[tricia3]

I am a reunited adoptee for almost 3 years now. For the most part my ** and I have a good relationship. We live in different states and have only seen each other twice but we keep in regular contact via e-mail. Most days I am not angry that she relinquished me, I know I was better off because of this. I had good parents and the average disfunctional family. LOL
Lately though I am starting to resent my ** a little. When we talk or when she writes she always hurts my feelings. Her conversations are all about her children and her grandchildren and what all she does for them. I have kids of my own and she doesn't even acknowledge them. I don't expect gifts or anything, my kids have MORE than they need. But it would be nice for her to acknowledge them in some way.
The other thing is, I feel like she avoids coming to see me. She is always traveling to these wonderful places and to see her best friend every month. But she will not come here!!! I have a nice house and plenty of room, but she will NOT visit. I'm beginning to think maybe I am just a painful reminder of the past and that she would just prefer that I go away. I do not smuther her with cards and gooey emotions, I'm not needy and I don't stink so I can't for the life of me figure out what it is. I was going to file a petition to get my fostercare records and original BC, and in not so many words, ask her to come to town so I she could go to court with me, this would have been a shoe in for my motion. But she said she was too busy and she couldn't come ( in not so many words). She did send a note saying that she was in support of my motion.
So here I sit, wondering whether I should back off and give her all the space she needs or am I being over-sensitive. she did not respond to my last e-mail, that was over a week ago.
Please do not tell me to go to therapy, talking things out here IS my therapy. . I've been on the couch before and do not plan on going back.
Thanks for reading this.

[Kindreds]

I am in reuinion with my daughter and we lived 1,200 miles from each other so it is hard to arrange visits together, but in the past year we have arranged 4 and we have alternated who does the visiting. When it comes to our weekly calls, I do tend to talk about family, friends. The reason for this is that talking about adoption issues seems still awkward and painful for the both of us. We may touch upon something, then quickly move on. I try to not ask her too many questions about her family, hoping she will volunteer information. My own mother is a great "interogator" so I am ultra sensitive to this kind of thing - when I speak to my mother she has a battery of questions and I truly feel interogated by the time I get off the phone, so again, I try not to be like this with my daughter. I try to keep the calls upbeat, talking about what her sibs. are up to - although I try to interject some of the bad stuff too like illnesses, accidents so it does not come off like we are a perfect family. It is so hard to make a history with each other being separated by miles and separted by the losses. Why not be more forthcoming of yourself - offer up information of what is going on with your family and children. Make a little list before the call as a reminder of things to talk about. Maybe you are letting your Mom do all the talking. Just some of my thoughts - none may apply in your situation, but thought I would try to help.

[girlfriend]

hey, i think you don't need therapy, you sound like you are sound of mind and a nice one.
this is what i think, you should back off from her and if she cares she will come around , i know this sounds silly , considering she gave you up, but, you can't go beating up yourself over her.
my thing is, she should want to know about you and your own family a little more, than talk about the other childeren to you.that could come later.right now, she needs to work on yours and hers relationship and talking about the others is no way to start it off. and i think you already know that.
i wish you luck, it depends on her. if she doesn't come around, you are going to have to accept it, or you will be beating yourself up and have all kinds of anxiety in your life. and no one needs that.. it would be her loss, and has been her loss..goodluck!!
girlfriend

[LadyDyan1]

As a BirthMother, I've learned that there are more "gray" areas than there ever is white or black. In other words, sometimes there is just no simple answer. If maintaining a relationship with your BirthMom is something important to you and something that you'd like to continue, then I suggest that you should. I can't speak for all BirthMoms, wouldn't even attempt to but if I may share my thoughts with you. For many of us, losing our children was a loss that was full of shame and for many of us ended other family relations because of. That pain never, ever goes away no matter how we are told to get over it and to move on. There is that part of us, not seeing our children grow up, that the picture we remember stays fixated. They're always "our baby". Then once reuniting, it's still our "child", but also a stranger that somehow we try to find common ground with. There could very well be on your BirthMom's part some feelings of insecurities of wondering if she will be accepted in reality, if you'll ultimately be disappointed with not only her past life but with the future one as well. There could be many underlining issues which she has just not yet, for whatever reason, felt at ease enough to share. And it could be her own discomfort. Take your time, let her know you're there. My reunion was very quick and now because of it we are now estranged again. I remember the first time I put my son on a bus to go visit with other birth family members. It brought back this sudden rush of uncontrollable feelings just like it did the day we separated. Adoption can be a good thing, it can also be a bad thing. But I think the one thing we can all agree on is that it leaves scars which never truly heal. I would say to you to search deeply within your heart and do what you feel is best for you.

