[cannego]

I am new to these forums, and what I have posted already has been pretty unPC, but I really feel like I need a place to vent.

I am an adult adoptee, mother of two, and post reunion 7 years.

When I read through the birthmother forums, to try to get an idea of what would cause a young woman to give away her child, I get so angry. I feel like I could just grab some of these people and shake them. I especially do not understand people who have had one or more children (at home) and then decide to give up subsequent child/ren.

Now please, before everyone gets angry, understand that I am not talking about extreme circumstances like rape, incest, extreme poverty, children with serious disabilites, birth mothers who are mentally ill,etc.
But for the life of me, I cannot understand why a healthy, young woman with a healthy baby would give that up. Don't these birthmoms understand that the reason they are going through such intense pain, guilt, anger, depression is because what they have done is just plain wrong? It goes against nature! It goes against our biology to have a baby and go home empty handed! That's why it hurts so much!

I am also angry that so many birthmothers talk about wanting a better life for us, but don't seem to realize that they are making a choice for us because of what THEY want. They are making a choice based on what kind of life they want, or what kind of life they think their child might want, but this choice they have made will affect us our entire lives. Another poster made a good point: for the birthparent this begins when they make the decision for adoption, sometime as a teenager or young adult. For us adoptees, this is OUR ENTIRE LIFE. They are ripping a child away from it's mother because of? Money? Social advantages? Better neighborhood? A parents have better jobs? I mean really, are these really, genuinely GOOD reasons to force psychological harm on an infant?

Do any other adoptees out there understand how I feel?

[Jennyjean]

YES....the feelings you are experiencing are very REAL and true. If people get offended by it then this forum is NOT what it boasts. Where else in the world can anyone truly understand what you are going through? I am an adoptee and I've been through hell and back as a result of what "other people" thought were best for me. I'll tell ya....I don't think ANYONE truly knows all the answers. There cannot, nor will there ever be, ONE solution for MILLIONS of DIFFERENT people. Procedure is wrong.

As far as birthmothers giving up their children....well, you need to look at it objectively. I know it's really hard, as I too am an adoptee and have been through all of the stages from depression to anger....and ultimately.....clarity. I stepped back from my situation and took a good look at it and realized that there are all kinds of people in this world. Some are good, some bad and others indifferent. This also applies to birthmothers. They either were good people going through a bad time in their life OR they were heartless, oblivious people from the day they were born. The point I'm trying to make is that you musn't take it personally......it's all on them and NOT you. No one in the world can express annomosity towards an infant.....not unless there's an underlying mental condition in which case,.....there's really no one to blame. Take pride in yourself in knowing that you have come this far after going through all that has been thrown at your feet to deter you! I have.....I am a better person for it. Use what you know and make a difference in someone's life who needs comforting......perhaps a younger version of yourself. After all, we can't change what is done.....the best we can do is prevent it from being done to someone else.

Hang in there.

[pjinokeechobee]

I understand some of your feelings can't agree with all of them. I am a bmom. I was in some of the situation you mentioned this was in 1982. I was 17 living at home with parents and siblings barely getting by week to week never mind month to month. The bfather didn't want anything to do with me any longer and I found out into the pregnancy he had been doing drugs so there was a possibility something could be wrong with the baby. I had a private adoption the parents new of the possibilities there could be problems and they wanted her no matter what. At 17 I was anything but mature and responsible.I could have givin her love nothing more. I went to the state for help they told me dad made to much money.he was supporting a family of 5 already I couldn't ask him to try and feed 1 more although he probaby would have done it willingly. I felt my daughter had a better chance at a good life not an existance if she where placed with this couple so that is the choice I made. Idon't think I am a bad person I don't think I was being selfish I think I was being selfless. I gave a couple who otherwise never would have had children a child to love. I felt and feel the pain daily because I am a loving person she was my first born I never saw or held her.
I am sure there are those for social reasons or not wanting the responsibilty. I would rather bare all the pains and deal with the regrets and now I gave her a LIFE compared to an existance. Thank you for sharing your feelings I wish I could have all the anwers for each situation there is a different answer I in no way took offense to what you said in case you get that kind of response this is a venting forum as well and all said I take in as knowledge. I just wanted you to know not all birthmothers do this because of what they want my feelings never came into my decision it was all about her!

