[Barksum]

This is a very interesting thread. It has been interesting to read through the responses and see so many similarities, even if the feelings and responses to the situation differed.

I'm the spouse of a child who was in foster care from age 2 until he aged out of the system. Over the years we've discussed his feelings about foster care. He also was separated from siblings, and barred from contact. (This was common practise in the early 1960's.) He bounced around a bit, having 4 or 5 foster homes from age two until he was about age five. Some were abusive, some were ok, some were less than thrilled to have him in the home and he knew it. His cw doesn't seem to have been all that attuned to his needs, either.

At age 5 he was placed in a foster home where he stayed until he aged out of the system. They knew nothing of his experiences prior to coming to them. Dh never told them about the abuses he had suffered in other homes. He also never discussed them with his cw's. I asked him why not. He said that he didn't trust the cw's, and he was ashamed and scared, and it was all too private, to tell his parents. I think his exact words were something like, "Yeah, like I'd give myself a papercut and THEN pour lemon juice on it." Neither the cw or his parents ever asked, either. This seems strange now, but at the time there was no real training offerred or required for foster parents, certainly nothing about abuses and how to discuss them. I'm not sure what cw's were being trained to think at the time, but much of the beliefs held by the psych professionals at the time have been disproven or drastically changed in the last decade.

His new family wanted to adopt him but were not allowed to. In the state where he resided foster parents were encouraged to not work too hard to bond with their foster children thus leaving them free to continue to maintain love and bonding with their bio family. They were also barred, at least in practise if not by law, from adoption. This belief and the resulting trend only began to change in the late 1970's and up even into the mid-1990's through foster parents suing the state to be allowed to adopt their foster children, and then through a class action lawsuit on behalf of foster children in the state. Additionally, parental rights of both bio parents were never terminated, and his bio parents were not in a position to parent, so he remained in legal limbo.

He says that he knows his parents (foster) loved him and wanted him to be their legal son so he didn't feel unloved or unwanted by them. However, he also knew that at any time the cw could show up at the door and he would be forced to move. He also knew that his parents could not afford a lawyer to fight for him in court, so the move would be largely uncontested. This constant possibility of being moved created alot of anxiety for him, and he had some difficulties because of it. The 'piece of paper' is VERY important to a child; it means that he is legally and bindingly part of that family. It means that all the teachers at school have to call him by THAT last name. It means he belongs and no one can say, "Oh, he's JUST your foster son."

He had many difficulties in early adulthood due to his parents' (sorry, FOSTER parents') deaths and being left totally alone without familial support. As with many children who've experienced early childhood trauma, and with the ongoing trauma of a lack of permanent legal stability, he struggled to mature within the same timeframe as "normal" teens his age. Being booted rather abruptly into Real Life when his parents' died was a bit distressing and he was rather unprepared both mentally and logistically for independant living.

He did 'reunite' with bio family when in his mid-20's. The sibs remain fragmented, some in contact with each other, some in contact with only one other sibling, etc. Some of the famiy are functioning well, while others are in varying degrees of dysfunction. The bio parents are now also deceased.

He had minimal face-to-face contact with bio parents while growing up, but at about age 10 or so he requested that he not have to meet with either bio parent. He did apologize to his bio parents for this when he met them again as an adult. His bio father was understanding, his bio mom less so. She maintained more of a fantasy view of the situation than what the facts (at least those known to me) would support. (ie: that she really could have reunited all the siblings, parented them, and maintained a happy home life in spite of her alcoholism and other issues.)

I've asked my Dh if he was sad he was not left with his bio family. He looked at me in frank disbelief that I would ask such a thing; he is eternally grateful that he was not raised by his bio parents. While he is sad and hurt by the abuses sufferred, and the trauma involved in his life, he loves his parents very much and is glad for the time he had with them. So much so that he had his last name changed to that of his deceased foster parents' just prior to our marriage.

