[essex bird]

Well my good friend Renne, good to see you doing what you do best, advising. My question is this, since i am a celebate alcoholic or non practising, how does one know whether they are still depressed or whether they are just mourning the drink. And does depression stay at the same level day in day out, or can it change its depth from day to day????
Your cyber friend
Trace X

[clara]

Hi Trace,

Apologies for taking so long to get back to you, but I have been travelling and have only returned yesterday.

First off, I think it is vitally important that you keep in mind the difference between depression and behaviour. Depression is not behaviour. The relationship between depression and substance dependency, although interlinked are not the same thing.
Depression is a behavioural associated medical condition. Substance dependency is both a brain and self-induced pattern which becomes entrenched as a behavioural pattern. When the two become entwined, you are faced with several serious challenges.
Tracy, you have made fabulous progress in how you have dealt wtih your own "demon". Recognising it was there and choosing to do something about it , with all the positive steps you have made to achieve the goal you have set for yourself is an amazing achievement. Do not underestimate that.

Mourning the loss of anything, be it a friend, a method or technique of coping, or even alcohol is a process you have to give yourself time and space to do and will naturally involve depressive feelings. These are the natural emotions we feel when we experience and acknowledge the loss of something that has been such an integral part of our lives (good or bad is irrelevant). Having developed an emotional dependency on alcohol, you will go through phases of intense and fairly weaker feelings of sadness and depressiveness for the loss of that crutch or support.

Allow yourself to accept your emotional reactions. Do not judge them. It is not a question of them being the right or wrong emotions to have in your situation. They are your feelings and are validly so. Don't let them get the better of you though. Do not seperate those feelings from yourself by making them unacceptable. Everyone of us has the full gamut of emotions. It takes time to learn what to do with all of them and eventually how best to control them for our own benefit - not because of how we think society wants us to beahve or feel.
(See my donkey story on the inroduction thread)

In your case you are not just mourning the drink, you are mourning the loss of a coping techniuque that made you feel secure. Learning to replace it with a more positive way to cope, in time will diminish the sense of depression you have regarding the loss of the booze. The fact that with each day of sobriety you feel more and more, you have the power and the clearheadness to choose different ways of looking at what makes up the world around you and how you want to react.

Remember that what ever drove you to substance dependency; whatever insecure hurtful situation triggered it, no longer exists. You are an adult , you live in a world you have the power to define and change. You are not an emotionally threatened youngster anymore who feels powerless to protect themselves.

You can and have said NO!. Maintaining a sober lifestyle is not easy. The desire to relapse is often more than overwhelming. When you know those moments are about o hit you, bring out your favourite family pics of your kids or family hols/ anything: your favourite memories or moments. Paste them around the house in places you cannot miss and look them straight in the eye and see what you stand to lose and know that alcoholism is not worth the kind of price it forces you and your family to pay.

The curious thing about depression is that once you have been on effective medication for a while, you mood swings normalise and often we can mistake a "down " day for a sudden resurgence of depression.

It might be an idea to keep a mood diary and note what kind of mood you are in when. It's an easy and quick way to reflect back to see if a down mood stays in place for longer than it should.

In your case Trace, stop expecting it all to disappear from one day to the next. It takes time. And you are allowed to take as much time as takes. Of course depression can vary in depth from day to day, but it nowhere near spells disaster.

take care,

[pezwoman]

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your posts! I have been dealing, processing, and getting thru emotions on being adopted and getting sober. Drinking allowed me to feel better about me and stuff I just didn't understand. I drowned my feelings and could talk with people about life and stuff.

The 1st time I stopped drinking for an extended anount of time, I was diagnosed w/depression and was put on medication. I started drinking again and threw out the meds. Now that I have been sober for 3 1/2 years, my depression is still being treated and I am going thru emotions about being adopted. I am seeing that a lot of what is going inside may stem from being adaopted. The longer I am sober, the more is revealed to me.

Thanks for being here,
Beth

[colin]

Yes i too profit from reading these posts.

I too am going through many different sneak attacks from adoption related events.

You may find it helpful to elaborate more specifically about details of the experience here.

>>>I am going thru emotions about being adopted. I am seeing that a lot of what is going inside may stem from being adaopted. The longer I am sober, the more is revealed to me.


What is being revealed to you? What are you feeling?

