[Leigh131313]

Sorry guys, but if you are reading this, it's gonna be long. Feel free to turn around now! lol

Last night I found the "being respectful" thread...I actually thought at first it was a new one...silly me!! after probably a half an hour of reading I realized how loooooooong it was! I was going to post there, but my son woke up so i turned off the puter and snuck him into bed with me. I woke up this morning, but now it is closed.

There are a few things that have been bothering me of late....I dont know who I would feel comfortable talking about them with... so i'm just gonna have a little verbal-vomit here and get it out.

First of all......I am really getting frustrated over some adoption stories that everyone is talking about. The Evan Scott Case, Dr. Phil, Oprah, Who's yer daddy? and yes, even the "one" one here. I realize that talking about adoption is GOOD....it has been taboo for so long....but am i the only one who feels like I am being exploited?

Birthparents are being portrayed as
1- horrible people who dont love their children and just want to rip them out of "adoptive famillies" to be mean
2- People who just hand over their children with a happy face, and go on with their lives..
3-The only parents who truly matter
4-people who MUST be unfit simply because they considered placing their child.

Adoptive Parents are being portrayed as
1-nothing of importance...where ARE they in some stories???
2-Entitled to the children once they are matched with a pbmom
3- Adoptive parents, when truly they are POTENTIAL adoptive parents
4- Not being true parents.
5-People who will manipulate laws just to have the outcome THEY see fit.

I realize that some of these points contradict others. Not every story had each point...

Some of these things are not directly SAID..but its the impression some of these stories are leaving...and WE (we= people who follow laws and morals in adoption) are the ones being left to defend our families, which may include extended bfamily.

I'm tired of telling people that my son can't be taken away....

I'm tired of telling people that it doesnt matter how much the birthfamily sees him, they cant change their minds.

I'm tired of people assuming that my sons 15 year old birthmom is a horrible person.

I'm tired of people telling me that my sons birthmom gets to enjoy all the "fun" things, but does none of the work.

I'm tired of worrying about including my sons birthfamily.

I'm tired of people telling me that they wish they hadn't placed their children.

I'm tired.


I wish people would not ignore the law and replace it with opinion. I realize that it is very hard to have failed placements......but what makes the adoptive parent side sadder?

I found myself thinking that a certain thread was just a bogus plea for attention. I couldnt understand how a case could drag on and on and ON. I still dont understand that. To ME adoptions should be black and white. They either take place or don't...what is all this stretching it out B.S.?? How is there a question when the parents didnt tpr?

As you all know, I was the one who was all for people having a place to grieve, and allowing them some time to do so. But COME ON!! I just meant, in a time of pain, one might word something wrong or incorrectly...or even wish things worked out differently. Let's not automatcally jump down their throats.....but months later ignorance grows tiresome.


I think alot of my frustration is stemming from us realizing that we want to adopt again. That is hard to comprehend when the word adoption leaves a sour taste in your mouth.

I love my son, and he was worth every struggle we went through, and every struggle that lies ahead. In fact, he makes it all make sense.

That being said...I am terrified of the process. We had a HORRIBLE agency experience.....unfortunately alot of OUR issues stem from how our pbmom's and bmom's were treated.

I guess I just wish for more public displays of normal situations....with normal feelings. Sadness, happiness....laws being followed. that sorta thing.


*sigh* well, my son is up from his nap.....

Leigh

[Here to Help]

Hi there! I couldn't help but notice that you did not mention the frustration of the adoptee. You think the birthparent is frustrated??? You think the adoptive parent is frustrated??? What about the VICTIM of adoption. Who is the one that is really exploited here. I think the focus is all wrong.

[Leigh131313]

It's true....adoptee's have their own little list..

1- people assume that things wont affect you
2- people assume that you would prefer to have not been placed
3- people assume that you would prefer if you HAD been placed
4- people treat you like a prize
5- people dont see how you would have concerns/feelings/issues regarding your adoption



I certainly did not mean to leave you out.... to be honest, i am just having a little pitty-party at the moment. It's not about my focus being wrong, its about it being self centered. Which is where my head is at this moment.

feel free to join in
Leigh

[79nic]

Leigh,

I am sorry you feel this way.

