[mrsred]

First off, thank you again. Your perspective means a lot to me. I am ashamed to say that some of the things you have said that your foster mother did that made you feel like you didn't belong I am guilty of [ At other times I'd hear comments like "if you don't like it here, you can call your social worker and ask to be moved] Hearing you say it from your point makes me see how it hurts her, and makes her feel like she isn't really a part of our family. We are hoping to remedy the legal end of that very soon, as her adoption should be finalized within the month. Now it is time to make the heart commitment.
She and I are a bit of a mismatch too, [but I probably didn't pass up many opportunities for a fight, and she was a rather strict disciplinarian, so we meshed like mismatched sprockets.] Hopefully as time goes by and she realizes she is here to stay that end will improve.
Thanks again.

[JGarrick]

It's not just the heart commitment. The piece of paper matters too.

I tracked down a quote that puts the whole thing in a nutshell for me. This from Charlotte Lopez (aka Charlotte Ayanna), who was Miss Teen USA in 1993 and was adopted at the age of 17 after spending most of her life in a series of foster homes:

"Clearly, the [foster family] never understood how important adoption was to me. They loved us. They wanted to keep us. They felt that was enough. I believe that their position was based on the notion--shared by many people involved in foster care--that adoption is pretty much an empty ritual, a bureaucratic step up from foster care with no deep meaning in and of itself. For me, nothing could have been further from the truth."

This is so right. Without that paper, I was never theirs, and they were never mine.

[Mom2blessings]

Originally Posted by JGarrick

It's not just the heart commitment. The piece of paper matters too.

I tracked down a quote that puts the whole thing in a nutshell for me. This from Charlotte Lopez (aka Charlotte Ayanna), who was Miss Teen USA in 1993 and was adopted at the age of 17 after spending most of her life in a series of foster homes:

"Clearly, the [foster family] never understood how important adoption was to me. They loved us. They wanted to keep us. They felt that was enough. I believe that their position was based on the notion--shared by many people involved in foster care--that adoption is pretty much an empty ritual, a bureaucratic step up from foster care with no deep meaning in and of itself. For me, nothing could have been further from the truth."

This is so right. Without that paper, I was never theirs, and they were never mine.

You are so open to our questions...and I just can't thank you enough. I'm learning more with each post (from you and the others).

May I ask what your relationship is today with your foster family?

[mrsred]

I guess its sort of like a couple that lives together without ever getting married. It is more than just a piece of paper. it is proof of your commitment. That is why we are so anxious to get T's adoption finalized, hear the judge say this is real and forever. It had a huge impact on E, our adopted son. Much bigger than I ever would have thot, and I know that it will impact her too.

[JGarrick]

Both my foster parents and birth parents are dead now.

I have a foster brother (mentioned earlier somewhere) who has struggled his entire life with chemical dependency and a variety of mental health issues. He was functioning at a pretty high level until he got involved in drugs, at which point his life became pretty much a complete mess. I hadn't seen or heard from him in years until recently when he turned up again living about 10 miles from where we grew up. He's able to live independently with some help from social services. We keep in touch, but he's always marching to the beat of a different drum, and it's often difficult to get in sync. I hope we can continue to stay in touch, but he has a tendency to go off to wherever his dreams guide him, and then can't be found for months or years at a time. Maybe this home will stick - only God knows.

My foster mom had some extended family, but neither they nor I ever made any real effort to keep in touch. My foster dad's only family was a brother that died before he did.

My birth siblings, however, are a different story entirely. There are 10 of us (the nine mentioned earlier plus a half sister that lived with my mom until she died), and most of us see each other quite often. All things considered, we've all done pretty well. The girls in particular had it much worse than I did as kids. The two oldest were placed in a home that, while perhaps not abusive, was certainly not welcoming. The other two fared quite a bit worse. My brothers and I all got lucky and went to pretty good homes. Although we've had our problems (lots of failed marriages in particular), we've mostly built pretty successful lives. Between the 10 of us, we've had 26 kids (bio, adopted, and step). Quite of few of the kids are married and there are grandchildren popping up all over the place. When my wife and I first started to consider adoption, we both agreed that my family would be a great help, because we know they would accept any new kids into the fold without a second thought, regardless of race and regardless of any problems they might bring along. We've really seen just about everything.