A few years after we were married we became foster parents. We have also adopted from foster care. Through this process Dh has been able to face many old memories and the residual effects. He's a wonderful husband and father. He is reliable, stable and kind. Our life is pretty much like anyone else's. We have ups and downs, he has his own little foibles, I have mine. We each have to be patient with the other's hang ups. Yes, there are residuals from being abused. Yes, there are residuals from being in foster care, and also from not being adopted. We are all shaped by our experiences. Dh has made a concentrated effort to not be defined by the negative things that happened to him, but rather to live happily and with responsibility in spite of them.

As one other poster mentioned, he "found religion" with his family (foster...sorry LOL) and this has been the single most important gift his parents gave to him. It is what he clung to through the really difficult times. And just so you know, there were some extremely difficult times. I've not given many details, but his life was not easy, and there were many dark periods. He began to make significant progress in his late 20's and has continued to do well from that point on.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by Barksum

This is a very interesting thread. It has been interesting to read through the responses and see so many similarities, even if the feelings and responses to the situation differed.

I'm the spouse of a child who was in foster care from age 2 until he aged out of the system. Over the years we've discussed his feelings about foster care. He also was separated from siblings, and barred from contact. (This was common practise in the early 1960's.) He bounced around a bit, having 4 or 5 foster homes from age two until he was about age five. Some were abusive, some were ok, some were less than thrilled to have him in the home and he knew it. His cw doesn't seem to have been all that attuned to his needs, either.

At age 5 he was placed in a foster home where he stayed until he aged out of the system. They knew nothing of his experiences prior to coming to them. Dh never told them about the abuses he had suffered in other homes. He also never discussed them with his cw's. I asked him why not. He said that he didn't trust the cw's, and he was ashamed and scared, and it was all too private, to tell his parents. I think his exact words were something like, "Yeah, like I'd give myself a papercut and THEN pour lemon juice on it." Neither the cw or his parents ever asked, either. This seems strange now, but at the time there was no real training offerred or required for foster parents, certainly nothing about abuses and how to discuss them. I'm not sure what cw's were being trained to think at the time, but much of the beliefs held by the psych professionals at the time have been disproven or drastically changed in the last decade.

His new family wanted to adopt him but were not allowed to. In the state where he resided foster parents were encouraged to not work too hard to bond with their foster children thus leaving them free to continue to maintain love and bonding with their bio family. They were also barred, at least in practise if not by law, from adoption. This belief and the resulting trend only began to change in the late 1970's and up even into the mid-1990's through foster parents suing the state to be allowed to adopt their foster children, and then through a class action lawsuit on behalf of foster children in the state. Additionally, parental rights of both bio parents were never terminated, and his bio parents were not in a position to parent, so he remained in legal limbo.

He says that he knows his parents (foster) loved him and wanted him to be their legal son so he didn't feel unloved or unwanted by them. However, he also knew that at any time the cw could show up at the door and he would be forced to move. He also knew that his parents could not afford a lawyer to fight for him in court, so the move would be largely uncontested. This constant possibility of being moved created alot of anxiety for him, and he had some difficulties because of it. The 'piece of paper' is VERY important to a child; it means that he is legally and bindingly part of that family. It means that all the teachers at school have to call him by THAT last name. It means he belongs and no one can say, "Oh, he's JUST your foster son."

He had many difficulties in early adulthood due to his parents' (sorry, FOSTER parents') deaths and being left totally alone without familial support. As with many children who've experienced early childhood trauma, and with the ongoing trauma of a lack of permanent legal stability, he struggled to mature within the same timeframe as "normal" teens his age. Being booted rather abruptly into Real Life when his parents' died was a bit distressing and he was rather unprepared both mentally and logistically for independant living.

He did 'reunite' with bio family when in his mid-20's. The sibs remain fragmented, some in contact with each other, some in contact with only one other sibling, etc. Some of the famiy are functioning well, while others are in varying degrees of dysfunction. The bio parents are now also deceased.

He had minimal face-to-face contact with bio parents while growing up, but at about age 10 or so he requested that he not have to meet with either bio parent. He did apologize to his bio parents for this when he met them again as an adult. His bio father was understanding, his bio mom less so. She maintained more of a fantasy view of the situation than what the facts (at least those known to me) would support. (ie: that she really could have reunited all the siblings, parented them, and maintained a happy home life in spite of her alcoholism and other issues.)

