[Rayma]

i know from my experience that setting bonderies (saying no) can be one of the hardest things to do. and the knowing that you can is self impowering. it also raises your self estem. that is how it was for me.

that is a huge hurdle to get over and it takes a lot of courage. but you've got to the point where it will get easier and easier.

you are a strong woman and you're going to get throw the anger and pain.

the fact that you've got this far proves
that you are strong. and will be able to compleat the "journy". it will take time, but time is needed, just like on a physical journy.

rayma

[MaryLouisePyles]

I believe I too have PTSD. I was adopted when I was almost 3yrs old. I have some time loss. I am bi-polar, and deal with depression and never felt I fit in anywhere not even by the family that adopted me. I still have memory problems especially when I become stressed and/or anxious. I feel like a suffocated volcano about to errupt and I can not explain why. What is wrong with me? Thank-you for listening.

[Rayma]

Mary,
It could be a number of things. Why do you beleive that it is PTSD? What symptons do you have?

This filling like a volcano about to explode - could it be suppessed anger?

Where you ever traumatised in any form?

There are a lot of questions that would have to be asked and explored. I suggest that you see a professional to get a diagnoses. Then maybe we can help you.

Take Care,
Rayma

[vidalia]

Hello Mary, Hello Rayma, Heoolllooo World!
I just got my power turned back on today after loseing it to Isobell! Two weeks and two days later, almost to the hour.Wooo! My toes were starting to get cold too!OMGosh. Ok! That'll put the small stuff in perspective for ya!
Mary,
The time loss you experianced is called dissasociation.It is actually a built in defence that we all have as humans.It is a survival tecnique. The anger you experiance comes from depression.Most people don't think of anger when they think of depression but my counselor tells me it's quite normal. I was watching Dr. Phill this Friday and he put it quite aptly when he stated that anger is just a masking emotion. We get angry because......we are hurt or scared or feel cheated or etc. Memory loss is also associated with depression.
PTSD is where you relive the moments in which you felt hurt or helpless. PSTD is where you are there in the moment and it feels like it's today but that moment could have happened years ago.
I hope that these words help but like Rayma I strongly urge you to talk to a professional because I am not one! I have been in therpy for quite a few years because it does take time to untangle 20 years of mess and I'm still not there yet but I am much better off than I was 3 or four years ago. Looking back I never could have belived I could be this in this good place because now I have gotten rid of alot of the physical obsticals. Now I can really start to work on getting the things I want in my life after getting alot of the bad stuff out.

[Rayma]

Vidalla,
Your right anger is a reactive emotion, but we have to go throw it in order to heal. Because we have to get past the anger. PTSD is often refered to as an sadness disorder.

Take care,
Rayma

[vidalia]

Dear Rayma
That is so apt.!!! A sadness disorder. I heard that these moments stay with us because we are still trying to work them out. Still trying to fix them some how.

[MaryLouisePyles]

I thank-you for the reply. It is hard for me to find the help needed. The last time I tried I had to be on a waiting list that the last I knew I still had to wait.

[vidalia]

MaryLouise
Finding any counselor is hard. Finding one that is good and that you trust is harder.Over the years I think I count four when I was early twenties. Then two more. I guess seven was the charm. Actually,I was so impossibly at the end of my rope at that point, that I couldn't hide anymore and he really got to know me. I know I was hard on him but I trust him. I don't have medical insurance so I pay out of pocket. My parents help out some. Group Therpy is often less expensive. I'm taking Paxil for the depression and it takes the edge off the scarys but I often recieve free samples. I've found books help sometimes. When I wanted to learn how to fend off verbal assults.Sometimes I just go into the self help section and start reading.
I'm sorry about the spelling but I'm Dyslexic so( buttons on your underware..) that is just the way it is. This is an aside (rant part).You know that saying "What ever dosen't kill you makes you stronger". Does that bug the H*** out of anyone besides me? I mean, I have heard that soooooooo much I started actually thinking about it and ......it's dumb. It just dosen't make any sense. Gee, I don't feel strong
I just feel pooped on. I know, it's said by thoes well intentioned in heart. Maybe it makes us smarter. What the heck is "strength" anyway. How do I know if someone is strong or just numb? It can't be lack of feeling. You just take the hit and keep on rolling? Or does it mean you don't cry publicly? Or maybe it is a more complex combiation of traits than can be summed up by the word "strength". What is that inner strength about?