Sometimes I think I should write a book about our experiences, but I think the whole story is just too strange to be believed.

[Mom2blessings]

I'm thinking a book might be a great idea. I don't know of any books written from the perspective of a former foster child, though there certainly may be some. It sounds like you have a lot of experience to offer both foster kids and adoptive parents. The one thing I think I've learned from your story is huge difference that being legally adopted makes for some kids. I guess before now, I always felt that in situations like yours, the parents felt like the foster kids were theirs...and that the kids felt like the foster parents were theirs. I know there are always exceptions but I wouldn't have expected that.

[JGarrick]

I think the comment above that it's a lot like couples that live together for a long time without getting married is a good metaphor that people might find easier to understand, but I suspect for most kids, the gulf feels quite a bit bigger because they're not a willing partner in the arrangement - it was a situation in which they had no control.

RE: Books

My disclaimer is that I haven't read any of these, but there are a few around that look promising.

The same Charlotte Lopez/Ayanna noted earlier wrote a book called "Lost in the System" chronicling her journey through the foster care system.

You could also have a look at "Orphans of the Living: Stories of America's Children in Foster Care" by Jennifer Toth, or "Foster Care Odyssey: A Black Girl's Story" by Theresa Cameron.

I should probably do some reading myself.

[jackielove]

Me and my two brother were foster children whom never were adopted, but we stayed in the same foster home; me up until my teenage years; my brothers, until my foster mom passed away.

I knew at an early age that I was a foster child because a social worker visited our home frequently to see how we were doing.

I did notice that my foster mother and foster father treated me different when it came to their own children.

I did notice that my foster mother had a preference to her husband over me ( he had begun to be sexually abusive towards me at the age of eight, when I told her and social services they believed his denial).

As a child, teenager and the majority of my adult life I never fantasized or had any desires to know my birth mother.

However, at the age of twenty five, I recieved a phone call from a man who claimed to be my birth mother's uncle in law.

It turned out he was and the next day my b mom called me. When, we spoke, my b mom began to tell me why she had given me up for adoption. She said that she had wanted to abort me but it was illegal etc.

At the time I was not angry at my b mother for her comments, because for so long I had delt with people who said one thing but ment another, which left me very confused and very untrusting. So I was relieved that she was bold enough to tell the truth.

Anyway, I was not adopted and yes, I wish that I had been adopted into a home that was safe, non-prejudiced and sincerely loving.

I have a b sibling who was also placed for adoption. She was adopted.

From what I can tell, she was chosen by a family that treated her as if she were thier own. She has had a wonderful life.

However, in her adulthood, she wanted to know why she was given up for adoption. She has not recieved the answer yet.

Her reply to this is simply.. Oh well, I guess it's not God's will.. And she has gone on with her life.

[Mom2blessings]

Jackielove,

I'm so sorry you were abused by foster father . It's nice to know that you haven't completely given up on the foster care system.

Thank you for your insight. I learn more with every post...and no amount of "foster training" can help prepare us like peoples forthright comments.

