[lillamb]

I am 24 years old. I was put into foster care when I was 14 along with my 12 year old brother. We eventually went to live with my paternal uncle and his wife, who happend to be licensed to do foster care. While I was in FC I was treated horribley!! It was defenitely a Cinderella story though. My FM was wicked by all means and favored her own children considerably. She even allowed her children to beat on us as a form of punishment. We were physically, emotionally, and mentally abused. I moved out when I was 18 and finished my senior year of HS on my own. I am now engaged to be married and from my own perspective VERY successful in life. I own a brand new home and new car. I have a great family and am by all means blessed. I do, however, take medications for anxiety and depression. I also have a weight problem that I never had until I turned 18. It is more emotionally caused than anything. Because of my unfortuante experience I am getting into FC myself and I am going to be totally different than my experience! I have not had contact with my ** since then and I miss her terribly. My dad and I have a decent relationship and I wish I could share that with my **. It is my opinion that whether you are a bio mom or a foster mom or something in between, it doesn't matter. All I needed was a mom that loved me and treated me like I was her daughter. That's all I asked for. I wish that I could have a different relationship with my aunt, but it's hard for me to forgive her because I've seen her do this to so many kids.

[neema.arezo]

I think this thread is great b/c there are so many different stories and we can all learn and better ourselves from them.

After reading through all the post there is ONE common component: Be Loving!

There are good and bad people everywhere unfortunately there are also good and bad foster parents/adoptive parents.

I think it is always in the best interest of a child for the child to be in a forever family BUT only if it is a loving situation. I know I'm not perfect but I do try as a foster parent and I have learned a lot form these posts (like leaving the door open for the foster child to call the sw if he wants to leave).

I have only had one placement since finishing the classes (9 months ago) and we treat our fc as if he were our own child. We have made it clear to him that we love him and want him in our home. We have had LONG conversations about what is in his best interest - school, manners, behaviors, etc. We even talked about mistakes he will make and mistakes we will make... Things are NOT perfect by far but we are working towards a common goal....

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by Barksum

Mom2: I asked Dh if he wished that he'd been kept together with his sibs and he was shaking his head no before I even finished my sentence. As with everything in adoption there are many fascets to this whole question about siblings and keeping them together.

This can be a wonderful gift for siblings; it can also be a very tragic continuence of abuse. Sometimes abusive patterns are so instilled into children that to keep them together does not allow either the abuser or the abusee to break out of the cycle. Some children need to not live together for the best to be brought about for both of them. This is not the case in every situation, and sometimes children can be placed back together after a time. It really just depends on the individuals an their situations.

Anyway, Dh does not regret not growing up in the same household as his sibs. He did have contact with some of this sibs while growing up. Additionally, each of the sibs has dealt with their foster care experiences in a different way, but they fall roughly into two groups. One group has wanted to put all the abuses and problems as far behind them as possible, the other groups seem to be 'stuck' right where they were when the abuses happened, not every able to get beyond them. This is not to say that either group has wholly healed and "conquored" the issues they face, they just deal, or don't deal with them in different ways. Some function better in general, being self sufficient and able to cope with society in general, while others continue to be only partially able to function in society.

For Dh and his sibs living with bio family was bad; living in foster care was not always better. If they had each had the proper care and support while in the foster system I believe they would have done much better than they (in general) have done. Or at least they would have not had to sink quite so low before finding resources themselves to deal with their problems.

I don't know when all of these new responses got here! Usually, I'm notified by email that there's a new response.

I do understand that sometimes it's for the best that siblings not be placed together. Thanks again for asking your dh for me. You and your hubby have been a big help.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by neema.arezo

I was adopted as an infant in 68. I spent a short time in foster care so I do not have a lot memories of foster care but I can tell you that I thank God every day that I was adopted – now that I’m older anyway.

My parents were always open with me about being adopted and even in my rebellious stage, I was happy they had adopted me.

I had always considered fostering to adopt but for some reason or another kept putting it off. I guess I was afraid of not being a good foster parent… anyway. Last year, when I became a visiting resource and started the foster parenting classes, I started thinking about my adoption again. I decided to find my bio parents – if for no other reason to find out my medical history. Getting the records took a very long time but it only took me 7 days to find both of my bio parents. I spoke with both of them… That was VERY emotional for all of us. I was happy I found them. I was happy that I learned about my medical history. BUT, after having the conversation with them and learning about their life, I thanked God again for giving me such wonderful loving parents.

Rambling…. I will answer you questions directly:

Did you feel like you “belonged”? YES, everyone from aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. always made me feel special and I knew/know that this is my family. (Teen age years were not perfect and I was NOT an easy child. The only time I did not feel like I belonged was when I chose not to belong… even with all the rebellion on my part I still knew I was theirs.)

