[kerry lynn]

I had been posting for awhile, a few months past, when I decided to persue my dream of finding out my Birth Story. I stopped posting because I was making no headway; and the SW who had promised me info within 6 weeks, seemed to vanish into thin air. Until Yesterday.

I met with her to review my non-id info. To be honest, I had almost forgotten about my request...being busy with life with 4 young children at home, doing the Summer Thing.

I had figured, what could I be told that I already didn't know? I knew I wasn't going to get "names", and aside from maybe a physical desciption of my mother at the time of my birth, I wasn't too nervous or worried.

Well, I was wrong. It is apparent (excuse the pun...) that the stories and bits & pieces of info my adoptive parents have been feeding me these past 35 years have been based on their version of what they deem The Truth. Something, I am realizing, they have no concept or intention of ever revealing. All that I was told was lie upon lie. Right down to my never knowing I had a name given to me BY my birthmother; her origin, my father's origin and the circumstances that brought me to the orphanage I actually never was placed in!! What I've been basing my life, my roots and my origin has all been false. For instance, my birth-country was not from where my mother came, but rather it was a place of refuge for her to avoid family & friends while she endured a lonely preganancy. I was brought up believing I was from Irish blood, to find out, no...I'm French Canadian. My birth mother speaks French!! Nothing like a LANGUAGE BARRIER slowing-down the Reunion process, eh?

I have always known my a-mother to be a jealous, insecure person, but never to the depth & magnitude she has revealed herself by my finding the actual truth of my birth family.

I am a mother, myself...and cannot FATHOM why a woman, who calls herself Mother, would not only omit facts, but lie about the few crumbs of information she gave her "daughter". How does one justify such an act? Insecure? Selfish? Worried? How about, vicious, cruel and diabolic??

I am struggling to make sense of all this "new found" information, and just failing miserably to comprehend WHY I was lied to for sooooo long.

My SW was so disturbed and shocked to hear MY version of my Birth Story, compared to the facts she had before her, she immediately requested I find a therapist in my area, and have this therapist call her, to arrange counseling for me. Great, I am now a Team Study.

I have told my closest friends, and husband this new version of my family history, and no one seems to know just how to respond to me. Thus, my return to this Forum.

Is there ANYONE out there who has had this type of betrayal? Is there anyone who can help me piece together what I THOUGHT was my heritage, to find out...no...I'm NOT "that"...I'm "something else"?!?

[aspenhall]

I'm sorry to hear this......Do you know for sure that your mom KNEW all the facts? Perhaps she knew some facts and theorized the rest to placate you as you grew. I hope you can find peace. Give yourself permission to feel how you feel and then give yourself permission to not let it affect who you really are (this doesn't change who you are now)

[kerry lynn]

First of all, I appreciate your reply... because so few people are able TO respond to me, I really welcome an opportunity to express what it is that is making me feel so pained.

That being said, let's say my a-mother had limited information...let's say she hypothesized my birth circumstances...let's SAY she meant no harm by filling in some gaps... The bottom line, is, she wasn't honest with me. Her daughter was not worthy of the truth. Something like a BIRTH NAME is important. In order for them to have adopted me, since I was born in Canada, they were required to obtain visas, and they both had to at least SEE my original birth certificate. They have copies of these documents. A few years back, my mother gave me some papers from the adoption agency updating the status of The Baby Girl they were to adopt. These papers were basically a run-down of my eating habits, recent height & weight, and various other observations made by the pediatrician. In the document, there is is blacked-out word. Blacked-out in fat bold marker. It could easily be read if turned towards a light source. It read "Wanda". I specifically asked my mother, "was that my NAME?" Her typical response to ALL my questions to her was met with silence. "Ignore it, it'll go away", is her motto. She knew...she KNEW, and STILL couldn't give me that piece of me. Why give me the document, then?????

Furthermore, most people - owning a heart, a soul and a conscience, tend to fabricate stories to create a more POSITIVE spin on the reality of a given situation that may be difficult for a child to understand. How could a Mother (BTW, I was brought into a family which already had a "natural" b.son of their own -- my mother had a hysterectomy following his birth, but still "wanted more") have and WANT a child to believe the very worst & dirtiest of the woman who birthed that child? What is the basis for that "new" Mother-Child relationship when it was founded on such filth?