[brinamercado]

hi i am a fomer foster child now im 23 and live on my own.
i was never adopted. foster care has it pros and cons. on one hand it's good and the other it's bad. the foster care system was made to protect the children. the funny thing is through that when you tell your social worker what is going on they dis turn the other way but they are quik to take you from the only home you ever known. i'm not saying that my mom was a an angle or any thing like that but at the same time neither were most of my foster parnets. the system is there to give kids a safe and stable enviroment. how can they do that when you go from home to home and social worker to social worker? my unger broher and i were taken from my bio mom because of abuse and she did drugs and i was sexaly abuse. the social worker told me and my brother that we where going to a safe place and that the bad guys couldn't get us any more. the funny thing is that the frist fosterhome that we where in i was raped by thire older son. he also raped his 3 year old niece.when my social worker found out all she did was move us to other fosterhome. they didnt even send him to jail. they didn't even get thier license revoked. we went to other foster home that was suppose to be beter in a way it was i dind't get sexaly abuse but me and my unger brother got hit a lot. and come to find out the people lied on their app. so he went to a home and i went to a differnt one. life went on for him and me. when i was 15 i had a babby. my social worker and foster parent kept tell ing me to give her up for adoptin i kept sayiny no then they took her away from me and said that i was and unfit parent the thing is though i never hit her or neglected her ether when we went to crout they kept say all the things that happened to me when i was unger and that i would most likly do the samething to her. my worst fear in life is to be like my bio mom. i fought to the best of my ablity but in the end i lost. Now she lives with my old foster parents and they adopted her. i resient them to a point but at the same time i'm thankful because she in a loving home and she not going through what i went through. the people that was supose to keep me safe and be there for me wheren't they say to trust them but how can you. The thing is that it depends on the person or the child.

[foster_bub]

I also think that the age of the child when adopted has ALOT to do with how they'll answer these questions.

I was adopted at a very young age. I was just a few months old and spent very little time in the foster care system.

My parents whom I love to death, have always made my sisters and I feel like we belong (my sisters were adopted too though we're not siblings). The bond the 5 of us have is unbreakable. We have some info on our biological parents but none of us have the desire to search. What's the point after almost 40 years?

I've always been loved and taken care of by my parents. We've known from the day we could understand that we were adopted and I've never looked back.

If your adoptive parents make you feel loved and explain that your birth parents loved you and couldn't take care of you properly then be grateful. I know I am.

I'm sure being adopted at an older age it's much more difficult to go through the process.

[RBrown1971r]

I am very happy to have been taken away. Without the therapy & such I'd have been a worthless adult.
My brothers were left with my Dad. Little bro was killed at 13 y/o in a car wreck. My older bro is a messed up person. He often says he wished they had taken him too so that maybe he'd be a stable person. We used to argue as young children that we were adopted & our birth parents would come take us back home. Of course they were our bio parents. They never took away their parental rights & when I turned 18 I started bouncing around to various relatives. I eventually found my husband & together we have three children, two cousins that were foster kids of ours & one of them has a son who calls us Grandma & PaPa. I am 35 years old now. My 5 years in foster care weren't easy & I ran into bad people but foster care saved me & I am grateful that someone stepped in & helped me.
Rhonda

[Mom2blessings]

I've read the last three posts and I'm grateful to all of you for your responses.

Rhonda, I was fascinated with your story. I'm still wishing I knew the "secret" as to what foster parents can do to ensure that foster care and/or adoption is as positive as it can be. You mentioned that not all of your foster experiences were good...yet, you still have a positive outlook on it. May I ask you (and anyone else who wishes to answer) some questions? If they are too personal/painful to answer I totally understand...just ignore them What happened that was bad in your foster experiences? What happened that was good? I'm trying to understand what made the good out weigh the bad in your case. I've just found out I've been approved to be a foster parent. I can't even begin to tell you how much I want our home to be a home of healing... If you could give me one piece of advice on how to make fostering a positive experience for the kids who come into my home, what would it be?

[RBrown1971r]

Originally Posted by Mom2blessings

I'm still wishing I knew the "secret" as to what foster parents can do to ensure that foster care and/or adoption is as positive as it can be. You mentioned that not all of your foster experiences were good...yet, you still have a positive outlook on it. What happened that was bad in your foster experiences? What happened that was good? I'm trying to understand what made the good out weigh the bad in your case. I've just found out I've been approved to be a foster parent. I can't even begin to tell you how much I want our home to be a home of healing... If you could give me one piece of advice on how to make fostering a positive experience for the kids who come into my home, what would it be?

