[bo_77]

Hi,

I just joined in today. I am a foster parent to two kids. They are siblings. The eldest one 4 years old is having a problem dealing with the fact that she does not understand why she has to visit the mom and then come back to us. we have explained this through family therapy and she seemed fine with the explanation, now after a couple of months she is back to square one. She seems in a lot of inside pain( it is difficult to explain the pain, but I am sure you all can understand it ). I try to get her to react and maybe cry but she refuses to. Can anyone suggest what we can do to help her without involving more therapists ?

Thanks
Bo

[melissa_bear003]

I'm not sure why you don't want to involve a therapist again...but that being said...

You can provide her with paint, crayons, playdoh, etc and let her know that she can draw however she's feeling...and even rip it up after if she doesn't want anyone seeing. Or give her a journal/scrapbook and let her know that she can draw in it how she's feeling, but its private and nobody will look unless she chooses to share.

I've heard of the inflatable punching bags or a big pillow for kids to get their 'angry' out as well.

[bo_77]

Hi ,

Thanks for your reply. Indeed I don't want to get the therapist again because the child is already getting a speech therapist and home visits once a month so I thought that if I top it up again with another therapist this would really make her think she has a problem. But you know I am still learning so I will take your suggestion and re-think about the therapist.

I will try the colour and the private book. Hope I can get her to show her emotions.

Bo

[melissa_bear003]

My thinking on it is just that a therapist now could make a positive change, whereas waiting a bit could make it a bigger problem, if that makes any sense.

[Biblemom]

My four year old foster daughter had the same issue. What emotions she did show were obviously fake. She rarely cried unless she was mad at us and then she would sit in her room and scream at the top of her lungs. We took her to a therapist that specialized in reactive attachment disorder. The therapist gave us numerous techniques to use at home. It has really made a difference for this child. We started seeing the therapist once a week, then twice a week and were discharged last month because she was doing so well.

At four I don't think they really understand they are seeing a therapist because they have a 'problem'. This child needs help. It is worth a try...

[CaddoRose]

I would definitely find a therapist for these issues. I agree that she won't know she has a problem. My FD is 2. 5 and she sees four different therapist for physical and developmental issues. She doesn't know she's delayed. A good therapist will be able to help your daughter and you without making anyone feel as though they are at fault. She needs to work through the emotions she's feeling and find ways to cope with the loss.

[jphollen]

Play therapist can be really great. That age child doesn't even catch on it's a therapist. They use sand trays, art and other play to help kids work through issues and trauma. They usually give you tons of direction as to how to deal with it at home too.

I would be stuck if I tried to go it alone. I loathe all the appointments and driving (we are really rural so a trip to the therapist is like 45 mins one way) but the results can't be beat!



Jen

[bo_77]

Thanks for the replies. I will stress the fact that the child needs to see another thrapist this time focusing manely on her rather than the family one we had at the begining of this year. Maybe as you said play therapy will give her a helping hand.

Just a small question, presently the mom is picking on us evevn though we strongly feel that she is not talking in a bad way about us infornt of the children but both are experiencing pre and post trauma after their meeting with the mom. I think that this is the issue that is affecting the child mostly but accoring to authorities in most cases it is of utmost importance that the children continue to meet their mom. Do you agree with this or am I the only one seeing the other coin's face ?

[bo_77]

Thanks for the replies. I will stress the fact that the child needs to see another thrapist this time focusing manely on her rather than the family one we had at the begining of this year. Maybe as you said play therapy will give her a helping hand.

Just a small question, presently the mom is picking on us evevn though we strongly feel that she is not talking in a bad way about us infornt of the children but both are experiencing pre and post trauma after their meeting with the mom. I think that this is the issue that is affecting the child mostly but accoring to authorities in most cases it is of utmost importance that the children continue to meet their mom. Do you agree with this or am I the only one seeing the other coin's face ?

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by bo_77

Hi,

I just joined in today. I am a foster parent to two kids. They are siblings. The eldest one 4 years old is having a problem dealing with the fact that she does not understand why she has to visit the mom and then come back to us. we have explained this through family therapy and she seemed fine with the explanation, now after a couple of months she is back to square one. She seems in a lot of inside pain( it is difficult to explain the pain, but I am sure you all can understand it ). I try to get her to react and maybe cry but she refuses to. Can anyone suggest what we can do to help her without involving more therapists ?

Thanks
Bo

Best way we went about discussing the pain was thru drawings and journals. It's really hard to watch them grieve (as it's a loss to them). Some people handle grief much differently then others...don't force her to cry or show emotions right away...kinda guide her to discuss it either by talking or drawing, etc...

And I found the best thing is to acknowledge the pain our daughter is feeling by saying "Oh I know you feel sad and miss mom" and "It's ok to be sad" or "It's ok to miss mom/dad" and I left the door open for her to come to us to talk about her feelings...which it took her awhile to do. It won't be an overnight process. I see improvement and then we go backwards...baby steps.

And I think therapy is something you may wish to look into before it gets worse (especially if you're dealing with RAD). It's definitely not good to bottle it up all inside and she may need to learn how to let it out. We still go thru therapy every other week...and it helps her alot (even though we may not see it sometimes).

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by bo_77

Thanks for the replies. I will stress the fact that the child needs to see another thrapist this time focusing manely on her rather than the family one we had at the begining of this year. Maybe as you said play therapy will give her a helping hand.

Just a small question, presently the mom is picking on us evevn though we strongly feel that she is not talking in a bad way about us infornt of the children but both are experiencing pre and post trauma after their meeting with the mom. I think that this is the issue that is affecting the child mostly but accoring to authorities in most cases it is of utmost importance that the children continue to meet their mom. Do you agree with this or am I the only one seeing the other coin's face ?

Even if a child is happy with you and happy to visit with mom, they will react just because of transitioning between the two places.

Our ds loved us and was ready to move home with us, but also was secure in his foster home. His behavior became less focused in school and more restless for his fp as we transitioned him to us.

It's not normal for a child to go between two parental figures or two homes. They are going to react--it doesn't mean the visits with mom are bad for them--it's normal to object to having to go back and forth and it comes out in noncompliant behavior.

my 2 cents--

[c.a]

Visits can be confusing and difficult for kids of any age- four is just old enough to be confused and hurt but not old enough to understand why.

Do rethink therapy. A good therapist will not only help her cope, but should also give you some guidance on what you can do to help her.

Also - there are also some good children's books for children in foster care. There are a few storybooks with workbooks designed to help kids cope with foster care. Try "The Star" or "Maybe Days" or "Zachary's New Home" (I think the first two have workbooks).

Just go on any website that sells books and do a search within children's books for "foster care".

Keep talking to her and encourage her to talk to you.

Good luck.