[Mom2blessings]

Hello,

I'm starting this thread for the sole purpose of trying to educate myself about the effects of adoption on children whose original parents did NOT voluntarily give their children up ( or maybe they did volutarily do it BUT ONLY because the parental rights were about to be TPR'ed).

I'm considering adoption through the US foster care system, and have been trying to research what it's like to be adopted, especially under the circumstances I described above. After reading adult adoptee after adult adoptee that felt like they never belonged or ever fit in with their birth families, I'm beginning to wonder if adoption is the EVER the answer?!

I'd like to hear from adult adoptees, who were adopted out of foster care. I'd love to know...well, LOTS of things.

Did you feel like you "belonged"?

If not, was it something your adoptive family did or did not do, that made you feel this way?

Are you glad you were adopted?

Did you have an open adoption?

If not, do you wish you had an open adoption?

If your adoption was open, are you glad that it was?

Do you think all adopted children would benefit from therapy?

In your opinion, what can an adoptive family do help the children adopted from foster care the most?


Please feel free to add ANY other opinion's that you may have. I'm not easily offended. I just want to know that adoption is the right answer for most kids...before I adopt them and they feel like I've ruined their lives.


IF YOU ARE A PARENT WHOSE PARENTAL RIGHTS WERE TPR'D AND YOU'D LIKE TO TELL ME WHAT THIS IS/WAS LIKE FOR YOU AND WHAT YOU'D LIKE ME TO KNOW AS A POTENTIAL ADOPTIVE MOM, I'D WELCOME POLITE, USEFUL COMMENTS. I will not stand in judgment of you. If your open to it, I may ask you questions. I have NO desire to hurt the birth parents at all, in any shape, form or fashion.

Blessings!

[Lamaena]

I am a fmom with the same questions as you, I wish some adoptees would reply to these questions.

Thanks for the thread, hope some answers come around.

[searching angel]

i am a bmom who's rights was taken by a judge. i felt as if my life was taken from me on that day. you never know the hurt,the pain i've lived with all these years. i am looking for my three angel today. my middle son's b-day is today he's 22 .my oldest son's b-day is in march,he will be 23 my daughter's b-day is in feb she will be 21. in 1988 i lost my everything. i love and respect my childerns foster parents. i to was in a foster home when i was young so i learned to respect foster parents for opening up their homes and hearts to childern like my self.i someday would love to be able to tell my childerns adopted parents just how greatful i am to them for their open arms and golden hearts.

[dpen6]

My Story....I am 49 years old, have a career, family, married 24 years. Never been admitted to a pshe hosptial and very much loved my parents.

I was born to my biomom as her 3rd out of wedlock pregnany. Was in foster care for 2 years, 6 different placements in that short time. My birthmom, I beleive was "coerced" into sighning. she wanted to keep me but could not get it together to do so, so she thought that foster care was the answer. Fineely a shrp SW decided I NEEDED to be adopted before more damage was done. There was no drug or ETOH abuse.

I was adopted into a wonderful family. Now mind you this was back in the late fiffies early sixties....My mom was totally open about our adoptions and whatever info she had. She
NEVERpassed a judgemental comment about any of our birthfamilies...I grew up feeling very loved and happy that I was in that family. Now we were not the Waltons....she was not a saint but I will say she handled out adoptions very well.

I went on to search when I was in my late twenties. My mom did not take it personally. she got why I needed to and it had NOTHING to do with my love for her. That faact that she understood and sipported my efforts to search is something that I will alwys be thankful for. The fact that she did not become threateded and terrortorail over my existence is something I will alwys being thankful for. At the time did I realize what a gift she gave me for understanding and honering who I was..no...I was a self absorbed 20 soemthing. Although I did make it quite clear to her that she was my mom...forever. she actually watched my older 2 on the first face to face meeting.

Am I thankful I was adopted...no...the reasons for adoption are sad to begin with....having a child lose biological family is sad. But many times necessary. Am I glad that I was not brought up in my birthfamily such as is was...YES....am I glad that I was brought up with the family I was ...YES.

There can be happy contented adoptees that still search...searching is not a measure of one happiness. It has been pretty much detrimed that searching is NOT a sgn of pathology.