Not sure there is a secret to good parenting. I'm filled with questions about us adopting ourselves. I have a positive outlook on foster care because it saved me BUT I never want any child I know to end up in a home. Because you have no control over anything. EX. I was raped long term. So, when I went into the system I covered my entire body with clothing. Even in the summer I wore long sleeves. My FM decided it wasn't healthy & forced me to wear skirts. It was a religious thing for her. I went nuts one day & put her in the hospital. We were fighting over me wearing a pair of shorts. She obviously didn't have the training to understand a rape victim & their mindset. But my next foster home..they lived on a long dirt road. They used to let me take turns with their kids driving the car. After I left them for a group home they heard I had nowhere to go during the holidays. Even though they weren't paid for it they let me spend some weekends & holidays with them. It meant SO much to me that they weren't getting paid but still wanted me. I joined the choir in their Church & found religion. That kept me sane during MANY trying events.
I was always very concious of the fact that someone had to be paid to take care of me. That I was a charity case.
The only advice I can really stress is this: get the children their own clothes that they can take with them when they leave. It sucks to wear clothes that 10 other kids already wore & if you actually like the clothes you know they have to be returned for the next child.

Spend money on the kids. The state will give you plenty. In my state you get a minimum of $20 per DAY to care for the children. I am currently raising our two bio children. I know for a fact that it doesn't cost that much. Put them in sports, scouts, dance, etc. It will mean the world to a child.

Take pictures...lots of them!! A lot of times these kids have no pictures of themselves. Let them take the pictures with them. some day these kids will be adults & will appreciate those pictures.

Don't introduce them as your foster children all the time. It's very embarrassing for the kids. Listen to them but don't press for details if they don't want to talk about their lives.

RESPECT their privacy!! Respect the limits THEY set on you. If they don't want to be hugged then back off!
If you consistantly show them love, respect & attention it will come back to you. Also, remember that some kids are too far gonme by the time they are discovered. Those kids may never be able to function in society. As my husband tells me "ya can't save the world, Honey."
I tell him "Nope, but I can make a difference in that child's life & that one too."
Hope this helps, Rhonda

[Mom2blessings]

You offer good advice. In fact, you're advice is exactly how I have already planned to be as a foster parent. We will have them involved with as much as we can handle

As for the clothing, we do have some standards as Christians, but I don't think they are extreme. In fact, I think they are very reasonable...though judging by some of the clothes I see kids wearing today, I'm sure others would disagree. I don't think 10 year olds should look "sexy". I don't even think that's safe for them. But that's a whole other opinion. I'm not sure what we'd do if we had a child who really bucked about our clothing standards. We certainly would allow the child to keep their own clothes. My mother works for the SC DFCS and one of the reasons I had wanted to do this was her telling about how the kids at a particular group home were not allowed to even have their own underwear. They just all shared it. At Christmas, the kids were not allowed to keep their own Christmas gifts. This was their effort to keep everything "fair". I asked my mom, WHY would DFCS put children in that home. Her answer was they didn't have enough foster homes, and they had to have a home somewhere for them.

You mentioned that we shouldn't introduce the children as foster children. I've really given this alot of thought before now. This is kind of awkward for me because I'm not sure what the child would want me to introduce them as. I don't want them to feel obligated to call me "Mama" I guess I'll cross that bridge when it happens, because I'm sure every child will be different. My general plan is to introduce myself by my name at first, then after they settled in give them some names that they can call me by: "Aunt Michelle" "Mom" "Mama" "Mommy" or even just "Michelle" if they'd like.

Here in GA, the carpe diem is less than your state. Ours is approximately $14 to $18 depending on the age of the children. Stilll, that's plenty to take care of the children which is all I want