[colin]

Sorry to hear of the challenges you've faced so far.

Life aint supposed to suck is it?

I did for me (and still does at times)

What do you do for enjoyment, do you have buddies to laugh with? Do you indulge in recreational diversions?

Do you want to talk more of the pain or perhaps the good.

Where do you want to go with this Fred? It is your choice.

What is your mental illness? Describe it in YOUR OWN WORDS to me. Own it, and welcome it. It is yours. Because once you truely take responsibility for it as yours you may find surprises on how to work with it and discover yourself. It is not all bad, i am sure you, because of the way you are, you possess valuable items which will come back to light.

I am Bipolar, PTSD, OCD, and whatever else some finger-pointing, definition-freak, wrong-turned doctor wants to call me. I am still a beautiful human being. My traits allow me times of intellectual discovery and fufillment as well as the time where i should just stay in bed. It ain't all bad.

Fred, You are you. Share some more.

Colin

[colin]

I read the part about the breaking in, are these real threats in your neighbourhood? If they are you have every right to tremble for your childrens safety. Even if you percieve these threats to be real they ARE. Luckily if they are not real in the neighbourhood then you have the choice to make them not real, when you want to.

Life and sensations are a funny thing. If you are feeling the results of nightly breakins then you gotta be very tired. And that aint good, cause how are you gong to get better if you are so very tired. Sleep is very necessary for emotional stability, believe me i work on large movie sets with fifteen hour workdays.

...

There is one thing a friend told me about breaking appointments... it is a control thing.

We abused people like control things, it's safer that way. We dont realise that we are never really in control, nobody is. Just keep an open eye for this and do not blame yourself as if it was a negative thing.

...

Good to hear all the love ya share with your family. Do they know this?

Keep moving forwards, but take breaks to enjoy where you have gotten to.

Colin

[sjcna]

Where I live it's a safe community and I have a security system it's not activated just yet bc we just moved here but when the doors open it beeps several times to let you know someone opened the door. But I still have the fear and working through the fear. I never had any close friends except once and now she lives 4 hours away from me and we keep in contact. I don't have any friends to just hang out with and haven't for awhile. It seems when I get friends after a couple of months they just stop calling or coming by without explanation.
I have never been initially diagnosed with any disorder but I do feel i may have ptsd and other mental related disorders. I try to be happy but sometimes I just want to stay in bed and sleep which I can't bc I have 3 children that I need to tend to. But, if I could I would. I also feel when I talk to people they are judging me even if they're not. I have had people judge me and talk to me like I'm 3 in the past My oldest child has a grandmother that we have cut contact from bc she would try to control my life and every situation. Any choices that we would make she would down grade me in front of my children. My husband has legally adopted my son and since I was adopted initially I felt that contact with a birth relative would help but, that's not always the case and after dealing with her since my child was 18 months old. We just couldn't do it any more. This women likes to be in control and feel like she has all the power but, I finally stood up to her and told her how things were going to be by our rules. Seeing how she really had know right to him and we were allowing her to see him she did great for awhile and then it was back to her old ways. We cut our times with them once and then after 6 months I felt guilty and let her have contact with us again. Once again things went well at first and then she just acted like she could do what ever she wanted when she wanted in example I let my son go to his aunt's wedding and I said he needed to be home no later than 10p.m. since the next day was Mother's Day they said fine but when it came time for him to be home he wasn't I finally called and his step grandfather was drunk and his grandmother wouldn't talk to me his step gf told me his gmother was bringing him home and when he finally arived at 11:45 it was by a 16 year old girl I didn't even know and not to mention she only had one headlight. I was so mad that I cut ties once again and haven't had connection with them again and won't. She has threatened to take me to court but she has said that before she has always been trying to take my son away. But I chose to keep him and his father chose to sign him away. That was the best decision I could have made for myself. Sorry I went rambling on I'm good for that.
Any ways I don't recall you telling me where you live. You have been a great help to me. Also I don't think my family knows how much I love them and care for them I just wish I could show it more than I do. Maybe they do I dont' know. Thank-you so much and I know I didn't answer everything you wrote back but there's so much to say I could be writing for ever and I need to be going write now so I'll keep in touch. Take care.

sjcna

[colin]

Hi again,

It must be very hard to expand your social circle when you have been so busy with children and hausband. The days of just hanging out may be so long over they won't come back. Or can you squash that bug and find a social club of regular people?