I want to apologize if any of my posts on the BR thread contributed to your frustration. I know that I posted last night that I wish I hadn't placed my daughter.... it probably was not the time to do it, given the current climate around here....

I don't know if it helps at all, but for what it's worth, this place is far more hurtful and confusing than my own adoption experience IRL is...

While I miss Marie and think I may have chosen incorrectly, I LOVE her adoptive family.

They are warm, respectful, wonderful people. They are absolutely her parents, and if they ever need me to back them up in a parenting decision, I'd do it in a heartbeat. (Not that they have any need to consult me, but if they wanted to, I would.)

We respect each other and honor each others' boundaries.

And we genuinely like each other as a result.

To look at "our" family--even to spend time with us--you'd probably see one big family. You wouldn't guess how we are all connected. We're just a normal, active, crazy family.

We rarely discuss adoption itself... but when we do, it's something like this: Y (Marie's mom) mentioning her birthmother friend who's having an open adoption closed on her---Y expresses disbelief and sadness for her and the child. D (Marie's dad) mentioning how much Marie looks like my mom, and how neat that is to see. My parents (Marie's bgrandparents) telling D and Y what calm and patient parents they are. Me and Y sending each other cards on Mother's Day.


I'm guilty of it, too, but I think I tend to come here and forget just how wonderful what I have, really is. There is a lot of negativity here.

There are also a lot of PEOPLE here. With lots of people, come lots of different beliefs, standards, opinions, and, it seems, ethics.

I don't know how your current adoption is, but maybe if it's good, you should try to think about that for a while??? Shrug. That's what I'm trying to do today, anyway.....

Anyway, just wanted to say I hope I didn't add to your frustrations last night.

Nicole

[Here to Help]

Alright, alright!!! Everyone is allowed a pity party every now and then, and anyway, I like your 'tude. I just feel that the most important and affected person in the "adoption triangle" is the adoptee. Generally speaking, he/she is the ONLY one here who does NOT have a choice.

[spaypets]

Leigh, thanks for this thread--It's not surprising that these media-made "adoption stories" are happening during sweeps month.

[Elissa1111]

Leigh I can feel your frustation. Thank you for being so honest.
I felt the need to say something after I read your post Here to Help. I'm not sure what to say. I can't begin to imagine what you went through being adopted and not having a say in your life. Let's face it most children don't. I know my kids didn't want there bparents to do drugs or any of the other horrible things that go on with most of the children in the foster care system. Lord willing I pray that my children won't feel like a "victim" or "exploited". I know that they will feel a hole when it comes to their bfamily. I just hope that they will understand what they have been given. A chace at a life filled with more opportunity and hope to become more than their surrondings. I may be foolish in thinking this. I am just hoping that my children can turn out half as great as my adopted frineds. Friends that are thnakful that they were adopted and that don't feel like they were cheated.

If I am off the mark here I am very sorry but to me you made it sound like all adoptees are victims. I don't think that is the case with all. That is what I hear most about on this forum.

Thanks for reading
Elissa

[spitzlvr]

Here to Help,

You are correct, adoptees have no choice. But neither does any other child. No matter what the family - adoption, divorce, perfect family, single parent, etc..etc...etc... no child get a choice.

I understand your feelings calling the child a victim - there are adoption agencies that treat children as goods to be sold. And that is sad.

But to lump all adoptees as victims does a disservice. I was placed with my family at 16 months. I was not victimized. I was cared for.

[Linnie65]

If this is the "pet-peeve" thread, I'll jump in. If not, I'm jumping in anyway - sorry.

Anyway, I'm tired of being told that because I was adopted that I MUST have an "empty space," a "hole", that something must be "missing" in me. That of course, every problem I have EVER had in my ENTIRE life is because I was adopted.