Please understand, too, this is just one of many life-long strings of entangled deceptions and denials my mother has brought into my world.

I'm trying to make sense of something that just seems to defy my way of thinking a Parent/Child relationship should be.

You mentioned that this "doesn't change who you are now", and yet it DOES. An adoptee has so LITTLE that is his or her "own". To explain the absurdity of our confusion of not knowing who we take after, who we look like, who we remind other people of... what is our nationality...is like explaining color to a blind man. Tell a blind man, once he figures our Blue looks like how thorns feel, "no....blue looks like how WATER feels". Will that blind man NOT question all the words and beliefs he had trusted? How does that blind man then regard the color blue? With fear, or comfort? How does that blind man ever trust his Instructor?

I cannot help but wonder WHY adoption was ever deemed an acceptable option, when such wounds of deception and denial can destroy the life and memory of an adult about his/her childhood. An innocent child is a commodity, and a pawn. Outsiders, "impartial" decision-makers, determine the fate of a child, who is treated with the same regard as a puppy from a pound... I cannot help but feel profound sadness for these birthmothers who were used as machines to provide a "service" to people who are shopping for a family. With all due respect to those adoptive families who are NOT of my parents ilk, and to the past, present, & future parents of adopted children, I say: PLEASE appreciate what can happen when another person decides for another what is & what ISN'T necessary information. The good, the bad & the ugly is far better than lies.

No one deserves a life of not ever knowing the truth.

[Sidney]

From first post:

"My SW was so disturbed and shocked to hear MY version of my Birth Story, compared to the facts she had before her, she immediately requested I find a therapist in my area, and have this therapist call her, to arrange counseling for me. Great, I am now a Team Study."
===

The SW made a very good suggestion. Counseling should probably be mandatory in ALL search outcomes, for both searcher/family and bparent/family and afamily.

And by the way, you know that quite often searchers find something they don't like, have difficulty living with, etc. But YOU are the one who initiated the search, so the basic responsibility is for YOU to do whatever is necessary so you can live with the consequences.

Reunions are not always happily-ever-after, no matter how many you've seen on TV.

[rights]

Kerry lynn,
I am so sorry this happened to you. You have the right to be angry. I bet when others read your post they will realize how important it is to be honest with their children, adopted or biological. The truth always comes out. I am glad you found out while your children are so young so they can grow up with the truth. P.S. Your amom must have done something right because you sound like a person with high morals. Later, please try to forgive because it will only hurt you if you hold onto your anger. Somewhere in my life I learned if I don't like the way someone is, I will do my best not to hold it against them but I will do my best not to be like them.

[l-thompson]

kerry lynn ~ I am sorry you are feeling this way. To spend your life believing one thing and then finding out something different would be difficult to deal with.

You say you are 35 and so you were born in the era where we were all meant to live happily ever after. The birthmother would go on to live her life and the memories of her child and the relinguishment would eventually fade, the adoptee would settle into its new family and not have any questions at all about their origins, they would just slot in and this family would become theirs and the adoptive parents believed that once they had their baby in their home that would be the end of that chapter in their lives. Never for a moment did they think that their child may want to search in the future, I don't think they ever considered this a possibility as the basic way of thinking back then was if you are a good parent your child will never have the desire nor the need to search.Well, I guess its only been in recent years that society now knows that its not so black and white and perhaps they didn't get it quite right.

I understand how you will have negative feelings towards your amother but please stand back for just a moment......to spin the stories she has been I think may be a reflection of her own insecurity. I think maybe she thought if she made the story sound not so good that it would discourage any notion you may have to search. In her mind too it was reinforcing that she was the best mother for you and that the right decision had been made for all involved. I know it hurts but I think in a way she was trying to protect herself and you too from what may be found if you ever searched one day.

My amother said very little about my birthmother. She didn't give me untruths as in your case but she didn't tell me the truth. My amother just didn't want to acknowledge that I was adopted and certainly didn't want to discuss any aspects of the very beginnings of my life - no way, my life started the day i entered their family. I was angry for a while when I realised she knew more than she ever let on but as time has moved on there is a part of me inside that feels sad for her - she was just not secure enough in our relationship to be open and honest. I believe she thought if the truth came out her and my father would risk losing their daughter.