You no doubt have a disorder of the mind, we all do. Hope you don't mind but as we've previously agreed (?) disorders are just a definition, a word per say. And you are probably, no... undoubtedly the best person to manage this disorder.

What do you plan?

What are the goals?

When will you achieve this. When will you respond to your mind and body highlighting an imbalance? I am very curious to find out.

How long have you known this?

People are judging you if you define it like that. When we speak of complex things people have got to get their brain moving -quick. Judging is a part of trying to understand you. It is the first step in active understanding.. we have got to compare the spoken image to stuff we feel about ourselves, personally.

And because of the unique cases you undoubtedly spur them to quick thought and processing.

Ya gotta get some way to rest, 3 kids wow. For how many years? yeah ages 1, 5 and 9. You have been hit by a truck! one after another!

And you just moved = major stress for anyone with more than a pair of shoes. So of course ya gotta hear all the new noises and see if it aint a tiger about to whisk away one of your sleeping kids in the dark. I moved a million times and it's the same every time. I have got to hear and label every new sound till my brain can safely filter them out. Safety is important = security = a very important human universal need along with survival.

And all this is happening at once. It is overwhelming me, lol, get it? All at once, forever (recent newborn). You do have a disorder called "frazzled".

Your are a champion for making it this far.

The complex issues are tough to live. Remember what is best for the child. I don't know what is, i'm just reminding you not to let the complex feelings of irresponsible adults come before what is best for the child.<--- rule No.1 and i'm see you feel the same way.

Always take time for yourself. To allow yourself the best chance to recover fom these overwhelming issues.

I'm up i Vancouver, BC. I just located my bBrother and bMom. They've been looking for ten years.

You may like the Dr. Phil show, there are these great ones for the kids and relatives. The net has a schedule to see which shows contain what. ( drphil.com i think ) The reason i tell you this is because i am so interesting to you is cause of that show and a few books i read.

So take care and Ramble on as much as u like.

Colin

[sjcna]

hi there again!
After growing up and having children I never really saw what was going on with me bc it was always pushed down. I too have just relocated my bmom and found out I have a bsis well not to rain on your parade but mine wasn't the greatest but I did learn alot I learned I didn't want to be like her. See I was taken away from her and when I found her and asked alot of questions she lied to me bc her stories would change alot. She has custody of my niece and I feel bad for my niece. My niece is going through mental and physical abuse. My bmom seems very depressed and when I met her I got closure but it also opened my eyes to a whole other side that I was like her partially. Sure sounds like you have a great bmom but for me it wasn't the case. I haven't found my bsis she wouldn't tell me where she was except she lives in florida. Luckily for me I didn't have to grow up in that situation but I still had emotional and mental disorders and my adopted parents just thought it was bc I was adopted. I gave my niece a brand new bed, some new clothes and shoes, all her school supplies, and my bmom an antique bedroom set we weren't using. But, that wasn't enough she was always asking me to cosign things and give her money which I didn't and she would get upset and blow up. Just a situation I chose not to be around. to make things worse they moved to where I was living. I din't like her husband she wanted me to call him dad when he was never my dad not even biologically. I had a run in with him when he pushed my oldest child and that was the last straw I asked them to leave my house and haven't spoken to them since. But that's o.k I got my answers and that's when alot of my promblems started to come back to surface when she was around. I couldn't even look her in the eyes or be around her without having anxiety attacks and nightmares. I now know deep down by all of the medical reports and other info I received that she was involved in my abuse. as I was reading the post on ptsd i knew that's what I had by having simular conditions. Well enough about her.
What are my goals!
my goals are to take care of this disorder and put it in order so I can give 100% more to my kids and hubbie. They mean the world to me. after that my other goals are to become an author some day and write books I have started one already. The other goal is to give my children the best education I can see I homeschool my kids. I just recently pulled them out of public school to teach them at home and they're doing pretty good so far not to mention they like the one on one attention. I may have a promblem with affection but I don't when it comes to the education of my children.
My plans.
Not real sure what my plans are except to move forward in the direction that i seem to be going. I have had some really great days here lately. but, I'm also going to get into a group for victims of abuse. I know that will help me get through what has been pushed down for years. So my so called disorders LOL don't have to effect my whole life once I get in control and change that.
I love the dr. phil show i think he's great I watch him every chance I get I love to hear inputs from other parents it inspires me like writing to you has been Inspiring also. I have made a decision to stay focused and not get off track and I always tell myself if everyone was to see a schyc they to would have some mental ailment except we can atleast identify to why we may have this whereas they may not know except that they just do. And for my knowing is good enough for me than being labeled as a mental mess (lol) and not even knowing the cause. Well I'll keep you posted on what's going on and you do the same o.k.
Well take care and I'll talk to you soon.
sjcna