That is not true. I am a happy, healthy, well-educated, COMPLETE person with wonderful parents who is thankful and grateful to the woman who gave birth to me for making a terribly difficult decision that was in MY best interest. Any emotional problems I have are mine alone - any relationship problems I have had over the years are because of ME - not becuase I was adopted. I am not a victim in any way.

Now, I understand that my reality is not the same as others. I understand that others have had problems that could be attributed to their adoption. That's ok. I just get very frustrated and sometimes think there must be something wrong with me because I dont' think there is something wrong with me....(did that make sense?)

I can respect any point of view presented in a thoughtful and respectful way. I can not respect views presented as "the only one" or the "right" one.

[JenWen]

with my pet peeve..

that every time a child displays some undesirable behavior it's because they're adopted. Well, maybe. Or maybe not. My brother displayed PLENTY of undesirable behavior and he was not adopted. So did my little sister and so did my sister-in-law. I haven't read about any but the most extreme behavior that I haven't seen directly in my non-adopted extended family.

I hope I never fall into the trap of looking at my child as less than the original they are with all their strengths and weakensses. There are exceptions. Sure. Some are more deeply hurt and traumatized and display extreme behavior that is characteristic of those hurts. But some of this stuff sounds like normal stuff to me. We take our children as we find them.

I can't imagine how hurtful it must be to a child to hear his parents discussing how his behavior proves that he's flawed because of stuff that happened to him before he was adopted and that if he was their birthchild, his behavior would be more acceptable.

I'm not sure if I'm expressing myself well or politically correctly.. but I'm sure you get my drift.

This post is not directed at anybody specifically. Just a general observation after a year or so of reading and talking adoption in a lot of places and through a lot of sources.

Jen

[Leigh131313]

Nap #2 of the day....so here I am.

Nicole,

I actually didnt even see your post that said that last night...there were soooo many, i was just skimming....I have seen you voice similar things in the past. Please dont personalize what I was saying.....you should be able to come here and discuss what you are going through.

I will try to explain to you where that comment was coming from.

I have been working with a birthmother support/search&reunion group recently. I am quite overwhelmed with all of the regrets that they have been expressing to me. Most of them are from placements that took place 30 or so years ago...some are newer, but all are closed adoptions. Alot of them feel adoptions should never ever happen. Every reunion story, if there is any problems, they blame the adoptive parents. I realize sometimes this may be true, i'll give the example that stands out.

The birthmother after recently reuniting with her birthson received a package from the adoptive parents. Inside it contained a photo album and a journal. The journal contained stories about his first teeth, first steps, first everythings....and the photos of course were of him growing up. She had been saving these for her all of this time.

The only comment she had about this was, she couldn't believe how hurtful the adoptive parents were to give this to her. How cruel they were. When her birthson disagreed and said that it wasnt out of cruelty...she blamed the adoptive parents for controling how he felt. She now warns all her birthmoms that any relationship they have with their reunited children will be controlled by the adoptive parents.

This same person, expressed her anger towards adoptive parents who agreed to send pic's for only the first two years to the agency to send to the birthfamily, and after two years stopped......

Where I live, this is the group that speaks at all of the adoption fairs. They speak only of their regrets. Potential adoptive parents come to these places for advice/information and this is the stories they are hit with. They actually advertise these as places to come if you are looking into adopting.

Why this bothers me so much-

Most adoptions now a days are open....here anyway. I dont know ANY adoptive parents in a closed adoption. It is very hard to see having an open adoption if you are unfamilliar with adoption, especially when you think that you are going to be dealing with these feelings from the birthfamily every day of your life.

When she says these things to me...i think to myself, where would YOU be right now, had these people not stepped in and raised and loved your child?

My mom is a birthmom. She placed her daughter with my aunt when she was 16 years old. My mom did over step her boundaries many times.... she regretted her decision 15 years later. But i will say this...my mothers life would NOT be the life she has now had she done something different. She looks at her life now, and thinks if only she had kept her, things would be perfect. It's like she thinks it would be the same, just add in one more child. But that is not the case....30+ years ago, her life would have taken a dramatic turn.

