[Rayma]

Colin,
It's a good idea to think about the differnt things that can happen. I did before I went to meet my bfamily. I also talked to them a lot on the phone (free long distance), and learned a lot about most of them. I already knew that some relatives are people I'd never choose t be around. And that I had a good relationship started with others.

The point is I knew what kind of people they were before I went. And I decided in advance that if anyone started any anything I would leave right then. I had alternate places to stay until I could get home.

Rayma

[colin]

Rayma that is a good way to see it.

But does that also involve flights and rental cars?

I would be stranded if i had to leave. But there are hotels and money is a drag.

I could create an escape route other than walk out into the frozen plains till sleep comes, lol. I could have a ticket to come home or at least a familiar hotel to crash the nights at and they don't have to know where it is, lol. Yes there are safe ways to prepare. I was just stuck for a bit on the sticky emotional feelings instead of finding a way out right through the middle of the experience.

I will be a different person when by the time i come back from a xmas reunion with bMOM, bBrother (fellow adoptee), bSister (brought up by Bmom) and their siblings and Carl - bMoms good partner (she divorced the last bfather years ago.

Too Bad Oprah won't be there, lol.

Rayma good to know you are still here.

And nice to meet ya Hanna.

Colin

[vidalia]

You know,
It is nice to meet you too Colin. I have been out with so many men that were so cold and had not emotion one. It is really good for me to interact with honest people.My view is really distorted. I just realized that.There are so many wonderful people in the world and I have just been wasting time on the few that are so wrong and backward.I was using Mr. Bobo as a crutch and I realilized that but something he (he was my ex-common law husband, I felt him in 2000) said that really bothers me and I'm not sure why...He was living here until Bill(my fiancee)returned from overseas that was the deadline for Bobo to find a place and move out.When Bill returned we went to the Mnts for vacation but when we got back...! bobo and all his things were still here and I kicked bobo out.We spoke on the phone and bobo said "you can't get rid of me, I'm bobo".That didn't sway me but it was so sad and pathetic I can't stop thinking about it.Why?What would make someone say that?He wanted pity but he's used all that up. I doubt he even rembers it. It bugs me. It haunts me. Manipualtion? I think what I want is closure but I'm not sure how I go about it.

[Rayma]

Colin,
I have adopted family in the area where my bfamily is AND Jehovah Witness brothers and sister all over the world. So no matter where I go I have a place to stay.

It is important to plan ahead for anything that could happen and have what ever excape route abvalable to you. If it has to be a rental car and a motel room until you can return home, well that's want you have to do. Get an open ended ticket, or be able to change the date that you leave at no charge or a small charge. That way you won't spend so much money on a car and a motel.

You may want a car any way, to get some privacy or to go to the store. We need some time alone to absorb whats going on. Where my bmom lives there is a bus system and I used it to go to the store, while she was at a dialysis apoinment. She has dialysis 3 times a week and no one visits then. So I had plunty of time to refect.

Rayma

[Rayma]

Vidalla,
Yes, it's manipulation. He knows he's your crutch and as long as you need that crutch he'll always have some power over you. Having an emotional crutch is simular to being an addiction. You have an addiction and no matter how much you don't want to have it it's always there...waiting. And like a recovering addict you need some form of councling to find out why you have this addiction and how to get control of it. Unlike an addict you can be free from him the rest of your life.

I had my addition to a man, but after councling I don't even like the kind of men I liked back then. I always choose the uncaring lossers now I like then oppisite kind of man.

My bio-neice has PTSD and I keep telling her not to get married until after she has compleated therapy. Your tast in a man or woman will change dramticly. If you have a perablem in that area. She's recently found a therapist that appears to be helping her. But she met a man and they are deterined to get married. He's too much like the past men in her life...But she dosen't see it. So I advised her to just wait several times. Then her therapist advised that she wait 6 months. Now, because 2 people said to wait she feels that it is coming from God and will wait.

