[stevenstwin]

This is an interesting thread. I often feel like I'm in a bit of different situation fostering a teen, though. I never know how to introduce him - he says just to introduce him by his name, but then people who know I don't have a teenage son ask questions. I don't want to introduce him as a foster son - BUT he doesn't want me to say "son". I've settled on - "This is A. He is staying with us right now", but it doesn't feel like a great compromise.

ps - as for the per diem - we get a bit more than $20 per day, but don't kid yourself - it does NOT cover his costs. He easily eats nearly that, and is very, very hard on his clothes (not to mention growing out of them constantly), so I definitely put more money of my own into him than what I get for support.

[SquirlyGirl]

This is such a great thread. I am a soon to be adoptive mom to 2 boys ages 12 & 9.

I have a question that I am struggling with. So far the boys have been calling us Mr D and Mrs. K. I would like for them to start calling us mom and dad, but I want to be sensative to their feelings for their mom and dad. To be fair I haven't brought it up to them yet, but am trying to figure out how to bring it up.

We know that they want to keep their last names when we finalize, I am hoping that we can convince them to hyphante their last names.

Did you feel it a betrayal of calling your adoptive parents "mom" and "dad"? Should we suggest alternatives? If so, like what, ma and pa? I really don't like ma.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

This is an interesting thread. I often feel like I'm in a bit of different situation fostering a teen, though. I never know how to introduce him - he says just to introduce him by his name, but then people who know I don't have a teenage son ask questions. I don't want to introduce him as a foster son - BUT he doesn't want me to say "son". I've settled on - "This is A. He is staying with us right now", but it doesn't feel like a great compromise.

ps - as for the per diem - we get a bit more than $20 per day, but don't kid yourself - it does NOT cover his costs. He easily eats nearly that, and is very, very hard on his clothes (not to mention growing out of them constantly), so I definitely put more money of my own into him than what I get for support.

I've really stressed myself about the whole introduction thing andI don't even have a FC yet. I guess I keep imagining how awkward I'd feel, and I'm assuming they will probably feel the same. I don't think I'd be comfortable with "mom"...maybe "Aunt" whoever.

I can't imagine spending more than 20 a day! My family of 6 (including one teenager) eats from 500 to 600 per month in groceries, so I will be in for a shock if the FC eat that much by themself.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by SquirlyGirl

This is such a great thread. I am a soon to be adoptive mom to 2 boys ages 12 & 9.

I have a question that I am struggling with. So far the boys have been calling us Mr D and Mrs. K. I would like for them to start calling us mom and dad, but I want to be sensative to their feelings for their mom and dad. To be fair I haven't brought it up to them yet, but am trying to figure out how to bring it up.

We know that they want to keep their last names when we finalize, I am hoping that we can convince them to hyphante their last names.

Did you feel it a betrayal of calling your adoptive parents "mom" and "dad"? Should we suggest alternatives? If so, like what, ma and pa? I really don't like ma.

Congratulations SG. Of course I'm not fostered or adopted, so I'm probably no help at all but I'm wondering why they don't want to call you "mom" or dh "dad" (or some form of it). You mentioned they don't want to change their last names either. Are they against the adoption? I think I'd probably get some family counseling on this.

I hope others will share their wisdom on this one.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by JGarrick

I tracked down a quote that puts the whole thing in a nutshell for me...."Clearly, the [foster family] never understood how important adoption was to me....I believe that their position was based on the notion--shared by many people involved in foster care--that adoption is pretty much an empty ritual, a bureaucratic step up from foster care with no deep meaning in and of itself. "

The day before my son's adoption, I would have told you that I could not love him one ounce more or be any more committed to him. I had him from the time he was 21 days old, so by the time his adoption rolled around two and half years later, he really felt like "mine."

But a month after the adoption, I was totally amazed at what a huge difference it made. Yes, it's a ritual. But rituals make a big, big difference in how we feel about each other and about how other people treat us. Before the adoption, we were two people holding on tight to each other while we sailed down the rapids. After the adoption, we were a real family.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by RBrown1971r

Take pictures...lots of them!! A lot of times these kids have no pictures of themselves. Let them take the pictures with them. some day these kids will be adults & will appreciate those pictures.

Rhonda,

You know, you're about the eighth or ninth former foster child that I've heard talk about pictures. It must be so disorienting---if that's the right word---to have no pictures, no evidence about your own past.

After I heard one teenager talk about this, I was so moved that I started scrapbooking for my foster kids and foster kids from about four other families that I'm close to. I make at least a small album for each kid that comes through, no matter how short a time they stay. I hope someday these little albums will mean something to them.....if only to let them know how much their foster families really loved and cared about them.

I think a lot about some of these kids, and wonder how they are.

