedly be nice for you to have your questions answered, sometimes things don't happen the way we would like them to. There could be a myriad of reasons why your Bmom has chosen to keep her distance and not sit down with you to talk. Anything I offer would be based on pure speculation, as I don't know her story. What I do know is that adoption is a convoluted process, at best. We are all motivated by our own reasoning and perspectives. But just as you could choose to be angry that she is not communicating with you, she could choose to be angry that you are asking for something that she is obviously uncomfortable sharing. Perhaps the people close to you that are suggesting you should "feel" a certain way are just frustrated that someone they care about is left with uncertainty. But anger? Nah...I wouldn't suggest falling into that vat of poison. You do have established contact with other biofamily members. That is much more than many have. Granted, it is not your Bmom, but just remember the blessings that you do have. I hope you find peace with your reality. Sometimes it is easy to lose sight of the positive things while focusing on the negatives. Best of luck! ~Deb
|
|
#3
11-09-2005, 12:42 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Raina,
Should you be angry? I think that's something you can only decide for yourself. Adoption is such a different experience for each of us. Please don't let others decide what you should feel or whether or not you should be angry. It seems from your post that you have made peace with the situation. Please don't let others (particularly those who are not in your shoes) take that away from you................... take care, Karen
__________________
You can't find peace until you've found all the pieces Nobody can rain on your parade if you carry an umbrella SMILE!  Happiness is a choice!!!!!!!!!
|
|
#4
11-09-2005, 01:19 PM
|
||||
|
||||
Raina,
First and foremost, I have to say that I agree with the other two posters here -- no one can (or should even attempt to) influence how you feel about this. You said yourself that you've never been angry with your birthmother.....and it's my opinion that there's no reason to create anger where anger doesn't exist just because someone else suggests it should. I can understand your frustrations from first hand experience. My own birthmother denied contact, and even tho we live in very close proximity to one another, she has chosen no contact now, or in the future. I, like you, would love nothing more than to be able to sit down and discuss with her the things you mentioned, among many other things......but that's not what she wants. Do I think she "owes" me anything? Nope. Not at all. Sure, it would be nice if she would at least share with me some medical history....confirm the indentity of my birthfather....provide me with some small fragments of the story of how I came to be, and about her life -- but does she "owe" me those things? No. Not from my point of view, anyway. Am I angry that this is the way everything turned out? No. I've never once in my entire life been angry with her. She has every right in the world to refuse contact with me. She relinquished all ties with me over 41 years ago....for all intents and purposes, I was "erased" from her life. I no longer existed. She continued on (as did I)and built a life for herself and her family...she spent four decades creating and living a life that didn't include me. How could I be angry at her for that? It was my HOPE that she'd done those things. It was my HOPE that she was happy and healthy and that she'd gone on to have children and grandchildren. There's no way I could be angry with her for living life....and for wanting to protect the life she's spent decades creating for herself and her family. If anyone "owes" anyone anything in my situation, it's me, owing her the respect she's asked for. It's basic human compassion.....basic consideration from one one fellow traveller here on this earth to another. If someone reaches out to another, and that person doesn't want to grasp their hand, then it's their right to say "no". I can't be angry about that. Anyway......please don't let anyone influence your peace. It's yours. You own it. Likely, those who press you to feel otherwise, have no peace of their own..... Hugs, Sally
__________________
Pain is Inevitable -- Suffering is a Choice!
|
|
#5
11-09-2005, 01:56 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Thank you all.
You have all reaffirmed how I feel. Thank you for that. I fully understand why things have happened and had to happen as they have. My birthmother had a 9 year affair with her sister's husband. It ended when her sister and her lover divorced. I can completely understand why she doesn't want anyone to know about me after all these years. Had I known the situation 15 years ago, I think I would have just walked away. However, she led anyone who found out, to believe that she was raped. I guess because of that, and their full acceptance of me, they kept pushing for her to open up to me and for me to go to her with my questions. I suspected when I met her face to face the first time, that my aunts husband could be my father, so I never pushed anything with her. And there are other reasons I haven't pushed a relationship with her. For one, I don't want to be where I'm not wanted - what satisfaction is there in that? For another, I am completely happy with the relationship I have with my maternal uncle, my biofather, and some of my many siblings. (some still have yet to come around.)
To be angry would solve nothing. And as you said, Deb, we owe each other nothing except simple respect. Now that I think about it, the people who have said I SHOULD be angry were not adopted. They really don't get it, I don't think. And you are also right Deb, I think they are frustrated at witnessing what I've gone through with her. Thank you again everyone. I will respond more later. I have little ones to pick up from school in just a bit. Peace to all! Raina
|
|
#6
11-09-2005, 02:23 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Raina ~ Sounds to me like you have a great deal of insight into what has motivated your Bmom to remain somewhat aloof, and your compassion for her and the past are remarkable! Seems you have found a level of peace and are content there.
