[devotedadoptee]

I am furious! I've recently started my own web site and while researching I came across a website that has sickened me. This is a web site formed by birth mothers who carries the biggest chip on their shoulders. I have NO patience at all for these women that blames everyone else. Every one of them says their babies were stolen and they were coerced into relinquishing their rights. And if that is not the worst of it they actually think they can adopt these people back! Now I am one of the lucky one's. I have reunited with my birth mother. She is great! She has nothing but the utmost respect for my adoptive mom. She answered all my questions. But the most important thing to me is she has never pressured me in our relationship. She fully accepts that I will always call my adoptive mom "mom" and knows I WILL NEVER choose between them. I have grown to love her and I have accepted her reasons for giving me up. I don't and never will condone a mother giving up her child but it is reality.

So back to this website.....I got so angry reading these pages that I posted my opinion on the board. Well of course it was NEVER posted but I really made some of them mad 'cause I get a post on my board. Now I never used profanity in my post to them but one of them showed their ignorance by using it on mine!

Usually I will not tolerate stupidity nor will I respond but reading the post of a few hundred people, I have to make a stand against them. On one post they try to talk a young woman into keeping her baby when she says she loves her unborn baby but doesn't want to have that child raised in poverty. Of course we all know what caused her to become pregnant but the fact is now she's asking for help and these people are telling her it's wrong. And the child will only suffer if adopted.

I am sick and tired of adoptee's getting pushed around by both sides. We are the ONLY ones that NEVER had a choice of being adopted. Unless the birth mother was raped or molested I don't want to hear their excuses anymore.


I've vented enough!!!!!
Michelle
My Site......~The Adoption Circle~.......

[Edited To Remove the URL to an “Anti-Adoption” website.]

[Pocohantas]

I am an adoptee and I know exactly what you are talking about. As an adoptee, I am tired of everyone feeling like we should be the lucky ones. No!...the bmom's and bdad's should be lucky that we are trying to find them. We were the ones that spent years wondering about things we had to imagine; "What do they look like? Do I look like them? Why did they decide adoption? Where did bmom & bdad meet? Where they in love? Was I the result of a rape, one-night stand, or they were just too young to raise a child?" These are the things they know for sure, but we have to wonder, wonder, wonder. The sad part about is we did not choose to come in this world, they did! So, at least when we do try to contact them...give us something! Don't tell adoptees stories like; "My family will not accept this." "My husband or wife does not know about my past." "I have found peace." "I want you to move on." I was told by my bmom, "I have found peace, and God has forgiven me." Well, guess what.....who do you think allowed me to find you, when some adoptees never found out!" Now, I wonder what God will say about you ignoring my emails? I guess he will have to show you. Anyway, adoptees are special, because someone chose them and raised them to feel special. All I can do is let God handle the rest!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But, hey I feel where you coming from. I am not anti-adoption, but I am against birthmothers and birthfathers being found and not acknowledging adoptees who just want to know certain information!

[RiverGal]

Michelle ~ Obviously, all birthmothers do not share that mindset. I am a birthmother who has been blasted a few times myself, simply because I STILL think I made the right choice for my child...and that choice was 33 years ago.

My mother has an old saying..."'To each his own,' said the old lady as she kissed the cow."

~D

[mtlover]

Michelle,

I visited your website... I love it! How wonderful for both of your Mom's to know and love you! I find your website to be honest and very loving. Thank you for sharing!

Kim

[devotedadoptee]

Good day!

I pondered all day about my post, I was so relieved after I vented some, lol. It's so hard where I live because I have never met another adoptee and if I try to talk to anybody about my feelings they look at me like I'm crazy........sometime's I feel like I am nut's! So to have you all to talk to will help a lot.

Thanks Pocohantas for your support! I am soooo thankful my bmom wants me in her life. If she had rejected me, I really believe that part of my heart would have died. And yes God will have his day with your bmom as he will with all of us. But you stay strong for yourself, you have too! Because I don't know about you but I always have felt like I was my own supporter. My adoptive mom is great but I feel like I can't depend on anyone else for anything. So I carry all the weight on my shoulders. I consider myself a strong person but sometimes I get so tired. I want to jump out of the shadow and be the person that's real. I feel like I've got that jeckle and hyde in me. I KNOW that I'm a great person but the things I do makes me dislike myself sometimes. I question everything. I am opinionated. I am so self conscience because I want people to like me and accept me. I am very protective over anyone that gets hurt I jump to their rescue. And question myself "Would I act like this if I wasn't adopted". So the wondering all the time....I RELATE!

