[Iyoba]

This is a question that was asked in the September 7, 2004 issue of Adoption Week e-Magazine. (http://e-magazine.adoption.com/issue/07Sep04.html#speak)


Can someone tell me why (most) adoptive parents get so upset at the thought of a birth parent coming into the picture? It seems most of the time no matter what the age of the adoptee, a-parents feel threatened. I would think by this time in both of their lives they would know their place in their lives and in their hearts. Not all a-parents are this way, but many are. - S.H.

(Please be considerate in your responses.)

[2boyz1girl]

Okay, I'm going to try not to offend anybody here, sorry in advance if I do. I think the reason adoptive parents get upset has to do with insecurities and feelings of unfairness. Which is the same cause of my fears with open adoption.

A typical adoptive family takes a child who has been relinquished. Meaning, that for what ever reason, the bparents (or mother at least) have chosen NOT to parent this child. (I totally respect birthparents for making this decision out of love for their child.) The adoptive parents become responsible for this child in every way, just as if the child was born to them. Most (I know, not all), love this child with all their hearts and treat them as they would or do their own biological children. They see this child as "theirs" and not "somebody else's." They raise this child, they do everything for them from changing diapers, to cleaning up puke, to walking them down the isle. Then one day, they find out that "their" child wants to find another set of parents (I know the reasons for searching and I understand ... this theory is about aparents, not adoptees). OR, that the birthparents, who had them do all the work of raising their children, suddenly want to be a part of their lives (again, this is about adoptive parents, not birth parents). Imagine for a second that a biological child came to a parent and said "ya know, I just feel like something's missing, I want to find another set of parents." What do you expect? Of course they feel like they weren't good enough, and maybe to blame for their child's unfullfilled desires. They react defensively. Then there's this whole stigma that society has applied to adoption. The adoptive parents spend their whole life trying to protect their child from that, trying to raise their child the best possible way. Then they learn that their child STILL has issues related to adoption and they feel that they have falied.

Having said that, I am very supportive of open adoption and I understand the importance of maintaining biological ties. I'm not trying to justify it, just explain a possible cause. I think that for an adoption to be successful adoptive parents need to overcome, or at least put aside their own insecurities and do what is best for their child. But I too have occasional insecurities and feelings of unfairness over the whole thing.

[MBB]

I agree with 2boyz1girl. I'll preface my remarks by saying that we have adopted one child and that we have a very open adoption. We are in regular contact with our bfamily and have enjoyed numerous visits. That said, I think that one reason we continue to hear stories of afamilies being offended and hurt by achildren searching for bfamilies has to do with the history of adoption and the fact that most adult adoptees were adopted under a very different system than we have now. Not only were adoptions much more secretive (perhaps adding to the stigma) but there was much more pressure on young and/or single women to give up children to adoption. Also young women who gave children up for adoption more than twenty years ago had absolutely no power in the adoption process. Today, many agencies have changed their models so that birthmothers have much more power in deciding whether to give up their child, when to do it, and to whom.

Thus, I expect that many birthmothers and adopted children who went through the ordeal prior to the open adoption movement have a greater sense of desperation about finding each other and learning about each other because so much has been kept secretive and they have been left powerless. I think that this is what has driven many of us who have embraced open adoption--that is, empowering both the bmother and achildren from the beginning so that there is a life-long relationship that is shaped by bmother and achild and not by an outside agency. As an aparent, it can still be challenging as there are moments that it feels unfair that we must "share" our child, but those moments are few and far between and it is then that I remind myself that a child is not an object to be possessed. He is not ours or theirs--he just is; and having both his aparents and bfamily around him will only enrich his life and how could I not want that?

Melissa

[michellemartin]

Thank you above for your posts. I'm very glad to hear that even though you've felt some insecurities you are working with your open relationships. I'm so glad also that adoptions have changed soo much over the past couple decades. Although some cases are just like 20-30 years ago, most are so much more positive. Most of us are allowed to choose adoption and not be forsed into it, which I think aslo changes the mindset people have about adoption. I parent my first child and still feel like a failure sometimes. I think thats natural whether the child is adopted or biological to you.

[KFinch]

I totally understand. My husband and I adopted a daughter just before her 18th birthday. She'd been a foster child in and out of our home since the age of 12 years. Both parents were deceased by the time we adopted. We just wanted her to KNOW that she would always have a home to come to, to bring her children, etc. You know -- no invitation needed for the holidays!! Kids don't stop needed family just because they reach a particular age. I applaud you for standing up for this young man.

You did the best job you could raising your birth children. Sure, we all look back and recognize that we could have done better. Is there ANYONE who doesn't? Still, you DID your job with the older kids. They are adults with their own families now. Their opinions should NOT sway what is in your hearts. They will come around in time -- let's hope. Rather than counseling, maybe your sons could talk with a pastor who could help them understand that what you are doing is truly a Christian act. Who could find fault with that?

Best wishes that everything will work out as it should.

[KFinch]

Oops, somehow I replied to the wrong thread.

[earthmother52]

My twin brother and I were adopted by a fantastic couple who
always , from the time I can earliest remember told us how
special we were ; how we were chosen, and that they did not
have to have us . Ours was a home filled with Christian love and
although my adad was a Presbyterian pastor , we learned that
salvation was not inherited !! God took him home a week before
our 16th birthday , and it was after that , my search began . My
amom was at furst a little hurt and told me that she alwayys knew
that it would be me who would want to search ! She had come
home early from work and caught me going through her legal
documents . Boy was she angry ! But, her love overcame and she
helped me as much as she could remember. I was close to 20 at
this time. Little did I know she was starting on the long road of
Altheimer's disease . While she still was not too far into that
maddening disease ; sometimes she would ask me about my
search. Had I found any info , etc. I will be 52 next month, both
aparents are dead , and although I am much closer in my search
I realize that I had the best parents I could have ever have had .
And I miss them both . Now I face finding my bparents also dead.
But I have to say that through it all , my amom never felt threat-
ened. She knew she had done her best . I am very Pro-Life and
Pro More open adoption records ; as I was diagnosed in my 20's
with Bi-Polar disorder, I survived Ovarian Cancer , and now am
suffering with Degenerative Disc/ joint Disease and severe rheu-
matoid and osteo arthritis .-All of which are genetic. My twin has
ADHD,Obessessive/Compulsive disorder, had two heart attacks in
his 40's, and also has the same arthritis problems. I hope this has helped .Peace be unto you.... Jude