[tricia3]

....ya'll have given me a lot to think about. I knew I came to the right place to talk.
Anyway since I was last here I've been trying not to overthink my relationship with K****. I've continued to call her and just take it more slowly and have been trying not to expect to much. I've sent her pictures of the kids and have tried to open up. But something is on the radar. I can't shake the feeling that this is all too much for her. She also in reunion (kinda) with my halfbrother she relinquised 3 years prior to me. And that's not going very well.
So I guess I'll just be greatful for now that I know her and that she does want to know me. This is all so confusing and has left me not knowing how to act when I talk to her.
Please keep your thoughts and advice coming.
PS If my posts continue to be edited I will take my FREE SEARCH help someplace else.

[shirleyville]

Just curious......
How are your posts being edited? Are things being taken out or changed around???
How weird????
Hmmmmmm.....
Hugs,
Sally

[tricia3]

certain sentences I know I wrote are now not there. They weren't inflammatory statements, but someone chose to delete them. Don't ask me why.

[Seanymf]

Tricia,
I agree with Girlfriend.. Please don't allow your b-mother's lack of sensitivity hurt you. I'm sure she doesn't mean to dwell on herself and her other children. There have to be insecurities on her part because self-centeredness isn't a result of happiness....... Usually, self-centered people are very lonely and trying to fill some void in their lives.. I wouldn't be surprised if her life really isn't as wonderful as she's making it out to be. You just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go on with the knowledge that you have your own loving family and that you are a good person. Give her a little space and let her feel your absence. Don't be surprised if she comes knocking on your door for a visit...
Good luck to you,
Taryn

[tricia3]

Well I'm sad to report that things are no better with my bmom. She still doesn't call or write, I've called her on several occasions. She did not even call me on my birthday last month.
So that's it, I'm done. she didn't want anything to do with me 34 years ago and she still doesn't. It's tough to come to grips with the fact that the woman that gave birth to me want's nothing to do with me. I HATE BEING ADOPTED Why couldn't I have been born to woman that wanted me!!! Reject me once, shame on her, reject me twice, shame on me. I don't think I can put myself out there anymore to be hurt.!!!
Now, how do I tuck my feelings away so that I can't be hurt? Where do I bury this? How do I move foward with my life?
Has anyone else felt this way?

[shirleyville]

Well, Tricia, from one who has "been there", sort of , I can only give you advice based on what worked for me .....but I will give it a whirl, and you can decide what to keep and what to toss out, okay??
First and foremost, regarding......

Now, how do I tuck my feelings away so that I can't be hurt? Where do I bury this?

You can't "tuck away" your feelings and you can't "bury" any of this, or you will be doing yourself, as well as all of those in your life who love you, a great disservice. Tucking away or burying your feelings gets you where our birthmother's are today. A lifetime ago, many of our birthmother's did just that , and that's what makes them emotionally incapable of dealing with things today . Tucking, burying and sweeping under the carpet are very short term "fixes" to something that deserves far more attention.
Realistically speaking, YOU deserve to treat yourself and your feelings with much more respect than to just take them all, stuff them away somewhere and not acknowledge them.
The only way to deal with pain is to live thru it....work thru it....feel it all -- and then let it go. Burying it makes it a part of you --- it becomes a part of your being and it stays with you a lifetime. Speaking from personal experience, this is one of the reasons my own birthmother denied contact.....she buried everything and kept it there for 40 years. Pain, guilt, fear, anger......it's all laid inside her, festering and growing. Releasing it, by living thru it all, might have made her a far more healthy person today, and might have made the outcome of my search an entirely different story.
Second of all......you can only be hurt if you allow yourself to be. How you perceive things....how you internalize them....and how you conduct yourself during difficult situations are all a choice. You can choose to allow this situation to hurt you, or you can take the different aspects of it, and turn it around to become a positive.
One of the things that is a positive in this, is that you found your birthmom....you know about her, and she knows about you, and your children. Many, many adoptees never get that chance.
Your birthmom's "silence" doesn't necessarily mean that she isn't interested in keeping things "open".....it may just mean that in the last few years, she's had a hard time knowing how ......this is all very hard and very complicated. The whole search and reunion thing is such an "unchoreographed dance".....no one knows the steps, and it takes a lot of patience and understanding to work toward something that is smooth.
Make this all about your own journey.....learn and grow and become something more than you ever thought you could be from all of this!
Hang in there!!! You are never alone!
Hugs,
Sally

[PetersMom]

I am so sad to hear that you hate being adopted because you are much more than an adopted child. Adopted is your beginning, but not your journey.

May I tell you something from an adoptive mom's perspective? I speak as an adoptive mom who could not have a child, not as one who gave birth and then adopted.

