[Rebekah_Joy]

I am 18 so I am still pretty young in terms of finding that "life partner". I was adopted at 2 months old and I love my adopted family very much. I have noticed that being adopted has effected the way that I deal with boyfriends. I tend to get vrey clingy. I don't want them to leave me. I want them to spend all of their time with me and show me that they care about me through affection. When I am in a relationship, I will do virtually anything to make the other person happy, even if its things that aren't going to make me happy. Then when the relationship ends, I feel like I wasn't good enough. Like no matter what I did I wasn't good enough. I feel rejected, like there is nothing special about me. I was wondering if anyone else has the same feelings, or would like to share how they have overcome this obstacle!

[spaypets]

I smiled when I read your post, because although I'm not adopted, you sound like I was when I was 18 (20 years ago). You're adoptee status might have something to do with your reaction, but lots of young women who live with their birth parents react the same way. Society continues to tell us that we are who we date.

The problem is you're looking for status and identity in your romantic relationships instead of independently. You need to figure out who you are (and at 18, it's not surprising that you don't know -- most of us didn't). What do you value? What do you like? What are you good at? Concentrate on those things and when you're ready choose a boyfriend who shares thosevalues, talents, skills and preferences. You will feel less like you need to be with him all the time and less like your value comes from how much love he gives you.

It's good you're recognizing this tendency in yourself. I was in my 20s before I realized I needed to figure out who I was before I should date again. I didn't have a boyfriend for 2 years and the next guy I dated, I married.

Good luck.

[phder]

Hi - I think your adoptive status plays a big part in that kind of 'need to please' and how you react to the relationship/ending. I could also have written exactly what you wrote, and am still (like 20+yrs later) having to work at not feeling inadequate - and I have a Ph.D., a great job, am invited to lecture all over the world...and a husband that is an absolute sweetheart and accepts me totally, insecurities and all! But still I feel I never get enough affection and it is probably me....and the feeling that my earliest memory is being given away, and my adoptive parents were awesome, but not terribly warm/affectionate. Whoever my family turns out to be (just started searching), I suspect they will be considerably more emotional. Anyway, I STRONGLY recommend Kasey Hamner's book "Whose Child" - it has really helped me to focus on tracking the issues back to the source - not that everything is directly relevant necessarily, but the process she recounts just really hits home and has made it easier for me to understand what's going on inside my head!
Good luck - there is NO rush - experiment, allow yourself to explore your own interests, likes, dislikes - the old saying that if you don't love yourself you can't truly love someone else really is true - give yourself the time to develop an appreciation for who you are! You're already way ahead of the game by writing to the forum and realizing it could be different and trying to better understand things!
take care,
-N.

[janderse]

I have the same problem in my relationships- except I think if you look critically at your life, you may find, as I did, you'll find that you don't just act this way in your romantic relationships. You probably treat your friendships this same way- as in you give a lot of yourself to the other person in the relationship. DO you know why you do this? I have some ideas. If you want to keep in touch, or hear more about my thoughts, shoot me an email at qtpy1982@aol.com.

[sunnie23]

i have the same issues as you, and i'm positive it's from being adopted. i can't ever get enough affection or attention, and i'm constantly looking for reasons why my bf doesn't want to be with me. i can't ever just relax.

i drive myself crazy sometimes.

[Rebekah_Joy]

Thanks for your reply! I will definately e-mail you in the future to hear your views on the subject! Sometimes seeing things through someone elses eyes is the best way of trying to understand them!

[Rebekah_Joy]

Hey! I am glad that I am not alone with my feelings! I've noticed that I want the attention and aftection ALL THE TIME, but then again I try to run away from it because I think that its always going to hurt me! How do you think your handling the situation? Is your boyfriend supportive and understanding? Right now I guess I am not handling the relationships situation very well at all. I have seemed to flee away from anyone that I know cares about me because I seem to think that they will just hurt me or I tell myself that they really don't care about me like they say they do. My e-mail is Injecky21@aol.com if your interested in chatting some more!

[imfree]

I'm just getting home from work, where my fear of abandonment had me tied up in knots today...I can relate all too well with how you feel. I'm a 39 yr. old male and my fear of abandonment has really effected my relationships. I just met someone last weekend and became very attracted to her--I felt she had a very soft spirit. Unfortunatley, she is involved with someone else, but I believe she too felt a connection. The thing is her commitment to this other person has her turning away....and that's where I get hooked. I don't go quite as far as I used to ("I'm not good enought..."), but the feelings and crazy thinking is still there.