[haveyouseenmywife?]

Originally Posted by JGarrick

Did I feel as if I belonged? Well, yes, and no. My foster home was the only home I knew growing up, but I always knew I wasn't theirs. My foster mom in particular had ways both subtle and blunt of reminding me that I wasn't her child. I don't think she ever meant to be unkind, but I did live with frequent reminders that I could be uprooted with no more than a phone call.

What wore me down more than anything, however, was having to constantly explain my situation to everyone.

Thank you for your response. I am so sorry that your foster parents did not make permanent their relationship with you. I have adopted three from foster care. I know the system is frustrating and adopting children is much harder than they make it sound, but it is worth it.

Additionally, thank you for your comment about having to explain yourself. I adopted two children who are only 16 years younger than me. That means I am constantly getting "the look" when I tell people these are my children not my siblings. The look made me feel like I had to say they were adopted, but when I saw the look on their faces while I was explaining, I decided that no one else needed those explanations. For my third, even when he was in foster care, I simply told people he was mine. I like to help people understand foster care and adoption, but the constant explaining does get wearing.

[stevenstwin]

Yes, I think it is a definite possiblity that they will feel they are betraying their own parents if they call you mom and dad (depending on their relationship, etc). In our case that is certainly a big issue, since our son is 15 and has a living "dad". He will often refer to us to others as "my mom and dad", but I doubt will ever call us that to our faces. HOWEVER, "Mr and Mrs" seems really distant. Our son uses our first names. Maybe since yours are a little younger you could phase it in with "Mom Jane" and "Dad Bob" or similar, and then when they feel comfortable they may shift to just mom and dad.

ps to Mom2blessings - you asked her if they are against the adoption because they don't want to change their last names. If they are like my son, it wouldn't be that at all. A. very much wants to be with us forever, and is totally committed to being a member or our family, but he just can't emotionally handle a legal adoption, or a name change, etc. because of all his loyalty conflict issues. So many of these poor kids feel like they are betraying their birth parents, In A's case, he'd feel like he was hurting them (and I know it WOULD make them pretty upset) and he is so parentified he worries constantly about "what would happen to dad" if he got depressed. And to make it even more complex, his birth mother died when he was 6, so he feels like her name and her status as his only "mom" are all he has left of her. I don't know if I'm explaining this well - but just wanted to make the point that the boys in question very likely are NOT opposed to the adoption or in need of family counselling because of that.

Originally Posted by SquirlyGirl

This is such a great thread. I am a soon to be adoptive mom to 2 boys ages 12 & 9.

I have a question that I am struggling with. So far the boys have been calling us Mr D and Mrs. K. I would like for them to start calling us mom and dad, but I want to be sensative to their feelings for their mom and dad. To be fair I haven't brought it up to them yet, but am trying to figure out how to bring it up.

We know that they want to keep their last names when we finalize, I am hoping that we can convince them to hyphante their last names.

Did you feel it a betrayal of calling your adoptive parents "mom" and "dad"? Should we suggest alternatives? If so, like what, ma and pa? I really don't like ma.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by Mom2blessings

I can't imagine spending more than 20 a day! My family of 6 (including one teenager) eats from 500 to 600 per month in groceries, so I will be in for a shock if the FC eat that much by themself.

Well, I'll admit that we probably eat too expensively -we all like lots of meat. Being in small town Alberta, groceries are really expensive. But then, too, I give him $6.00 per school day for lunch at the school cafeteria, and I COULD cut down on that expense and make him pack his lunch. And then I spend about $200 a month on clothes, because he is growing really fast, AND is really hard on his clothes (especially shoes). He doesn't want for anything, but I know that I'm not making any "extra" money on him. Even school fees this year were $600, because he is taking all shop/mechanics etc. classes. When he originally came to us last year, I thought that I could squirrel away a bit each month to save up for his portion of our trip to DisneyWorld that is coming up in a couple weeks now, but it sure didn't work out that way. It's going to cost us nearly $2000 just for him, with all the normal expenses of plane fare, tickets etc PLUS the need to have a second hotel room (which we wouldn't have needed if it was just us).

[stevenstwin]

This really struck me, due to a conversation that I just had with my son. He was really against getting school pictures done this year, and I really didn't know why. Then when they came, he didn't want to hand them over! Finally, I got them and put the 8x10 in a nice frame in the living room alongside the ones of the girls. He was really surprised...and then he told me that his two step-mothers had never allowed pictures of him to be displayed - that they only allowed pictures of "their own kids". Every time he walks past the living room, he stops and stares at his picture, and when I moved them yesterday to do some Christmas decorating, he was REALLY worried about where it had ended up!