Are you glad you were adopted? YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Did you have an open adoption? I don’t think they had those back then. BUT my parents always answered questions and they were willing to help me look for my bio parents (I did not want to look for them.)

If not, do you wish you had an open adoption? NO and this has been reinforced by my reunification with bio parents. I do not talk to my bio family now by choice.

Do you think all adopted children would benefit from therapy? This would depend on the situation but if you do want a yes or no answer… I would have to say yes. I say this because there were times that I wondered why my “real” parents (bio) didn’t want me. I did not want to talk to mom and dad about it b/c I did not want to hurt their feelings.

I hope this gave you another point of view. I know that everyone’s situation was not like mine but, if you are here, there is a good chance you could offer this to a child in need of a forever family.

This does give me more perspective. I teared up reading how your felt like you belonged. It was just such a blessing to read that you exist (meaning an adopted child who felt like they belonged). Thank you for your response.

[eomaia]

My husband was abused by his father from the time he was 6 until he was big enough to fight back at 12. Because of repeated head trama, he has memory problems. He says he frequently wished that he'd be put in foster care to get away from his dad. His mother finally left his dad, but by then he was 13 and very mistrusting of adults and hating everyone. He got in a fight with his stepdad and pulled a knife and got put in a group home. The rest of his teen years were spent in group homes, running away from group homes, living on the street and being sent to live with various relatives.

No one bothered to teach him to drive or balance a checkbook. No one came to see him play in his high school football or baseball games. It seems like everyone saw him as a problem child and didn't connect his behavior with the abuse he'd received as a child.

I think much of our problems now trace back to his abusive childhood, the fact that no one taught him basic life skills, and the lack of a good example of what fathers are supposed to do.

[ocracoke]

I was removed from my bio family when I was 5.5 years old. My bio dad had just died, I was the 3rd of six children and my bio mom was pregnant. The state stepped in after many of the neighbors complained about us. I was in 3 foster families in 2 years (with one bio sister). I was placed in my adoptive family at 7.5 years old. I was placed with one of my bio sisters. I lost 2 sisters and 3 brothers in the adoption process.

I always felt like this was the family that I was meant to be in. I had been removed from my home due to abuse and neglect (and dss didn't know the half of it) and placed with a couple who actually were not looking to become parents. They were engaged when they met my sister and I and knew that we were meant to be their children. So they moved up their wedding date and got us. While their marriage didn't last, it didn't mean that it wasn't the perfect family for me. My extended family was also very accepting of us.

I am 38 now. I am single -- never married. You might be able to trace that back to some childhood trauma but I think it probably has more to do with my control issues. And I am an adoptive mother of a 2.5 year old. I love adoption. I actually never really wanted to have a biological child. I tried to but it turned out I have fertility issues. I was never so relieved as when I finally decided to turn to adoption. Tonight my mom, myself and my daughter were sitting in the porch swing and I thought how strange it must be for some people for these 3 females to be so close and have no genetic link. I love it.

I know my life is completely different because of my adoptive family. I went to college, I was given opportunities, I lived in different places. I know I would not have had these things in my bio family. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. That being said, I did search and find my bio mom as an adult. It ws important for me at some point to actually ask the questions. Although, I understood that I probably wouldn't get the answers I wanted. My bio mom did not really understand how her decisions affected the lives of 7 other people who completed depended on her. And it wasn't just her decision to sign the tpr as they were walking into court. It was her decisions to not watch us, to bring strange men into our lives, to drink, to forget to go food shopping, to never take us to a doctor. Maybe it was too painful for her to face. So her 7 children had to face it instead.

The original poster asked if foster children would benefit from therapy. I personally believe that at some point or another I think that ALL people benefit from therapy. It is helpful to have a disinterested person help you to examine the things in your life. It is self education. Therapy is not just for those who have experienced a major trauma.

I also think that one of the things that helped me a lot was that my adoptive parents talked about and allowed us to talk about our bio family all the time. It was not just an occassional conversation. I felt encouraged to bring it up at any time. For a number of years I lived in the same town as I had lived with with my bio family so I ran into reminders all the time. And since I lost 5 siblings in the adoption process it was important for me to remember them and talk about them. It is a part of our family history and I never had to feel ashamed about it or keep it a secret. This openness eventually led to me trusting the people around me to reveal the bio family secrets to my adoptive family.

I do not in any way, shape, or form, regret being adopted. It is afterall, how I became me.

