[dpen]

Hello

I have something that has been mulling about in this ole brain for a while. I have been on these forums now since January. I have learned so much. I admit when I came on, I really didn't have that much knowledge of the bmoms emotions in this situation. I did buy into the fact that "you moved on" and didn't really think alot about your children. How very wrong was I. I have come to understand the terrible longing and pain you do have. I am sorry it was something that needed to be"taught" and not something I didn't realize.

But, getting back to my question, since I have come on there are times I have had to defend myself as an adoptee. I have felt that way in regards to some bmoms and others. We have been told we are callous if we don't show enough love to bfamily, or if we express ourselves in a certian way someone takes it as an insult to another group. There may be a discussion, beating the words to death. Every comment seems to be taken as a slight to someone....I am just trying to get my feelings across...I am not trying to be deceptive,I am trying to voice honest opinions. Why does that need to be demeaned

Here is the question..finally...What are the expectations from everyone, including bmoms,amoms, and everyone else who may be involved of the adoptee in a reunion? We all have ideas about what shoud happen. Do you feel we are lacking if we don't react up to you expectations? Do you feel we need to make everyone feel better or are we allowed to be true to ourselves.

I don't mean this as a slam to anyone, I really want to know. I have asked the question before ...what do you want of us and how as an adoptee can I help with everyones pain and still deal with my own questions and concerns?

[kimmy30]

Everyones feelings are different. I think what everyone should keep in mind is not to have expectations when going into a renion. And be knod and considerete of everyones feelings, but that doesnt mean not be true to yourself.

[bajohnson]

Donna,
I've been here since January too, and every time I think I have something figured out, the world turns upside down. Through a few good friends here, I have done some soul searching and this is what I expect from my future reunion with my birth parents:
I expect to see "where" I came from.
I expect to meet and speak to them.
I expect honesty and will give it in return.
I don't expect a relationship.
I would welcome a friendship, if that is in their desires.
I would expect to finally have some peace in my heart about the where's and whys, and continue on this journey.
Maybe I'm delusional, but right now, that's where I'm at.
Tomorrow I'll be a little further down that road.
Beth

[dpen]

Beth, I came on to these forums thinking I had things all figured out.....Boy was I wrong. I understand,totally you expectations. What I am wondering is what are birthparents expectations in a reunion? What are aparents expectations in a reunion....Do those expectations include the adoptees feelings,....What is the expectation of the adoptee from the outlook of barents and aparents?

Donna

[Dragonfly82]

I am sitting here with the paperwork to 'hire' a CI . . . what's stopping me?

Worried that I'll put my son in an uncomfortable position with his family (Mom, Dad and Siblings)
. . . I would rather not use a CI, but don't have much of a choice now, if I'd like to contact him.

All his life I had thought, 'I hope he finds me' . . . until through unexpected chance I was 'led'
to the internet, these forums and many books that made me aware of what he might be up against as
far as 'the need for answers' and possibly feeling 'disloyal' to his Mom and Dad if he searched.

I have been overwelmed (to say the least) as the feelings I've buried for sooooooooo long have
been 'unleashed' in me and am 'unable' to 'put a cork' back on my bottle of feelings!

I just want him to be happy . . . I need to know if he is okay . . . I NEVER wanted him to have
ANY questions . . . I myself never realized (probably because I've been NUMB since leaving the
hospital that day so many years ago) the effects of adoption on 'adoptees' (naive?). I always
trusted that God was watching over him, that everything was 'as it should be'. I never realized
until now (maybe I wasn't supposed to 'realize' as I don't know how I would have survived knowing
of any POSSIBLE 'doubts', 'pain' or 'voids' in his heart . . .) . . . it is overwelming to me now!!!

I do not want to 'intrude' or 'upset' him in any way . . . what if he doesn't have a 'need for answers'??

I know he (naturally) loves his Mom and Dad . . . I understand the love and security of 'familiy'.
I just feel like 'he had no choice' in MY decision for 'us' . . . why should HE have to seek me out for
any answers?? I just don't want him to have any questions and to know that he was wanted, loved and never
forgotten.

I do want a 'relationship' of some kind with him (on his terms, at his own pace, his boundaries, etc. of course)
I would like to be able to speak with his Mom and assure her that I have no intention of trying to
'become another Mother figure', that I respect her, etc., etc., etc. Then I think, what if my son
doesn't WANT me to talk to his parents (first?) . . . I'm sooooooooo frozen with fears . . . so afraid
to make the wrong move, say the wrong thing, etc.

What do I expect from him??
I wouldn't 'expect' him to be anything but loyal to his Mom and Dad . . . without hurting me in his words or
actions. (Does that make sense?)

What do I wish for (not expect)? That he is open to asking me ANYTHING. Maybe willing to give me a current
picture. That he would want 'some sort of' relationship with me.

I JUST WANT TO TELL HIM I'M AVAILABLE IF HE HAS ANY QUESTIONS . . .
what if 'just popping into his life' screws him up??????

Oh God . . . what do I do????????

Sorry . . . I babbled . . . hope it made SOME sense . . . you wanted to know what (some) birthmoms are 'expecting'
. . . well I for one am frozen with fear!!