D, every person has to answer for their decisions. No matter who they are and what they have done. My amom always told me that my bmom did what she thought was best for me and she was only thinking of me in her decision. I'm glad she told me that all my life because it gave me some peace. I've talked to my bmom a lot about her life and questioned her up and down. But she was ready to talk. I just get so angry when I hear bmom's say "just move on", like Pocohantas' bmom did. It's like they forgot that they gave birth to a living human being that WILL grow up and WILL want answers. There are wonderful bmom's out there but then they are some horrible one's too. Nobody should place judgement on anyone but we all do. I do and I'll admit it! And honestly I place the harshest judgement on bmoms. Being a mother myself it's just so hard for me to reason why. I'm trying to understand and I want to learn. But it hurts so bad to see the negativity and selfishness from some bmoms. I know that adoptee's carries a lot of resentment and I may not agree with some but can understand them. In order for ALL of us to learn we have to listen!

Kim, thank you! My site is very new and the "html" is a definate headache. But it's worth it! If not for anyone else it is for me! Writing gives me strength! And people like you all gives me motivation! Get ready for me, you'll be seeing me all over this forum!


Take care!
Michelle

[Pocohantas]

Michelle,

Loved the last sentence..."Get ready for me..." That's right people need to get ready. Also, you stay strong and continue to be a given person. I am pretty independent too, and strong-willed. I guess God gave us that because he knew there would be obstacles that we would face. It's rough, but hey...it just makes us that much stronger!! God bless!

[FauxClaud]

Hi ...

I don't really understand why you feel so angry?
You said:
Every one of them says their babies were stolen and they were coerced into relinquishing their rights. And if that is not the worst of it they actually think they can adopt these people back! Now I am one of the lucky one's.

It is unfortunate, but many natural mothers of the past really did have their children stolen from them. Imagine that you are 17 and unmarried and pregnant...and you parents force you to go to a maternity home...and you are cut off form your family and firends and father of your child...and after given birth you cannot see or hold your child...and you never see your child again. Some mothers never even did sign anything..or did so while drugged.

The children, now grown, of these situations choose to be adopted back. They were not placed lovingly in a carefully chosen home even if the home was loving and good. And some of them were definatly not.

You might be one of the lucky ones, but how come there is no compassion for those who did not fair so well?

I'm sorry, I am not trying to debate with you. You have full right to your feelings, but I would love to understand why you don't believe that they have the right to feel as they do given their situations.

Claud
only though understanding is progress made

[Deniseyolande]

I hear your anger and I've also felt it myself, but I'm going to have to disagree. Through my own life experience, professional and personal I don't think there is only one answer. As an adoptee myself, most of my life I resented being rejected and abandoned , honestly If I could have chosen differently I would, but your right it wasn't my choice. Then I met my birth mother whom sounded much like the ones you described "narcissistic poor me", well I didn't feel sorry for her and I certainely wasn't going to take on her guilt, although she tried desperately. I guess my twenty years of therapy finally paid of.

I have also worked in the substance abuse field for eight years, In home behavioral therapy for four years and newly former DCF social worker, I have also seen the positive side of giving your child up for adoption. No child needs to wait years in a foster care system while your on your tenth attempt to get clean and sober. I do believe substance abuse is a disease, but I also believe people can get clean and sober if their willing to get honest and do the work. In cases where the women feels that her lifestyle is detrimental (not only in cases of substance abuse)to her children, is making the right choice by giving her child up for adoption. Why should a child suffer, when they might have a chance of a good life with different parents. I truly believe in the quality of life and not feeding into the cycle of dysfunction and misery. Oh yeah, I wasn't to pleased with my dysfunctional adoptive parents growing up either.

[FauxClaud]

I'm not sure if what your addressing is the same thing. When I said "drugged" I ment as in drugged still from drugs administered at the hospital as a result of childbirth. Frequently, the staff perscribed medications to "birthmothers" that was far above a beyond what was given to "regualar" mothers for the express purpose of getting the signature.
I also, do not feel that child should suffer under any circumstances. Children should not feel rejected and abandended nor should they suffer under addiction. There is definatly not only one answer to all and sometimes the needs of the child under such unfortuante situations such as addiction do superceed the rights of the parents. I will not agrue that at all.
Anyway..I still feel confused so I'll stop now.
Claud

[RiverGal]

Posted by devotedadoptee: Nobody should place judgement on anyone but we all do. I do and I'll admit it! And honestly I place the harshest judgement on bmoms.

I understand, and I admire you for seeking answers and educating yourself.

When I came to the forum, I was very biased against adoptive moms. Even though my daughter was relinquished in the "dark era," it was a private adoption and I was supposed to receive pictures every year. The promises were broken before the ink was dried good. It was only through education and understanding that I was able to get past my anger and realize that because HER mom acted like she did, that ALL adoptive moms are not like that.