[Mickeydt]

Thanks for having the courage to express how you feel regardless of political correctness. I can relate to the anger in your words related to how a bparent could actually give their child away for any reason within their control. Just to make the conscious choice to give a child away. A child that did not have the option to be born but yet will face the responsibility and burden of sorts of being born and not wanted. To me, an adoptee as well, that feeling of being unwanted is overwhelming and has taken me a lifetime to begin to fully understand (not saying I do understand).

It doesn't matter to me why I was unwanted. I'm sure there are a lot of great reasons that are possible, perhaps even some I could accept. However, it still doesn't negate the fact that i was unwanted. Now that I am an adult and considering children myself, I just can't see how a child could be unwanted.

Since I wasn't aware of being there when I was born I hate to judge another person faced with whatever they were faced with, but it does hurt and it is hard to understand...

Thanks again for your direct feelings and for daring to state exactly how you feel.

[raybuffer]

Forums are for venting and seeking support. Everyone can't always agree.

I am curious about why you are so angry 7 years after your reunion. Was your reunion or adoptive upbringing bitter?

As far as your views, I can empathize with them. It's easy to see our own value system and choices as the norm - but I've come to realize that not everyone thinks the way that I do. So what I may be getting at is, although you have two children of your own, a woman who get's pregnant may not wish to raise a child. Some women do not want to ever be mothers. They may not have been raped or abused or mentally damaged, they may simply not wish to have the responsibility, or be too immature, -too young to make the choice. Sometimes the choice is made by the birthmother's parents. Regardless, I'd rather be raised by people who wanted to be my parents than a person or family who didn't.

There are of course situations where adoptive parents abuse their children, but then so do some biological parents who raise their children. Dysfunction can exist regardless of the circumstance.

Adoption is not natural, but as long as humans enjoy freedom of choice, adoption will be necessary.

Ray

Cannego,

I am not going to get angry at your feelings...maybe some will...but as an adoptee I never felt that anger growing up. I always felt positive about my adoption. I was made to believe it was a good thing for me. So therefore , I was brought up having a relativley normal childhood...just worried about normal childhod things. Nor to say I wasn't curious about bparents...but it was never a major problem...I was just a kid with loving parents and a decnt family. I use to be very curious about bmom and my mom gave me the info she had...I use to ask why and was told that they really didn't know but they were pretty sure that she loved me very much but was unable to care for me. That was enough for me. I think because I was pretty secure in my family that it never occured to me that it could have been for any other reason but for the best interest of myself.

I do understand your feelings but as an adult I think I can see the very different situations that make a birthmomther place. Sometimes those situations ARE selfish, sometimes the birthmom was just a child herself and was told by other adults what to do, sometimes the situation was so overwhelming that they felt they had no choice.

As far as whats natural and whats not, hmmmm....I felt my aparents were very "natural" to me, I didn't know anything else. When I met my bmom there was not a "natural" feeling of love...it took time because in my mind I felt that she did not validate my WHOLE life...it was like she felt "well I am you mother...nothing else is important",is that what you mean by natural? She was not interested in what my life was like....it was like 30 years never existed....but we never got the chance to talk about it because even tho we were 17 years into reunion, she kept things very superficial...would get angry if I probed to much. Now that makes me angry, I fully understand when a women feels she needs to place, even if its for selfish reasons, because the child is deserving of unsefish parents, whether natural or not But I don't understand a bmom not wanting to be honest to an ADULT child regarding circumstances. It reallt put up a barrier in out relationship. Because it continued to be more about her then me....as was my adoption...

And after many years of thinking about it, I know she was a good woman ...but we all possess limitations and hers was not be able to probe to deeply...it must have scared her or she just didn't have the ability...lots of peole like that...they just live for the moment without to much introspection...its just the way they are.

The point is whats done is done...I was put up for adoption...she did place...my parents brought me up.....I think if we delve to much into it it could make us go in circles...and gain nothing.

One last thought, there are some birthmoms on this form that do put their child or adult child first....meaning understanding feelings ect....I have lots of respect for those women and men.