Samantha

[jerseygray]

I was in a completely different situation as a child but there is one thing in common with other situations posted so I thought I would add my two cents. My blood father (who loved all his children very much) died when I was two years old. My mother married my dad when I was five years old. He is the best thing that ever happened to my sister, mother and I. He is very much our father and we his daughters. However, he never adopted us. I asked him, as a fairly young child, why. He didn't think it mattered since we were girls. NEVER make a comment like that, ever. His thinking was entirely logical. Eventually our names would change when we married anyway and he already considered himself our father so he didn't feel he needed the paperwork. But it was very hurtful to a young girl who took it to mean (at that time) that since I was a girl I wasn't worth adopting. I already had some insecurity issues then from having lost my blood father and his family disowning my sister and I while still keeping my (half)brother in the family. As an adult in my late twenties, I know now that my dad did not mean what he said the way I took it, but I did carry that comment for a long time. The paperwork does indeed mean something. In my case, my dad was also very obviously not my bio dad as I am very white and he is not white. My family was different which is hard on a child. The most important thing to give a child is ACCEPTANCE and LOVE as well as make them feel SECURE. It is very hard for a child to be thrust from one life to an entirely different life. Your scared, you cling to NOT your mother, but your big sis who has been the only consistent part of your five years of existence. Every child adjusts differently. My sister, brother and I each handled the situation differently (my brother grew up with his mother who had several remarriages, we reconnected as teenagers). I know this is not the situation you were asking about but I hope this post can still be of use to you. I'm sorry if I rambled, I really just wanted to say the paperwork does mean something. The marraige metaphor was an excellent metaphor.

[ocracoke]

jersey,

Have you considered doing an adult adoption? I mean it won't take away the childhood issues but it would legally make you his daughter now.

Samantha

[jerseygray]

Sorry I didn't respond to you, I hadn't been able to get online last few days. As to your question, I never really considered it. I didn't really know you could adopt someone who's an adult actually. I'm 28 and married, trying to adopt myself (and get pregnant hopefully), it just seems like I'm a little old to be asking my dad to adopt me, you know. I just looked at the date on the post I'm replying to, I am really sorry, I was not meaning to be rude, I've just been spending pretty much all my evenings talking/thinking/researching/stressing over the adoption we are so badly hoping will happen.

[JessicaBaker]

Let me apologize for having no experience to add to this thread. Then let me say how much reading this thread has meant to me. I was so sorry to reach the last post. DH and I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter who we fostered after she left the hospital after her birth. We finalized her adoption nearly one year ago! I can't help but wonder how she would reply to this thread twenty years down the road.
This thread inspires me to be the very best mom to her that I can possibly be (although I certainly was trying to do that before reading this LOL). It also inspires me to get back on that list and do the fostering to adopt again!
Thank you mom2blessings and others!

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by jerseygray

Sorry I didn't respond to you, I hadn't been able to get online last few days. As to your question, I never really considered it. I didn't really know you could adopt someone who's an adult actually. I'm 28 and married, trying to adopt myself (and get pregnant hopefully), it just seems like I'm a little old to be asking my dad to adopt me, you know. I just looked at the date on the post I'm replying to, I am really sorry, I was not meaning to be rude, I've just been spending pretty much all my evenings talking/thinking/researching/stressing over the adoption we are so badly hoping will happen.

I have friends that did that! They unofficially took in the friend of one of their daughter's when she was a teen and was kicked out of her home. (really, this was years ago - if it happened today i'm sure this girl would have been in foster care for neglect). Anyway, her own parents completely wrote her off - she never went "home", but it wasn't until she was 23 that she asked to be adopted. Adults absolutely CAN be adopted, and the great thing is that they are the only one that needs to give permission at that point! I know at the age of 28 it is more symbolic than anything (although it does affect inheritance rights!) but it can heal the heart-wounds for some people.

[Larrisa07]

Did you feel like you "belonged"? With my Adoptive family there was alot of kids. I felt more like a work horse then a child. Myadoptive father was a good man and treated me really well along with all the other children. My Adopted mother had times where she was nice but mainly she worked us like dogs cleaning her house every day and doing lawn work. After my adoptive father died she told us we killed him from all the stress we put him under, i couldnt take it any more so i moved out and lived with my boyfriend.


Are you glad you were adopted? The only reason i was happy to be adopted was because of my adoptive father. i never had a father figure in my life and i finally had one, one that was a good man and wouldnt hurt me or anything. i mainly wasnt because i didnt feel like my adoptedmother loved me and she always put the kids down. i didnt feel like i was at home with that family, and i loved my real mother dearly i was really close to her and she meant the world to me, i was nine when i was taken away.

Did you have an open adoption? no i wasnt allowed to see my mother untill i turned 18, which i am now and i really want to find her.

If not, do you wish you had an open adoption? yes i wish i did

Do you think all adopted children would benefit from therapy? lord knows every one needs therapy but a good therepist is what is needed. i had one that pretty much played games and colored with me and that didnt help at all.

In your opinion, what can an adoptive family do help the children adopted from foster care the most?
The most helpful thing to do is honestly care for the child and treat them as if they were your own. thats what i would have wanted, and dont get offended when they say they want to find their birth parents. mostly its for closur but sometimes its to find some one whos blood. they wont see you any different and there not trying to replace you just like your not trying to replace there real mother. just listen and help your children when they need you the most.