I'm not mad that people play the "what if" game....i play it alot too.

I'm not hurt that you can now see maybe you could have done it.

It frustrates me when people dismiss adoptive parents.

My sons birthmother re-made a list of pro's and con's as to why she was placing him the night before we left with him. In years to come, she may look at that list and think she made the wrong decision...i dont know. But I do know this....in years to come, she will look at that list with the maturity that she had gained since placing her child. At 15, she did not have that wisdom. She made the right decision for her, at that time.


You asked about our situation.....I'd have to say I couldnt really ask for a better extended family. They are very generous to us with their love and support. They treat us with respects as people, family, and the parents of our son who they love dearly.

That being said, it is still a new relationship....I feel awkward sometimes, not knowing what i should or shouldnt be doing. We have a first birthday coming up and I am at a loss. I don't really want to invite them to the party.....then i feel guilty. Of course I am going to have a seperate party WITH them....but i am talking about the one with all his little friends and our family. It just doesnt seem right to invite them, but it feels selfish not to....

****************

Heretohelp....what terrifies me about what you said, is thinking that my son, who i love more than anything in this world, could grow up feeling a victim because of my love.

I sure hope this is pms or something.....I'm usually one of those sunshiney people.....I hope this passes soon.

I wonder if some of this has to do with my lifestyle change..... I would normally be snowboarding every weekend this time of year....of course i havent been out once, and dont plan to with a new baby this year. Perhaps a lack of sun.

Lucky for my family and friends, on the exterior things are holding up quite nicely! just having some internal turmoil now and again....this too shall pass.


Leigh

[spaypets]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

The only comment she had about this was, she couldn't believe how hurtful the adoptive parents were to give this to her. How cruel they were. When her birthson disagreed and said that it wasnt out of cruelty...she blamed the adoptive parents for controling how he felt. She now warns all her birthmoms that any relationship they have with their reunited children will be controlled by the adoptive parents.

Oh my goodness. This certainly shows that you simply can't please everyone. How sad that she had to turn it into an adversarial relationship.

[srchin']

Linnie65,

I'm with you....my amom wrote a letter to help me to get my records opened with the court and she put that I had a "hole in my heart that needs to be filled and that maybe finding my bmom was the only thing that could do that". I actually felt hurt cause I never felt like I had some "hole" in my heart. So I asked her why she wrote that and she told me that she had a friend who was adopteed that told her that was how she felt so my amom believed that all adoptees felt the same way....... ........why do we have to al be lumped into one big pile can't we be individuals like we really are. I am not a victim either....I was loved enough to be given life and I was loved by my aparents.....adoption is not going to be my scape goat for my life's problems....LIFE is a problem in itself.

Sorry for the venting....but that felt good...lol!!!!!

srchin'

[JenWen]

I'm glad I'm not exposed to those kinds of stories on a regular basis. Talk about being in a lose-lose situation. I can understand that it would be hard for a birthparent who feels bad about placing their child for adoption to be compassionate to the adopting family and how it might be easy to pick them apart. But, ouch. That one example -- with the scrapbook -- it's very glass half empty. Makes me sad.

Jen

[Linnie65]

The birthmother after recently reuniting with her birthson received a package from the adoptive parents. Inside it contained a photo album and a journal. The journal contained stories about his first teeth, first steps, first everythings....and the photos of course were of him growing up. She had been saving these for her all of this time.

The only comment she had about this was, she couldn't believe how hurtful the adoptive parents were to give this to her. How cruel they were. When her birthson disagreed and said that it wasnt out of cruelty...she blamed the adoptive parents for controling how he felt. She now warns all her birthmoms that any relationship they have with their reunited children will be controlled by the adoptive parents.

Very sad indeed. How wonderful and thoughtful of those aparents to do that. I am sad for that woman.