Only expose what you are comfortable with sharing. It may help alot to have it heard, and i am sure we will profit from what you have to share.

Colin

[SHADOWWE]

HI TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY IVE BEEN READING ALL THIS IM 27 YRS OLD AN ADOPTED. WHEN I WAS 14 MY ADOPTIVE FAMILY PUT PINS ON ME FOR NO REASON AN I WAS PLACED WITH THE STATE JUVINILLE SERVICES. READING ALL WHAT EVEYONE HAS WROTE IS THE ONLY TIME IN MY LIFE THAT IVE HEARD PEOPLE FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO. I CANT EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND THE WHY WHAT IVE DONE? I FEEL LIKE MY INSIDES ARE BEING CRUSHED TOGEATHER AN IM ALONE. I VE HAD ADRINKING PROBLEM SINCE I WAS YOUNG. I TRY NOT TO DRINK I KNOW HOW BAD IT IS BUT WHEN THER IS NO HOPE WHO DO I HAVE TO CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS. I JUST WISH ALL OF YOU MUCH BETTER LUCK IN LIFE I WISH I COULD BE A STONG AS A LOT OF YOU. I NEED THE STRENGH!

[DKENDRICK]

I have been clean for 2 1/2 years and gone through depression all of my adolesence and part of my adulthood. I would be happy to talk with anyone about my experience, strength and hope!

[lonelyonly]

i only recently joined the forum to help find my sister. i am not really sure if i actually want to find her or not. she was the lucky one, i hope. there really isn't any real family left but me. and i am a mess. i am a rapid cycling bi-polar and life is hell pretty much every day. I want to know her. i've always felt incomplete; even before i knew she existed. the only way i found her dob was by going through microfilm records at the library. our whole so-called family knew all about her birth and adoption yet even our own mother could not recall her dob. i have two beautiful sons and i could NOT EVER forget the days they were born, even if i tried. I just don't know what i have to offer her and i am afraid of messing up her life if she does contact me. this is very confusing for me. does anyone understand this or am i the lonelyonly??????? please, please someone reply, anybody, i feel so **** invisible. sorry, thanks.

[winningdays]

Hello everyone, I have been reading through a lot of your posts and like a lot of people have mentioned I feel the same too! Iam 26 years of age and live with my adoptive parents. I have a great personality and get on great with almost anyone, people are always telling me what a great person Iam and how much I help them, but the one person I'am struggling to help is myself!! I too are trying to shake the alchol habbit because deep down it does not reflect the person that I'am. evrytime I go down the pub I feel that I'am with the people who Love me. I can talk about things, share problems, have fun etc etc. But when I leave the pub and everyone goes home I feel lonely again! I used to have a beautifull girlfriend, she had a lovely Family, and a great Future ahead of her and I was jealous! We went out for 3 years and this was the closest I had ever came to Love and it felt good, even though I was jealous. I have never felt Love like that since.. My adaoptive parents In which I respect, I do not Love, I can not share my thoughts and feelings with them, so I let it all build up and it all explodes, and I end up back in what I think to be depression. I seam to be selfdestructive and I can't help it, everything will be going good and BANG there it goes again......

I'am now currently sat at my computer feeling like I don't even want to adventure out into the world (even though I know I do). I see everyone with their little Familys doing the Family thing, working for mummy or daddys business, seeing the type of people they are within their parents, and me Nothing, I just don't know what to do in life, Im currently working a couple of days a week but it's not helping my head which is going round and round in circles looking for the answers to this big life!!

[lonelyonly]

:

[lonelyonly]

STILL ISO OF SISTER BORN IN HAYWOOD COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA ON MARCH 3, 1971. SHE WAS ADOPTED THRU CHILDRENS HOME SOCIETY OF ASHEVILLE(BUNCOMBE COUNTY).
I KNOW SOMEONE KNOWS HER OR OF HER. PLEASE CONTACT ME WITH ANY INFORMATION. NO B/SER'S PLEASE!!!! I AM HER BIG SISTER AND I MISS HER TERRIBLY AND WANT HER TO KNOW THAT I LOVE HER. THAT'S ALL....

