[reggy]

I have been reading thru alot of the previous links and I can totally relate. I am an adoptee and as far back as I can remember I have been depressed and never felt like I fit in. I always felt like there was a hole in my heart-waiting to be filled. I had trouble relating to and trusting people--I mean, my own mother gave me up; if she didn't want me, who would? I suffered thru many years of depression and had suicidal thoughts and plans since I was 9 or so. I've had numerous suicidal attempts (none successful) and have been diagnosed with Bipolar II--which has a STRONG familial tendency. I now have a child of mine and it actually feels good to finally have someone in my life who is actually BLOOD related. I have been searching for years and would just wish that I could put closure to this-even if my birthparents don't want a relationship; I just want to SEE them..........

[Madz]

Hey Reggy,

Firstly let me say I am sorry that you have been having such a hard time with being adopted. I too am an adoptee and I know how isolating it can feel at times. You need to be able to talk to people about it. If you don't feel comfortable with friends and family then perhaps you should see a professional ie counsellor.

I have been reunited with my bmother for almost 12 years now and although it has had it's ups and downs it has definitely helped me in discovering who I am today. Unless you are adopted you don't understand the importance of this blood tie. It is something that most people take for granted but for us adoptees it is something we dream about and desperately hope that one day we will be given the chance to meet our bio. parents.

I hope that one day you will be reunited with your bparents and will be given the chance to at the very least know who they are. Don't give up hope and remember talk to people about how you are feeling. Don't keep it all inside.

Take care
Madz

[phyden]

Reggy, don't give up on yourself!!! I'm 62 yrs. YOUNG and I was introduced to my adoption in a rude ugly awakening at the age of 7 and didn't even know what it meant yet, like you, knew I didn't feel like I belonged somehow. I've also been diag. with bipolar II disorder and maybe it goes with the territory (I'll ask my therapist next week), I'm on medication every day for the rest of my life and until I woke up and realized I needed help from a professional (or rather admitted I needed help) I really struggled with a very stressful career and many personal issues. Adoption is not the cause nor is it the affect after all you and so many others were chosen and like my mother, were given up for very good reasons; maybe personal, medical, financial, or even social; but whatever the reason believe it was a good and just cause, seek some outside counseling/professional help.

[lostinoz]

reggy - I am a bmom and I can feel much of what you say.

"--I mean, my own mother gave me up; if she didn't want me, who would?"

My experience was one where my father abandoned his wife and kids when I was not quite 3. My mother was pregnant with my sister at the time. I remember years later that my mother said I was dad's favorite, between my brother and I. I don't remember any of that. Didn't remember him. But I thought if I was so loved why did he leave, why did he never make any contact with us? It's hard to wonder what was it about yourself that wasn't good enough to keep your dad around. I felt thrown away. As a child I went through alot yet as I grew older, and older I came to see that it wasn't me, I wasn't at fault. Still there are always scraps of those childs feelings. There was more to it of course, among it all our mother suffered from mental illness and made it a point to let us know that we were her unwanted burden. And I felt - why is that our own mother and father don't love us, isn't that what parents do - is love their children? Children so easily assume the blame of their lives, children are feelings more than thought. And when I hurt I tap into that hurt child so easily.
When I found that I was pregnant and realized I could not keep my child I was devastated .... my act of giving her up was not a rejection of her. I was rejecting myself. I didn't have anyway to take care of a baby at that point, it was just me. Not me and money, not me and baby clothes, not me and a place to live and food and formula. Just me. And I alone, no matter how much I loved my baby was enough. I wanted it to be but it wasn't. So I had to reject myself. Maybe your mom was in a hard place like that. Maybe she wanted the world for you and couldn't even give you a room, a blanket. Maybe she knew that you, her wonderful, beautiful baby boy needed more, needed to be safe and sheltered AND all that could not wait. She could not put her life on fast forward while you stayed on pause.
I know what it is like to not fit in, I wanted a mother and father that loved me enough to stay in mind & body. I wanted to see cousins and aunts & uncles in whose faces I could see looks and expressions I shared. I wanted common history and genetics.
When I had my oldest son I was overwhelmed - how could my parents not love their child like I loved this precious baby. How could they not get it. And of course I understood the irony of my daughters adoption even deeper. How could I in turn give up my child? I have had difficult reunions, 3 so far with my daughter and I hope that we can connect again and it will stick this time. I just want you to hear that your mom wanted you so very much - it's not a casual thing to give up your child. It's not even hard, it is so much more. It changes your whole life. My daughter is a missing puzzle piece to my life and I hope I am one in hers .... maybe we can work together to finish the puzzle. I sure hope you can work on your lifes puzzle with your bmom. And I am glad that you are here now to create your own puzzle with your child. Be nice to yourself, be patient and kind to that child in you that wants and needs to connect. Take care of yourself .....

