[red44]

We are adopting a cousin's two young children, both under the age of 2 yrs. We will be giving them our last name. Has anyone also changed the first and/or middle names of a child this young? Would like to hear good and bad experiences in making this decision. Thank you.

[sweetnoodle]

What is your motivation for changing their names?

I am an adoptee. Later, when they ask you about their adoption experience, and if they find out they are actually related to you, you will be asked this question by them.

They are receiving your last name, not sure why that isn't enough . . . no offense . . .

[Sharon]

I agree with Sweetnoodle. If it's REALLY important to you, maybe you could change their middle names... most young children don't know their middle names anyway. But they certainly know their first names, and it seems to me that adjusting to a new family would be difficult enough without also losing your real name.
No offense, just my opinion.
Sharon

[Cleopatrick]

The only circumstance I think it's appropriate to change a first name is if there is danger involved. Such as, I know a lady who adopted through the foster care system, the birth father was highly violent and a very scary man, the child had a very unique name. They changed his name in order to keep him safe. Generally I think it's a bad idea since so much of who we are is wrapped up in our names, even when we are very little. We adopted an 8 year old and a two year old and only changed the two year old's middle name. The reason was length, (with her new last name, each name had a minimum of 8 letters) but I don't know that we made the right decision. As she is severelly multiply impaired it's doubtful she'll ever realize we did, but I'm still not sure it was the right thing to do.

[Jensboys]

We did some minor changes to first names (eg Greg to Gregory to give him more options as an adult) but I think the middle name thing can be very claiming. Our boys were 4 and 3 when they came to us. When 4 yr old found out that Daddy and his new brother had the same middle name ... he DEMANDED it too. So we added it legally to his name along with his bio sib then when we had another bio baby, we also put that middle name in. All four boys find it sooooo cool that they share a middle name. It wasnt us ... it was them but it has been a very good thing. I dont think there is any problem changing first names with kids that small if you do it as a long term process ... especially with very unique/strange/wierd names. With our kids ... we have all their original documentation so they will never not know what their birth names were, but will also know the reasons why we changed their names ... and their influence over that.

[lizzy0921]

My twin sons (pre-adoptive still) have legal middle names they both dislike (I believe they dislike them due to happenings in their Bio-family). Anyways, as we were filling out all the needed adoption paperwork, we came across the new birth certificate form. Naturally they will take on our last name. We gave them the option of keeping their current middle and last names as their new "middle name". They both decided on their own to drop their middle and last names and take on my husbands first and middle names instead. So one will have my husbands first name as his middle name and the other will have my husbands middle name as his middle name. The boys are very excited to be "part" of Dad. I think its a good decision to leave it up to the kids. It makes them part of the decision making that totally involves their lives. My boys also wanted to change their first names, however we insisted because of their ages (10) that they keep their birth names since people knew them that way and it would be too difficult to change and get used to a new name. We also noted that their birth names were also immediate "family" names, so this made our decision more exciting for them.

Good luck!

[Sandyy]

My daughter is from China. It is common in the asian community to have both an english name and the asian name. I changed her name at 20 months old, but she knows her chinese name and we can legally change it back if she ever wants to. One of the families in our travel group uses the chinese name for thier daughter because she insisted. Every family and situation is different and you have to do what you think is best for your children.

[cj416]

What if the child has an awful name. I mean have you seen some of the names these children have? They would get made fun of their entire lives. It's like their mothers just named them the first thing the thought of. Like rainbow, areola,sister,cloud, karma, karisma, moonshadow these actual names I have seen on phot listings.
So, what about them? I have always said if I got a child with a name like that I would put it as a middle name. If they are old enough I would let them be part of picking a name.

[spaypets]

We adopted our daughter at 18 months from India. We changed her name to a name that held much family symbolism to us. The transition was easy. We'd asked the orphanage to use her new name. I don't know that they did but she seemed to adapt to her new name almost instantly. My husband thought she looked upset when we called her by her Indian name.

Unlike a lot of people, we didn't include her Indian name as a middle name. We will always tell her what the name was, it will be part of her Lifebook and part of the story we tell. She also has a Hebrew name, and we have pet names for her too so she has a lot of names that aren't "legal" names. I look at her Indian name in a similar light.

Someone did a study and found out that children with easily pronounced names had more friends. Also, people remember more familiar names than they do unusual ones.

For us it was an easier switch than we thought. She responded to her name within I'd say about 48 hours. I don't think she saw it as a loss, but I can see that some children might.

