[queenie]

I need help in addressing a family member who seems to make insensitive jokes about adoption. Do we talk to him about it, leave the subject alone. or just drop hints that we are uncomfortable about it.
Thank you
Queenie

[sal]

I think that the best approach.....albeit not the easiest one is to just be clear and upfront that the comments are making you uncomfortable....and why...some people don't realize that they are being insensitive until you point it out. You'd be doing them a favor....sal

[Sarah0518]

Would it work for you to treat these as remarks, vs bad jokes?

By that I mean as a joke you are expected to laugh, ha ha, or shrug it off. As a remark, you can correct them. "Well , that's really not correct, actually...." Set about educating them enough times and they may decide to keep their mouth shut.

[Suzy]

I agree with both Sal and Sarah. Sometimes people can be uncomfortable with adoption when they do not understand it and it can lead to remarks that can seem very insensitive and hurtful. Ignoring it will only cause you to simmer over it. Educating people, especially family, is the best way to handle it. Adoption Learning Partners has a very good 5 -10 minute online "course" about obvious (transracial) adoption that includes examples of comments and various approaches to responding, many of which are applicable to just about any adoption situation, not just transracial. Their website is www.adoptionlearningpartners.org

Something that I have come to realize as an adoptive parent, particularly as one who adopted from foster care, is that people can have a tendency to think that their opinions somehow should carry as much or more weight than our personal, vested interest in our own lives and the lives of our children. Sometimes even our attempts to educate people though can be taken wrong, so don't allow it to upset you if others are offended.

Blessings,
Suzy

[qs mom]

I think it best to mention something, especially if this is a person who will spend time around your child. It may be insensative to us, but hurtful to a child.

[tobeafamily]

Send them a copy of Adoption is a Family Affair: What Friends and Family Must Know About Adoption by Patricia Irwin Johnston. Great place for them to get educated and get their questions answered.

HTH

Regina AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas 4/24/02

[bnsheerose]

Hi, I think that I would have to agree with Sal. If it were me that someone was being that way to, I guess I would be apt to pull them aside and just explain how it offends me and to please stop. If that doesn't work, then you have a choice of just how much that person needs to be around you and your child. After all, if they keep doing it, then they have absolutely no respect for you and why would you want someone like that around? It's also very possible that the person is just a bit ignorant about the uncomfortable situation they are creating and they don't mean any real harm and hopefully they are receptive to an adoption etiquette lesson. I think that no matter what you decide to do, remember to handle it with grace, firmness and tactfulness. God Bless!

Cat W.

[queenie]

thank you all for the great advice