Can you sit down with your mother and get it all out in the open?
I wouldn't do it just yet as I sense your feelings are still very intense - understandably so. Let things settle for a while, see what the therapist says but it would be so sad to see this affect, from what I can read, what has been a good mother/daughter relationship up to this point.

Take Care

[dziecko]

I'm so sorry to read your very appropriate indignation and frustration. I know exactly how you feel. I was lied to in similar ways if for different reasons.

My a-parents didn't tell me that I was adopted at all - I discovered the fact by accident. Up until that moment, my a-father lead me on a merry dance around his family tree, showing me the gravestone of the first of his family who'd arrived in the US in the 1700's, after whom I was named. "There's your ancestor", he would say. There was a deliberate disinformation campaign to make me believe I was part of his bloodline, having no children of his own being his justification. My a-mother was a desperately insecure woman, terrified that her children would leave her if they knew that they were adopted. She willingly went along with the idea, even emigrating to Africa for 15 years upon discovering that my brother's birthmother was looking for him (he was also adopted and not told). To compound the issue, they were both neglectful parents, my a-mother being criminally abusive. The deception ended when we returned to the US and my brother's birthmother finally tracked him down. He received a call from a lawyer saying. "your birthmother is looking for you" when he didn't even know he was adopted.

I would love to say that I've maintained a good relationship with my a-parents, but its not the case. They quietly resented my successful search for my b-parents and claim that they did nothing wrong by lying to us. It was their choice and they stood by it, even in the face of my outrage.

I don't know if its the exact nature of the lies we're told which make the anger so bitter. Personally I think its the "loss of time as oneself" which makes me angry more than the reasons for the lies. Certainly, I wish that my a-parents weren't so miserably dysfunctional. More than that though, I wish that they hadn't stolen my real yearning for connection and attachment and used it for themselves. Its the most profound form of identity theft there is. How do you begin to repair a loss when it happened to someone you didn't even know existed - yourself?

[annelizly]

i too was lied to. I was told by amom that i was of a certain decent and was so proud to be able to claim a certain type of roots, only to find out later that she just gave me her roots, in truth my bloodline comes from a completely different country.
I also had a name for seven months! before my aparents got me and don't tell me they never asked nor were ever told my name and if they weren't, then what a tragic shame. I have children and at 7 months old they know their name!! I was lied to(and if i believe myamom so was she) about my bparents altogether!!
everything! my aparents were told that my adoption was held up because they had to find bfather and get him to sign off on me,(supposedly because bparents were married) in fact, they weren't and bfather was never notified of my exsistance.
but to me, the real question here is this, if back in the day when most of us were put up for adoption, the bfathers were never legally notified, so how many of us would have been or could have been raised by our fathers and their families had they bothered to find bfathers and notify them of our exsistance? could most of us been spared the stigma of adoption? I am not saying that adoption doesn't have its place but for those of us whose own fathers would have raised us wasn't it in our best interests to persue that avenue? and how can the system justify not doing so?

[kerry lynn]

I soooooooo appreciate each response to this thread... because there seems to be so few who can begin to fathom the bleakness that exists for those of us who have had less than Perfect childhoods and compassionately understanding, secure a-parents who can at least RESPECT the intrinsic NEED to know one own's origins. Certainly, somewhere in the human mind, there MUST be a moment when each of us questions, "Who do I come from? What is my family history? What ethnicity am I?". WHY would any adult think these questions would NOT eventually be asked by a child...birth, adoptive, or otherwise????

So for those who had aparents who were open, honest, and/or at least WILLING to acknowledge their child's birth story, I say, YOU are very fortunate people who have a GREAT advantage, and have avoided a burden and questioning (of Yourself) that can never be imagined. For those who lack that knowledge, it can haunt in ways that defy all that is right as a human. Even animals like cats and dogs, have papers that specify their lineage and pedigree. Are we, (who have no, or incorrect information), LESS than cats & dogs??

Please understand, by nature, I am not a bitter person.... but when something so intrinsically BASIC and important as a person's LIFE, NAME, and ORIGIN -- for any, or ALL, of these to be disregarded, or deemed inconsequential... I think that's an offense that warrents SOME outrage and questioning. WHY would ANY person think another human being's origin is NOT important? Scientists have debated and theorized for centuries, the origin of the earth & universe... isn't human life worth the same regard & respect for the truth?

