[cpipitone]

I need help. Is there anyone out there who aged-out of the system--especially any females. If so, would you mind sharing your experience. Was it scarey? Difficult? What resources did you have?

Two years ago we adopted a 10-yr old girl from Foster Care. She was in the system for ~ 4 years before we got her. She had numerous foster homes and two failed placements. In her birthfamily life, she had numerous caregivers and moved often. She has been diagnosed with Attachment Disorder.

So, here we are two years later and she is very uncomfortable with the long-term relationship, responsibilities and consequences. She is so ready for her next family that she pushes us and challenges us to "send her back." She still does not seem to get the adopted thing and still thinks of us as temporary foster parents.

We talk openly about what might happen if she went back into the system and what her odds might be of getting the real help that she needs and her odds of ever being adopted again. We play out a few scenarios, but none are ideal. I just imagine her aging out with no skills, no help for her issues, no money, and no family.

I do not want to send her back, but she is starting to falsely accuse us of things--nothing major yet--I think in an effort to maybe be taken back into the system by CPS. It is much more familiar to her, so more comfortable, and she gets a fresh start every 6-12 months.

Perhaps some kids do well getting out on their own at 18, but I think having a family to support you might be more desired. Perhaps I am wrong.

Any and all feedback is welcome. Educate me if I am way off base here. I want what is best for her, and I am thinking she needs to know the facts about aging out and what the prospect is for the majority of kids.

Thanks!

[momagain5]

hi, wow thats a tough one.i would think the best thing for her is to remain with your family.is she in therapy?we are about to finalize our fsons adoption,and he still worries he might have to be in fostercare again someday if something happens to us.you know the best thing for her is to have a family who cares,thats why you adopted her.dont give up,look for resources to help her and your family.i am a former fosterchild who aged out of fostercare,and went to stay with my bmom,then shortly after,married,had 4 children,and after 20 years in a bad marriage,finally stood up for myself,and got a divorce.i have since married a wonderful man,and we are adopting a son together.i love my children,but maybe if i had had a family who cared when i was growing up,i would not have married so young,and gave up my plans of college.i wish you and your family the best.

[Vitality08]

I have a friend who aged out at 18. She could have stayed until 21 but wanted out.

In the 12 years since she aged out she has:

-never been able to stay in any vocational training course to help her maintain a career.

-gone from dead end job to dead end job every few months.

-had to resort to being in relationships with me she doesn't care about just to help make ends meet.

-went to prison

-lost her son to the system

-been unable to care for her daughter.

-gotten pregnant again so this guy will take care of her.

She says aging out was the biggest mistake she ever made...which I think lead to the other mistakes she's made. Perhaps had she stayed in the system until 21 she could have at least gotten child care while she went to college or a vocational program.

[cpipitone]

This is the kind of feedback I was talking about. I think she thinks it will be OK, although she used to always talk about how much she hated foster care.

MomAgain5 - we are a loving family and we have worked hard for two years to help her, but she is incapable of bonding with us or loving us. Her behaviors have not changed in 6 years--looking at her CPS/Foster reports from before we met her. We are still fighting the same battles her first foster family encounterd. It really feels useless to keep trying to give her guidance and support when none of it "sticks."

We are working to get her some very intensive help, but we feel a real sense of urgency before she escalates her efforts to go back to foster care. I want to share with her the experiences of others who aged out of the system, because honestly, I highly doubt she would be adopted again. She had two failed placements before us.

We are willing to stick by her, to get her help, to reinforce new techniques learned in her treatment, to support and even accomodate her, but I will not put my family at risk to do so. She HAS to want our help and she HAS to be willing to work at this as well.

[vernellinnj]

Cpip -

No first hand advice on what happens when you age out but statistically it does not look good. The following quote was taken from the article below:

"Nationwide, an estimated 30,000 adolescents age out of the foster care system each year. According to the Child Welfare League of America, 25 percent become homeless, 56 percent are unemployed, 27 percent of male children end up in jail. In fact, the next big wave of homeless people might be foster kids aging out."

See link related to this topic:
Online NewsHour: Aging Out of Foster Care -- May 19, 2005

I think you are approaching this as a thoughtful, compassionate mom. I agree that you cannot/should not put the rest of your family in danger to parent your daughter (notice I said daughter...not adopted daughter. My thoughts would be the same if she were your bio.).

Best wishes.

[lovemy6]

She needs intensive attachment therapy. Without it things won't look very optomistic.

I have two dd's that have aged out. Both have been homeless. One continues to be homeless on and off for the last two years. She can't hold a job.

The other has a baby, goes from guy to guy looking for love.

Her future will be horrible if she ages out. Most kids who do, have very dismal futures. SOME make it,but not without struggling VERY hard!

I heard or read once that one fourth of all those incarcerated were at one time in their lives in fc.

[cpipitone]

I know that the statistics are dismal (see 2002 report from Lisa Dickson's site: http://www.lisadickson.name/sgrd/Aging-Out-Trends.pdf) but reading stats to a kid is useless. I kind of want her to hear what it was really like from someone who was in the system and aged out, but then, I guess those with the real horror stories and those that are homeless are probably not on an online adoption site sharing information. When we were in the adoption process and going through our PRIDE training we were given some alarming stats on the homeless population here in our town--something like 50% in the university area were aged-out foster kids that the agencies were now trying to help get into life-skills training courses, and help get them off the streets. It was a real eye-opener.

[Hadley2]

I'm confused as to why it's even a question. If she is adopted, how can you "send her back"? I don't mean how you can make the decision to, I mean, how, legally? Why would the state even consider it if she is not a CHINS case? In our training, they are very clear that once adopted, that child is ours, no returns.

[vegaschristina]

Originally Posted by Hadley2

I'm confused as to why it's even a question. If she is adopted, how can you "send her back"? I don't mean how you can make the decision to, I mean, how, legally? Why would the state even consider it if she is not a CHINS case? In our training, they are very clear that once adopted, that child is ours, no returns.

I think she's just trying to gather information so that she can show her daughter that aging out of foster care doesn't give one a good start on life. I think that if the child were to contact CPS with enough stories, she could find herself back into foster care. This mom said nothing about undoing her adoption.