I read a post on this thread about needing to establish independence and I agree fully. I think that is something I've worked on and will continue to work on...I also believe that I can talk about this and it helps a lot to see that others share my experience, but I need to look for solutions. I've shared my story with others, but sometimes it seems that the old feelings just won't go away. What is anyone else doing out there to move forward and put things behind? Feel free to e-mail me!

[gerryfogg]

Dear Rebekah ... and to you all .... I just joined. My name is Gerry, I'm 39 ....... and I am finally trying to understand *it* ... for I have just lost one of the most phenominal friends I've ever had ... a great guy ... due to *it*. I allowed myself to develop a friendship with someone I respected and admired. We became friends ... we both trusted one another .... and what follows trust ? Attachment follows trust. This is healthy. This is normal. We went out for a beer or two after work just about every other week, he invited to go fishing, invited me to go apple picking with he & his wife. I wanted to say yes, would love to, but the words "I'll see" came out of my mouth. WHY !?? There *it* is again..... that mental knee jerk reaction. What, am I controlled by someone from outer space .. I have a chip in my head or something ?? WHAT MADE ME SAY THAT !!!?? Anyway, after one more invite I accepted. I accepted because *consciously* I questioned myself and I came to the conclusion, consciously, that I had nothing to fear. Ahhhhhhhhh ! There it is ! Fear ! Fear of even allowing myself to enjoy the *raising of the bar*, so to speak, of this friendship. This was not going out for a beer or two ... this was meeting his wife ... and spending a day with the both of them. This could lead to "getting close". And because like the other gal that responded to your post who writes of her fear of getting close to anyone, that it will *hurt* ...... I hear yah. This sucks guys. I hope that is ok to say. There is no joy in life. I went apple picking and I had a really nice day in the fall weather here in the northeast. I was out living life, my life seemed normal .... Jesus ... how could I not actually come to love this person, ya know ? I mean, someone I trusted .. and beacuse I did I began to have what I see on television all the time ...a rewarding relationship with someone, interaction, ... and what amazes me, today, is how I have let this *thing* dictate how I live. I am for the most part just as alone today as I was back when I was five ... only today it hurts even more because I'm getting older and I'm running out of time TO LIVE LIFE !! ... and - I'm lonely. I want friendship. I should be able to handle friendship, ya know ? I was invited down for Christmas, for New years. I HAD A FRIEND ! and this friend added a great deal to the quaility of life I live. I did not cling. I was not fearful. It was easy. It was rewarding. Based on a mutual respect for one another, trust, and after time some healthy attachment formed, and then followed a sincere concern of and for the other ..... Noble. One really noble friendship. The friendship I had with this character in many ways, as an adult, took the place for the one I do not have with my Father. I appreciated it. Too much so ... because I don't really have any other friends. Now, just like the other poster posted, sorry I forget your name and I cannot see the post right now .... well what I am saying is that being clingy can occur even with friendships. This character moved to a different dept and our friendship was solid but I was told by their new supervisor that "this bond has to be broken" during the first week ... and the next I was told "you have to stop bothering xxxx". Shoot, all I did was go over to say good morning. Anyway, I felt incredibly alone ... and this feeling of lonliness triggered my fear of abandonment. I did not know that I had Fear of Abandonment ... but after two weeks *it* got me ... and when it did *it* got me good. Here I am, 38 years old ... an adult .... and I call my buddy up "xxxxx, I need to know that you are there for me" ... "if I die tomorrow, would you come to my funeral" ... because I felt as though I were dieing .. .. everything and everyone started to slip away. I could not breath ... I wanted to rip my brain right out of my head. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME !!! WHY Dear God, Why does this happen ?! I cannot live like this ... I cannot go through it again. Please .. not again. Please ... someone help me .... please. "Down to my last friend and six feet from the edge .. and if I asked him to hold me what would he say ?" Creed. Well I did not want to be held. During this episode I just wanted to know that I was not going to be forgotten about. Sounds pathetic, doesn't it ? But I had to reach out. I had to ... because this time *it* got me good. It was dragging me down to a place where there is no life ... and there are no others. There is only isolation, annihaltion, desolation. A A place where ones soul just ...... just withers away. Dies.
It got me good that night because I had not given it anything to feed upon in years. I mean, when was the last time I enjoyed Christmas ? had anyone to enjoy going and buying a gift for ? I loved this character for who he is. But I also loved him for being my friend, for allowing me to have some comraderie in life. Some comraderie not with a user, an abuser, a jerk ... but with the type of person he is. Cool. A totally cool, easy going, non-judgemental fella. Good hearted, loyal, trustworthy. So I call my pal .."xxxx, I need to know that you are there for me". KNow what he says ? Adimently .. "I am. I AM here for you".

