[kiwi]

Welcome to the Fostered Adults forum!

This forum is for those who have been in foster care or were adopted out of foster care.

Please post your experiences in foster care, ask questions and enjoy the support given.

[Lisa3NY]

This looks like a wonderful addition to the foster care forum!

I was interested in hearing what it was like for teenagers in foster care. My husband and I have three little ones in foster care, but were thinking about taking in a fourth... a teenager. I'd like to hear some personal thoughts on what they felt like as teens and what to expect from somone who's been throught the system.

Lisa

[Busyfostermom]

It seems strange to write about my past. I have not done so in a long time. I was 2 years old when I went to my first foster home. After that some family members tried to raise me. When I became a teen and pre-teen I was hard to handle and was put into a few different group homes (PennyLane, Aviva and Mainstream). I also was in a private foster home for a short time. I did turn myself around but had seen more bad stuff than any child should have to. In PennyLane I saw kids try to kill themselves, kids doing drugs, stealing and gun fights outside of our home. I ended up back with family after living with my best friend for a while. I am not sure if any of what I have rambled on about will help anyone but I have plenty of stories, good and bad. I am a very open person and will share if asked.
Shelly

[rights]

Do you feel like you were cheated by the very system that was supposed to be protecting you? Do you think that you would have been better off to have been adopted by an unrelated family? Do you remember your Foster parents?

I would also like to say that I am sorry for what you had to go through. I can't wait until this world starts to value children.

[Busyfostermom]

I feel since I was a teen I was thought of as someone who would not be a good fit for a family. I would have loved to have been adopted by a family and been able to have brothers or sisters, especially if they were younger. I now have two boys of my own. I am a foster mom and hope to adopt very soon. I do feel kind of cheated out of a good stable family life. I was moved around a lot and felt as if I were "just there". I never fought or did anything I now would not want a teen in my house doing. I was respectful most of the time and I did pretty well in school. I guess I just feel if someone had offered a good "family" home I would have gone as quickly as I could and loved every minute of it. I know there is always the transition period but it would have been a lot better than not knowing where I would sleep and if I would be moved again.

Shelly

[rights]

What if you could have been adopted when you were 2? I just wonder if being with family is always the best thing?

I went to a class one day and a 15 yo girl in state custody told her story. She was removed from her home the first time at the age of 2. She was returned to Dad and removed 2 more times. She was passed around to relatives in order to keep her with family and now she is in Juv due to her behaviors. I feel that she was set up by the state for failure.

She was going through all of this at the same time we were looking, praying, and waiting for a girl just like her. Why do this children have to go through all of this just to stay with a blood relative? I cried after she spoke and I felt so sad for her.

[Busyfostermom]

Since I do remember my past and not for many good reasons I do think if someone would have adopted me at age 2 I would have been better off. I remember a past foster mom. She was racist and mean to my roommate. I would have rather had a stable loving family to be raised by then be moved. Once when I was 14 I went to school like any other day and then I was picked up early and told I had to move again. I had plans for the weekend and felt so out of control and totally helpless. My life was being torn apart and there was nothing I could do about it. I was only a teen and had no say in where I lived or who raised me. When my kids are older I want to take in teens who are in similar situations as I was. What is hard to be sure of is if the teen is actually how they seem on the first impression. I was a nice kid but I knew some girls who acted sweet and kind and then when the possible adoptive parents were gone they would lie, cheat, steal and beat others. I still think all kids deserve the best. The ones that have been through the most need the most!

[rights]

Originally Posted by Busyfostermom

Since I do remember my past and not for many good reasons I do think if someone would have adopted me at age 2 I would have been better off. I remember a past foster mom. She was racist and mean to my roommate. I would have rather had a stable loving family to be raised by then be moved. Once when I was 14 I went to school like any other day and then I was picked up early and told I had to move again. I had plans for the weekend and felt so out of control and totally helpless. My life was being torn apart and there was nothing I could do about it. I was only a teen and had no say in where I lived or who raised me. When my kids are older I want to take in teens who are in similar situations as I was. What is hard to be sure of is if the teen is actually how they seem on the first impression. I was a nice kid but I knew some girls who acted sweet and kind and then when the possible adoptive parents were gone they would lie, cheat, steal and beat others. I still think all kids deserve the best. The ones that have been through the most need the most!

Have you ever done a speech in front of a group of social workers? Your life story could change the lives of others for the good. This world puts so much importance on children in foster care staying with family even when it is not a good situation. Children need to have rights just like adults do. They deserve to be loved, protected, and taken care of by adults. Family is important but not more important than the child.

