[workingclassryan]

im not really here for support, writing how i feel might help me vent my feelings a bit. i have been searching for my birth family for years. i always expected the worst, giving the extreme age difference in my birth parents. she was 14 and he was 40. i always , in the back of my mind, expected to find out something like incest or molestation was the case. what actually happened was worse than all my fears. i finally got my non identifying information and found out that she was staying with a married couple and he began raping her while his wife held her down. the situation was brutal for her and cant even imagine how she felt. it hurts me that i have this bond with a woman who gave birth to me and i know she will never want anything to do with me. she had the option of aborting me and she didnt. she spent her pregnancy in the home i was adopted from. im still not sure what became of the man who raped her and is essentially my "father". i know she was not the only one who was assaulted by the couple. i have been trying to find records of this somewhere but am not having any luck.
i am having a hard time coping with this. my wife tells me that what happened is no reflection of who i am. i still feel hopeless in the situation. i am a product of something that ruined a little girls life.

[Shoshana]

What a terrible story, and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to try to cope with this information.

One thing I thought when I read your post - you said that you were the product of something that ruined a little girl's life. The actions of the perpetrators might have ruined her life (although it is very possible she has healed from the trauma) but it seems, especially since she didn't have an abortion, that she viewed you as special and worthy - at the very least, she wanted you to have a good home. Maybe, (and I know I'm guessing, but we really don't know how she felt/feels), you gave her strength - maybe she recognized that your birth was the one positive outcome of the terrible events, maybe she loved you.

Sometimes if you try to come up with a positive, or even a neutral interpretation, it broadens the ways you can think about something - and it is probably less hurtful.

Best wishes to you...

[workingclassryan]

thank you. im just having a hard time accepting the fact that i probably will never meet her. i understand why, but to know the fact is very disheartening

[Shoshana]

have you decided not to search for her? is it because of what you know about what happened?

it would have been really difficult for me to --not search--

[workingclassryan]

i never quit searching. i only found out about her situation 3 days ago.

[Just Julie]

The story of your conception does not have to have a sad ending. Because of the circumstances you understand why your birthmother didn't raise you. She chose to give you life, and you are thankful for that. I hope you do meet someday so you can tell her that. You are a very compassionate man. I imagine your understanding and tenderness toward her could be a huge part of her healing and make the final chapter of the story a long and truly happy one. God bless.

[errica]

I can imagine what you must have felt when you found this out, but please don't think any less of yourself because of this. You didn't ask for this to happen. You had no say in it, so there is no blame on you. I agree with the other posters, she could have easily had an abortion and put it all behind her quickly, but for some reason your mother chose to carry you and then selflessly give you to a family that could raise you. It seems to me that even at that young of an age your mother had the wisdom to separate the act that caused her to become pregnant from the actually pregnancy and resulting baby. Wise for her young years for sure!

Do not stop searching, I am sure that she would be very happy to learn that you grew into such a wonderful man. Although seeing you and reuniting with you MAY bring back some of the memories at first, she will finally have the peace of mind and hopefully some closure on the whole ordeal by meeting you and knowing that you came out okay.

[LoveRiddenDad]

Human life is proof that nothing is totally destructive. Sadly, rape is a lot more common than we'd like to think, and your mother dealt with it beautifully. She did not fall apart and commit suicide after being raped. She didn't abort you. She didn't place you in a situation where you might have been sexually abused. She obviously felt some deep pang of love for you. If anything, this should be motivation to keep searching.

[workingclassryan]

PLEASE HELP!!!! i know that if you have read my post that you know my situation and that some of you are experts in searching but i do not know where to start. i have found her real name and dont know where to start with it. please email me or p.m. me if you can help. i dont want to publicly post her name for the world to see.

[adopted des]

google her take all the informaition you have type it in googlt and try diif. things like that. it worked for me that's howi found my bdad have fun with that i found it exciting like i was a pirite searching for treasure!!!!



good luck


underaged des

[Just Julie]

I know nothing about searching, but if I were you, I'd read the many threads in the "Search and reunion" section of this forum. You can find it on the home page and probably find many hints there. Good luck. Like I said before you could be part of your moms healing.

[workingclassryan]

the problem is that i now know her name. because of what happened to her, i dont want to remind her of it. bring up a bad past. if she has healed from what happened to her who am i to bring it back up?

[Just Julie]

Hopefully a rape victim who has survived and thrived will contact you and reassure you that contact would be ok. Neither you nor I know anything about what that is like. But don't assume that she doesn't want to hear from you. It is entirely possible that she considers you to be a victim also. She may even be a strong woman who truly longs to reunite with hope of encouraging you. It is possible that you could be the light at the end of some tunnel of darkness in her life, the final chapter wherein good triumphs over evil. Don't deny healing for both of you because of assumptions based in fear of the unknown. You are obviously a compassionate man with no intention of walking all over her feelings. I'd bet she would be pleased to know you.

[ginasmom]

I feel sorta like the other posters here I bet you are the one good thing that happened out of her situation I doubt she gave you up because of the circumstances of your conception It's more likely she knew you would have a better life if she gave you up Most b'moms want the best for their child I believe she was and is a strong person As for searching for her Do you know what state she might be in? there are so many registrys you can post on and forums like this one But a little thing I tried while looking for my oldest daughter I typed in a first name and possible states on yahoo member profile search also same thing on aol and msnthen emailed the ones who might be my daughter I ended up finding two of her friends and ultimately finding herAlso asking for a search angel wouldnt hurt Good luck and God Bless Stay strong

[sherrykimball]

u must be a great person to think of ur bmom that way but she just may want to meet u i found my bfamily in the white pgs in yahoo