[mommy09]

We are getting a new FD on Monday(she's 11) and I am looking for some new positive discipline methods. The social worker informed us that she has alot of anger and is going to be feeling alot of hurt and rejection when she is moved from her current FH to ours. I was told to expect her to really push the boundaries and test us and our authority... So I am looking for some positive ideas to use when dealing with her behavior. I want to be firm with her but also let her know I care... Any ideas... thanks

[gdaisy]

Some ideas that came to my head are...

1. Use the choice language... for example.. you choose to not make your bed so you are choosing to stay inside today....

2. There was a foster parent that came to one of our pride classes.. they strictly worked with teenagers and pre-teens. They had a chore routine that every child was expected to participate in. If a child were to break a rule they would add more chores to their set of cards. They stated that it took all the arguments out of the picture because the assignments were there. The stated that the extra chores were just things that normally would be done like at spring cleaning.. example dust the baseboards, clean out the game closet and put everything back neatly...

Also if it is possible do a lot of activities that would help bond her to your family. Express sympathy to her situation and allow her to express her anger to you. Open the lines of communication...

I hope that this helps you..

[mommy09]

I like your idea about the extra chores. It reminds me of a friend of mine who has a "chore jar". Every time one of her kids complain they get to pick out another chore...

[Lorraine123]

Just be careful with the extra chores. If the child is opposition/defiant, they will not do the originally assigned chore and will get more piled on and it snowballs. I mean, what if they complain about the chore that you gave them for complaining. Do they get another? That technique would not work with my daughter. Wait until you know how the child will react.

[In_limbo_for_now]

Has anyone ever heard of reflective listening? it can be helpful when talking to someone who is upset.

[mommy09]

Thanks.........

[CaddoRose]

Rewards big time for everything she does that is good and right. And make those rewards known at the beginning. it might take a little while to find out what she values, but then you can base those rewards on the things she values. Put more positive on what she gets, than on what she loses.

[millie58]

no; what is it?

[mommy09]

I just got off the phone with her current foster mom and I now better understand what to expect with her. She told me that FD really likes to challenge authority. You will tell her not to do something and explain WHY not to do it and she'll still do it. I guess even after a year she's still trying to figure out how to get through and deal with her. She told me that the one thing that kinda works with her is taking away privileges when she does cross the line and have her work to do good to earn things. So I guess it won't be that hard. The one thing I'm a little worried about is that she has so much anger and the FM said you don't even know what sets her off sometimes. And when she gets mad she has the tendency to wanna run. So I need to think of ways for her to "run" off the anger without actually running down the street. So if anyone has any ideas I'd greatly appreciate it.....

[DannieAS]

Because this always stayed in my mind...I belong to a running/walking group and there is a woman that is raising her niece. She takes her niece 3x a week for runs and then the long run on the weekends, because it opens communication between them (anger issues) and running seems to be therapeutic for her.

I may not advise this right off the bat until you know she won't be running away from anyone, but if there is active living in the home, sometimes this really helps. Sometimes a track in an enclosed field/area is better to start with as well.

[Lorraine123]

So I guess it won't be that hard.

I disagree with that. To me, this sounds like a very challenging child. Lots of oppositional/defiant behavior. You can't reason with that. She runs because she is angry and it makes her feel powerful. I, personally, don't believe that taking her running would help that. OD children can't handle someone telling them what to do. Their fight/flight reaction kicks in. Its purely subconscious. I would give her lots of choices about things. Like - do you want to pick up your toys now or after your bath? That lessens the need for the child to react negatively. When my daughter was a run away risk, I kept her shoes. So, she was always in socks or barefoot. That way she couldn't run as far or as quick. Makes it not quite so fun for the child.

[DannieAS]

The running thing was just an idea...until you get a feel for a particular child, you may not know 100% what will be good for positive responses.

It worked for this lady I mentioned, and I've read of similar running programs in my 'Runner's World' magazine as well for children who have different sets of anger issues, so I know it's an avenue some people try and are successful with.

[Lorraine123]

Oh, I think running is great. And I agree that it can be a really good bonding tool and a good way to get out frustrations. In fact, most kids should do more of it. I was saying that I didn't think it would help with the running away thing. Kids don't run away to "run", they do it for control and to escape.

[DannieAS]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

I was saying that I didn't think it would help with the running away thing. Kids don't run away to "run", they do it for control and to escape.

This is true!

[txwannabemom]

I love the Jane Neilson Positive Discipline Book Series. There is one for every age group full of ideas and implementation. In Houston there are regular positive discipline workshops that I find very helpful. If you haven't read the book already, I really reccommend it!
Alot of it really focuses on making sure they know what is going to happen ahead of time so they can make the choices they feel comfortable with:

If you leave your clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the basket, I won't know what needs to be washed.

If your clothes aren't washed you will have to wear dirty clothes.

If you want clean clothes, please put them in the hamper.

(And then the hard part) Letting them wear the dirty clothes they left on the floor instead of washing them.

The books are great tools!