[realfoodmom]

My husband and I became certified over a year ago, but have not had a placement. We've had a dozen referrals, but none that were right for our family.
We got a referral recently for a 16 year old girl. We had originally planned on young children and had prepared for that, but, after much prayer decided to say yes to this referral. The girl is currently living in a different city, but for extenuating circumstances asked to be placed in our county. She has been living in a residential home due to truancy. The SW wasn't able to tell me much else about her expect that she is a good student, non-violent and doesn't have mental or physical disabilities.
Are we crazy for saying yes with so little info?
Also, my other main concern is our age. My husband just turned 30 and I am 29. I know she will think we are ancient, but I am the parent of a 2 and 4 year old.
We do have experience working with teens- just not parenting them...
any advice would be appreciated.

[Lorraine123]

I would find out more about why she is in the residential home. Child are not placed there solely for truancy. Children are placed there because they are unsafe to live in a family. Usually.

[realfoodmom]

Hmmm...that's what was told to us. I'll have my husband get some more information. He actually works for the agency placing her. How would we go about getting the information we need? Like I said, she is in a different city and none of the SW's we work with know anything about her.

[Nevada Jen]

Normal teens end up in residential homes quite frequently here because there are not enough foster beds that accept teens in our state. You might be able to find out more about her by finding out what kind of kids the residential home takes.

[c.a]

I usually get a placement agreement for foster kids which gives me some of the information I am looking for.

You could ask the caseworker for a copy of the discharge report from the program. It should give you a summary of why she went there - what her issues were, what her successes were and what she is still working on.

On the age difference - you are young for a teen and it is likely that she will start out by trying to treat you like a "buddy" rather than a parent. My best advice is: it is much easier to start off strict and ease up as she earns it than to start off easy and then try to rein her in. You are good guy when you ease up and always a bad guy when you tighten the reins.

I would have a list of (reasonable) rules, chores and other expectations - with privileges to be earned and consequences for non-compliance.

Good luck.

[MamaS]

I would not allow her to have a cell phone. If she needs to talk, let her do it on the house phone. At least until you are absolutely sure that she is not having contact with birth family, old boyfriends, internet friends, etc. Too much freedom is the number 1 problem with teens (foster, adopted, bio) and too much money is number 2.

[realfoodmom]

Originally Posted by c.a

On the age difference - you are young for a teen and it is likely that she will start out by trying to treat you like a "buddy" rather than a parent. My best advice is: it is much easier to start off strict and ease up as she earns it than to start off easy and then try to rein her in. You are good guy when you ease up and always a bad guy when you tighten the reins.

I would have a list of (reasonable) rules, chores and other expectations - with privileges to be earned and consequences for non-compliance.

Good luck.

That's good advice. My husband and I tend to be fairly strict anyway. We expect our four year old to be respectful, clean up after herself and use good manners, so I would certainly expect the same from a teenager.
How do you handle laying down the house/ground rules? Do you give them a little bit of time to get used to the home or do you lay it out right away? I don't want to just drop all our rules on her lap.
I'm just now expecting my preschooler to have regular chores...what type of chores would be appropriate for a teenager? I know I did a ton when I was 16, but I was the eldest of four...
How do you handle allowance?
Sheesh, I have so many questions.

No cell phone is a good idea, although from what I understand, her being placed in foster care was a mutual decision. She wasn't taken away from her family against her will.

I learned a bit more about the situation, but I am still waiting to speak with her guardian before we make a final decision.

Thanks for all your help!

[realfoodmom]

Originally Posted by c.a

On the age difference - you are young for a teen and it is likely that she will start out by trying to treat you like a "buddy" rather than a parent. My best advice is: it is much easier to start off strict and ease up as she earns it than to start off easy and then try to rein her in. You are good guy when you ease up and always a bad guy when you tighten the reins.

I would have a list of (reasonable) rules, chores and other expectations - with privileges to be earned and consequences for non-compliance.

Good luck.

That's good advice. My husband and I tend to be fairly strict anyway. We expect our four year old to be respectful, clean up after herself and use good manners, so I would certainly expect the same from a teenager.
How do you handle laying down the house/ground rules? Do you give them a little bit of time to get used to the home or do you lay it out right away? I don't want to just drop all our rules on her lap.
I'm just now expecting my preschooler to have regular chores...what type of chores would be appropriate for a teenager? I know I did a ton when I was 16, but I was the eldest of four...
How do you handle allowance?
Sheesh, I have so many questions.

No cell phone is a good idea, although from what I understand, her being placed in foster care was a mutual decision. She wasn't taken away from her family against her will.

I learned a bit more about the situation, but I am still waiting to speak with her guardian before we make a final decision.

Thanks for all your help!

[jbee]

Originally Posted by MamaS

I would not allow her to have a cell phone. If she needs to talk, let her do it on the house phone. At least until you are absolutely sure that she is not having contact with birth family, old boyfriends, internet friends, etc. Too much freedom is the number 1 problem with teens (foster, adopted, bio) and too much money is number 2.

i absolutely agree.
we have teenagers. our rules are:
be respectful
follow directions
clean up after yourself
no physical agression
be responsible for yourself (know what is going on in your life...appointments, court dates, etc)
respect personal belongings
ours do their own laundry and keep their rooms stink free. one dosen't have a job yet and gets 10 bucks a week for doing chores when asked to. not following rules gets the allowance docked. no food in the rooms. no tv in the rooms. internet is in the living room and monitored. you earn your freedoms. can't get homework done? can't do anything else. can't wake up on your own on time? can't do anything else that day.
we are only about 10 years older than our oldest fc. we made it clear coming in we are not friends.
and both of our current kids came from residential. one was there for shelter b/c they hadn't found a fhome yet. the other was put there in between fhomes because there were no homes and his old fparents were moving on from doing it.
sorry so long lol

[millie58]

ITA with Nevada. teens end up in RTC's because foster families want younger children.

As far as the teen: expect the teen to push as far as you'll allow. I had a 14 yo (in fc for 4 years and moved every year). My problem was I commute and don't get home until 7. they need structure even though they fight it. I didn't do allowance with him; I do it with the kids I now have. the younger ones get their grade. My 14 yo (different kid) will get his age. He has more chores and helps out more.

good luck!!