There was no such thing as open adoption in my day...I can not fathom living that. But looking back, I think I would have benefited from a semi open....

Also, each situation is so differnt that I don't think your questions can be answered as an acrooss the board. each situation needs to be treated for that particual situation. Severe abuse comes with different problems, age of the child comes with different problems and all come into adulthood with differnt feelings about our situations.

Did I feel like I belonged...YEs, I felt secure in my parents love for me...but I was very aware of the bilogical differneces.....But I was also aware of the fact that if I had stayed with biology my life would have been very different. The one thing tho' that I remember is not feeling "good enough"...smart enough, pretty enough....those feelings alll came from me...my mom did not do anything to make me feel thast way....I am thinking that it may have had something to do with being bounced around so much...but who knows!

What can you do to help a child...well educate yourself, and just be respectful of their situation. As hard as it is to not feel resntful of abusive paretns....I would mind getting a few in a locked room....the child beginings still come from those people..and the child internalizes that.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by dpen6

Your making huge genraizations there that are so untrue. There are adoptees that have posted taht continue to post here that are not wounded but looking for answers. It is precisely this attidute that gets my back up.

My Story....I am 49 years old, have a career, family, married 24 years. Never been admitted to a pshe hosptial and very much loved my parents.

I was born to my biomom as her 3rd out of wedlock pregnany. Was in foster care for 2 years, 6 different placements in that short time. My birthmom, I beleive was "coerced" into sighning. she wanted to keep me but could not get it together to do so, so she thought that foster care was the answer. Fineely a shrp SW decided I NEEDED to be adopted before more damage was done. There was no drug or ETOH abuse.

I was adopted into a wonderful family. Now mind you this was back in the late fiffies early sixties....My mom was totally open about our adoptions and whatever info she had. She
NEVERpassed a judgemental comment about any of our birthfamilies...I grew up feeling very loved and happy that I was in that family. Now we were not the Waltons....she was not a saint but I will say she handled out adoptions very well.

I went on to search when I was in my late twenties. My mom did not take it personally. she got why I needed to and it had NOTHING to do with my love for her. That faact that she understood and sipported my efforts to search is something that I will alwys be thankful for. The fact that she did not become threateded and terrortorail over my existence is something I will alwys being thankful for. At the time did I realize what a gift she gave me for understanding and honering who I was..no...I was a self absorbed 20 soemthing. Although I did make it quite clear to her that she was my mom...forever. she actually watched my older 2 on the first face to face meeting.

Am I thankful I was adopted...no...the reasons for adoption are sad to begin with....having a child lose biological family is sad. But many times necessary. Am I glad that I was not brought up in my birthfamily such as is was...YES....am I glad that I was brought up with the family I was ...YES.

There can be happy contented adoptees that still search...searching is not a measure of one happiness. It has been pretty much detrimed that searching is NOT a sgn of pathology.

There was no such thing as open adoption in my day...I can not fathom living that. But looking back, I think I would have benefited from a semi open....

Also, each situation is so differnt that I don't think your questions can be answered as an acrooss the board. each situation needs to be treated for that particual situation. Severe abuse comes with different problems, age of the child comes with different problems and all come into adulthood with differnt feelings about our situations.

Did I feel like I belonged...YEs, I felt secure in my parents love for me...but I was very aware of the bilogical differneces.....But I was also aware of the fact that if I had stayed with biology my life would have been very different. The one thing tho' that I remember is not feeling "good enough"...smart enough, pretty enough....those feelings alll came from me...my mom did not do anything to make me feel thast way....I am thinking that it may have had something to do with being bounced around so much...but who knows!

What can you do to help a child...well educate yourself, and just be respectful of their situation. As hard as it is to not feel resntful of abusive paretns....I would mind getting a few in a locked room....the child beginings still come from those people..and the child internalizes that.

Thanks for sharing your story!

I never felt smart enough or good enough, either. I am NOT an adoptee and have never been in foster care, so I wasn't bounced around. I was just told over and over, "why aren't you more like your sister" (who was adopted). This always made me feel like maybe being adopted made a person a better person...so, I agree, we all come with different back grounds and different opinions about things based on our life experiences.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by bajj

Thanks for sharing your story!