And my fall stopped. The pain and anquish ..... THE FEAR of nothingness, totally emptiness, of going backwards ..... it all stopped. I could breath. *It* seemed to go away.

But this Fear Of Abandonement thing .... it is always kind of active .... it just lays low in our subconscious .... for if it did not then I would not have said "I'll see" when I had wanted to say "ya, would love to".

Anyway, the perfectly good and rewarding friendship I had with this brother of brothers ... I ruined it. The healthy attachment that had formed between the both of us ... I ruined it. I ruined it because I developed an anxious attachment ... became clingy, needy, a worrywort about the friendship. I knew it ... I consciously KNEW that my behavior was inappropriate and that I was going to cause this person to eventually say "Get the hell away from me". Well, he did not say this ever ... but did something just as humiliating. See, this abandoment thing ... once it gets entirely activated it stays active .... and I needed re-assurance too many times. My buddy, I became dilusional because four months after his move I started to see him as though he were the tallest and biggest fella around, that he could do anything.

Now, as a guy, what other males in a males life do we see like this ? Our Fathers. When we are young. Why not .... I mean if he could keep *it* from getting me ..... and when *it* did come after me I always felt just as I did as kid .....

It blows my mind. Complete distorted reality. Complete confusion ! ! ! !

I was never more unhappier in my life !! I began to not be able to talk with my pal. I kept thinking he was talking behind my back. I kept feeling like he was betraying me by leaving me sit there alone when he would go off to lunch with his *new & better* friends. He tried so hard though. He tried so **** hard to deal with me, to be a friend to me. He tried to bring me into the new group he was in .. so that I did not get left out. Ahhhhhhh but then I have never been good in groups I don't really belong with. I DID NOT BELONG ... I was a visitor ... an outsider. No one other than my pal really wanted me there.

Nothing made sense to me anymore. I was not who I had been,
.... everything was out of whack. My moods would swing like a pendulem of a clock. I was not me ... and no one was who I thought they were.

Total and utter mass confusion. I started counseling four months after my friends move .... but by two months later he gave up. He told me that he hoped I could find inner peace. And don't ya know that on the day he made it clear that there was no chance anylonger for our being friends I found a most awesome book "How the Mind Can Heal The Heart" .... and it explains everything. EVERYTHING !! And if you thought you were alone and uniquely messed up such as I thought I was ... WHAT A JOY TO READ THIS BOOK AND KNOW that my head had worked just like many other heads do .... those that have been abandoned.


To the point here, I'll get off of me, your clinging behavior .. watch out for it ... it is unhealthy .... very very VERY unhealthy. It is definitely behavior that is born out of Fear of Abandonment. If you are clingy now, your Fear of Abandonment Maladaptive Behavioral Schema has been activated and is distorting your reality kiddo. Your attachment to this guy, or to a friend, is probably a very healthy one but you are going to ruin it .... because you are allowing it to become "an anxious attachement" .... distorted .... not genuine ... and as such you are not even really enjoying it. Are you ? It is causing you anxiety ... and fear .... and the better this person is with you, the more you allow yourself to think that this person can save you .. can protect you from this beast .... and the more anxious and fearful you will become. you will become a dependant ... and that is not a healthy relationship for anyone involved. You have to learn to *trust* in the connections you make in life .... you have to realize that your subconscious is ruling you when you feel anxious or fearfull ... or clingy. Funny thing about anxious attachments .... they will cause you to become suspicious ... which is another way of saying you are not trusting. IT IS INSANE !! It is so because on the one hand to truly derive all the pleasure you could from this relationship YOU HAVE TO TRUST .... but you ARE NOT ! You may think you do .... but you don't ..... because if you did ... you would not cling .... and you don't because you are letting your subconscious rule you. DON'T ! Give it up !! Live in the moment and RELAX !! Enjoy it !! Be FREE !! Try this. Try just being relaxed and see how much better it all feels. Now, if this person is someone you simply don't trust because they cannot be ... fine ... cut the ties. Remember, no one wants to be clung to. It weighs them down ... and your clinging will possibly drive them away.