I hope this helps

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by JessicaBaker

Let me apologize for having no experience to add to this thread. Then let me say how much reading this thread has meant to me. I was so sorry to reach the last post. DH and I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter who we fostered after she left the hospital after her birth. We finalized her adoption nearly one year ago! I can't help but wonder how she would reply to this thread twenty years down the road.
This thread inspires me to be the very best mom to her that I can possibly be (although I certainly was trying to do that before reading this LOL). It also inspires me to get back on that list and do the fostering to adopt again!
Thank you mom2blessings and others!

You have come to this thread for the same reason that I started it...to educate myself.

I have now been doing foster care for a year and I currently have 2 foster children, twin boys. They will be leaving soon to go to their forever family. I love them dearly but I know that my family is not their best choice, though I can't convince them of that right now. One of my boys says he doesn't want to go back home and he doesn't want his birth family. The other desperately wants to go home. I'm worried that these boys will some day regret their foster care experience, especially J.P. On the other hand, I'm completely convinced that IF the boys were sent home today, they would be miserable very quickly. I have come to believe that these boys LIKE the normalcy, teetering on boring in some ways, they experience. Going back to the wild parties, drugs, cussing and fighting, police visits and beatings would no longer be "comforting".

Because of the replies on this board, I make sure that I do not talk badly about the boys parents. Or any of the other children who've come my home (15 so far this year). I remind them frequently that it's okay to both love their parents AND be angry at them, all at the same time. I made sure that I put THEIR pictures up with my other children's

See, I was taking notes

I'm enjoying being a foster parent very much and I greatly appreciate all the people who've added their comments to this board. You have all helped me be a better foster parent...and hopefully one day, a better adoptive parent.

[aimeek]

I do not have any real experience to add, but I would like to add a comment. I lived in a blended family with divorced parents. My father remarried and so I had a new step brother and then eventually a half sister. Because of my fathers work schedule I would visit all summer long and rarely during the school year. Even though this was family it was almost the same as a foster relationship. I was forced to go even though I did not want to and the time spent there was not really a vacation at all. I was the maid and babysitter. My step brother could do no wrong and my sister was only a "baby." My step mother told my father all kinds of things about me that were not true, as if I was a terrible person. And at his fault he just was not able to stand up for me. So I spent a ton if years resenting my family for how they treated me. Then one day I just stopped letting them control my adulthood. Once I did that it made me a ton happier. I do see that part of my family a coulple times a year, but that is as far as it goes. They can and will never understand how they treated me. But I also know that had it not been for that experince and my wonderful husband I would never be the person that I am. We love being foster parents and it helps to be able to relate some experience even if it is not actual "foster" experience.


We had some foster children that we had for a while go into relative care. Thankfully the kids attorney gave us the phone number to contact the relatives. We still miss them very much and I know that it has helped them transition a little better. Having this experience I have also learned that... at times the relative does not realize exactly how much work goes into caring full time for children that they did not give birth to, and for some of them, they have never even met them. So then I have to hope and pray that it works out for them long term. I have heard the relative on the phone and you can tell the changes in their voices about how reality is hitting with 2 new kiddos.

ok, so thanks for listening. I hope that I have made sense in all of this rambling.

I would like to offer my gracious thanks to all the people that have posted on here. I love hearing all of the experinces and it really helps. As it was not our original plan, but it looks like we will probably adopt via foster care and the advise on how to talk to her about it really helps me a lot.

[aprizzle]

Did you feel like you "belonged"?
I always felt like i belonged. The way my foster parents treated their foster childeren where more as if we had came from my foster mothers belly. ( foster parents are my adoptive parents) If there was not the pegmint change people wouldnt have known we were not theres. (im black my parents are white.)

Are you glad you were adopted?
Yes I am very glad that i am adopted. I wouldnt change it for the world. They chose me and i chose them. I am lucky to have had the LUCK of being placed in there care.

Did you have an open adoption?
Yes

If your adoption was open, are you glad that it was?
Is I am glad it was open!! I come from a sibling group of 4 me being the only girl and the baby. I was NEVER DENIDED the RIGHT to have contect with my siblings. BIO-MOM was more in the picture when i was younger and after she went to prison there were just letters and gifts.
Do you think all adopted children would benefit from therapy?
YES

In your opinion, what can an adoptive family do help the children adopted from foster care the most?
Let them understand that this is the LAST STOP on the BUS. What ever you do will not make us send you packing and that they love them. Talk about their questions and ANSWER THEM TRUTHFULLY. Even though it may be painful to tell them the hole truth with holding information can come back and bit ya in the but. Let them know that there felling tward there experience was not their fault and their bio-mother.