[Nishi]

I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I am not an adoptive mom and neither am I a birth mom or adoptee. My experience with adoption is through my SIL (hubby's sister) who has adopted 2 sons from Russia.

Here is my question. I read a lot on these boards about people suffering let downs with domestic adoptions-birth mothers changing their minds, not choosing you, the long wait, etc. etc.. I know my SIL went through this-running ads in newspapers, having an 800 number, being chosen by a birth mom and flying to see the birth of the child only to have the birthmom change her mind after the child was 2 days old, etc.. But, as soon as my SIL and her hubby decided to go for an international adoption, they brought my oldest nephew home in about 10 months or so, my younger nephew who just came home last July was brought home in about 9 months from start to finish. Which I think is great time wise!

so, I guess my question is this-why don't more people go for international adoption? It seems to me (again-I am an outsider in ways) a guarantee to bringing home a child. I know the travelling makes it harder and tons of paperwork-but you get what you set out for (a child). Anyway-hope no one is offended-I am truly curious. Thanks and good luck to you all!

[Suzy]

Your experience in watching your SILs adoptions would naturally lead one to be curious about why more families don't choose this path from the beginning. I don't believe that your desire to understand should be considered the least bit offensive.

My husband and I adopted older children from foster care. For us, international adoption was never an option. We felt that there were too many children in our own metro area in need of loving homes. There are also many other issues to consider with international adoption. Different countries have different fee structures. International adoption can be extremely cost prohibitive for a family with limited financial resources. Many children in foreign countries have been in orphanages for a large part of their lives and, depending on the living situation at the orphanage, this can lead to various attachment or behavioral issues that one must at least be aware of and able to handle as a parent. Some adoptive families want a baby that they can bring home from the hospital themselves, this is not always possible with international adoptions. Most of the families that I know who have adopted internationally have brought their children home when they were at least several months old.

Blessings,

[DianeS]

That's a perfectly reasonable question based on your experience with those two types of adoptions.

However, what if you knew someone who adopted a newborn domestically 3 1/2 weeks after applying?
What if you knew someone who went overseas to pick up thier child only to find the child was deathly ill--a fact omitted from the "medical report"?
What if you knew someone who accepted a referral for an international child, and then was delayed for 2 years because of changes to adoption laws in that country?
What if you knew someone who adopted an infant from foster care and it only cost them $150?


Those are all true events that happened to different people--so as you can see, all different types of adoptions can have different outcomes, and therefore have different people singing their praises for different reasons.

Newborn infants are important to some people--therefore they choose traditional domestic, or foster care adoption.
Having one child in mind through most of the waiting is important to some people--therefore they choose international adoption.
Adopting a child without having to pay for services is important to some people--therefore they choose foster care adoption.
Having a relationship with birthfamily is important to some people--therefore they choose traditional domestic adoption.
Knowing how short a time the process will take is important to some people--therefore they choose international adoption.
Etc.

Everyone goes into adoption with their own wants and needs, and should carefully research the types of children, situations, finances, timelines, etc that are involved. And THEN choose the route to adoption that is right for them.

Gongrats to you and your family on those precious boys!

[Nishi]

thanks for the responses ladies! Yes, My older nephew was about 5 or 6 months old when he came home (just turned 7) and my younger nephew was 15 months when he came home last July-so, I see the point about if people want a newborn. I also know how much money and time both of these adoptions cost my SIL-I had no idea that domestic adoptions or foster care adoptions could cost so much less.

I was always interested in adopting myself, but we don';t even come close to having the money needed-either domestically (paying for a birth moms health care, etc.) or foreign

[Suzy]

Diane,

I really felt a need to clarify one of the points that you made. I know that you didn't intend it to sound the way that I am interpreting it, but I am concerned that others will read it and interpret it as meaning that people choose to adopt from foster care because they do not want to pay adoption expenses. With respect to adopting in general, finances are a very important consideration. Anyone that would deny this issue would have to be someone with unlimited financial resources. However, with respect to adopting from foster care I would have to hope that monetary cost would not be an adoptive parent's primary consideration. It is a very viable adoption path for families with limited financial resources, but should never be considered as a second choice or second best to infant adoption. Foster care adoption may have minimal financial cost associated with it, but it brings with it other immense commitments and emotional costs. Children who have been in foster care typically bring issues caused by their pasts and not everyone is capable of handling their special needs. I would truly assume that most people who choose to adopt from foster care do so because there is a burden on their heart for the waiting children in our society that have not received the love and nurturing that every child is entitled to.

Blessings,

[DianeS]

Suzy,

As I said, "Everyone goes into adoption with their own wants and needs, and should carefully research the types of children, situations, finances, timelines, etc that are involved. And THEN choose the route to adoption that is right for them."

Every type of adoption has it's downfalls, including adoption from foster care (and international, and traditional domestic, did I miss any types?). I wouldn't want to leave *anyone* thinking otherwise.

[mommyof2..dogs]

For some, like us, choosing international or domestic just "comes to you" For all the reason's that were mentioned we were planning on doing international (guatemala), so that we were "definetely" going to get a baby, we didnt have to "worry" about the b-mom revokating the adoption, and so on. I have asked lots of questions here on the forum to get answers.
But I didnt rule out domestic, I called several agencies around here. Found one we liked, attended and orientation, just to see.
My heart continued to go international, then one day..
I was looking thru our small town newspaper and saw an ad for the agency we were planning on using if we did domestic,...and boom...that was it. The Lord made me see that ad in the paper. It was a very small 2 line ad with the agency's name and phone # and the word adoption on it...
thats all it took. In my heart that's what was suppose to be for us. Now were are taking classes and just in the beginning stages, but I thought you might be want to know that one verses the kind of adoption just fills your heart, and you just know.
Amanda

[FamilyBound]

We did international adoption to bring home Ethan -- we tried domestic adoption with an attorney first, but didn't like the idea of a completely open adoption which is what our lawyer told us was the "only" way to go.