I never felt smart enough or good enough, either. I am NOT an adoptee and have never been in foster care, so I wasn't bounced around. I was just told over and over, "why aren't you more like your sister" (who was adopted). This always made me feel like maybe being adopted made a person a better person...so, I agree, we all come with different back grounds and different opinions about things based on our life experiences.

WOW.thats a shame, thats the danger of favortism.

[stevenstwin]

Okay - I put these questions to my best friend's brother and sister, who came into her life from foster care when they were 10 and 8 years old. Hope you don't mind me posting it this way - they were happy to answer the questions, but don't actually post here themselves. (brief history - they were never actually adopted, but both have legally changed their last names to my friend's family name! Their birth mom was an alcoholic - some physical abuse, but mostly neglect. Carol was 10 and very parentified - Mike was 8 and has some physical handicaps. They are now 24 and 22.).
[quote=Mom2blessings]

Did you feel like you "belonged"?
Mike - yes, pretty much right from the start. My mom's parenting was so inconsistent that I never felt like I really "belonged" with her - it was mostly Carol that took care of me, and as long as she was with me I was okay.
Carol - not at first. It took a long time and I mostly just wanted to go home to my "mom". I resented the hell out of these people for YEARS because I saw them as being the ones who took me away from my "mom" and wouldn't let me go home. See, the problem is that my birth mother wasn't really EVER a mom - but I wanted her to be, and kept thinking that she'd change. It wasn't until my teens that I really started to make the shift. And now that I have a baby of my own, I really need my REAL mom and my sisters! They are there for me in every way - and I will never, never see my birth mother again.
(Mike says that he'd like to see their birth mother again - just to see how she's doing and if she is okay. Carol says she doesn't care and doesn't want her around her baby)

If not, was it something your adoptive family did or did not do, that made you feel this way?
Both said that the Reilly's included them in everything right from the start. They'd been in a couple of foster homes that sent them away from respite on holidays and when they went for vacation - they were amazed to find out they'd be spending their first Christmas actually AT the Reilly's and getting presents from everyone - even extended family. And that they were always introduced as "my son/daughter" or "my brother/sister" instead of as foster children. Carol says it made her really mad to have to follow the same rules as the other kids, but that she realizes now that made her feel like she was one of them.

Are you glad you were adopted?
They weren't adopted, and feel that doesn't matter. Both say that the Reilly's are their really family, and they changed their names to reflect that. But YES - they are glad to be a part of this family.

Did you have an open adoption?
They had continuing access to their mother - both are glad that they had this so that they could see her for who she really was. Carol says she wishes that Children's services had terminated parental rights much earlier and not put them through the hell of reunion attempts and continued visits. After TPR, they were allowed some visits, but eventually stopped going. Mike has now reunited with his birth father and has a relationship with him, but still considers the Reilly's his real parents.


Do you think all adopted children would benefit from therapy? Both say "no" to this. (my own side note is that my friend - their sister - thinks the answer should be "yes". Carol and Mike but still seem to be struggling with issues of abandonment and insecurity).

In your opinion, what can an adoptive family do help the children adopted from foster care the most?
Carol - don't give up on them. Let them know they are yours forever even when they act out and make stupid mistakes. Treat them the same as your other kids. Don't say any bad stuff about their birth parents. I hated hearing that my mother was not a good mother (even though I knew it was true). I remember one time that a visit went really bad - we were supposed to be with her for the weekend, but she hooked up with some guy and dropped us off at an out door skating rink and left us there for HOURS. I would NOT call my mom to ask for help, because I knew she'd say "I told you so" and point out how irresponsible my mother was. But I called my sister because I knew she'd just come get us and not say anything.
Mike - just let them be kids and have fun. We didn't have a childhood and that's what we wanted more than anything. Let them just forget that they are foster kids or adopted. They don't want to think about that all the time.

quote]

[taramayrn]

I have deleted a post which was highly offensive and insulting to our members here. This post also had a ton of sweeping generalizations. I have also edited out posts which made reference to this post.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by searching angel

i am a bmom who's rights was taken by a judge. i felt as if my life was taken from me on that day. you never know the hurt,the pain i've lived with all these years. i am looking for my three angel today. my middle son's b-day is today he's 22 .my oldest son's b-day is in march,he will be 23 my daughter's b-day is in feb she will be 21. in 1988 i lost my everything. i love and respect my childerns foster parents. i to was in a foster home when i was young so i learned to respect foster parents for opening up their homes and hearts to childern like my self.i someday would love to be able to tell my childerns adopted parents just how greatful i am to them for their open arms and golden hearts.