[lonelyonly]

Originally posted by lonelyonly
STILL ISO OF SISTER BORN IN HAYWOOD COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA ON MARCH 3, 1971. SHE WAS ADOPTED THRU CHILDRENS HOME SOCIETY OF ASHEVILLE(BUNCOMBE COUNTY).
I KNOW SOMEONE KNOWS HER OR OF HER. PLEASE CONTACT ME WITH ANY INFORMATION. NO B/SER'S PLEASE!!!! I AM HER BIG SISTER AND I MISS HER TERRIBLY AND WANT HER TO KNOW THAT I LOVE HER. THAT'S ALL....

PLEASE PM ME IF YOU HAVE ANY INFO AT ALL!!!!! NOT MUCH TIME !!!! PLEASE!!!!

[kerry lynn]

I cannot believe how each time I venture into this Forum, I find a post or 2 that really touches me deeply. First of all, to Lonelyonly... the lack of a response is NOT an indication of people ignoring you. It's simply a matter of no one having the info you desperately need. This thread IS a bit off the beaten path, so perhaps posting your request in a more General section (one that can be seen & read more frequently) would be more beneficial. I will PM some more suggestions that might offer some encouragement. Your panic is evident, and I want to assure you, you CAN find the answers you are searching for!!

Now, for the Meat & Potatoes of my message.

I was really struck & impressed with the explanation of the difference between depression & behavior, and how the loss of a coping mechanism is an additional burden to endure, with an already full plate of pre-existing pain. Very insightful stuff! I also value the comment that our individual feelings should not ever be deemed "unacceptable" by our own selves. In fact, (if I'm understanding this correctly...which I hope I am...) the minimizing of our worthiness to "feel" is more of a threat to our well-being than even the most "irrational" fits of emotional explosions. Because until we can RECOGNIZE our true emotions, and ACCEPT them as part of our Selves, we can never learn how to control and master our actions & reactions to life's wheel of fortune.

I have been making a full-blown conscious effort this past year to rid myself of the weight I have felt my ENTIRE life of feeling like I never fit in, I am never good enough, and I have no worth, other than the ability to serve others and make THIER lives more peaceful. My life has been one big contingency, and I am finally exhausted. I cannot keep Putting Others First as my personal sacrifice to feel remotely accepted. Family, friends, and spouse, all alike.

I recently had an e-mail relationship with an old HS sweetheart, who had always been a wonderful, insightful, unconditional guy. Ours is not a lust-based relationship, but one of (what seemed to be) genuine care & concern for the other. We both had a willingness to listen & encourage the other during really difficult situations. His backgraound is one of Ideal Family Dynamics, (he was not adopted); and my background is the stuff "Dyfunction" was named for. I have been used & abused by my family in ways that defeat the whole pursose of ever wanted a child. And yet, I have endured things are so unacceptable in any one's standards -- l because my need and my dream of being Loved is SO great, so deep, so profoundly cellular, I have no choice but submit to anyone who gives me the time of day. [And I HATE this about me!!] I only recently made this discovery, through my messages to my friend. It took me a REALLY long time for me to trust him, and believe his reassurances that he was "safe", "trusting" and "I should have no fears with him". I kept bracing myself for his sudden "turn", his sudden abandonment & permanant rejection. In fact, he would get SO ANNOYED with me for always putting out the disclaimer:"I hope I'm not being a pest"; or "I worry you will drop me & delete my address for Good."

Sure enough, Friday he very curtly wrote: You insult my family...GAME OVER. I had only said that he had a Pollyanna Family Experience compare to mine. He got unconditional love, support, and interest, while I got beaten, raped, and ignored. I was finally venting the rage and anger I have, up to this point, always kept inside. i felt liberated, and proud that I FINALLY had a person who would HEAR me...LISTEN...and even CARE about me. Could I HAVE such goodness in my life?

Aparently not, according to his innacurate accusation of me insulting HIS family. It seems that he simply needed a reason to cut me off, like everyne else has ever done in my life. I have not heard from him since Friday morning. A loss I almost don't even feel. I'm losing the ability to feel. Anything. And that scares me, because the one thing that I am completely relying on giving me the will to survive is the HOPE that one day, I WILL be loved by a man who accepts me for WHO I am, not for what I can DO.

I am told I am very smart, attractive and compassionate. I always had boyfriends, and even friend's of my DH hit on me...but I don't even like to look in the mirror because I feel like such a hideous loathsome beast, that somehow is expected to live to serve others, without the benefit of ever feeling like I Belong, I am wanted, and I am Loved. I am an inanimate object that is
who is cast-off like a used pen when my usefulness has been replaced by something better. And there is ALWAYS something better.