[Rayma]

Being numb is not having any fellings one way or the other about things that should upset you. For example, I felt nothing about anything, no matter how it affected me.

When we talk about strenght we are not talking about physical stenght but the will and effert taken to help oneself thow something difficult. A lot of times the things are milestones that we all have to go throw. Such as saying "no" to someone you never could standup to before. It's scary and can make you very nervis, but you do it anyway. Because you need to.

Take care, Rayma

[vidalia]

Dear Rayma
Thank you. I haven't quite told this man to leave my life. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. I tell myself " I don't want to hurt him" and "he has the mind of a child".Apparently, I still have some strange instinct not to harm. I feel bad for him but I can't help him. It's hard to let go. . We are all so delicate and impossible and unlikely as butterflys. I have a really hard time with understanding the world on the level of non-bogy. Like alot of the time I create these "evil forces" that have special non-human powers that lurk around waiting to pounce on us poor unsespecting slobs. When you shine a light on it it's just poor choices or giving in to desires that are self defeating. Nothing bad will happeb to him if I let go, I know that now. Thank you for letting me write this self important drivel. Thank you for listening.

[Rayma]

Your welcome, but is not unimportant or dribble. Anything that someone needs help with or just needs to blow off some steam is importaint.

He will be alright after you let go of him. Could it be that he's a crutch for you...? So you have to deal with him and not soe of your own issues? That happens to a lot of people (using something or someone as a crutch).

It is my personal belief that we should never inter into any personal relationships until after therapy is compleated, based on my own experience. After therapy I wouldn't have anything to do with the kind of men that I did before therapy. I would even tell those kind of men who wanted to date me that they were not my type. Of course, they tried to tell me that they were. I just needed to date them to find out.

Take care, Rayma

[colin]

I am feeling alot of pressure to have a reunion with my Birthfamily.

I do want to do this yet i feel i am not as ready, or i keep telling myself that. I feel like i am the rejecting side of the reunion. I had read about what to expect of a reunion.

I should be feeling very lucky that i have had contact yet i cringe at my bMom saying i am one of her children. I also cringe when i read her saying she wants to kiss and hug me when she sees me.

These reactions are surprising me.

I am fearful of letting some of the anger, i've had for a long time, out and focusing my issues unfairly at her.

I still am hopeful that i will oneday find the trust and comfort around her.

I have also found my bBrother and i can be more relaxed with him cause he didn't abandon me. He is older than me by three years. He was (ugh) given up, then i was made with a different father and given up, then she did it again with another guy but finally kept that child, my younger bSister.

I seem to be judging my Bmom at the fact she was so stupid, or uncaring, or hippy-chick slutty to have given up two kids on separate occasions, with different fathers. But how do I rationally or fairly, or politically correctly ask for further information on the real truths and be able to express my judgements?

My Bmom even lied to her third kid for close to two decades until my bBrother sucessfully tracked her down then the truth came out.

They want me to reunite this xmas at their house with all of them. How can i possibly go and feel safe even if i lose it and bring up this topic.

I know judging bMOMs is unfair yet it does not fit in with my morals or values. Why am i stuck onto this bit. How do i mind my own business and get comfortable with the facts?

My bMOM even said she can't even remember the name of my bDAD??? Then what the heck were they shagging for? She got pregnant twice knowing the results, not caring. I know it is selfish to just be sticking to the negative.

The reason i am asking you is cause i have coresponded with you many times yet i just realized you were a woman. You have a female perspective. And your profile says you recently reunited with your bFamily. What do you think, can you unravell all this rambling into what you think is the real issue to tackle or how to approach the thinking of this differently, less judgementally.

Does anyone have input of similar feelings or fears or anything?