Donna

[sspete]

Reading your post was very difficult for me as a bmom. See, know one will EVER convince me even 19 years later that at 16 years old I was ready to be a mother. I was to turn 17 in two months, and had no business bring a child into this world. I did not even have a job. Yes, everyone makes mistakes especially when they are teenagers!!! Do I wish I would have never gotten myself and my baby into a situation so difficult....sure, but I did, and doing what was best for my baby was the only thing that mattered!!!!! Oh believe me, I wanted to keep her. I went over, and over again in my mind what I could do to make it work. My parents were going through a divorce at the time and the only job I could find would be making minimum wage... which in 1984 was I believe about 3.25 and hour. So therefore I would have had to drop out of school work all day and night leaving my precious daughter to strangers why mommy worked????? It just was not possible!!!! I have grieved for her SO many times, missed her, needed her, wanted her, but I knew she was better off!!! Atleast, I thought so!!! As a 36 year old woman now my children are my life!!!! As I felt at 16 that my bdaughter was my life. Ever decision I made about my future from the date of her birth was in her honor. I wanted to find her one day, when she was ready of course, and let her know that I became the best mother I could be twelve year later. I refused to get married and have children until I found the best man, had a degree, and was financially prepared, and emotionally prepared to STAY HOME and raise my babies!!!!! Do I wish I could have done that with her SURE, but I could not.....I was but a child!!!! It is my hope and prayer that she understands, not misunderstands, the reason I chose adoption for her. Was it easy, NO, but at 16 it was my ONLY choice. Do I wish now that I could Tell other teenagers what a danger there is in engaging in risky behavior SURE, but will they listen.......WHO KNOWS!!!!! I know I will probably Never convince some that what I did was right, but then again I really do not care!!!! It was my only choice at the time.....it was and IS still about HER!!!!! Blessings......

S Pete

[Jackiejdajda]

> what would cause a young woman to give away her child


When I gave my son up in the mid sixties I believed (was told) that I and my son could be redeemed from a life of shame..

Now days when a girl or woman gets pregnant (and is considering adoption) she contacts an agency and the very first thing she is expected to do is to pick the potential aparents..
IMO that starts her on the road to relinquishing her child well before the child is born..

I was shamed she becomes a hero..

I was not allowed to see my son.. The new potential birth mom decides the child is not hers before the birth. Both 'ways of it' are a set up IMO.. A set up to make sure she relinquishes..

Less tax dollars spent on the 'welfare mom'.

Some women sign the relinquishment papers within twenty four hours after the birth.. That is not proper decision making.. IMO
She may still be drugged or she may be suffering from lack of sleep..

Now we have Safe Haven or baby moses laws.. Someone can take the baby from her and give it up at a fire station.. Ain't life grand..

We all have terrible crises in our lives.. We are supposed to learn about responsibility and clear thinking when these terrible life changing experiences happen..

I learned how to keep a secret.. The new birth moms learn how to be a hero.. I think the word that applies here is manipulation..


Jackie

[TimeHealsAll]

I'm trying to accept that you haven't ever known hardship in your life. I feel you must have been very fortunate and lived a storybook life.

Did I run to the "Maternity Home" the place for unwed mother's to have their baby's when I found I was pregnant? Not on your life! My family had a trip planned and I thought that was all. I was under the understanding my PROBLEM would be addressed when we got home! HA, I was tricked and then left on the doorstep so to speak. I was in a strange town, in a strange state and allow no communication with those outside the home. I was "placed" there in June of 1963 and my daughter was born in Jan 1964. I was allowed to go home after I was force to sign the papers.

When I called home asking to please keep my beautiful daughter my mother said, "If you keep her I will kill your father and myself and you will be left to raise her and your brother by yourself!" I gave in, signed the papers and spent the rest of time regreting that I wasn't stronger! (I was 16, from an affluent househood, straight A student with no skills other than going to school!)

The birth father fared no better. He woke up and found he had lost his 'girl', his 'baby' and was kicked out of school because he had got one of the "straight 'A' good girls pregnant! Frankly he hit the "berserk" and acted out his fury at the system. There has never been a time when isn't aware of his "first born".

You need to look at the mores of the society of the time! "GOOD GIRLS" did not have babies out of wed-lock. Pregnant girls did not have a right to education. That has changed! Before you judge make sure you understand what, when things happened.

There wasn't one of the girls in the home that was happy about "giving" her baby up. In my case I had always wanted lots of children and loved the father. It was not my choice! I would rather have had my sister raise her, (several years later she did adopt!) If anything in my experiance would have led me to believe I could raise her myself I would have done so but back then "welfare" type help wasn't available at least I didn't know about it! I wasn't even told there was a time limit and I had time to change my mind!

Most of us in reality had our Babies TAKEN!

[spaypets]

Well, you can be angry that your birthmother "gave you away" or you can be grateful that she didn't abort you.

I'm not a birthmother, but when I was in college, I thought I might be pregnant (I wasn't, fortunately).

Did parenting the child ever cross my mind? Heck no! Parenting the child would have meant dropping out of college, getting a deadend job , shoving the infant in daycare (because I sure wasn't going to marry the guy who would have been the father--I'd already broken up with him).