Our first choice to make our son a big brother was to go back to Russia, but we are very fearful of flying twice to Russia during these times of world crisis.

We are in the waiting stages for a new domestic adoption with an agency that deals only with semi-open adoptions and do a lot of counseling with birthmothers and in turn have a very low rate of placements falling through.

We're going to give it six to nine months and if nothing happens, we will take another look back at the world situation and see if things have changed.

[SomeBunniesMom]

I'm mainly just re-emphasizing what has already been said, in that there are different types of adoptions and different types of people and families adopting. Not every type of adoption is suitable for every type of family for different reasons. It comes down to being a very personal choice based on what is important to the people involved.

For us, we went international after having door after door close on us. I also believe there is a lot of faith involved and in many cases divine guidance. Our conceived children failed to thrive for reasons that will always be unknown. Our first attempts at domestic adoption failed for reasons ranging from the death of the infant to the birth mother changing her mind at the last minute. We always felt that international adoption was out of our financial range, yet we somehow managed to pull it off. The country that we originally chose to pursue our adoption from, by a simple twist of fate, was dropped for the one we ultimately went with. For us, our adoption was almost something that was decided for us. Nothing that we planned for ourselves came to be, but we are nevertheless grateful for the final outcome.

Each person that has adopted will give you a slightly different answer to your question about why or why not go for international adoption. I don't think there is any one answer that is right for everyone. This is a question to be asked over and over each time you meet a new family that has chosen -- or has been chosen by -- adoption. Each family that is willing to answer will give a very personal and touching story.

Thanks for showing an interest and asking such a great question.

[Sharon]

This is in response to the original post. I believe that some people choose domestic adoption because a lot of research and recent studies are showing that closed adoptions are not the healthiest for most adoptees... that it is beneficial for adoptees to have access to family history, medical information, and possibly some contact with their biological families. I'm not sure this would be a possibility with international adoption; at least, it would probably be a lot harder to remain in contact with the birthfamily. I'm a birth mother, by the way, not an adoptive mother. I'm basing this opinion on the fact that many adoptive parents I've met through this forum claim that open adoption and maintaining an ongoing relationship with the birthfamily is important to them, and that they feel it is beneficial to the child. Sincerely, Sharon

[Nishi]

well-thank you all for your responses! They make a lot of sense-my SIL and BIL were leery of traveling to Russia twice last year-they only had to go once when they adopted my older nephew-but the rules had changed this time around.

They also say that they would have preferred an open domestic adoption-I guess due to the same studies that sharon murphy mentioned. As an outsider to all of this-I would think an open domestic adoption would make things harder on the child in a lot of ways. According to my BIL-at least in Russia-all adoption records and other information is destroyed after the adoption is complete. That is why they said they made sure to get copies of everything they possibly could out of both of my nephew's files so they could see it all in the future-because there won't be anything else to go back to. Sad.

Again-thanks all!

[FamilyBound]

Originally posted by Nishi
According to my BIL-at least in Russia-all adoption records and other information is destroyed after the adoption is complete.

I'm not sure that is correct in all situations. Our agency led us to believe that the paperwork is filed away, and matched with the post placement reports that we are required to send to Russia for the next three years and then send to the Russian Consulate when the child turns 18 for their safekeeping.

[Nishi]

maybe it's true in the county/town they adopted from-he just told me this last week. He didn't mention anything about sending any documents when the children are older

[Rainbow mom]

We chose domestic adoption through a social service agency here is why (in no particular order):

1. There are over 500,000 children available for adoption in the fostercare system. If they do not get homes they may end up on the streets and in our prisons.

2. While the risk of your placed child to be returned to their birth families is greater, you have to realize that is in the best interest of the child to be raised by their biological family if possible. Plus they were not meant to be your child.

3. Cost we paid $300.00 per child for our homestudies which was reimbursed after finalization. International adoption (I have heard) can cost into the $30,000.00 plus travel and time missed from work.

4. If our children choose to search for their birth families we would be more likely to help them to find them.

5. We wanted to help a child who truly needed us so we've adopted special needs children.

6. Why fly half the way around the world to adopt a child who will not look like you when there are plenty of minority children available here that won't look like you either.

[SomeBunniesMom]

<<6. Why fly half the way around the world to adopt a child who will not look like you when there are plenty of minority children available here that won't look like you either.>>

Rainbow mom,
You make very good points and your information is informative and will be very helpful to some who are trying to decide on which type of adoption suits them best. But please do not discount the choices some of us have made. We flew half way around the world because it turned out that that is where our children were. After 7 years of struggling to build a family, after several miscarriages and failed domestic adoptions -- adoptions of children who would not have looked like us -- the path that opened wide to us was that of an expensive international adoption. We did indeed try to open our lives and home to a child born domestically, but for reasons beyond our control that did not happen over and over until we lost faith in the process and moved on to a different type of process. That does not mean that domestic adoption doesn't happen successfully for many families, it's just that ours was not meant to be one of them. International adoption was not our first chioce, it was, however, our destiny.

Families are inspired by many different things into the choices they make -- all are good valid choices and one type of adoption is not superior to any other. The bottom line is that we are given the privilege to parent the children who were meant to be ours, no matter how or where they were born or how they came to join our families.