I've asked my Dh if he was sad he was not left with his bio family. He looked at me in frank disbelief that I would ask such a thing; he is eternally grateful that he was not raised by his bio parents. While he is sad and hurt by the abuses sufferred, and the trauma involved in his life, he loves his parents very much and is glad for the time he had with them. So much so that he had his last name changed to that of his deceased foster parents' just prior to our marriage.

A few years after we were married we became foster parents. We have also adopted from foster care. Through this process Dh has been able to face many old memories and the residual effects. He's a wonderful husband and father. He is reliable, stable and kind. Our life is pretty much like anyone else's. We have ups and downs, he has his own little foibles, I have mine. We each have to be patient with the other's hang ups. Yes, there are residuals from being abused. Yes, there are residuals from being in foster care, and also from not being adopted. We are all shaped by our experiences. Dh has made a concentrated effort to not be defined by the negative things that happened to him, but rather to live happily and with responsibility in spite of them.

As one other poster mentioned, he "found religion" with his family (foster...sorry LOL) and this has been the single most important gift his parents gave to him. It is what he clung to through the really difficult times. And just so you know, there were some extremely difficult times. I've not given many details, but his life was not easy, and there were many dark periods. He began to make significant progress in his late 20's and has continued to do well from that point on.

Thank you for going to the extra trouble of asking your dh about this. I've been amazed at the differences and the similarities of everyone. Does your husband wish he had more of a relationship with his siblings? One of the reasons I wanted to do this is to keep siblings together.

I appreciate all the posts here. For a while, I was beginning to think that foster care/adoption did more damage than good for most kids. I hope I'm getting a more accurate view now, but on the other boards that I read, where the mother voluntarily gave up her child because of her age and/or lack of ability to take care of the child, the adult children seem to all regret it. Almost all of the first moms seem to regret it. Even in the cases of open adoptions. I started this thread wondering is it the same with foster kids who are adopted.

Thank you for the insight! I've said it before, but it's still true...every response seems to shed some more light on the topic. And hopefully that will make me a better foster mom.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by Mom2blessings

but on the other boards that I read, where the mother voluntarily gave up her child because of her age and/or lack of ability to take care of the child, the adult children seem to all regret it. Almost all of the first moms seem to regret it. Even in the cases of open adoptions.

I wonder if that is because you aren't seeing a real cross section on the boards? I'm thinking that people seek support when they need it - so more people on those kinds of boards are going to be the ones hurting and struggling with it. The ones who are happy and satisfied with their lives might not feel any need to talk about it, or feel drawn to a community of other adoptees. So maybe you were only hearing the squeaky wheels?

[pg13209]

Ok,
Gee lots of questions.
Reunited adoptee here who was adopted out of social services I was in foster care for about three and a half months I know that does not sound like alot of time but I was between several different households.
I was a closed adoption, I am glad I was adopted after finding bfamily for I would not have had a very good life if I had not been adopted out.
Yes unitl I found her I felt out of place, but then again I was very sensitive about the whole adoption thing.
My aparents were infertile for 16 years before they had my brother and sister. I brought joy into their loves that they otherwise would not have had.
eveyone in my situation said that it was the best thing for me. But there are other adoptees out there that do not feel the same way.
hope this helped a little

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

I wonder if that is because you aren't seeing a real cross section on the boards? I'm thinking that people seek support when they need it - so more people on those kinds of boards are going to be the ones hurting and struggling with it. The ones who are happy and satisfied with their lives might not feel any need to talk about it, or feel drawn to a community of other adoptees. So maybe you were only hearing the squeaky wheels?

After reading the stories on this board, I do believe you are right (thank goodness). I was almost to the point of feeling that adoption was "abusive" to some (or most) kids. But with hindsight on my side, more time to process what I was reading, reading more on the topic of adoption, and listening to all of your stories, I have a decidedly different opinion.