[colin]

Hi Again,

I just got off a night shift and slept abit. I've got to stay awake so as to retrain my day internal clock.

SYNC you say many things and i a, going to pick on one of them ESPIRING AUTHOR TO ESPIRING AUTHER --- use paragraphs, lol.

I find it so hard to read the 'big clump' and find it easier to read smaller paragraphs, they are less intimitating to me (lol but true).

Your b mom story is fantastic, wow moved in with you?? --There's a boundary violation; co sign loans, lend money, wow REDFLAG.

I never said my bMOM was great yet, did I? We have never talked or written , or spoke to one another. Not yet except for a few weeks after i was born.

I do not expect a perfect person. That is why i am furiously studying "boundaries". They keep a person safer and out of situations which could be overwhelming. Do you know about boundaries?

Also do you know about Cumulative Stress? I just was reading something which makes sense. All the stressors add up over time and may last for years. Major ones may never leave. So as time goes by they build up high enought to tear down anyone without the coping skills.

So you also home study your 3 kids, holy ----, so you must know that that may be another sacrifice that will take a chunk off your energy too. But tell me, is it fufilling to see them learn?

It is imposible for you to rain on my parade. When you write it is your parade.

you said >" my goals are to take care of this disorder and put it in order so I can give 100% more to my kids and hubbie. They mean the world to me.

ok here's a thought i had, it is pretty far out there,... where the h.eck are you in this list??? Why doesnt it read >>>my goals are to take care of this disorder and put it in order so I can give 100% more to my kids and hubbie AND SJCNA. They (and SJCNA) mean the world to me. I may be over sensitive but ya gottabe on this list too, don't you??

> "And for my knowing is good enough for me than being labeled as a mental mess (lol) and not even knowing the cause.
huh, whacha sa'en ugain?

Colin

[sjcna]

Colin,
I right in shorter clumps (lol). Well I went to visit birthmom and it was o.k. She came to visit and it turned out she decided to move. I told her it would be better if she stayed where she was.

That wasn't good enough for her she moved anyways and left everything behind and I mean everything except what she packed and that wasn't much.

Well when the relationship went sour she blamed me bc she couldn't blame herself. But that's o.k. bc I don't blame me I told her it wouldn't be a good idea. Emotions were way to high to have her that close to me.

We both needed time apart but she wouldn't give me room to breathe. My neice also played a big role and stepping over the boundaries per say. I felt for her and knew she needed a chance but could I possibly think I could change that.

At first yes I did. Then reality struck in I had to much on my own plate and I couldn't just keep piling things to it.

I soon discovered I was having a hard time with myself, how was I going to help a girl I didn't really know. Except the fact she was my bniece.

