[TheMomma08]

I am in the process of adopting a 13 year old boy. He has been very up about the whole thing, asking when he will be able to be at my house the whole nine yards. Last night he told me that he didn’t want to be adopted, but wants to come to my house when I have my daughter (I do shared parenting with her father) because it would be boring at my house when my daughter isn’t there. I was flabbergasted. I am more than half way done with my Pre Service training. I thought he would want to be adopted to have a more “normal” life. I’m still going through with the license process, and what is meant to be will be. It seems he is very confused, is this normal for foster kids? I have to admit this really through me for a loop and I am feeling hurt and/or maybe rejected.

[Tudu]

Sounds about right to me. They go back and forth, you mean nothing to him. He will not be thankful or appreciate all your efforts and sacrifices. He may even try to make you pay for caring about him. In my state, a child of that age has to agree to the adoption.

How old is your dd?

[TheMomma08]

She is 13 as well, they are classmates.

[Tudu]

I would never add a child that close to my dd's age as a teen and the opposite sex. You are asking for trouble. His comment about your dd adds to it. Be careful.

[TheMomma08]

Originally Posted by Tudu

I would never add a child that close to my dd's age as a teen and the opposite sex. You are asking for trouble. His comment about your dd adds to it. Be careful.

I agree. Should I just run for the hills at this point?

[TheMomma08]

I knew going into this that it would be a lot of work with not leavig them alone together, not staying up late together, etc.

[Tudu]

I can't tell you what to do but I would be seriously concerned about their closeness in age. You need to look at his past behavior, as well. I read he was mean to his brother to the point he needs to be separated. It could be due to his brother's issues or it could be as you said, his brother is more laid back and gets along with adults better. He is jealous of his brother's relationships with their caretakers. The second part would be a concern. It is almost guaranteed that any child will have some resentment about your relationship with your dd. The question is, will he treat her as he treated his brother and do you want to take that chance?

I would use alarms on their doors to be able to tell when they are up and down at night.

[TheMomma08]

Good idea with the alarms. And of course I know nothing about alarms systems and where to get them. If this adoption does go forth the alarm on doors would be a great idea.

[Lorraine123]

Foster children will not be grateful for your giving them a "normal" life. In fact, just the opposite, they will resent you because their birthparents couldn't do it.

I would not bring a teenage boy into my home with other children (especially a girl). This kid is in the system because he has seen, heard and done things that other kids his age have not experienced. Statistics on sexual abuse of children in foster care says that up to 90% have experienced it (don't quote me, thats what I've heard). So remember, he is probably "experienced" in a way your daughter is not. While you may think of them as siblings, your daughter and foster son will not.

Be careful.

[Tudu]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

While you may think of them as siblings, your daughter and foster son will not.

She said it all right there.

[TheMomma08]

I guess I had my rose colored glasses on. I see a perfect angel yet know he has been through a lot, he has been through stuff that my kids have never experienced. I guess I was being niaeve’, wanted to give him a stable,safe home to live in, one which he would feel loved.

[TheMomma08]

I really appreciate all of your input, sounds like you are veterans and really know your stuff. This is all new to me and I’m learning a lot

[jbee]

you can get door alarms at lowes...ours were about 20 dollars and you can mount the keypad on the outside of the door so they can't be tampered with from in the room. we put them on our little ones' doors inside the bedrooms so they won't be tampered with from outside the door.
BUT i also agree with pp to be very careful with the teenagers of opposite sexes thing. protect your daughter at all costs