[solonely1974]

reggy,

you are like a spitting image of how i feel. and still feel. i think the only thing that is keeping me here are my children (6yr old girl, 2yr old girl, 1yr old boy). I am married but lately (this weekend) I have really begun to feel like I don't belong here. And it sucks. I make my own family and I don't feel like I belong.

If you EVER want to talk, cuz I always do , please email me. I have a hard time talking with friends as well as my husband. My friends all seem to have this wonderful life growing up (i did to, just seriously depressed), no one knows that I have attempted suicide.
But I'm always looking for a friend to talk with. Please, again, consider me if you want to talk.. look at me beggin ha ha ha.

[clara]

Hello Reggy,

Are you being treated medically for your condition?I ask because it is crucial to realise that what you feel is chemically based: you suffer the effects and symptoms of what is a recognised medical condition. it is not a mental issue and not something for whichyou are to blame.

The right and appropriate support and medication can change your life.

Also keep in mind that more often than not a mother reliquishing a child for adoption has nothing to do with rejecting the child: it is a selfless act of letting go and something she has had to live with: she has had to learn to live without you. I know the way you feel: I felt it for years, but it is does not have any real connection to what could or probably did happen. You have to change how you perceive what your mother did so as to stop feeling worthless. i know it is hard I battled with it for years too, but I finally see it differently and am at peace with what has happened in my life. So can you.

best

Renée

[image]

Its crazy isn't it? We (adoptees) all feel the same way......it almost feels like an epademic. One of the great things about this forum is you can read about others that feel the same way you do. Thats helps the feeling of being alone in the world thats for sure!

Keep smiling

David

[gaylene]

i wish i didnt feel like apart of me is missing i have searched for along time and feel lost and not apart of enyone wanting me i dont want to hurt my birthmom i just would like a change at connecting with someone i am relly a part of hope your life will turn happy foryou i am still trying to belong somewhere

[briandnic]

Isn't it wierd how an adoption where the birth mothers wanted a better life for us adoptees ended up causing a lot of us more pain in the long run. I too feel that I never fit in, but at age 26, I finally have come to terms with it. I am glad I am different from my a parents. It shows me that I am an individual. I too have children that I kept, and it is way cool. It would be nice though if I knew what my b parents looked like or have a history on them. I have a question for you. Now that you do have a family of your own, does it piss you off that your parents weren't strong enough people to make a better life for you? That is my biggest fear. When and if I do meet my mother, if she tells me that she wanted to give me a better life, I think I'm going to freak out. If she wanted a better life for me, then I feel she should have grown up and created that. Not many of us were in the greatest situations when we got pregnant, but I have made a great life for my kids, and I feel if I could do it, anybody can do it. And one more thing....You said you were on meds for depression. Do you know anything about natural healing? I am a firm believer that the power that made the body heals the body. These doctors out there make me sick. Did you know that the side effects of depression medication are actually Depression and Psychosis. How is that helping you? Please check into the medication and look for other alternatives. If you want any advice on this you can e mail me at briandnic2000@yahoo.com
Thanks so much for sharing your feelings.

[vaovasa]

its great to read your forum to know others feel the same way.this is the first time for me here.i am an adoptee who has met his birth family.i live in sydney australia,my birthmother in NZ and birthfather in Washington D.C.
i received a phone call from a friend tonight who is an adoptee but has not met his birth family.he told me of how he tried to commit suicide tonight.he is very depressed at the moment,he has been divorced now has split from his girlfrienda nd he feel she is not a good father to his young boy.i know the issues he has are related to his adoption and the fact he hasnt met his birth family.he is stubborn and every time i broach the subject of a reunion he brushes it off.i heading to his home on the weekend to spend the weekend with him.any ideas??