Now maybe you think I should have been punished for my 15 minutes of stupidity with a guy I was breaking up with, but I didn't. While I'm a parent by choice now, I sure would have felt like I'd been handed a life sentence then. No kid deserves that.

If I'd been pregnant and parented, my kid probaby by now would be out of control, smoking dope, acting out sexually etc., etc. because the statistics show that kids raised in a single parent household are more likely to have those sorts of problems.

You can tell me about all the great kids raised by single mothers, but I'm pretty sure they are enthusiastic mothers. I wouldn't have been at the age of 20. I knew it then and I know it now. Selfish? Sure, but my decision to parent is selfish too.

Of course, by the time the pregnancy test came up negative, I knew what my choice was going to be. I would have chosen abortion. Drastic? Yes, but now 20 years later I wouldn't have the child I found a home for telling me how selfish I was.

[SoulWhisper]

cannego,
I started a very long response to you earlier but got disconnected. I am glad that happened, it was probably some higher power keeping me from responding without thought.

Your words were a very difficult read for a birthmother. I was angry at first but then felt my heart breaking for you because you obviously don't understand the influences the majority of birthmothers fell under.

I know I NEVER wanted to relinquish my child and any vision of being without him was painful. I was coerced, manipulated and bullied emotionally. My child was extorted from me.

He is 25 yrs old now and I finally found him after years of searching. I know where he lives, his name and I have spoken to his adoptive parents but I haven't been able to speak to him personally.

His parents claim he is not ready for contact but I find it hard to believe if he received my letters and the pictures I sent. I believe it is his parents who are not ready or they have given him specific messages over the course of his life that cause him to feel guilty.

In any event, not one day or month or year went by that I didn't think of him, that my soul didn't cry out for my child. And I will continue to hope for reunion.

I feel that I was robbed yes, but I feel my son was robbed also because I did fight for him. The short of the long is,... when I realized the value system that was thrust upon me was a sham, I went to get my baby back. But I then found that the social worker had lied to me. So I went to court and filed an appeal on my own only to have the agency atty. try to get my appeal thrown out.

It didn't go his way but I could not have known at the age of 18 that I was up against something powerful and impossible, that a blonde haired blue eyed baby was not a person, a living, feeling, real human being, to anyone but me.

To the agency, my son was a business transaction and they were fighting to protect their reputation. How would a business fare if adoptions failed? To the adoptive parents my son represented a dream, something they needed and wanted.

And in the end after all their legal stall tactics and evaluations (that I passed) they won... and my son and I lost. We didn't lose the court battle, we just lost each other because the lawyers dragged it out for 2 long years.

At that point, I didn't have the heart to see my son torn in two, so I let go. He was THE most important person in the situation, a precious little boy who had attached to two people he believed were his parents, I could not destroy him by tearing him away from people he loved. They were not letting go and someone had to see into that childs heart.

I guess it takes a mother to do that...


Love

[didda]

cannego,

i am one of those birthmothers who relinquished a subsequent child for adoption. i thought if i told you my situation, as it was at the time, perhaps you could gain a little insight as to the reasons why.

when i was 10 years old, my father died, leaving my mother to raise 4 children alone. she made ends meet on a teacher's salary with a little help from the VA. (my father was a veteran)

when i was 16 years old i became pregnant with my first child, a beautiful baby girl. her father was already married and had a child with his wife, only 10 months age difference between that child and mine. i had already decided to break up with him when i found out i was pregnant. he has never had a very active part in her life, didn't even bother to come see her until she was 5 months old, even though he knew when she was born. my brother had told him.

while i was pregnant and for a long time after my first daughter was born, my mother "advised" me to give my baby up for adoption. i had a cousin in another state who was looking to adopt. being the hard-headed child i was, i insisted on raising my daughter myself. i had already dropped out of school, and the best job i could get was waiting tables at a nearby restaurant, making a whopping $1.10 per hour plus tips, tips averaged about 12-15 dollars per day. because i was a minor child, i could not get government assistance.

my mother didn't stop talking about giving up my first child until she found out i was pregnant with my second. i was 18 years old, still had no education and waiting tables was still the only option for me. the second baby's father . . . . i told him i thought i might be pregnant, he gave me three dollars for a pregnancy test at the health department (there were no home pregnancy tests then). he left the state the next day and i haven't heard from him since. (that was 25 years ago)

my mom "put her foot down" and told me i wasn't bringing another baby home, (as if my child were a kitten or a puppy) and "encouraged" me to make an adoption plan. my cousin had already adopted a baby by this time.

