[fosterkid96]

It doesn't look like people come to thiis part of the message boards very often but I just need to vent so here I go. Maybe someone will read it.

I aged out of foster care almost 10 years ago and I'm still sensitive about people knowing that I was a foster kid. I go through phases where I'm ok with the fact that people are aware I was in foster care and then there are times when I don't want people to know I was in foster care.

Well someone I have been acquainted with for many years thinks it is her duty to tell people that I was in foster care behind my back. She use to tell me all the time. "It's your story and you tell who you want." Well That was a bunch of crap because she took it on herself to make sure everyone I knew I was a former foster care kid. She frickin called my employer and told them. My boss came up to me and said. "I hear you were a foster kid and so and so told me" she told him she was my fmom too. That's a lie too. I stayed with her after I graduated off and on and worked for her. But she was never my mom and needs to stop telling people that. I plan on talking with her once I get over being angry.

Has anyone else had experiences like this and what did you do?

[Sam-N-Tony]

I'm sorry you haven't had a response. Though I was not a foster child, I can feel your anger. I would definately let her know how you feel. She's right it is YOUR story and not hers to tell.

Even with my foster son, I always tell him he doesn't have to tell everyone that I am not his mom if he doesn't want to. Even though he is 7, it is still his story to tell and not mine to announce it to everyone that he is my foster son. To me he is my son, he lives with me, I love him, he loves me, I take care of him, he is my son in my eyes.

Hang in there.

[klsof12]

My foster prents or "guardians" as I call them used to share information about me all of the time. They still do, actually.

I remember, destinctly, one time that made my blood boil. I was very active in theatre in high school... moreover I had a pretty good bond with my teacher. He was 23 and fresh out of college when he started to teach there, my junior year. So we're only about 5 years apart. Anyway... I used to spend time with him socially, outside of school. Ice cream or dinners after an especially long and taxing day of set building or directing or a rehearsal.

When he decided to get married he and the new misses wanted to buy a house. Well my "guardian" (still can't call her "Foster mom") was a Realestate Agent.

So... I gave him her number.

The next day he and I are putting tools away in his office and he said to me "So your guardian told me about you."

And I was floored. Beyond angry. I don't think I've ever really forgiven her for it. I mean, what right did she think she had? Honestly? This man was my friend. MINE. Before he was her client. Besides... it was MY story... not hers. It wasn't her stroy to tell.

For the record I was put into "foster care" when my parents died. I was 13. So... she told him, my teacher, the whole story about my parents.

*grrrrrr*

The problem is that I couldn't do anything about it. They were a very strict family and even though I was 17 they refused to have what I would call an "Adult" conversation with me. If they ever did something that upset/hurt my feelings I couldn't go to them and ask that they stopped. They would tell me that I was a child and they were the adult and I didn't have a right to question what they were doing/saying.

I hated ever minute of it.

Not saying I don't appreciate them sharing their home with me for 5 years until I was able to move out on my own. But... it's still MY story.

[fosterkid96]

Thank you both.

Sam-N-Tony- Thanks for respecting your foster son's privacy and letting him tell his story when he wants. He probably appreciates it even now at a young age and will continue to as he gets older wherever life takes him.

klsof12- I'm so sorry you have gone through something similar. Your guardian sounds a lot like the big mouth person I know. LOL. That was really rude of her to share your story with your friend.
It's nice meeting a new person who doesn't know your past and you feel you can start fresh. Then someone has to come along and ruin it.
I've made the mistake of telling my friend about new friends and sure enough she fills them in on my life. Then they always act weird around me. I'm so scared of what she will do next.
Do you still keep in touch with your teacher friend?

[TxMom65]

I wasn't in foster care but I've known a few nosy bigmouths. When I was younger and would hear something private of mine that they were telling, I would tell something totally outlandish about her.
Now, I just ask that person to not talk about me. It is not so bad. Sometimes it has made them talk even more. You can't really control what other people do. Sad.

[klsof12]

Generally if I get to know a person well enough I'll tell them my story. BUT... I like to have a sense that I can, ya know? I mean... you know when someone's ready to hear and when they're not. You just... know. I have a lot of friends who are still worried about asking me questions, but I don't mind the questions. I just... mind people knowing before I'm ready to tell them. Moreover... I mind greatly if they find out from someone else. Even when my older brother tells someone that we both know, sometimes it upsets me. But I try to let him by with it.

We're very different, my brother and I, because he tells people up front. He's like "Hey, my name's Billy, I have a son, and by the way... my parents died when I was a kid." That way they ether make friends or not.

I, on the other hand, tend not to tell some people for years, though usually they figure out something happened when I don't have a mom and dad like they do.

You learn as you get older how to handle issues like talking about your past. I just... never learned how to handle someone else doing it.

Please, all foster parents here, don't tell your kids' stories to anyone you don't have to. It's their right to live as normal a life as possible. Advirtising a kid's past really isn't fair.