[glk]

We just changed the middle names of our two new boys; the younger one is less than two and had a middle name that was a problem name in our family (relatives with legal problems had the same name) so we decided to change it to DH's middle name. The older boy (age 8) decided on his own to change his middle name to DH's middle name, too.

I've never considered changing the first name of any of our children, all of whom were adopted from foster care. Fortunately, they've all had common names and bioparents who weren't a threat to us or the children.

[Bunches Blessed]

I think that this as well as many other things depend on the situation that you are in with the certain child. We have four adopted children and are matched now with what will be our last child. We chosen to keep the three boys' names the way that they were, as they were family names in both families......but our daughter was not named after anyone so we gave her a middle name that was in both families as well as part of the adoption judge's name. We gave her a name that we had always planned to use..... but we did talk to her bfamily first. The new baby we will be naming.. whether or not the bmom choses a name.......we feel that it is our right as the parents to chose a name that is special to us.... although this child will also be told the name he/she was given at birth....... each family deserves to do what they feel necessary to become the family they want to be..... no matter the opinions of others..... no offense........

[lisa93]

my daughters name has remained the same (her forename that is) and the adoptive parents gave her her middle name which also happens to be my mothers name. Her surname has of course been changed. As a birth mother i would find it quite offensive if my daughters forename was changed. That is who she is and that is how i know her. Her name is also the person that was talked about during all the adoption proceedings. My daughter is Elise. The baby girl that the adoptive parents read about was elise. The girl they fell in love with and took into their home was Elise. I believe that first names should stay.

My opinion, just incase anybody thinks i'm being nasty!!

[redsparrow]

They will be your children; they should bear your name(s) -- whatever names you choose. If they were older, I would include them in the selections but with their ages, I think you should be fine in changing them.

You're not "borrowing" these children -- you are adopting them, and raising/loving/nurturing them as your own children. Their names should be representative of that.

Red

[Sharon]

I agree with Cleo; it seems almost as if some people equate naming a child with "claiming" that child... and in my opinion this is not a valid reason to subject a child above pre-verbal age to the possible emotional trauma of a name-change. Changing the child's name will not make him or her more "yours". Only time, love, and shared experience can do that.
"each family deserves to do what they feel necessary to become the family they want to be..... no matter the opinions of others..... no offense" ~ BunchesBlessed
While I certainly take no offense at this statement, I believe that a family who feels it is necessary to change a child's name in order to "become the family they want to be" is on the wrong track. Their energy would be better invested in becoming the family that their child needs, rather than attempting to alter the child to make him or her (superficially) fit in better with the family, such as it is.
I mean no offense, and this is just my opinion. I certainly think that adoptive parents should name children who are adopted at birth. I do not think that adoptive parents should, under any circumstances, change the names of older children. Even as a "safety precaution" it doesn't seem worth the potential risk to the child's emotional well-being. I don't really see how a first-name change could effectively hide a child from birthparents determined to find him or her. If the birthparents were truly considered a danger, I would pursue legal protection, restraining orders, etc, rather than relying on a first-name-change to keep my child hidden and protected.
JMO, ~ Sharon

[Jensboys]

Sharon ... actually all those things are very easy to change in an adoption - and most happen automatically. Even a SSN can easily be changed with a copy of an adoption order and new birth certificate and a request.

As far as name changes, many children who have been sexually abused DO strongly DESIRE a first name change -- and in many cases, when the child desires it, it is recommended by counsellors and social workers. It is a tangible way for a child to lay aside the "old abused me" and take on a new me, a safe me. Kids are very literal ... and for some reason a new name CAN make it easier for them to move past abuse. For example, a 8 year old can then say ... well, when I was Katie, my mommy then touched me like she shouldnt, but now that I am Sara I know that wont happen anymore and I can stop anyone who tries. Silly to us adults ... but SOMETIMES essential to a childs healing.

Lastly, I think that instead of only looking at a name change as a loss to a child ... it can also be looked at as a gain. For my boys, their new last name and family middle names meant something very significant in their lives. It meant no more moving around, it meant a forever family, it meant having the same brothers and sisters from year to year and mostly it meant LOVE. Maybe a new name isnt a subtraction from who they are, but an addition to who they are becoming.

Unless you have adopted older children you cant understand the importance to the child and the parent of claiming behaviors ... sometimes that means name changes, sometimes that means family portraits or vacations, sometimes it means the development of family rituals. But to both child and parent those seemingly little things help to strengthen the bond that is threatened to be destroyed by the ghosts of the past ... whether that is RAD, PTSD, ADD, ODD or simply abuse and loss.