I have taken to having a few drinks each night, before dinner. Between the stress of pouring my soul out to a person who had NO INTENTION of being genuine and unconditional, (a feature in a realtionship I have NEVER had); and a marriage to a man who has no interest in me physically or emotionally, I just want to make myself numb enough to get through Family Time. We have 4 young children.(HOW? You ask? Because I Insisted. I begged to have children, to give me the chance to belong to a bloodline. I just happened to be really fertile. Whudda thunk?) So evenings are TOUGH. They're loud, messy and chaotic. And they provide the daily opportunity for my DH to remind me I did this to Us. I am to blame & at fault for the unhappiness I feel, and this is what I get for wanting so many kids.

So how does a person change behavior? How does a person feel free to Feel, when there is no one willing to accept the Ugly, as well as the Beautiful? How does one get a sense of value or worthiness, when no one is willing to OFFER it??

BTW...this is me on Effexor, AND therapy. My empiness and loneliness is so profound, and yet, my hope is still alive. It HAS to be -- it's all I have. So HOW does a person make that Hope a Reality? How do I accept my neediness without punishing myself for being so needy?

[Heather Jones]

I think it's extremely clear that these are real issues for adoptees. You could call taking up addictive substances as a coping mechanism, a guard against acute feelings of detachment/depression/abandonment/otherness/alienation...
I have viewed the world since a child as 'a witness' - participating IN the moment, but somehow outside of it simultaneously. I'm an alien in my adoptive family - a real oddball - I'm sensitive to things that others don't even see or feel. I have researched the area of trauma and the effects of post trauma and how there seems to be a natural dampening down effect (like depression) after a severe trauma, which becomes a comfort zone. I think it's important to admit to ourselves that the sort of seperation trauma every baby born and seperated from the mother and or shuffled around at whatever age has experienced a trauma that has imprinted itself in our unconscious minds. It has a memory preceeding memory. It's understood in the brain where there is no lingual form to that understanding. It precedes language. Babies can not speak and therefore the memory is a physical one.And our learned response to pain is to turn it inward on ourselves and self destruct.

I was adopted in 1969. I grew up in a functioning disfunctional family. I left home at 18. I had many years of my own struggles with addiction and depression and where I have finally got that degree of self destructive behavior under a tight control. I still suffer with melancholia and alienation and attachment/abandonment issues. I live a very far distance away from where I come from now. And I'm on my own raising my son, and although it is really tough, it seems that I'm accepting that I followed my free heart to where I needed to be. I needed to learn what I have. I needed to have it tough, because the reality of what's at the core of me is tough. I accept the karma of the mother - hers and mine. I think it's about accepting loss. And accepting that the 'baby you' felt it as that - frighteningly severe loss - all those years ago. I accept that I could never do what she did. I work hard to better than that. I try to suspend judgement on what she did, which is a paradox, but...

My melancholia brings me great things. To be an artist or a creative soul, I think you are one who sees the world differently. To see the world differently is a gift and a curse at the same time. To lift the veil of drug addiction, alcoholism or denial means higher highs and lower lows, and acute senses that can feel really uncomfortable and raw, and not always predictable or convenient. But I wouldn't trade myself in for a numbed out, dumbed down, flatline sort of person.
And I wouldn't trade myself in for someone who has it easier, but has nothing to say about anything, like say a journalist or something...ha ha.
It's about accepting that you have a certain disposition, which means you need to take care... and take courage... again and again. Take Courage and care for yourself.
best regards to all of you. x

[joshua1977]

having a few drinks! thought i would give a hearty hello! adoption is tough! I havent searched for my bmom in years, i just started again yesterday. what a storm of emotions the search process is, i kinda miss the feeling though. exhilirating, isn't it!! i've had a name and old address for years, i guess im just a wussy! scarey stuff, not freddy or jason scarey, more real than that. that's scarey.
but here i am, and i know someone will push me to do what i really want to do. come on. someone give me a good solid push! i dare ya!(thanks)

[clara]

Joshua1977,

I am curious: what is the real reason for your post Joshua?

- it isn't the 'push'you are looking for, what is it really?

concerned
clara