[xxsurroundedbyxy]

in the system AND with biomom. Our current placement has been with us for 5 months. DH and I seem rather stressed by this placement and I don't know why.

FS is 5 yrs old and a good kid--he struggles in school and has a "what can I get from these people" kind of attitude but he is an only child and I think feels he has to compete with my bio sons. He is always wanting to make sure he gets whatever the 14 yr old gets or the 2yr old.....and we keep having to explain that "fair" doesn't always mean even....such as 14 yr olds can mow the lawn but 5 yrs olds cant and 2yrs olds can go to bed a little later because they don't have to be up early for school and they take a long nap etc.......

Biomom has been for 5 visits in 5 months. She did not see him at Christmas, Valentines, St. Patricks, or Easter.

She has been incarcerated since Feb for theft and was not due out until July but got early release. She and biodad both had children removed YEARS ago in another state. Those children are almost my age as biomom is 49 and dad is 52. Dad's homestudy did not pass due to his past history with DCFS in this other state. I kind of hate that because I really think he is the most stable of the two and comes for regular visits.

At one "supervised" visit, dad allowed FS to call a brother in the other state and beg to live with him. I had to ask that a stop be put to that as I had already been told that this brother had had his own children removed twice and was NOT an option for FS. So why dad let him do it or why the cw supervising allowed it is beyond me. I think it is SO important to Dad that FS go to live with family that he is grasping for straws as well.

We have had some trouble with FS being angry with us, cw, and the judge for not letting him go live where he wants with who he wants. So stuff like this does not help.

Mom and fiance were listed as offenders in a charge of sexual abuse that was called into hotline by the therapist about one month into his placement. Charges were found to be substantiated and no one contested them. Yet, RU is still the plan. Ugh! (And I am not foster adopt so I am not upset because we can't adopt him....I am upset that he deserves better than he is getting at the moment)

Mom got out of jail last week and at today's visit (her first in two months) proceeded to tell FS that she has done all that the judge asked her to do and he will be coming home soon and when he does they will throw a BIG party for him (lie#1--she has not completed the plan).

Then she tells him that HE got fiance in trouble and now fiance is moving out and she's happy. (I say ThankGod! but that is really a lie because the apt. is hers and she could have kicked him out at any time and didn't. Also, it wasn't FS who got fiance in trouble, it was fiance who got himself in trouble and no 5 yr old needed to be told that!!)

And lastly, she was kind enough to remind FS that her birthday is this month and although he will "miss her party" she gave him $3 to buy her a gift. Yuh-uh.

I'm sorry. I really like this child and I know that she is his mother. We did go and have two professional pics made of him before Christmas and framed one for our house so he would feel included in our family photos and we framed the other and gave to mom as her Christmas present. But I draw the line there. I know I should take the high road, but I cannot bring myself to take him shopping for this self-centered woman. Not happenin'. So I gave him a birthday card I had in my stash and let him fill it out and draw a heart and color it. Then I told him he could put the $3 in the card and write "mom" on the envelope. He was happy with this.

I cannot get past the fact that she gets the "happy" version of him and has had to parent for 5 hours in 5 months, but expects me to take the extra time to shop for her a birthday gift while I feed him, bathe him, read to him, take him to school, help with homework, visit with therapists each week, transport him to visits with dad, etc. And then in the end, I get the crying and upset version of him after her visit.

I think what bothers me most is that she is an alcoholic and a prescription drug abuser who passes her drug screens because she can show she was prescribed the meds......and in the end of this long placement, he will probably go right back to her in no different condition than when he left and what was it all for??

This is my first post although I have been fostering for almost two years and have been a member to the forum for a few months. I needed to vent, so thanks.

As you can tell, the stress level is high around here and we have asked for respite for a weekend soon. We have only been away from him for a couple of hours one weekend during the 5 months and we need a BREAK.

[ranoutofnames]

The only consistent thing I've found about the system in all the years and all the kids I've had is... there is nothing that makes sense.

I hope you get your respite. I think it's a wonderful option and one I must admit I don't utilize often enough.

[EZ2Luv]

This really angers me and I can certainly undestand your frustraion. This prescription drug thing is one of the oldest tricks in the book that drug addcts use to get away with getting high. The thing is if the prescription is for an optiate, no matter what optiate is taken it will still show up the same. That means heroin as well. Unless the test is done to distinguish exactly whet was found there is no way to diferentiate the difference. The test that would have to be done is very espensive and indepth and usually done by doctors or in hospital settings not in out patient clinics or by the state(CPS, probation/parole. They use the most cost efficient testing which is basicallty a pass/fail that would tell you what type of drugs were found such as opiates, benzodiapam, cannibis, ect.
The only way to insure that the person is using exactly what was prescribes is to have the prescribing doctor do random testing to make certain the person is not using anything else. Most likely the prescribing doctors are not aware of the persons substance abuse history and if they are they should be doing this type of testing.
Where I work a prescription for an opiate used to be a card blanche for them to justify using illicit drugs. Now we have it where they must sign a release to contact the prescribing doctor and exchange information and the doctor must preform this extensive testing.