[dpen]

Dragon fly, I think we are all alittle niave coming on to these boards. Like I said on my previous post, I had no idea of the extreme pain bmoms go through. I really hope for good things and you have a reunion with your son soon! How far along are you in the search? Donna

[Sharon]

D-pen, my expectation (or hope) would just be that my son had a happy life, because if he didn't, then what's the point? What was all this for? But if he didn't have a good life or a good relationship with his a-parents, I hope he would feel comfortable enough to be honest with me about that, as well. That's about all I have a right to expect or hope for. Also, I hope that if he's angry with me for placing him we can talk about that, but I hope he won't be too mean to me... I'm a pretty tough person, but on this one issue I've had about all the emotional trauma I can stand. If he was angry at me, I could deal with it, but if he was hateful toward me, or just cold and indifferent, I don't know how I'd stand it. _Sharon

[sspete]

My post tonight was in a way similar to yours. I was asking the question why are some turned away in reunion situations since this is what I have been experiencing with my bdaughter. I really did not expect much only communication to learn all about her and possibly a meeting--how very great that would be!! I truly cannot imagine hugging her the first time after all these years. Never did I intend to replace her parents are for her to just be dying to meet me--I only wanted to be able to answer any questions she had, and at least see her ONCE. She will probably come around in her time--I hope anyway, but in the meantime there are no expectations. This reunion has always been about her and not me. I hope this helps some. My questions was why would adoptees or bparents for that matter Not want to communicate with their bfamilies??? We are all trying to figure it out aren't we??? Blessings my friend--You hang in there, and just maybe we will get it figured out!! S Pete

[Dragonfly82]

Thanks for asking . . . it's only been since his 21st birthday in early March . . . but I've been through enough emotional trauma (with the search ~ courts, agencies, state offices, forums, etc.) for this last two months to last for a long, long time . . . let alone what was already bottled-up

I need to catch my breath, gather my thoughts, my heart . . . and then decide on this final step (in search) of hiring a CI to find him . . . not sure of WHAT I should do . . . I wish I could ask HIM (my son) what he wants me to do

P.S. To Donna, Beth, Sharon and S Pete ~ Just want to tell you guys . . . been keeping up with most of the 'New Posts' every day for a couple months now and have a great respect for all of you in other threads. Thanks . . . for all the compassionate, caring 'voices' (perspectives) you've given me to learn from.

Take Care!

[mom2alex]

I have zero expectations regarding my daughter and her birthparents, the ball will be in her court. I will do everything I can to support whatever she decides. I will accept if she doesn't want to search, and eagerly assist her should she choose to search. If she is fortunate enough to locate and reunite with her birthparents I will gladly stepback and let her take the lead on what SHE expects from ME.

We must all be reminded that adoption is really about the needs of the adoptee!

~A Proud Adoptive Mom

[belueiris]

Hiya
As a birthmother let me say I have absolutely no expectations if or when I get to meet the daughter I gave up for adoption. She does not "owe" me anything, she is not "obligated" to me in anyway. She is in no way "indebted" to me. I will respect whatever her wishes are in regards to contact with me and answer any questions she may have openly and honestly, because I feel I OWE her that. She is ENTITLED to know where she came from and medical history, if that is her desire. She deserves no less from me. I would hope at best to be her friend, but that will be her choice, she had no choice in the fact she was given up for adoption but she has choices in regards to contact with me, and I will honor and respect whatever those choices are, if given the opportunity. It is the very least I can do for her.
Your Friend
Tammie

[CrystalAngel]

the best way to approach reunion is with a completely open mind as to the possibilities -- with no preconceived notions of "what it will be like" or even 'what i want from it." Because what you want may change dramatically with just one phonecall, or just one f2f time together.

there are endless possibilites of what could happen. i've been reunited wtih my son for 4 years now - he calls me Mom and lives with me - but i know other reunions in which the parties don't even talk to each other, and others where they are just friends.

- your search may end with a grave
- your search may end with finding a family of 5 full siblings to you and your natural parent married to each other.
- your search may end with you finding your mother wanted to keep you but was forced to surrender you.
- your search may end with her saying she didn't want you then and doesn't now. (very rarely have i ever heard this!).
- your search may end with rejection.
- your search may end with being embraced as family.
- your search may end with finding your child was abused, on the streets, or has never had parental love.
- your search may end with you finding that they had a warm loving family and a great childhood.

there are any number of possibilities. as a "search angel", i've seen them all.

but one thing i do know is that in Karen March's study of reunions in Ontario "The Stranger Who Bore Me", she found that 25% of reunited pairs had restored their mother/child love and relationship. this, to me, is great news.

[Rowan]

Hi

I have too learned an awful lot since visiting these type of sites and this one in particular.

I expect nothing - just hope to hear something and anything else is a bonus.

Rowan

[jdzyymala]

Ok, Nana Jane Found Her Grandaughter 7/02. We Had A Great Time, Oh {annie} You Look Like Your Cousin Chel. Lets Get Together, Again Ok. Then After A Year Oh, My Amother Doesn't Know I Met Grandpa Seacrher [shirley]& You. Annie Told Me She Worked On Wkends Near Us ,i Said Wow Pete Gp] & I Would Come For Visit & Eat. Oh No ,my Amother Comes In & I Don't Want Her To See You.i Felt Like Dirt.but Forgive & Forget. No More Phone Calls So I Waided A Yr & Wrote Amother, She Had A Cow.so, I'll Just Wait. There's More But Hard To Put In Words. Love Ya, Nana Jane
Psmy Daughter Passed 3/9/ 83 Annie Born Ii/24/80

[Montraviatommyg]

dpen,

I never had any expectations of my bson, all I ever wanted was to know was that he was alive and well. We were reunited last August and he wanted to know what I wanted from him so told him that I didn't expect anything from him. I was prepared for him to want information from me which I have given willingly but the added bonus is that we are still in reunion which is more than I could possibly ask for.

Philippa