[clara]

Hello veovasa,

I would suggest you encourage your friend to talk about what makes him feel the way he does. Is this the first time he has tried to commit suicide? Even if he does talk to you, you should try to find out, gently, how he feels about seeing a professional to help him work through his problems. It is obvious that he needs medication to stabalise his mood, but even if he has never taken any or is defensive about using them, you have to sound himself out very gently
You say your friend's problems are adoption related, why do you believe so? He needs to know you will not desert him as well and that you do not judge him for what he has tried to do. Do you know how he tried to do it? He is crying out for help,but I think you know that. There are ways to help him, but you have to first find out how open he is to being helped and his willingness to do as will be required of him. treatment has to be a need that he chooses: you can work with him to get to that stage but it takes time, and a lot of patience and encouragement.

Let me know how I can help you help him.

affectionately

renée

[vaovasa]

Thanks for your kind words.It is great advice and I will remember it when I visit my friend this weekend.

As far as I know its the first time he has tried it,I know he is hurting I could tell as soon he rang and he said that he placed a plastic bag on his head and passed out unconcious.Fortunately he came too and saw fit to call me.We have been best friends since we me first at rugby.Even though has a large circle of friends he only confides in me.

Being an adoptee I understand his feelings of emptiness and being unsure of his place in life even though everything on the surface appearing fine.Low self esteem I would describe it as.I have run the whole ganut of feelings as I reunited with my biological parents 10 years ago and I still feel empty,angry and confused as to why I was adopted out sometimes.He is yet to cross that bridge but I think he needs to.

Once again thanks for your kind words and advice.

[Unidentified]

Hey Reggy and everyone

I've been doing a lot of hurting and soul searching and wondering myself lately

I am beginning to realize that the sadness rage depression I've felt all my life is litterally because I was given up at birth
At that tender age we are NOT meant to be separate from our mothers! We honestly experience our moms as part of us!

We lost part of ourselves when we were lost to adoption
Then no one around us seems to understand or validate the horrible trauma we experienced
In fact society expects us all to feel grateful!

Depression is an expression of ANGER
it's sad becuase the anger is reflected back on ourselves

The problem isn't with you Reggy
it's with what happened to you and because no one out there will even acknowledge it

Once you realize that you can begin to heal
and sublimate your anger (stop turning it inward and start using it to do things in your life

we're all entitled to our feelings
and at least here is a safe place to express them

All the best
-Marijke

[dynamic2003]

Thank You Reggy, and all others posting here. I did pose a similar question in the Adoptee Forums asking if adoptees have "patterns" of behaviors. I am trying to discover the "root" [for lack of a better term] of the depression litterally "overshadowing" my existence. I'd like to know from other adoptees if similar things happen to them, like the overwhelming depressions that seem to surface most often during the holidays, and esp. on birthdays. It hinders my happiness even in good times, it just seems to fester itself all year round. I guess I have it twice as hard, since not only do I have "major depression" which I believe stems from my being "twice" adopted, but I also have "PTSD" caused by years of excessive and relentless abuse at the hands of both adoptive families as well as others in my life. I'm trying very hard to reach beyond the emotional stresses, scars and strains of it all. In order to do that, I need to find the source, or at the very least, the "trigger" that sets it off. I'd like to know more about adoptees that may or may not suffer from depression, so that I can better understand my own circumstance. Thanks for bringing this subjuct to light. Depression seems to be a very sore subject for most.

[Unidentified]

Hi dynamic 2003

I have to dash but I really wanted to post a quick reply to your post ASAP

The evidence is anectdotal (spelling?!)
but I have heard many stories of adoptees suffering from depression particularly around holidays and birthdays
I urge you to get a little book by Joe Soll
It is called Adoption Healing a path to recovery

Joe is an adoptee and a counselor
He has worked with many many adoptees with problems that sound a lot like yours
He runs adoptee support groups in NYC and upstate
he has information on support groups around the country

Joe's book and support group have helped me to understand my triggers for depression and anxiety and for the first time in my life my depression makes sense

Sounds like this may be the help and information you're looking for

All the best
Happy 2004

Marijke