At that time, it occurred to me that I may not be getting an accurate view of the effects of adoption. Especially since the types of adoption were so different. So this entire question was posed with the hopes of learning more about the effects of adoption on a foster child...and it has evolved to include the effects of being a foster child. Knowledge is power...and you can't get this kind of knowledge in IMPACT class, IMO.

[Mom2blessings]

Paula,

Every response helps me. I thank you for your honesty.

I've read other foster/adoptees who felt the same as you (out of place until they met their birth family). After reading so many who feel that way, if I do adopt I will so pursue an open adoption if the children want it AND if it's a safe situation for us to have one.

God bless you!

[mrsred]

Another factor in the difference between adoptees who were voluntarily placed at birth and those that were removed from birth parents due to neglect/abuse/addiction: The adoptees and the birthparents that placed at birth have a fantasy of what life could/would have been like without placement. The kids that were removed know what life was like with birthparent(s). It was not knowing when or if the next meal would come. It was trying to be as small and quiet as possible so that mom wouldn't notice you while in a drunken rage. It was laying in a crib in soaking wet diapers crying for hours while nobody came - because nobody was there. It was pretending to be asleep so step-dad wouldn't want you to perform unimaginable acts on him.
The foster system is not perfect, but it does offer some hope for the hopeless and for the children that find the loving forever family it offers redemption.

[vegaschristina]

I'm a f/a mom with 3 kids (2 are still fostering, but we're hoping to move to adoption soon). I have a sibling group, and reading this thread makes me want to cry for the experiences of some, and makes me so very mad for the people who caused those experiences.

I hope that my kids, down the road, will all have positive things to say about their adoptions. I have identifying info on the bmom so that when the children are ready, my dh and I will help them find her. It's our true hope that when they do, it will be a wonderful her, finally free from her current issues and ready to be a positive part of their lives.

[Barksum]

Mom2: I asked Dh if he wished that he'd been kept together with his sibs and he was shaking his head no before I even finished my sentence. As with everything in adoption there are many fascets to this whole question about siblings and keeping them together.

This can be a wonderful gift for siblings; it can also be a very tragic continuence of abuse. Sometimes abusive patterns are so instilled into children that to keep them together does not allow either the abuser or the abusee to break out of the cycle. Some children need to not live together for the best to be brought about for both of them. This is not the case in every situation, and sometimes children can be placed back together after a time. It really just depends on the individuals an their situations.

Anyway, Dh does not regret not growing up in the same household as his sibs. He did have contact with some of this sibs while growing up. Additionally, each of the sibs has dealt with their foster care experiences in a different way, but they fall roughly into two groups. One group has wanted to put all the abuses and problems as far behind them as possible, the other groups seem to be 'stuck' right where they were when the abuses happened, not every able to get beyond them. This is not to say that either group has wholly healed and "conquored" the issues they face, they just deal, or don't deal with them in different ways. Some function better in general, being self sufficient and able to cope with society in general, while others continue to be only partially able to function in society.

For Dh and his sibs living with bio family was bad; living in foster care was not always better. If they had each had the proper care and support while in the foster system I believe they would have done much better than they (in general) have done. Or at least they would have not had to sink quite so low before finding resources themselves to deal with their problems.

[RBrown1971r]

[quote=Mom2blessings]
You mentioned that we shouldn't introduce the children as foster children. I've really given this alot of thought before now. This is kind of awkward for me because I'm not sure what the child would want me to introduce them as. I don't want them to feel obligated to call me "Mama" I guess I'll cross that bridge when it happens, because I'm sure every child will be different. My general plan is to introduce myself by my name at first, then after they settled in give them some names that they can call me by: "Aunt Michelle" "Mom" "Mama" "Mommy" or even just "Michelle" if they'd like.

They will come up with their own names. I usually called mine "Micheal's parents." It made it feel like I was just visiting with them. I don't ever remember calling any of my foster parents by any other name.
Rhonda

[RBrown1971r]

[quote=Boulderbabe]Rhonda,

You know, you're about the eighth or ninth former foster child that I've heard talk about pictures. It must be so disorienting---if that's the right word---to have no pictures, no evidence about your own past.