Forgive me, but for those who say "please look at it from your aparent's perspective...." all I have to say is, my whole LIFE has been the by-product of what "THEY" chose to tell or NOT tell me. There is right and there is wrong; there is truth and there is lies... there is black and there is white. I refuse to accept ambiguity, half-truths and gray as an acceptable foundation and identity. Although I have no moral-right to "judge", I DO have a right to be hurt, disappointed, and disgusted with the false sense of integrity and honesty that was portrayed to me all these years, ESPECIALLY when I have repeatedly asked specific questions regarding MY story.

For those who understand my plight and angst, I say THANK YOU. It is the CLOSEST I can sense belonging to a clan that's within my own-kind. Sad, that cyber-strangers can relate MORE than family, huh?

[Jensboys]

I wanted to add that I am terribly sorry for you and your lies, and to say that being of Canadian heritage is really a wonderful thing .

French Canadians, particularly of a few decades ago were very VERY Catholic (so you can probably guess that is your religious heritage). It was a predominately rural culture back then - although it isnt now, and most are bilingual today. Thus, no (or less) language barrier. It is a beautiful province with a rich, deep history which you should revel in learning and experiencing.

Also, Canada is quite progressive as far as open records and searching should be a far easier proposition now for you. And, as Canada is much smaller than the states, finding someone isnt that difficult - if you know where to look.

A start for you would be to find out if your bmom was Quebecoise or from a french pocket in one of the other provinces - that will help you start.

I wish you God Speed and a quick search ... and welcome to the Canadian Club eh!

[kerry lynn]

I thank you for that sweet "perspective"!! I had been told by my aparents that my mother was from Newfoundland, a providence - according to THEM, that is "known for the drunks" and "very, very poor". I was also told that I was the by-product of an adulterous, drunken night of lust.

So MY perception of myself, my genes, and my heritage was one of alcoholism, wanton behavior, and poverty. Such LIKABLE traits, ehhh?

And yet, I OWNED that...and contrary to what my amother wanted me to be, (orally outraged and repulsed) I found the whole scenario quite courageous and almost understandable. Afterall, she DID choose to maintain the pregnancy, and deliver me. AND she chose to allow me a life and a future, despite her "mistake".

I remember on New Year's eve, 1999-2000, my hub & I were watching the news coverage of the different countries' celebrations and festivites around the globe, as each time-zone hit midnight. Newfoundland is the most eastern projection of N. America, with a time zone 1/2 hr different from us (NJ). That, in itself, I thought was funny! But as they showed the crowd in St John's, where I was born, it was REALLY funny, because, sure enough, the locals were gathered under a large tarp drinking, dancing and yelling like lunatics!! My hub & I LOVED that, as it's very much a testimony to the people's ability to have FUN and be nutty, while so many other countries seemed so "ceremonial", formal, and definitely, more affluent. I remember Peter Jennings, a serious, and often stiff news anchor, laughing, as well, saying something along the lines of "those Newfies....". I was proud, happy and thrilled to "see my Home".

THIS year, I find out, my mother moved there ONLY for the pregnancy and birth. She & my father, though not married, but a couple for many years, were both born & raised, on farms, in Alberta - WAAAAAYYYYY across the country!! My mother was an educated woman, and not remotely close to being an alcoholic. My father was in the Navy, and was commissioned to the Northern Territories, which is why they didn't marry and keep me -- too much uncertainty surrounded them. (I suppose...)

My mother speaks many languages fluently, has traveled the world extensively, and my father is Ukranian. QUITE a different picture for me to digest. And although it is VERY very positive, it's still difficult to process.

ALL those years I would ask about Newfoundland...research... study.... and my aparents, not ONCE, admitted to a different story?? Seems so hurtful to me, to deprive someone the opportunity to reseach the CORRECT information!! Absurd, actually.

But I digress. I look forward to learning my REAL heritage, as I have learned already the difficulty and progress Ukranians have had historically,migrating out of their country to Canada. But I will actually MISS the notion that I come from a people who were so light-hearted and "different"!!

I have to retrain myself and get accustomed to a lineage of FARMERS, not fishermen... sounds silly and trivial, but it's an odd and almost retarded notion to have to alter in one own's mind; I need to relearn a people I THOUGHT I knew, based on years of extensive research. Seems like such a wasted & foolish effort on my part.