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

Rhonda,

You know, you're about the eighth or ninth former foster child that I've heard talk about pictures. It must be so disorienting---if that's the right word---to have no pictures, no evidence about your own past.

After I heard one teenager talk about this, I was so moved that I started scrapbooking for my foster kids and foster kids from about four other families that I'm close to. I make at least a small album for each kid that comes through, no matter how short a time they stay. I hope someday these little albums will mean something to them.....if only to let them know how much their foster families really loved and cared about them.

I think a lot about some of these kids, and wonder how they are.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by Mom2blessings

I've really stressed myself about the whole introduction thing andI don't even have a FC yet. I guess I keep imagining how awkward I'd feel, and I'm assuming they will probably feel the same. I don't think I'd be comfortable with "mom"...maybe "Aunt" whoever.

I can't imagine spending more than 20 a day! My family of 6 (including one teenager) eats from 500 to 600 per month in groceries, so I will be in for a shock if the FC eat that much by themself.

This was very poorly worded. I meant that if *I* were a foster child, I'd feel awkward at calling my foster parents Mom or Dad. I have NO problem with them calling me that if they are comfortable with it.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

Yes, I think it is a definite possiblity that they will feel they are betraying their own parents if they call you mom and dad (depending on their relationship, etc). In our case that is certainly a big issue, since our son is 15 and has a living "dad". He will often refer to us to others as "my mom and dad", but I doubt will ever call us that to our faces. HOWEVER, "Mr and Mrs" seems really distant. Our son uses our first names. Maybe since yours are a little younger you could phase it in with "Mom Jane" and "Dad Bob" or similar, and then when they feel comfortable they may shift to just mom and dad.

ps to Mom2blessings - you asked her if they are against the adoption because they don't want to change their last names. If they are like my son, it wouldn't be that at all. A. very much wants to be with us forever, and is totally committed to being a member or our family, but he just can't emotionally handle a legal adoption, or a name change, etc. because of all his loyalty conflict issues. So many of these poor kids feel like they are betraying their birth parents, In A's case, he'd feel like he was hurting them (and I know it WOULD make them pretty upset) and he is so parentified he worries constantly about "what would happen to dad" if he got depressed. And to make it even more complex, his birth mother died when he was 6, so he feels like her name and her status as his only "mom" are all he has left of her. I don't know if I'm explaining this well - but just wanted to make the point that the boys in question very likely are NOT opposed to the adoption or in need of family counselling because of that.

I think you made a lot of sense. I can see how they'd feel a confilict over this issue. Thanks for your insight.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

This really struck me, due to a conversation that I just had with my son. He was really against getting school pictures done this year, and I really didn't know why. Then when they came, he didn't want to hand them over! Finally, I got them and put the 8x10 in a nice frame in the living room alongside the ones of the girls. He was really surprised...and then he told me that his two step-mothers had never allowed pictures of him to be displayed - that they only allowed pictures of "their own kids". Every time he walks past the living room, he stops and stares at his picture, and when I moved them yesterday to do some Christmas decorating, he was REALLY worried about where it had ended up!

This was heartwrenching! These types of things are no brainers to me. Of course I"d add their pictures. I think the reason these types of comments are so helpful to me is because it will allow me to be more understanding of the kids. It would never have occurred to me that they did not have their pictures displayed somewhere else. In fact, the woman who taught our IMPACT class told me to not assume that they have ANY pictures prior to my home. I was asking her if the families would be willing to share their pictures (just let me make copies really) so I could make a scraplifebook for the kids. So sad.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

Every time he walks past the living room, he stops and stares at his picture, and when I moved them yesterday to do some Christmas decorating, he was REALLY worried about where it had ended up!

I can't remember where I read this, but there is some research that shows that having their pictures displayed is *really* psychologically important to children. It shows them that they are valued enough to be displayed with pride. I know my son (age 3) is fascinated by the pictures of him that are on display in the house, and he asks me about them all the time.

I can imagine how hurtful it would be to be told to your face, "I don't want your picture out." Ouch! Your story reminds me again how it is the little things we do as foster and adoptive parents that help to heal our kids. Thanks for boosting me up with your story!

[mrsred]

I have two adopted children from foster. Our sons birth mom said she would send baby pictures but I have none. His foster mom sent me copies of all the pictures taken in the year and half she had him, but I have nothing before the age of four. Now with our adopted daughter.... well, she lived with her grandmother off and on from birth till the age of 9 1/2 when she moved in with us. We have an open relationship with g'ma, with our daughter spending occassional weekends there, and her sister spending occassional weekends with us. so you would think we would have some baby pics here, right? ha ha, wrong.
Anyway, what I have done is immediately taken lots of pictures and started albums, plus gotten them into studios for individual pictures and group photos with siblings within the first week or so so that I can get their picture up on the wall fast!