I hope so much that you do find your children! Your attitude really touched me. I often fear that my foster son's parents view me as the one that "stole" their son - and I have some evidence that they do dislike and resent me. You are so different! I hope that your children's adoptive parents have the honor and privilege of meeting you someday so that you can give them your lovely message!

[Mom2blessings]

I have not checked this post in a while for new responses so I was shocked with what I just read. I can't thank you all enough for your responses.

To the birth mom searching, I hope you are able to be reunited with your kids. Your attitude was truly touching. As one of the other posters wrote, I'm fearful that the first mom will one day blame me or feel like I'm stealing their child.

To the foster/adopted adults who took the time to answer or even get friends to answer these questions THANK YOU! You have all given me LOTS of insight and I think you have helped some future foster adopted children by your thoughtful answers. These answers were just awesome!

[JGarrick]

I wasn't adopted, I grew up in a foster home - the same one - from the time I was a year and a half old until I graduated from high school. Was I glad that I was removed from my birth family? I really have no idea. My siblings and I were removed because of neglect by my alcoholic mother, and I was sent to a foster home (separated from my siblings) and raised by decent people who did their best.

Did I feel as if I belonged? Well, yes, and no. My foster home was the only home I knew growing up, but I always knew I wasn't theirs. My foster mom in particular had ways both subtle and blunt of reminding me that I wasn't her child. I don't think she ever meant to be unkind, but I did live with frequent reminders that I could be uprooted with no more than a phone call.

What wore me down more than anything, however, was having to constantly explain my situation to everyone. It wasn't that the story was painful or difficult to tell, but that it simply got tiresome repeating it over and over and over, and the constant reminder it gave me that I was different from everyone else.

I did have ongoing contact with my birth father (who never did give up parental rights) and my siblings, and later also with my birth mother. In the case of the latter, I never did have anything more than a superficial relationship, due not only to my own sense that I had been abandoned by her, but also due to the fact that my foster mom never passed up an opportunity to tell me how little she thought of my birth mother. All my parents are dead today, but my siblings are all quite close, especially considering the hurdles we had to leap to maintain any kind of contact.

Therapy? Never having tried it, I have no clue. I suppose it might have helped, but I've done OK without it, and I've yet to be convinced that a good percentage of therapists really don't know what they're doing.

Having said all that, I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind that I've had a better life than I would have had if I had remained with my birth family. You said you've read about "adult adoptee after adult adoptee that felt like they never belonged or ever fit in." Well, I'm not an adoptee, but add me to the list of those who felt they never belonged or fit in. I definitely felt that I never fit in, but that doesn't in any way mean that my situation growing up wasn't a tremendous improvement over what I was born into. I gave up my utopian fantasies of what it would have been like growing up with my birth family a long time ago.

So, pack up your doubts and adopt a child or two or three. Bring them home, love them a lot, read them stories, tuck them in, play with them, and do all the other stuff that parents do with their kids. Just remember that even if they take months, years, or decades to understand what you did for them, and even if they never understand it, you'll always know that you did the right thing.

[Mom2blessings]

Hi JGarrick,

I can't help but get angry with your foster parents when I read your story. I just can't understand why foster parents would not love their children (foster or bio) the same...especially in cases like yours where you were with them for sooooo long.

The one comment you made that I can relate to (but I've never done and I don't intend to) was about "being uprooted with a phone call". I say this because occassionally I wouldn't mind threatening my teenage bio son with a "you're going to military school if you don't shape up." I know those kinds of comments would be especially painful to a foster child. I'm hoping that your foster mom didn't mean that...