And that's the best way to describe how I feel -- STUPID for not knowing my own parents. Period.

[ingodshands]

I am SO sorry, you had to find the truth out this way.

I am in the process of making steps to view my social services records. I want to find out the TRUTH.

I know you feel betrayed, and have to train your brain into a whole new way of thinking, to what you had been originally told. This is possibly what lies ahead for me too. I dread to think of all the lies I have been told in the past.

But even if this is so, I want to know the WHOLE truth, and even if it upsets me, I will be glad I have done the one thing that I DO have a choice in, KNOWING THE TRUTH.

I do not think anyone should purposedly "withhold" the truth, for whatever reason. Lies and secrets always have a way of coming back to haunt.

I know you feel really hurt, but try to remember....now NOBODY can lie to you, withhold the truth, because now you know for sure, you know the truth, and you done that for yourself, it was nobody else's decision, yours alone. Nobody can take that away from you now.

I hope you can find some peace.

Collette

[Jensboys]

The reality is that Albertans are not that different than Newfies Both provinces (and really I hate to generalize like this in the same way you wouldnt be able to say every Floridian dances the samba) are known for their FIERCLY independent lifestyle. Alberta and Newfoundland are both conservative provinces where a tough work ethic, home, family, church and country are supreme.

Newfoundland is much poorer economically, and the reality is that IF your bmom WAS from there - she probably wouldnt be there any longer. Alberta is very wealthy as a province and has had large numbers of immigration in recent decades. Chances are, if she WAS there, she probably still is.

If your bmom is multilingual, she was obviously a very bright woman. The ukranian culture is very strong in parts of Alberta and the prairie provinces and there are some really interesting museums to that affect there (for when you do your big trip 'home').

So is the french culture. It is possible, without a doubt, that a child a 40+ years ago could of been raised as unilingual french or ukranian in Alberta. You wouldnt know that now ... but then, certainly.

I wish you well on your endeavors.

[RKnotts]

kerry lynn,

Having read your story, but not all the replies you have gotten, I was overcome with the urge to write... Ever since I was a child, my Bmom has told me things that have now come to light as not so truthful... I was placed in a foster home in 1972 and was placed with my aparents when I was 16 mos old... I have always had a feeling that there was something missing, not just being put up for adoption... But my amom always told me the "positive" stories of them getting me in attempt to deter me from searching for my bmom.

After finally deciding to look, she was very upset with me and decided that she would not help. I turned to an Aunt that I was close to when I was going up and she actually told me that when my aparents first brought me home, they told them that there were siblings left in the foster home. I had siblings!! But then about a year later, my mother apparently changed her story and said that there were not other children.

When I questioned my mother she told me no, but then later changed her story again, and said that there we kids that looked like me, but they were never told if I was a brother to them.

It drives me nuts with the possibility that I may have siblings out there.

My mother was also told not to take me downtown in Anderson IN, because I had family down there that might recognize me... Which although I was a ward of the court, maybe my bmom never wanted to let me go.
(I am speculating there)

On top of everything, my mother works for a mental health dept for kids and so any sort of information that I attempt to get from the welfare office (they go by another name now), is potentially tainted. Because she is, know the people work in the office that holds my records...

So, you are not alone...

[Montraviatommyg]

It is beyond me why an adoptee should be told lies about their bmum particularly by their a-mum.

I am a bmum who has been in reunion with my bson since August 2004 and it is getting better all the time. In our situation as far as I know his a-parents have never said a bad thing about me but two family members have been nasty instead which is bizarre. What didn't help is that I had a falling out with my family (I still don't talk to my sister) between early 1999 to Dec 2001 during which my bson found my family and 2 of my husband's brothers (they only had brief contact) - I'm not married to his bfather. Even after contact restarted with my parents they didn't tell him they knew where I was and never said anything to me either. Unfortunately over the years my sister has lied to my bson about me and been nasty plus one of my brother in laws basically told him nasty things about both me and my husband but didn't keep up contact.

My bson didn't tell me this until after we started to get to know each other and has told me that he now doesn't believe these things as I volunteered info as well as answering questions. What I have told him ties in with what he was told and before he told me things that were said to him so felt I should know as he believed me over them.

It just goes to show you can come through the other side and get to the truth - we have a good relationship simply because I was honest before knowing about the lies.

Montraviatommygun