Six months after my buddies move we went to see Trey Anastasio ... and it was there that night that when I looked to my right and saw my friend there, standing beside me (Jesus I want to cry) ... it hit me ... it was as if God spoke to me and said "Gerry, relax ... relax .... I have given you the best ... trust in me ... xxxx is your friend .... *just* a friend ... and he does care about you .. and he does like you .... and he is not going to ditch you". Well, I must have looked to my right about 10 times that night and the more I did ... the more free I felt. Everything started to come into focus again. Todd was my friend. Not my Father .... and alllllllllllllllllllllllllll that distortion just disappeared. He stood no taller than me.

But the damage was already too done ... and I engaged in damage control stupidly. No more distortion .... just stupidity.

Today, today I know how to manage my sometimes out of place *emotions* .... I pay very close attention to what I think. Today I can stand on my own and fight this thing on my own when it comes sneaking around .............. a lot of good things happened for me during those six months of hell .... I relived and was able to release so much buried pain .... and I had the most awesome friend who in effect allowed me to bring it alllllllllllll out and he weatherd it .... right up to the point where I was able to finally start understanding it all and managing it all ... and always will be as a result.

This friendship has changed my life .......but I don't think he will ever know how ... or why today I appreciate him more than I did before I got ill. See, if he had ditched me two months after I started losing it ... that action would have only validated my very skewed way of thinking ... and that is that no one can be trusted. Don't trust anyone ... they'll just ditch ya. Be nice to people, tip toe across the water but don't ever go for a swim. Don't ever . ... ?? .... don't ever get close to anyone. Had things gone this way I would not have established any new friendships. I would have picked up a part time job such as I did fifteen years ago and would do nothing but work .. stay busy ... watch t.v.

.......... and that is not living.

Let go of the fear. Know it for what it is. Let go of the mistrust. Enjoy your relationships .. don't become dependant upon them. APPRECIATE THEM !

[Resseda]

I'm not adopted, but you do sounds a lot like me at 18, and like a lot of other girls I knew at that age. None of us were adopted (well, wait, no, one was)...I think it has a lot to do with newness of relationships (versus long term or been together for awhile or been dating for awhile). I suppose being adopted *could* factor in, don't get me wrong, but make sure, if you're looking for answers, you look a whole lot farther than that. Ever have a childhood friend cruelly 'dump' you? Ever have a close relative or friend pass away? Ever been the unpopular outsider? All those things could contribute to a clinginess too.

No one (well, mostly no one) wants to be alone. Everyone wants someone to love them and help them and care about them, someone to share their day with, talk with, all that, whether it's friends or lovers or spouses or whatever. Some people are more in tuned to wanting that, and they cling to it more, that's all.

[pjinokeechobee]

I believe that your being adopted could have a small roll in your feelings but I think alot of them are issues we all deal with at that age everyone has insecurity issues no matter the age. That is part of human emotions. I remember at that age having the same issues clingy wanting needy insecure with myself and all my relationships. Parents friend and boyfriends I have a 15 year old starting all of those feelings boy are they tuff. I try to give her confidence and the security she needs sometimes it is not enough. I tell her you need to dig way down in side and find your issues. My first question to her is do you Love yourself? That is the first step in working anything out inside you you must love yourself then respect yourself and the other issues will be easier to work on. This is just my opionion it worked for me hope it'll help you.