Some people are just going to remain angry, blame the world for their misery and stay "stuck in their stuff." Hang around the places you can get positive encouragement...there is no need to be "trashed." You don't deserve it. You are blessed with a positive story...don't allow anyone to throw a wet blanket over it. Enjoy!

Just for the record...while I can understand how some birthmothers might want to remain hidden in the shadows for whatever their reasons, I just can't wrap my mind around why every adoptee can't be given at least the basic answers they are seeking. Medical history should NEVER be withheld...that makes no sense to me at all. Personally, any answers my daughter wants are hers...and I am open to any level of contact she desires. If she wants none, I can respect that...it is HER call.

~D

[Deniseyolande]

Dear Eggy, if I confused you sorry. I fully understood what you wrote about the mother's being drugged, due to medication for child birth. I was talking about how adoption could be positive for women who's lifestyles could be detrimental to their children ie. chronic substance abuser.

[devotedadoptee]

~D,
I totally agree with you about the medical info. I asked for mine when I was 16 and was told that I had to be 18! So I waited untill I turned 18 and asked again. My non-identifying info. was that my bmom wore glasses, so did her parents. No info. on the father! Is that not the stupidiest thing? I had to wait untill I was 18 to find out my bmom and her parents wore glasses. I mean what is wrong with these case workers.......would it have been so hard for them to get some of the DR.'s reports. She was in FC maternity home so I know from what she told me she had regular visits with the DR.
But now my bmom was determined she got real friendly with my foster mom!! She got pictures of me and somehow the foster mom got a lot of info. for my bmom. The state was keeping me due to a medical condition and would not release me. So we think that on my visits to the doctor's she must of done some sneaking!!! Without having any of our names, my bmom got info. even on my uncles!!! She also handed me my hospital bracelet and the card that was on my crib. I got to see my very first baby pic. because she pitched a fit and talked a nurse into letting her take a picture of me. I was adopted at 5 months so the only pic. I've seen is from then on.
It's the little things like seeing a picture of myself as a newborn that made me confront the issues of adoption. For example; I've had 3 names! The one that my bmom gave me "Michelle Deanne" the one that the state gave me "baby Mary" and the one my adoptive parents legally gave me (check it out) "Michelle Renee". Not only did both of my mom's name me Michelle........My amom's name is Mary and my bmom named her other daughter Renee!!!!!
Amazing!
That's why we need to tell our stories. Because when I talked to my bmom and explained ALL of my feelings. She got to see the other side. I just praise God that she is the kindest person I know but she understands my anger as well. In respect to my amom, she had a lot of anger too when I reunited with my bmom!

Claud, I'm sorry I've confused you with some of my anger issues. So this is what I'm going to do.............I'm going to start a new thread. It will be the dialog between my bmom and me on the first day we talked. I had always been terrified of our first meeting but when she opened that conversation with "Do you have any questions" I loaded her down. And 5 years later she's still getting hammered but you know what. She has NEVER backed down and she say's she knew the question's were coming! So for 28 years she never gave up on finding me and was ready for the good and bad.

So look for the thread because it's so hard to explain pain and anger but I will try!!!

Let's gooooooooooo.................
~Michelle~

[sweetpea_59]

My sister was also drag from my loving mothers arms, at birth. It is painful for her and for me not knowing anything about her, and to top it off their was a promise broken to my mother also.

[devotedadoptee]

sweetpea, if I may ask what happened? And how you feel as a sibling. Did you know your sister? Are you and/or your mom trying to find her?
~Michelle~

[sweetpea_59]

Hello devotedadoptee:
I have been trying to find my sister for years. The adoption files are closed back East. My mother at the time was under age and her parents, my grandparents who I love very much, had my sister adopted out because of the way it was back then. The father of my sister wanted to marry mom, but wanted nothing to do with being a father. My mother walked out on him on her wedding day. My mom meant my father, married him, then tried to get my sister back, but it was to late. I will have to admit that she was better off at that point, because my father was not the best father for a child to have. He passed away three years ago. My mother is in remission from lung cancer for four years now and she is getting old. She isn't going to be around for a long time. I was hoping to find my sister before mom passes on. I have a need to see her, but at the same time I wouldn't push it either, she may not want to be found, or she may not even know that she was adopted out? Only time will tell I guess, I will just keep on hoping. Mind if I change the subject. I went to the site you were talking about. I would have to say that I was a bit upset to, after reading the part where they are telling people not to adopt out their children. How do they know what kind of parents some children are born to. I am not downing the whole sight, but they need to learn a little more about people and adoption before they talk about whats right and whats wrong with it. A child will bond to the one that raised them and love them their whole life, blood family or not? Anyway's that my thoughts. Sheila