Yep...it is easy for those who do not have firsthand knowledge of the plethora of feelings that come along with adoption to tell us how we should feel. IMO, they love you and mean well, but don't let the frustrations sway you. As Sally said, hold onto your peace! (((HUGS))) ~Deb
|
|
#7
11-19-2005, 10:10 AM
|
||||
|
||||
Raina,
I also agree that you should not feel obligated to be angry with someone just because someone else thinks you should. If you do, you do. If you don't, you don't. I believe in respecting others, however, that also includes others respecting me (including birthmothers)...... Quote:
I truly believe in a compassionate heart, but like I stated above, respect goes both ways. (Sally, I'm not trying to attack your opinions, you just had the best quotes for me to counter my feelings. Thanks) Good luck, Raina I'm sure you'll handle it the way you need to. Sincerely, Jennie
|
|
#8
11-19-2005, 11:09 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Raina,
Long story, but I will make it short. At about 20 months of age, about October 48, my mother who was with child, brother and sister perished in a house fire, 30 days later my older brother and I were put in orphan home by our father, 6 months later my other sister was put in same home by our father. A Baptist pastor took me out of the home to live with him and his wife, I was with them about 2 years, he decides to have an affair, gets caught, fired from the church, leaves me and his wife in the parsonage, moves out of state. During the following 6 months or so, I think she and I lived with her parents, he comes back to get her, they get rid of me, I wind up with another family who just happened to have adopted my sister out of the orphan home we had been put into. Up until this time my life had been upset several times, but from this time on everything is quite good, of course it took me until I was up in junior high to kind of get my self together and realize I could really now trust the man and woman I called mother and father. Them I had a chance to go see my birthfather, I said I do not want to see him, he is not my father, if he was he would not have put me, brother and sister in that home. I have never been mad nor angry at him nor this other family, what good would it do? Who would it hurt? Truth is it would do no one any good, and it would only hurt me. One who hold angry and madness in their heart, it hurts them and everyone around them, not the person who did the bad deeds. Besides that, in the end I had a man and woman who loved me and gave me a safe home, who took care of me when I was sick, how could I not love them? To many people, who have not been there, tell people such as you and I how we should feel and what we should do. I personally think they should keep their opinion to their self, for its true, if one has not been there, they do not know what they would do. but I do know this, if we forgive those who hurt us, it helps us much more than it helps them, it frees up our conscience and the hate and angriness is gone, them we can go forward and have true love in our heart as well as for those people who are in our lives. To, in the 90's I got to meet many of my real relatives, uncles, aunts, cousins, half sisters nephews, nieces, it was great and filled in many spots in my life. I even met uncles and aunts, half brothers, half sisters, and cousins on my birthfathers side of the family, they were nothing like my birthfather and said they did not care one bit for him nor his ways, that I was much better off without him, of course at that time he was already dead, but I have never regretted not having met him. It seems to me you have found this. I hope this is the way your life continues and true happiness is with you. May God Bless, Jerry "Let not your heart be troubled" John 14:1
|
|
#9
11-19-2005, 07:30 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
In some cases its the fear of rejection that prompts a birthparent to hold back when it comes to direct contact. For so long, this woman kept her feelings hidden deep inside and in a personal denial. I think every bmom, at some point, fears that the child that they gave up for adoption will judge them harshly.
We all have done things in our lives that we are not proud of... looking at the circumstances that you have found out about your conception and birth, is it any wonder that she would be reluctant to have to answer your questions and, ultimately, have to face feelings that she obviously isn't prepared to deal with? The best defence is an offence. Through her actions she may be proving to you and herself that she is not worthy of your consideration and love. just my 2 cents. bmom 10/12/1975 1st contact 5/17/2005 f2f 9/30/2005
|
|
#10
11-19-2005, 10:41 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Every year, on my birth date, I give my adoptive Mother a card and gift!
I know it's my birthday, but if it weren't for Mom, God only knows where I would have wound up. I make a special birthday wish at 7:00 am (the time I was born), Wishing my Birth Mom the Best In Life! You see, she could have saved her hieny, and aborted me, BUT...I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE..She Wanted Better for me. Love Yourself and Those Who Love You. Last edited by Candy Bee : 11-19-2005 at 10:44 PM. Reason: the two *'s should be Birth Mom
|
|
#11
11-19-2005, 10:59 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
I can only hope my Bdaughter has a similar outlook. Sounds like you have a very special bond with your mom, and the way you honor her on your birthday must make her feel like a queen! Big Hugs ~Deb
|
|
#12
11-20-2005, 05:41 AM
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
Jennie, I certainly don't think you are attacking my opinions, honey ((((WARM HUGS))))!!!  Everyone has their own ways of looking at things.....and everyone's feelings are uniquely their own. This world wouldn't be the amazing, wonderful creation that it is if we all thought the same way, and felt the same things!  Thank you for sharing your perspectives, because it's only thru this kind of sharing that we can all grow together in compassion and understanding! Bless your heart! Sally
__________________
Pain is Inevitable -- Suffering is a Choice!
|
|
#13
11-20-2005, 11:21 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Thanks Sally
Jennie
|
|
#14
11-20-2005, 09:43 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
Hoping she will come around for you soon because I know how it feels to be rejected. Keep your head up. A birthmother, ja2jo2001
|
|
#15
11-21-2005, 02:20 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I feel bad for you but know how you must feel. I have somewhat of a similar situation like you with my birthmother. Although, she has talked to me on the phone and answered a lot of questions for me. I do have anger towards her and I feel that you have every right to have anger inside you towared your birthmother.
When you wait so long for answers, then to get that lifetime chance of maybe getting them you almost crave them. And they are within your reach right now really. That is great that your birthmother gave you a chance at life, we all thank them for that. However, if we have the chance to find them we do deserve so much more in the line of answers. Sure we all want that 'TV relationship' but sometimes birthmothers just need to understand that we can survive just fine on some answered questions as well. Birthmothers to deserve a lot of respect to do what they have done. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. I feel bad for you but keep positive and maybe in time.
|
|
«
Previous Thread
|
Next Thread
»
| Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
| Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
| Display Modes | |
Linear Mode
|
|
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:11 PM.