YES I DO NEED TO INCLUDE MYSELF when I said I wanted to give 100% more to my family. But sometimes with these issues I feel it's all about me and I don't want to feel selfish.

But like you said I need to take care of my self before I can take care of others like I need too. Well maybe not exactly in those words but you know what I mean. That's so true.

to partially take care of myself is only going to allow me to give only half of what I have to others.

About my kids teaching them at home I get to experience alot more than if they spent there time in a public school settings. It's very fulfilling to watch them grow in every part of there lives--just to see there faces light up when they just learned something for the first time. HOW AWESOME!

Words can't even describe the excitement I have when that happens. To see them accomplish something is great and I'm teaching them everything I want them to know and even the stuff there interested in learning too.

It's not always an easy task but I get to be with them everyday and I don't have to miss out on anything.

And for my knowing is good enough for me than being labeled as a mental mess (lol) and not even knowing the cause.

What I was trying to say is everyone in the world has issues. We can just pinpoint ours a little more clearer. For example for me I was abused so I have ptsd. Other people might find out they have something like anxiety and may not even know what causes it.

Do Ya understand. I know when you write something it's a little harder to explain then just saying it in person.

no, I guess you never said your bmom was great I guess I misunderstood when you said> "I just located my bBrother and bMom. They've been looking for ten years."

That's an interesting fact about cumulative stress>>who would have thought stress lingers for years and sometimes forever. Not me Lol.

So, you live in vancouver? How is it? I can't find where you wrote what you did but I thought I read you work on a movie set for 13 hours. I feel like I'm loosing my mind but, I know I read it. LOL.

If so, how cool is that. That must be exciting! The closest i've been to acting is in my drama class in high school. Many moons ago.lol

I love the whole acting and drama thing and would love to be on stage like that.

I better go so I can rest my whole body and mind thing or I'm not going to be worth two sense tomorrow. LOL.

Take care and hope these shorter paragraphs helped. lol.

[OhhSherri]

My birth parents recently found me with help of the adoption agency that was used, it was very exciting to get a letter saying they had info on them, to make a long story short, I got all the info I needed from them and vice versa, as well as pictures, and we have even talked on the phone, but, about three weeks after this all started, my stomach started hurting real bad, and it sometimes radiates into my back, I went to the emergency room, they did blood work, and everything was negative, I went to the doctor, they did blood work and and an ultrasound, nothing found to be wrong, since there is no other symptoms besides pain in my stomach, he wasn't too concerned, I told him about recently being reunited with my birth parents, he said that nerves could be causing the pain, even though I was excited, with exception to having to tell my parents, which I finally did and everything is fine with them about it. So I'm wondering, how long do I have to suffer with this pain, and is there anything that can be done to calm my nerves, if indeed that is the problem. I'm also laid off from my job and have been considering going back to school, so there is more than one factor that could be effecting my nerves, what else I would like to know is, has anybody suffered from this?

Sherri

[colin]

I have been busy with my reunion and work.

Please forget i ever said this if you consider it inappropriate, for anyone to show up on someone elses door with packed bags shows me one thing. She was not willing to take responsibility for herself.

I have been a traveler for years and have seen that there are givers and takers in this world. As a traveler it is very difficult to not be a taker, so i admit that i was and accept responsibility for my history.

You appear to be a giver.

You did waht you needed to cope with the situation, I cannot help but try to defend you or help you. I will try not to judge the events but it is hard.

How do you feel now after putting it down. Did it help? Was it good to be heard?

Colin

P.s. i have been busy and am getting burned out.
I am in mid reunion and am discovering all the extended family's emotions.




SHERRY


Yes i have had physical symptoms for emotional stresses. I believe this to be true.

Many say breathing exercises help, for me the eurika was hatha yoga. Combination of breathing, relaxation, and stretching. Wow it gave me my body back, and flexibility, digestion, circulation and state of mind was improoved (for me).