On any account, thank you for your comments. Once again, I'm seeing such a pattern with many adoptees and I'm learning more with every comment.

[mrsred]

Originally Posted by searching angel

i am a bmom who's rights was taken by a judge. i felt as if my life was taken from me on that day. you never know the hurt,the pain i've lived with all these years. i am looking for my three angel today. .... i love and respect my childerns foster parents. i to was in a foster home when i was young so i learned to respect foster parents for opening up their homes and hearts to childern like my self.i someday would love to be able to tell my childerns adopted parents just how greatful i am to them for their open arms and golden hearts.

Searching Angel,as a foster-adopt mom I honestly appreciate your input. We have two adopted children - one whose mother was very young and came from a pretty tough background. Ifeel so sad for her, it wasn't reallyher fault, she just had no idea how to be a parent. The birth mom of our other adopted child has struggled with drug addiction for the last 15 years. I pray that someday she can beat it. I have kept critical information on both mothers so that when my kids are older they will be able to find them. I hope you can find your children and their parents.

[Boulderbabe]

JGarrick,

I can't tell if your post warms my heart or breaks my heart. Both, probably. I wish things had been different for you, and that you had been given the love and security every child deserves.

What do you think might have made you feel more like you belonged? Would the legal adoption have done it? Or would having your foster parents behave differently somehow have done it?

I very much want the kids in my house to feel like they are loved, wanted and cherished. If you have any ideas about how to do that, and how to make them feel like they belong here for however long they are here, please let us know. Your insights mean a whole lot.

[JGarrick]

To Boulderbabe and Mom2blessings...

I'm not sure that anything my foster parents might have done differently would have mattered. However, rereading my last post I can see that I gave the wrong impression about my foster parents.

Again, I don't think my foster mom ever deliberately meant to be unkind, but would sometimes say things that were disturbing nonetheless. Some days I'd hear things like "if your mom came back for you, we wouldn't let you go." That was reassuring, but even at a fairly young age I was completely aware of my situation as a ward of the state, and I knew they would be pretty powerless to interfere with the whims of a social worker I saw once or twice a year. On top of that, simplying saying so was another reminder that maybe my birth mom would come back and try to reunite me with my siblings. At other times I'd hear comments like "if you don't like it here, you can call your social worker and ask to be moved." To be fair, I have to say that she never threatened to have me moved against my will, but I didn't see it as being any different. I have to also say that I certainly must have been a handful for her. I was never in trouble with the law or in school (well, nothing more than typical kid stuff), nor was I ever violent or destructive, but I probably didn't pass up many opportunities for a fight, and she was a rather strict disciplinarian, so we meshed like mismatched sprockets.

As for my foster mom's attitude about my birth mom, I can only say it was unremarkable given the circumstances. In those days I doubt anyone considered the psychology of ripping on a kid's birth mom, and something like alcoholism was considered a character flaw, not a disease to be managed. My foster mom honestly believed that a woman's place was in the home and that "till death do us part" was non-negotiable, and it was simply unfathomable to her that a mother would walk away from a husband and nine kids.

Having said all that, the real problem is that I simply knew I wasn't theirs, and never would be, but that was due to the diffent times and circumstances, not to my foster parents. It was all quite matter-of-fact. I had a birth father, and a swarm of siblings I didn't live with, and an alcoholic birth mother incapable of caring for us, and was a ward of the state, and that was that. At the time, more or less permanent foster care was accepted as the solution. There was no time limit or insistence on either reunification or adoption as there is today.

Consider this in order to put the environment of the time in perspective: I had a foster brother growing up. From what I knew, his birth parents had vanished into thin air. I don't recall ever hearing of a visit, a phone call, or even a card. They were just gone. My foster parents asked to adopt him, and it took years to get it approved. They finally did complete the adoption when he was in his early teens. In my case, there was no point in even asking, because my father never gave up his rights (and in fact made a good effort to keep us as close as the situation would allow). They probably would have tried to adopt me as well, if there had ever been any hope of doing so. My life growing up wasn't heaven, nor was it hell. It was purgatory.