[fosterkid96]

Originally Posted by TxMom65

I wasn't in foster care but I've known a few nosy bigmouths. When I was younger and would hear something private of mine that they were telling, I would tell something totally outlandish about her.
Now, I just ask that person to not talk about me. It is not so bad. Sometimes it has made them talk even more. You can't really control what other people do. Sad.

yeah, you are right that you can't make a person stop talking. I'm an adult and was tempted to do childish things like what she is doing. But I didn't. It takes maturity and self control to be the bigger person. However it still hurts much when she can get away with saying stuff at someone else's expense.

[fosterkid96]

Originally Posted by klsof12

Generally if I get to know a person well enough I'll tell them my story. BUT... I like to have a sense that I can, ya know? I mean... you know when someone's ready to hear and when they're not. You just... know. I have a lot of friends who are still worried about asking me questions, but I don't mind the questions. I just... mind people knowing before I'm ready to tell them. Moreover... I mind greatly if they find out from someone else. Even when my older brother tells someone that we both know, sometimes it upsets me. But I try to let him by with it.

We're very different, my brother and I, because he tells people up front. He's like "Hey, my name's Billy, I have a son, and by the way... my parents died when I was a kid." That way they ether make friends or not.

I, on the other hand, tend not to tell some people for years, though usually they figure out something happened when I don't have a mom and dad like they do.

You learn as you get older how to handle issues like talking about your past. I just... never learned how to handle someone else doing it.

Please, all foster parents here, don't tell your kids' stories to anyone you don't have to. It's their right to live as normal a life as possible. Advirtising a kid's past really isn't fair.

I can understand your brother wanting to get it out in the open and over with. I'm like you in that it takes me a good while to share my story sometimes. My confidence level in the person really determines what and when I tell them. Unless, someone does it for me.
Time and experience help in knowing what to say to others. I'm still learning.

[emcal]

I read this last night and I have been thinking it over. I am a foster parent in a very small town. My two bio children are very rooted in this town and most every thing we have done in town we have done for years. My children are involved in the circus they have been doing it for six years, my husband is on the board of directors, and I am a head seamstress also. For four years we had two well known children, then we walk in with seven kids all to be in circus. I dont ever have to tell anything, people start grilling me. Its not hard to see what a cigarette burn is on a child. Once people found out we were a foster family the questions just dont stop, and I do not answer many questions, I will say how long they have been with me, then there is how long will you have them, how will you ever give them back. I have even had people ask my foster children why they are with me. I am not trying to give excuses but people......you know.

[fosterkid96]

yeah I bet the questions get bombarding sometimes. When you were in foster care training,did they teach you how to handle those types of situations? I think that is something needs to be discussed.

I would just say somethinjng like,Thanks for being concerned but I can't really discuss that for privacy purposes.

My main problem is with the people who spill personal info just because they have it. Then again,maybe they give the whole story to avoid the questions if any arise.

Originally Posted by emcal

I read this last night and I have been thinking it over. I am a foster parent in a very small town. My two bio children are very rooted in this town and most every thing we have done in town we have done for years. My children are involved in the circus they have been doing it for six years, my husband is on the board of directors, and I am a head seamstress also. For four years we had two well known children, then we walk in with seven kids all to be in circus. I dont ever have to tell anything, people start grilling me. Its not hard to see what a cigarette burn is on a child. Once people found out we were a foster family the questions just dont stop, and I do not answer many questions, I will say how long they have been with me, then there is how long will you have them, how will you ever give them back. I have even had people ask my foster children why they are with me. I am not trying to give excuses but people......you know.

[fosterkid96]

In case any foster parents read this just wanted to add one more thing.

Please respect the child's privacy even after they leave your home or become an adult. Yeah there are rules to protect kids privacy when they are under age or still in the system But it's good ethics to continue keeping confidentiality.

[emcal]

They do go over the confidentality for the foster child. truly the traing is just a glimps of whats to come. you really dont understand the stuff you are learning till much later. I wish they had a shadow family plan.

I also think it would be easier if I could tell people some of the stuff my kids have been thru so they could understand why they do things they do, and what could set them off. "normal" people just dont understand what my kids have been thru they just think they should act and be "normal". They are as wonderful and as "normal" as they can be, I appreciate them for who they are and that is accepting the past, present, and future.

Keep in mind some adults are just nosey and rude and we all have our fair share of them we deal with.

[klsof12]

I understand feeling like it would be better for the kid if you told people but as someone who grew up with it, it's not always the case. Naturally you have to use your disgretion as a foster parent, but I still hold with the rule to keep it private unless absoutely necessary. I know as a kid in school I was far happier getting graded/punished equally with the other kids, than getting that "pity" dismissal.

[emcal]

I do understand as much as I can.

[stevenstwin]

I understand what you are saying. It upsets me that the school has as much information as they do on my foster son. A lot of it is inaccurate and misleading for the person he is today (it all dates back to when he had severe emotional problems due to being with his abusive bio family), and I do feel it stigmatizes him. For instance, he is absolutely academically fine - succeeding or excelling in all classes, and never a behaviour problem anymore but because he was once "coded" for funding, he has a full time teacher's aide. He finds this humiliating and degrading, and it certainly affects his peer relations - that he must be somehow "weird" or "dumb".
On the other hand, I think HE is far too free with his "story". It's his - so he can share it as he sees fit - but he'll tell near strangers and then be annoyed when they respond in a way that doesn't please him.