Rayma

[vidalia]

Dear Rayma,
Thank you so much for responding to me.Bill and I have been together for a year and six m0onths and I do not believe that he is the same sorte of person that I used to go for.I hope that I have been modeling a sorte of perspn that my councelor is.... warm and communicative.Sweet and responsible.I know that Bill realy is a gem.The person I wonder about is me.

[Rayma]

I'm glad Bill's a gem. You'll find yourself either during or after your councling. I think we tend to be better people after councling (if we get a good councler and REALY learn how to rewrite the "tapes" in our minds) because we have no were to go but up.

Rayma

[vidalia]

Rayma,
I'm glad that your niece decided to wait. I know that when my bio-cousin and her beau were having problems, (she has depression also, I'm thinking there is some sort of gentic predisposetion) it really got under my skin. I'm not sure any of the things I said helped but I think it helped her just to have someone to talk to.
About inner-strength.The willingness to come through troubles. A willingness to help one's self and the inner tools to cope with a problem. I think it goes something like--an awareness of the problem then analisis of the problem(I try to take it apart).It think aolt of the time I don't ask myself why I am angry. I just suddenly feel "I'm angry".I think I feel dissatified with my life. I know what I like but I really have no idea how to turn that into something that will support me(a carrer). I feel blocked. And forced to live a life that dosen't use all of my talents because of some very large obsticals that have been thrown in my way because of my Dyslexia. I need support and back up (and money for frther tests)because the University has basicly labled me as disabled.Yes I think differently and I'm not good at math but I have passed thoes math classes. I have proven myself again and again that I am able to do the job done and do it well, ****** it's not fair. I need support I need for them to give me the recognition that I deserve, no, that I have earned.Sure I can take classes but officially I have never been admited to the University.This whole thing just makes me want to not continue. To walk away form the narrow-mindedness but I know if I want to really pursue my goals I need to finish my degree. No one in the area even tests for adult dyslexia. I think thats why I'm angry alot but I'm sure there are other things mixed in there.The mountain just seems to high to climb and I'm getting tired and older with less energy for jackasses.

[Rayma]

I can under stand that! There is a Vocational Rehabilitation programe in every state. The office should be in your county seat. They have any and all testing done for free. Also, any medical or education needed to get back into the work force. They will supply tutors and counclers or any other aides to help you.

And if your on S.S.Disablity or S.S.I. the new "ticket to work" program lets you keep getting your cheack until they determine that you are self sufficant. Under this programe they will provide transportation and a new clothes for work. You just sign up with an agency that works with the "Ticket To Work" programe that offerd what you need and you get started.

Anyone who has PTSD qualifies for S.S.Disablity, but they routenly turn most people down regardless of what is wronge with them because over 90%? don't challenge their determination. They turned me down until there lawyer found out that I have a lawyer. I was not only approved, I got back pay.

Rayma

[vidalia]

Thankyou so much, Rayma!
Your name sould be Ray of Hope or Ray of Sunshine.LOL! I had no idea that PTSD qualifies people for SSD.Dyslexia is tricky.As adults we learn to adapt and cope with our differences.I have held many jobs and am about to go back to work because my student loans are comming due.Unfortunatly, the only people who seem to think that I am disabled are one's at the University I tried to transfer to after completeing two years of classes tword my degree at a community college.Do you think that Vocational Rehabilitation will help me?
I have a my own take on the whole Dysexia thing.Einstine was dyslexic.He himself admited he was horrible at math.Winston Churchill was another.He couldn't spell for anything and had his secratary do it all for him. Admittly, I am nowhere in thoes comparisons but my point is that I think that myself and people like me are being held back because of 1) narrow mindedness 2)ignorance of the difference and how it effects people and 3) The more people that the universities are able to classifiy as disabled the more money they recieve.

Another concern of mine is the frightening personalities that are attracted to the more severely disabled. I met thoes people who are there to "help".What a dismal place that was.Not one smile.I take it back there was one but it was frightening.Controling personalites are attracted to thoes who need assistance,Im convinced.Very bad experiances.I have never been officalialy classifed and the thought of the things it may bring terrifies me.