An adoptive mom is different from a mother who gave birth to her child. Most adoptive moms have suffered loss of dreams that their husband would put his hand on her expanding belly and talk to his child through her belly. While other mothers talk about their labor and delivery, we can only sit on the sidelines and listen. We are not able to participate. We want so desperately to have a child, but we must wait for a mother to decide that we would be better parents than she would. Regular moms get congratulated at the hospital and are sent home with gifts from the hospital staff.

Adoptive moms are scrutinized before they are given a child, and scrutinized after. If we are frustrated with our child as they grow up, we are told, "You chose this, remember?" We are expected to be perfect, we are expected to always be joyous. We are scrutinized silently when we need to discipline our children.

Birthmothers have it even worse. They go through a pregnancy alone, go through all the pain of delivery, and then leave the hospital with nothing but pain. They may hear their friends talk later about their labor and delivery, but they also cannot participate because they may not have told their friends about the adoption plan they made and may not want to revisit the pain they suffered by the placement.

Often we are on parallel paths from what is considered "normal". What that means is that we are all going on a journey through life and are on the same path, but there are areas in our life where we walk in the same direction as our peers, but on a different path. Example: my friends and I are all mothers, however, the paths to motherhood were different, but now we are on the same path raising our children. Imagine two lanes of traffic now converge into one. Yes, adopted children are different, adoptive parents are different, but that doesn't mean "worse". Sometimes being adopted is a blessing. You mentioned that you had a great dysfunctional family and you said you were better off having been relinquished for adoption. My suggestion is to focus on what you do have and not what you don't have. As an adoptive mom, I must focus on the child I do have and not the child I could have had if I hadn't been infertile. You may not have been born to a mother who "wanted you" but you were given to a mother do did want you.

I don't mean to be mystical here and I hope this isn't coming across as that. I have had to go through a grief process over the last 5-7 years and these are some of the things I have learned. I hope it helps.

[ScoobyDoobydooo]

Ahhhh but it is our journey as well as our beginning. No matter how old we get we will always be adopted. Nothing "fixes" that for us. The pain, abandonment, wonder, and every other lovely issue remains. Good parenting can help but it doesn't change what we are. Those of us who have been hurt by being adopted will always be hurt. Yes you can get therapy, yes you can have a pretty normal life, and yes we love our aparents but none of that changes the journey we were set upon before we were ever able to say if we wanted this journey. When I was a newborn if someone had asked me if I wanted to go down this path I would have said no. But I wasn't asked. Neither were any of the other newborn adoptees. But rest assured this is a journey and not just a beginning.

The very thing I had done to me that has hurt me so badly I did to my son. He is now an adoptee too. Someday I'll be at this very same place trying to help him heal from what I did to him.

For all of you hurting I am truly sorry. I do hope in time you are able to become ok with whatever has happened to you.

[jude4691]

Hi tricia3,
My reunion broke down with my bmum after 14 years.I do think my plans to adopt may have been a trigger. I also wonder if I had been more"needy" my bmum would have been more interested in keeping a relationship with me.
I had been happily married for many years when our relationship broke down.I believe my adoption should never have happened(coerced adoption in the 60's),but my life has not been ruined. Maybe because I was not needy there was nothing for her to mother? I could be totally wrong, but that is my gut feeling.
I have also wondered whether my life not being ruined suggested to her that my adoption had been "right",whereas from her side she had always regretted it and thought it "wrong".
I felt that I was a reminder to my mum of all the pain she had been through, and I still feel she has unresolved issues.
I have to say her rejection of me as an adult was dreadfully painful,but I did face my feelings and have come through stronger without having to harden myself.It helped me reassess my goals in life and commit myself more fully to them.
Reunion is filled with so many painful issues but you can come through this.Keep talking.I wish you all the best.

[tricia3]

I do believe adoption is MY journey. Scooby, as you said "nothing fixes that for us". This is a very true statement. For example, my amom, whom I love very much, does NOT understand my need to have a relationship with my bmom. She says that I am who I am and genetics has nothing to do with it. There is no possible way for my amom to understand this. And I for the life of me, can not explain it to her in a way she could possibly understand. I sort of think of adoption as a brand. I can't ever get rid of it, it will always be a part of me all my life. It may not affect the way I live my life, but it will always be there. As hard as my parents tried to pretend that I was not adopted, the more obvious it became to me, that I should feel differently because I was adopted. And I never felt comfortable asking any questions. All the parenting and ignoring still could not cover up the fact that I was adopted. It simply would not go away. So 34 years later my amom is wondering why I have such a need for......well...whatever it is I'm seeking.

I don't "blame" adoption for any difficulties in my life. But I do believe adoption has been a journey for me.

[tricia3]

It's been quite a while since I heard from my bmom, but yesterday she called!!!!! I had all but given up on our reunion. I had accepted the fact that I would not ever have the contact that I would like to have. But this call was a baby-step in the right direction. I still have happy feet 24 hours later.

Just wanted to share!!!!!!!!!! tricia