GL

COlin

[sjcna]

colin

You got that right she never took responsibility for anything not even my sister whom I still haven't located her.

You want to more interesting news I read my medical reports from the incedent and I think she was somehow involved in the abuse. I just can't really say for sure.

But I know one thing when she said she was moving down where I was I was excited and scared.

Meeting her was one thing but to be right in town, i just wasn't ready for that.

The thing that I couldn't figure out about her was I couldn't look her in the eyes. I would even have nightmares about her coming after me. That started after we met and she came for her so called "visit"

Reunions can be fun but, they sure do take alot of energy out of you. I know I get burned out by day 3. So try to get plenty of rest during your reunion.

I feel a little better now that I don't have contact with her but in the same sense I feel confused. like guilty for finding her and not keeping in contact at least for my niece's sake. I know they abuse her you can see it on her face. She won't say anything but I know just by her reactions to certain situations.

I'm glad I don't have contact with my bmom but I'm sad bc I can't see my niece. The extended family to my bmom could really care less about me. So life goes on and I've become a better person and parent bc of this situation.

The first few days were fine but when it went into the next few she would drain every ounce of energy for me and I would do it bc I knew my niece deserved better.

But end the end I couldn't bear her blaming for actions she took when moving to be close to me. She wanted to hang out everyday all day and I hated that. I like my space and defenately need it or I just become miserable.

I know it's best in the long run to just keep away from her but deep down I still feel some kind of guilt for finding her and then just leaving her.

But i read something interesting the other day and it said, " If your in a negative inviroment get out" Because it will cause you to become negative and you will just end of depressed.

That's how the situation with her was negative. She was never greatful for anything and I never got a Thank-you for stuff I gave them for there house.

She once told me she gave my niece everything she would have given me but, you know what she left out something called LOVE the biggest thing she should of gave me and especially the thing she should still be giving my niece.

That baffles my mind how can a person have a child taken away and in the same state years later have custody of a child.

My sister was raised by my grandmother, which is now dead. But what I understand my grandmother was a miserable person and was the same as my bmom.

My heart aches for my niece and I just pray she's stays as safe as she can and for now I just have to go on.

That is the best thing I can do not only for myself but for my family as well.

I know this the longer I'm away from the negative enviroment the better I feel. Not only that but I don't have to worry about her coming and asking me for things that she should be able to provide on her own. She's older than me she should have been the parent and not the child. I was being more like her parent than the daughter. What a shame.

Not to say I haven't asked others for help. Sometimes people get in binds and I have somehow gotten myself in plenty of those but, I don't keep mooching of people when someone lends a hand. I also have just a little to much pride and when I'm really stuck I have a hard time asking. Usually I try to figure it out on my own and do it myself.

Well I hope all is well with you.
take care.

my e-mail address is sjcna@cimcast.net if you ever want to e-mail me.

Talk to you soon.
sjcna

[clara]

Hiya, finally back, I posted this on another thread, but reading through this discussion, I felt I'd like to share these thoughts here as well, I've added to it some things I feel at this moment....

Say thank you, until you mean it.

Thank God, life, and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way, for the pain and injuries of the past become the experience by which we can embrace tomorrow.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough,and more.

It turns denial into acceptance,
chaos into order,
confusion into clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast,
a house into a home,
a stranger into a friend.

It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the
unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events.

Most importantly, it can turn an existence into a real life.
It helps mend disconnected situations into
important and beneficial lessons.

Gratitude helps us to make sense of our past, brings
peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
Gratitude brings things back into balance.
Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy.
There is no situationor circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible its influence.

We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude to all those wmall insignificant things and then let it work its magic.
Say thank you, until you mean it. If you say it long enough you will believe it.

Today, I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the
circumstances of my life.


For all of us, forever learning the language of "letting go"
affectionately, as always,

[Lovemends2]

Hi, I have been reading all those posts between Rayma, Roxy, Clara, Colin and others.