I know you will be one of the best Foster Parents because you have been there. You will be able to reach children that noone else can get close to. Please share your story in order to help others.

[Busyfostermom]

My husband and I have been foster parents since 2000. We have also taken in "Cool Home" teens. We took in teens but decided to wait until our bio boys, ages 4 and 7 years were older. I have talked to many teens about being in "The System". I let them know they are not alone and that it is hard but you can make it and become a great adult. I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful boys and am in the process of adopting a beautiful toddler girl. My past was tough and I eventually made it through.

[HollyPavlyik]

Hello everyone. My name is Holly and i think that this addition to the boards is awesome. I was placed in foster care as a teenager (16yrs old). I was raped a yr prior to entering care and had an abortion (i weighed all the odds and this was best for me and my baby). I went to an aweful private foster home. Once they found out that i was pregnant they told my worker and tried to force me to have an abortion. And they failed. Since that didn't work they told me i had to get a job and pay rent. If i didn't work then i had to clean the house. Well one day while cleaning i forgot to empty the lint trap in the dryer... my foster father came in and started screaming at me.... "you didn't clean this F***'n room at all. Why can't you follow directions. When you clean the laundry room you have to move out the washer and dryer and clean them too". When i told my case worker and the guidence office at school... they didn't beleive me and when they called them to discuss that "i was unhappy" well i got punished even worse... no going outside, no going anywhere in the house except to my room (that i shared) and to the bath room. Theylocked the basement door so that i wouldn't be able to get to the rest of the house. I wasn't allowed to use the phone or anything... it was horriable...
As of this date they are no longer foster parents.
Thank heaven for small favors. There where charges brought forth and where thrown out. They said that it was all in my head. (which i'm as sane as sane can be).
I would have loved to be adopted, but i was told that i was unadoptable because my Bio mom wouldn't relinquish her rights. She told my case worker that i wasn't anyone elses responsibility. But yet she wouldn't let me be adopted (i had a family that wanted me and everything)

Thank ya'll for listening.
Holly

ps... i think Teenagers are missunderstood when it comes to carring for them. all they want is someone to listen to them and their "corky" problems. And someone to ask how there day was (just like you do to your hubby or wife). They want there own "special" space in this world. For some they feel that is asking too much.

[rights]

I would have loved to be adopted, but i was told that i was unadoptable because my Bio mom wouldn't relinquish her rights. She told my case worker that i wasn't anyone elses responsibility. But yet she wouldn't let me be adopted (i had a family that wanted me and everything)[/quote]

I am so sorry for your loss of an opportunity to be adopted!

Do you feel that children should have a chance to express their feelings to a judge privately and have rights to participate in the decisions that are made pertaining to the rest of their life?

Children deserve to have rights, just like adults, if not more.

[Busyfostermom]

Holly,
I totally understand. That was a major problem I remember...People did not listen to me. They just moved me everytime something happened. I did not want to be passed around yet I was too young to be listened to and taken seriously! We are now out of foster care and living our lives. We have worked through, moved on and grown. The things I saw while in foster care just blow my mind! My roommate was shot outside our facility, there were teen boys hiding in one home's garage (illegally there), a girl tried to kill herself with dirty dish water and a syringe, kids sniffing whiteout in a closet, things being stolen, girls being raped by other girls and guys who visited, one of the worst "so called" schools and very poor health care. We were treated like trash, unwanted teens! Even if we were looked at for adoption the places we stayed did not want to let us be adopted...They would no longer get money for us. The people I came across and lived with were very interested with the money part of foster care!
Shelly

[Lady-C]

This is to announce this is a new "womens group" for those who sought out there natural families and were
rejected. The group is for adoptees and bmoms who
are seeking reunion, those from foster care system
all who have been rejected. Also included are the
in-family adoptees who are not allowed the mother/
daugher relationship that nature intended.
It is all REJECTION.

The name of the group is
"REJECTION...no way to treat a lady"

anyone interested please post me privately.
I understand that including foster care with adoptees is
not the norm. We are about healing and not worried about the norm.

hugs-carol

[Ms. Jackie]

I aged out of foster care after ten years in the system. It was not too bad growing up in foster care. The hardest part was actually AFTER I left care, not during. The transitioning process is pretty scary.

[Ms. Jackie]

The state is obligated to do "reasonable efforts" for kids to be reunited. it is not the judge's choice or the workers' choice, just how it is.