The only reason I want more testing is so that I can make the University recind their judgment. I have passed all the required math(took the the adult IQ test and the test said it was not possible after I had done it).I recieved A's in both of my writting classes(thats what the dictionary and spell check are for) but when it came to the entrance exam where you have to sit down and write 5 paragraphs with correct spelling I could not pass. I don't feel I'm disabled.I'm just different.I know that there is a starting place somewhere I'm just not sure I want to start a battle I can't win.

[Rayma]

Yes, I think voc rehab can help you. It's the first of the fistal year this month, so they have the money - it's use it or lose it.

And if you have been diagnosed as having PPTSD you can get SSD, if you fight for it. And they can and will help to keep from paying you. The SSD and SSI (you apply for both at the same time) are easy to get back on if needed later on for those who choose to work.

Apply the worst thing any of the agencies can do is say "no". And you can exspect a no from the SSA. That's why you'll need a lawyer. My lawyer was one of those who if he didn't win you don't pay and because I won I had to pay him 1/3 of my back pay.

Rayma

[vidalia]

OH MY GoSH!
Back pay! Do you know what that could mean to me! I would have what I need to get my therpy.I could go every week!I could get better! Light Bulb! Thank you for being so patient,Rayma.La LALA.I'm going for the phone book.You even told me what kind deal to get with a lawyer.I can't thank you enough.God is good.

[Rayma]

No God isn't good, He's GREAT!!!

After 2 yrears you get health insurance, then your therapy will be free.

Try to advoid therapist who work for the state (USA) they are not usually any good.

Rayma

[Jocarrol]

I suffered abuse by my amom. About 4 years ago...I ended up not sleeping for days and then I thought everyone wanted to kill me. I ran out into the street...the police came and an ambulance. I was afraid of them too. I ended up in the hospital and went to mental ward. I stayed there a few days just to make sure I was okay. I got out and then saw a dc. He put me on meds and I was okay for awhile. He said I had paranoia. I was on the meds for awhile then the dc quit taking my insurance and so I quit taking the meds. I was okay for a couple of years and then suddenly it came back. I just got out of the hospital two weeks ago and am back on the meds. The doctor says its stress. When I have these spells...I know that no one is really going to kill me but my head keeps telling me differently. I have to make an appointment with the new doctor. What kind of questions should I ask the dc. How do I know I have found a good dc?

[Rayma]

Jocarrol,
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a "normal reaction to an abnormal amount of stress. It does not mean that you are mentaly ill, nor does it mean that you are weak or somehow deficient."

There are 2 types: Full blown and Partal PTSD. "PTSD is commonly veiwed as a psychological problem, it qalso has a biological or physical aspect." Simpley put the brain is not wired properly due to the trauma.

Everyone is affected defferently. No one has all the symptoms because PTSD is a very complex.

Symptoms:

"reexperience the trauma in the form of dreams, flashbackes, intrusive memories, or unrest at being in situations that remind you of the original trauma...
avoidance behavior, a numbing of emotions and reduced intest in others and the outside world...
physiciological hyperarousal, insomnia, irritablity, or outbursts of rage...
Depersonalization or dehumanized, feel more like a thing, a vulnerable object, trust in other human beings and in society in general can be serverly shaken or shaken entirely...
Fight or Flight or Freeze reactions,difficululty falling or staying asleep,difficulty concentrating, overprotectiveness toward oneself or others, exaggerated starle responce.
Low self esteam."
Self blame, survivor guilt, self-destructive."

Other things that can go along with PTSD are:
"Clinical depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, compulsive behavior".

"Child abuse survivors almost always have special difficulties recognnizing their feelings."

There are triggers. A trigger is "When someting arises in the present that reminds you of a past event, you may feel the feelings associated with that event." It can be a smell, a sound, almost anything that remindes you of the trauma.

There is also Secondary Trauma, for example someone does not believe when you tell them what happened, or being blamed for what happened to you.

Everything in " 's in a quote from I CAN'T GET OVER IT - A Hanbook for Trauma Survivors By Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D. a specialist in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I hope this helps, Rayma