I believe I have a mental problem related with abuse issue. My adoptive parents had a hard time figuring out what problem I had and they guessed something very bad happened to me before I was adopted.

So 22 years later I found my birth father died and then I reunioned with birth mother and it turned out very bad. My questions and one offensive sentence drove her away from me. From what she told me that she witnessed my birth father abused me when I was a baby and that I witnessed her try to kill my birth father when I was toddler. Right now, birth mother is making herself an enemy toward me.

So, I believe I have serious depression and abuse problem to resolve.

[vidalia]

Rayma
This is my first post ever. I am new and so amazed that I have found this site. I have been living with the knowledge of being adopted only for 5years. After years of passive and active lies my aparents finially told me when I was 29.That is just a sample of what went on in that house. Even before that I had full blown symptoms of PTSD and borderline DID. I have been in therpy and am recovering memories of past dissociative episodes, even though I believe there are some memories that I have lost forever. When I registered for this site I never expected to find anyone talking about this. I never expected to feel so light headed.Just last night I found a wed site about Dissociative Disorders that sheds light on the spectrum of trauma. http://www.voiceofwomen.com/centerarticle.html
I'm just typing the address on the bottom of the page I printed out,not being a computer wiz let me know if you can't find the site. Very informative. I hope it helps!
I am suffering too. I did and am doing all of the behaviors in some degree...Depression,insomnia,memory blocks,drug abuse(former),bad people (former,I hope),low self worth,suicide attempts(former) and hiding away in my house.The trauma we endured and the creative way we have coped with it is as deep and wide as the entire range of human experiance. I may not be able to cure it but we can all of us certainly have a better quality of life. I hopeing that someday....someday I can look back and say "I woudn't trade nothin' for my journey, now". Mya Angelou.
With help I think we can all do that. Cause I didn't let it win then and I'm not givn up now. Don't get me wrong I still fight it every night and I still have bad weeks(days and months)but now that I know what I have and that there are other people out there that are dealing with this, I will never let this beat me! Thank you so much! Ann

[Rayma]

ann,
sometimes just finding out that their are others going throw the same thing makes us feel bestter. the knowing that we are not alone.

i too have repressed memories. i know this because the doctors have found old injuries in my x-rays that i have no idea how or when they happened.

at this time i have a brocken wrist. that's why my typing is worse than usual. the x-ray should a perevious broken wrist. and some of my bones in my shoulder are sepeated from a perevious injury. i need surgury on the shoulder, but there is nothing at tis time that can be done. nothing has been invented to repair this type of injury.

i'm begaining to wounder how may other inuries will turn up...

but i'm leaning the truth. yes the truth can be painfull, but the lies are much wourse in the long run.

keep up the good work. you'll be a thriver. that's when you'll be able to say "i'd never trade my experieces for anyting". i think that that's what we should all be striving to be. i know i never want to just be a surviver. i have to thrive, that's my nature.

i exspess myself throw art. it seems like many or most of us are artist in one form of another...

rayma

[vidalia]

Rayma
I wrote specificaly to you because you were one of the people that started this going but more than that it was the intelligence, empathy and rationality of your responses that made me feel the need to reach out to you.I'm so sorry that thoes terrible things happened to you.It's not right.It's not fair and it makes me angry and it makes my head spin.
May the blessings of the universe surround you in every step you take away from the past.
I know that like many I am angry.I hear my ghosts even now but I know that they are part of myself only,now.It is scary but I am done running.I like to tell myself that- the only way out is threw- but I realise that there is something depressing and fatilistic about that phrase even though it has gotten me over some pretty tuff spots.Maybe the journey does't have to be so bad and scary if we have people we know are there for us.I was panicing today and realised that if those same "bad" friends came back into my life that I am stronger now because I can say "NO".If they want to creepy and show up at my door(panic talking), I can say no.Powerful word,that.I'm sure it seems like nothing to any "normal" person but I relish that little victory.
God Bless You Too, Rayma
Ann