i was 18 and had begun to receive governement aid for my first child, a grand total of $159 a month. (with a second child they would have added $30 more per month) the absolute cheapest places to live at the time rented for about $350 a month. (if you actually got a job, the DSS would cut the money and the medical coverage). by that time minumum wage had gone up to about $2.90 an hour, half that for "tipped employees", or $1.45 per hour. even at $2.90 and hour, a month's wages added up to about $500. by the time you paid rent and childcare, there was nothing left for utilities or the life-sustaining food which all children require.

i did go to DSS for help, thinking i could place my child in foster care until i was able to care for her myself. i was told that my child's safety could not be guaranteed in a foster care home, and that there were repeated instances of neglect and abuse of newborns in foster care. they told me that my child would be better off if given to a permanent home (read that as "given to strangers and never hear from her again").

i went to public housing offices, hoping to be able to get a place in public housing for myself and my 2 children to live. i was told there was a 3 year waiting list, even if i was homeless with an infant and a toddler.

so, my choices were (as i saw things):

(1) to be homeless with an infant and a toddler, for an indeterminate period of time, quite possibly three years.

(2) to remain in my mother's home with my toddler and place my baby with parents who could, at the very least, provide her with food shelter and clothing.


in my opinion, the best thing i could do for both of my children was to prevent them being homeless.

just so you will know, my second child was conceived while using birth control pills. the medical profession had not yet made the connection between the use of antibiotics and the failure of birth control. i will admit that my first child was the result of my irresponsible actions. the second was not, i was acting responsibly and still got pregnant. neither of my girls was a "planned" pregnancy, however both of them were wanted. i wanted my babies, more than anything i wanted my babies.

i believe with all my heart that placing my child for adoption was the right thing to do under the circumstances.

i sincerely hope you never have to face the pain of doing what is best for all your children by letting one go. even parents who raise their children are sometimes faced with this decision.

killing one's own offspring is in poor taste, IMHO. so please forgive me for not aborting my baby.

[dkb60]

In 1977 when I released my child for adoption, I would have been the first to admit it was a selfish decision. I still think it was. It allowed me to continue in high school, go to college and see if the relationship between the bfather and me would actually go anywhere. I still believe it was the right decison for my daughter, too. I could not have been the parent I would have wanted to be at 17 that I was at 27 when my next child was born. I was (still am) in a strong healthy relationship with the bfather. We are very good parents. I do not doubt that had we keep our first child, we would not still be married and would not have made very good parents. It is comforting for me to know that my bdaughter had wonderful parents and everything she ever needed. I know that because I have met her parents.

D.

[Decision]

spaypets-I was raised by a single mother, she raised me and my three brothers. She had her first child at the age of 15, she was a foster child. They tried to take her baby away (1969) but she ran away, was it hard for her? Goodness yes, she married my biological father had three other children before she realized that she had to get out of the abusive relationship she was in, she became an electrician to support all of us properly. The first Woman electrician in Canada I might add. Did any of her children end up drug users/in jail ect No not one. I am certain that my brothers did their share of experimenting, not many children are free from that. But we are all upstanding citizens of Canada who have gone on to marry and create families of our own...without the help of welfare lines. Oh sorry sexually acting out I guess you would say that was me, I had one bf for four years found out I was pregnant and lost him to adoption. Well I guess your statistics are right on me.
While I do not take offense to the first poster I certainly take offense to yours. Statistically speaking???I would love to see what statistics you are looking at.

[Sharon]

I understand and empathize with your anger, and, to a degree, share it. But it is misdirected. Your anger is misdirected and I think you realize this yourself. I'm sure you are as aware as anyone else that the collective wisdom of our society holds adoption to be a positive and beneficial thing, an all-american tradition, wholesome as baseball and apple pie.
Do you honestly think pregnant teenaged girls (or pregnant, poverty-stricken women) stand a chance against a system or a set of values as deeply, culturally ingrained and universally acknowledged and respected as this?
Adoption is an industry. We all know it. No one can deny it. But birthmothers are certainly not the ones who created it, nor do we benefit from it financially or otherwise.
Change what you don't like, rather than make yourself sick over it.
There is a huge movement in this country right now for adoption reform, legislative reform... the only kind that really matters. And this movement needs people like you.
Channel your energy (anger IS an energy) into something positive that can really make a difference.

Regards, ~ Sharon