I make at least a small album for each kid that comes through, no matter how short a time they stay. I hope someday these little albums will mean something to them.....if only to let them know how much their foster families really loved and cared about them.

It is very hard when you have children of your own. They want to look at your pictures growing up. When you have next to none...well. Let's just say it really sucks when your children feel sorry for you. I tracked down some pictures from yearbooks (schools I could remember) & relatives. I can document most of my life now.
Rhonda

[RBrown1971r]

[quote=Boulderbabe]I can't remember where I read this, but there is some research that shows that having their pictures displayed is *really* psychologically important to children. It shows them that they are valued enough to be displayed with pride. I know my son (age 3) is fascinated by the pictures of him that are on display in the house, and he asks me about them all the time.

It makes sense. Even my 14 y/o son (he'd never admit this around his friends) wants to go through the albums & Hope Chest all the time. They seem to love hearing their personal stories & see their little clothes. I recently gave them a diary I kept during my pregnancy & up till they were toddlers. I wish now that I had found the time to continue because they poured over that diary for hours. They love their baby books. I have no problem getting my kids to take family portraits. My son doesn't like individual ones though. They have family portraits put up in their bedrooms even though they are displayed throughout the house.
Rhonda

[RBrown1971r]

[quote= We are all shaped by our experiences. Dh has made a concentrated effort to not be defined by the negative things that happened to him, but rather to live happily and with responsibility in spite of them.
[/QUOTE]

This is exactly how I feel. I decided long ago that to be angry would let "them" win. My children & husband make allowances for the residual effects of my abuse & subsequent foster care experiences.
Rhonda

[Barksum]

Rhonda:

Exactly. Once Dh told me about his negative experiences (ie: abuse) in foster care the penny finally dropped and I was able to understand WHY he treated me in certain ways. One example is that he often kept me at arms' length emotionally, which I took personally until I understood that it wasn't really ME he was pushing back. It was more that he was being careful to protect himself from getting too close to me. We've worked on it and things are much better now, but for a few years it was very hurtful for BOTH of us. (I think it was like water toture for him and eventually it was easier to just let down some of his walls and let me in than to not! ) Now he remembers to tell me when he leaves the house, and even gives me kisses goodbye. We've come a loooong way - both of us working to understand the other.

[neema.arezo]

I was adopted as an infant in 68. I spent a short time in foster care so I do not have a lot memories of foster care but I can tell you that I thank God every day that I was adopted – now that I’m older anyway.

My parents were always open with me about being adopted and even in my rebellious stage, I was happy they had adopted me.

I had always considered fostering to adopt but for some reason or another kept putting it off. I guess I was afraid of not being a good foster parent… anyway. Last year, when I became a visiting resource and started the foster parenting classes, I started thinking about my adoption again. I decided to find my bio parents – if for no other reason to find out my medical history. Getting the records took a very long time but it only took me 7 days to find both of my bio parents. I spoke with both of them… That was VERY emotional for all of us. I was happy I found them. I was happy that I learned about my medical history. BUT, after having the conversation with them and learning about their life, I thanked God again for giving me such wonderful loving parents.

Rambling…. I will answer you questions directly:

Did you feel like you “belonged”? YES, everyone from aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. always made me feel special and I knew/know that this is my family. (Teen age years were not perfect and I was NOT an easy child. The only time I did not feel like I belonged was when I chose not to belong… even with all the rebellion on my part I still knew I was theirs.)

Are you glad you were adopted? YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Did you have an open adoption? I don’t think they had those back then. BUT my parents always answered questions and they were willing to help me look for my bio parents (I did not want to look for them.)

If not, do you wish you had an open adoption? NO and this has been reinforced by my reunification with bio parents. I do not talk to my bio family now by choice.

Do you think all adopted children would benefit from therapy? This would depend on the situation but if you do want a yes or no answer… I would have to say yes. I say this because there were times that I wondered why my “real” parents (bio) didn’t want me. I did not want to talk to mom and dad about it b/c I did not want to hurt their feelings.

I hope this gave you another point of view. I know that everyone’s situation was not like mine but, if you are here, there is a good chance you could offer this to a child in need of a forever family.