Colin

[vidalia]

Dear Colin,
My name is Hannah, Anne for short (which everyone calls me). I have been talking with Rayma recently so I subscribe to this Thread so I'm not trying to intrude but I may have perspective that might be helpful. If not just take away from it what you can and throw the rest away.
My a parents lied to me for years about the adoption.They are not bad people just misguided and also stuck in their generation. For years and years people DID NOT talk about about adoption. It was some sort of social taboo. For many it is still a painfull subject so I wouldn't read too much into your b-mothers liying. Yes, it is wrong but it may not be an indacator into her moral fabric.(Believe me it took some time and therpy to come to this point and I can't and will never forget it but......there were reasons).
Which leads to the second thing that I think you may be dealing with is a Generation Gap or a Culture Gap. I kind of get the impression (I'm 34) that everyone was shagging everyone else in the sixitys and seventies until aids came along.If she is indeed is/was a hippy/and or Greatful Dead fan there would be a big big culture difference and according to that culture a name would be unimportant in the larger scheme of the mystery of the universe.That is alot to chew on but bear with me.
When I met my b fathers family I talked with my therpist and he said just take what comes.Basicly, look, you are who you are.These people did not make you the person you have grown to be and they cannot take away anything from you. Recieve the good stuff (weather it be information about some personality quirk or just good wishes) and throw the junk away.Also I know that for everybody x-mass can be so stressful. You would not believe that the worst arguments in my a-family that I can remember always happend at x-mass time LOL. Just tell them that you rememberd that have plans and may be y'all can meet in January(when everything is boring and gray and thers nothing to do anyway.LOL) I hope that this can bring you some perspective and peace. Take a deep breath and remember:Thank God,who gave to you your relitives, and you better remember to Thank Him double hard that you can choose your friends.(cause your relitives can piss you off like none else) Take your time
Peace

[Rayma]

Colin,
I delt with my "adoption issues" during therapy years ago. So I was ready for the reunion before it came up.

I would never let anyone coax or coerce me to do anything I'm not ready to do. You may have to put someone in there place if they won't take no for an answer. But try to be tactfull, you don't want to burn your brigges at least not yet.

I would suggest that you tell them that you can't come now or that you're not ready yet. You can ask questions in a non-jugdmental way by writing what you want to ask over and over until it comes out right. Then if you use E-Mail or snail-mail you can keep your emotions under control.

I would also recommend that you find someone you are comferable talking to. And talk about your feelings and what was said by your bfamily. Have this person to point out the positive things. Because those of us with PTSD tend to dwell on the negative. That way you will begain to see another point of veiw.

Were you conceived during the "free love" of the sixties? If so, remember that the '60's was a unique time in history. And that sex was a large part of it. So, her peers she was concidered "hip", but never a slut.

Rayma

[colin]

I just woke up, found these replies and went to the can to have a smoke.

When i came back i read and was blown away by the magic of the site. I LOVE your replies, and i love this magic of communicating on focused points. It gets into my heart so fast.

I am Colin and i have lost my anonyminity here on this site and i am hiding in here to ask my mind rattling fears. I was so happy to be able to wake up and come out here and read and type ablout my mental health. It is good to be back.

I lost my anonimity on this site a few months ago when I learned of my bMom, older 1/2 Bbrother and younger 1/2 Bsister. I don't know why i stress the 1/2 part here secretly. I started a thread with the understanding that it would be nice to have that openness on a reunion thread.

It is not working out as well in some ways but it sure spreads out the stress. It is working out because i get to look back upon my attitudes. The reason I am sharing this here is because Rayma, I am trying to communicate about xmas. I have spent my share and am judging how safe it will be at Carls house (Bmom's happy Fiancee).

You can find the thread at HOME->SEARCH AND REUNION -> MAKING CONTACT -> JOHN'S, COLINS, AND GLORIAS REUNION THREAD.

This is all the communication i have done with them except a 20 minute rushed (surprise reunion) with my bBro.

I feel the same way about the pushyness but it is very understandable and mild.

I was born in 67.

I would like to talk about those things here.

I can go for xmas and i want to go, i am just so scared i'll break at one point or another and yell at my Bmom. It may not be understood there, or not even with me.

John is planning to come here. He is my older Bbrother. He is thrilled to have met. He smokes too. He is an adoptee too. Same bMOM. He tracked her down ten years ago. It blew the roof off the "secret hidden kids" (that's me and John).

It is a pretty wild story. They may be wild people. I fear my wild streak. If they are like me they may have a hot spot and an argument may ruin xmas for some of their kids.

I do not necessarily think I do not want to go. I just am anlysing all the angles I guess.

Thank you for your help.

Colin