[tnywndy]

When I read your original post, it was like reading something I wrote myself. I am so glad to hear that other people feel this way too....I was beginning to think that it was just my excuse.
Now, here's the big question. How do you explain that to someone? You'd think that they'd try to understand, but if they're not adopted, they can't understand. And I think that many times it's hard for them to remember that's why you act certain ways, and just "accept" you for it....not get angry or whatever.
If anybody has any advice, I could really use it. I just recently figured out that this is my reasoning for being so clingy when I really started trying to find my birthmother, so I'm not really sure how to handle it yet.
Thanks!
Wendy

[scout650]

I think gerry fogg has an excellent point. I was adopted as a baby and I have great parents and a great family that always treated me as just another part of the family, but no matter what kind of relationship I've been involved in, I always feel like an outsider. Even in my group of friends, I feel like an outsider. I agree that this is something that everyone goes through. I wonder if it still has something to do with parental issues. Like an absent father or disconnected mother. I think perhaps adoptees have a hypersensitivity. Although, i've met adoptees who don't seem to be affected at all. The outsider complex is a definite issue.
I have dealt with this issue by telling myself that if this person invites me to do something without any obligation, they must like me. It never hurts to push at first. Once a relationship meets a certain point, I have to go on faith. Normally I tell the other person to tell me to go away if I am bothering them. that is one of my greatest fears, to bother people and have them think that I am annoying. This has been an issue for a long time, but I'm dealing with it. I just found that I need to take a leap of faith. I just found this forum yesterday and it has already really helped me. I would like to start looking for my birth parents, but I don't even have a name to start with. And it is really overwhelming. I appreciate you all contributing.

[HappyMomAnna]

Rebekah_Joy,

I think you have made a very mature and important decision to learn more about yourself and how your adoption affects your life. That alone tells me you are honest with yourself and want to consider your feelings, responses and decisions. It is often said Adoption is a lifelong journy and knowing the path you will walk means you have a better chance of being more then okay in your future. I am actually proud of you for asking this question and hope you will give the same effort to the future questions you may ask yourself in the years ahead......

I was 18 when I married a 19 year old adopted boy. He too loved his adoptive family. And he was clingy-controlling and had many adoption issues he refused to ever face. Life was hard for him and for us and sadly we divorce after 14 years, and two children. I firmly believe many of our problems were due to his adoption issues. Especially his attitude toward women. He went on to move in with another woman 6-weeks after we seperated and married her three days after our divorce was final. He needs a woman in his life to feel complete with himself.... and it is sad because his life with her has been no better then the life we had.
He was simply never able to face his issues and that may not be how your life goes....clearly by your post you do not want the unidentified feelings to destroy your life and your relationships.

Your are going to came to other points as you age where you question your reactions and wonder how they connect to your adoption issues. You may have children, you may become sick with a genetic issue, you may just wonder.... but you will face this and I believe you will work your feelings out. Everyone is different and each adoption story is different. You may choose to be a wounded adoptee or you may choose to cherish your story. Ultimately you are in control of you. If you feel you do, or say, or act a certain way due to adoption--then you have the power to know yourself and work past this issue.

Aside from being adopted I do also want you to know that there are a lot of us girls who are needy and clngy and all that other stuff who were not adopted! What you express is not only the behaviors of an adoptee but, common and dont' get mad--but, young people are like this a lot. Some of what you are feeling is part of growing up in general..... so it is up to you to figure out what is just being young and learning how to interact with men and what is really related to adoption.
I think the one thing any person needs to be careful of is making life decision because you feel you won't get another chance....
You are doing very well and keep double checking yourself--it is a sign of intellegence and wisedom.....

[gorj]

"You may choose to be a wounded adoptee or you may choose to cherish your story. Ultimately you are in control of you. "

"and had many adoption issues he refused to ever face"

"I firmly believe many of our problems were due to his adoption issues"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have to reply to the above ......only because i have heard the samethings...can I ask exactly how we" face our issues"???? seeeing as it is obviously our choice to wallow in this adoption "issues"!!!!


A big sheer for rebekah_joy for realising her relationship problems, unfortunatly we have to learn to deal and work with them, as yet I beleive there is no cure for adoption!!!

I too hold people close - and test my boundaries iver and over again, lluckily I have a husband who is very understanding!!! and says he is NOT going to abandon me, however hard I pushhim....
this goes for friends too, unfortunatly they are not quite so understanding !!!
Just be aware of what you are doing, these things happen unconsciouslly so take time to think why am i behaving this way?...accept it, and learn from it...dont try to "face your issues"...because or so called issues are us, what makes us US and what makes us work.

HappyMomAnna ....How are we going to face an issue we had no control over ?


gorj