Good luck on this, my heart goes out to you as I can tell you do care about this little boy's safety and well being.

EZ

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Well, a CASA worker came to the house today. I am always happy to see anyone who is on "his" side. We talked at length and she seems to be assured he will not be going home anytime soon (due to the allegation substantiation, the fact that mom is NOT coming to see him for her one hour per week, and she is not dealing with her legal issues from the past).

I wish I had more faith in our county's DCFS office, but the last time I attended family court for this child I walked in to find the judge tearing my caseworker a new one for not doing his job and making her decision-making that much harder. I-ya-ya.

I guess I am just feeling down and discouraged and need to remind myself why I am doing this. It was so kids can see a normal family life for the short time they are with us and to know there is someone in their corner who will believe them.

I don't know how foster/adopt people do it or keep babies because the idea of sending a baby back to this woman that had been with me for long-term and I had bonded with would be too much right now. So kuddos to those going out on the limb.....from the woman wrapped around the trunk of the tree.

Kim

[ANNWILL]

I so understand where everyone is coming from. Our little girls mother lied through her teeth about everything. "oh how I want all my kids back, blah blah blah" Sure she only wanted the one that we had because she had nothing wrong with her unlike the other ones. She has done absolutely NOTHING for the other ones, as a matter of fact she hasnt seen one at all. I could imagine what ours is going though, moving from here to there wondering what is going on. I wish she knew that we still loved her and are trying to get her back. She's the reason why we are doing all of this. The sytem STINKS and does not care about the welfare of these kids, it's all about the parents. It doesn't matter what they did to these kids, let's just give them back. Well there is in Gods no way are we going to let this psycho keep our little one and have her turn into what her other kids are. If this person was stable, etc then we would accept her going back but...... She keeps moving her around and all we could do is keep praying and waiting for the appeals court to do their stuff and also for the date that csb goes to court for cops for our little one. All I could do is pray to God that she comes back soon

[ALfostermom]

are you sure you are not talking about my case my fs is 4 and it sounds like our birthmom and kids are the same. she is also 46 and has three grown children who were raised by other family members. but she wants this little boy and keeps making him false promises and like you said she sees the sweet little boy on visits and i have to deal with the angry 4 year old that is mad at me, cw, and judge for not letting him go home. i have told him that judge says it's not time but he is so angry and acts out on it all the time. his tantrums last for hours the last one was coming out of wal mart and he threw himself in the middle of the road banging fists, feet, and head on the pavement. he was good and bloody by the time i was able to pick him up out of the road. to be 40 lbs when he is angry he is very stout and hard to control

[Mama Julie]

Sometimes it's so hard being a foster parent. My little guy is probably going to start visits with a violent biodad who now wants him. It's just as well that my little guy is supposed to be moved to his grandma's, because I'd be so worried about visits with biodad. Even if social workers don't expect biodad to be successful (he can't stay out of trouble for very long)... still, it's so hard on foster parents to look like they are supportive of bios.

[blubutterflies03]

I too am feeling angry and disappointed. LEt's all have a margarita to that one! I am angry that parents lie to their children to make themselves look pathetically better. I am disappointed that the parents don't start working their caseplans right away and instead drag their feets and give their children false hope. We the foster parents, are the real parents. We are doing all the mommy/daddy things. It is a darn shame when my 6 and 7 year old foster siblings tell me that when they went to McDonalds with me the other day and they got to play in the play yard in there...it was only their 2nd time ever doing that. Parents too busy off doing drugs and spending every penny they have on drugs. Not buying them food. Making them live in filth. Even poor people can feed their children, they can get food stamps. I am ticked off too.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Blu~
I'm right there with you. R is almost 6 yrs old and we took him to his first movie, his first time to go bowling, his first time to play catch with a baseball, etc. And even the ONE time that mom took him to Chuck E Cheese the people that dropped them off, left to go steal some copper and got put into jail, so he and mom had to walk home. Pathetic and the list goes on.

R's mom got out of jail a month ago. She came for visits two weeks in a row (the longest she ever goes in a row) and promised him that she had done all the the judge had ordered her to do and that he would be coming home soon. She promised him a house in the country, a horse, and a BIG welcome home party.....then we didn't see her the last two weeks. WHY the caseworker is allowing this type of conversation during visits is beyond me. They could be supervised better by a monkey.

Kim

[allGodschildren]

Remember, we're here for the kids! Enjoy doing all the "firsts." Just think about what you and your family are giving them each and everyday and how you will change their little lives in such a short period of time. No, some of these people don't deserve to have their children back. But if we focus on all the negative it will only make in harder to help the children.

This wasn't always my view! We went through some very hard times with our foster sons biological mother. Thank God we never had to deal with dad! After two years of trying for reunification, because that's what the caseworker wanted, not birthmom, she finally relinquished. This was really what was best for our boys. The boys have been on a real roller coaster for almost 3 years. Different family members have come and gone. Our family has been the only constant in their lives. I thank God that He has given us the strength to be there for them. It really has been hard, but who else is going to do it? They recently had a visit with BS who just turned one! I still talk to mom and things are going ok.

I realize that you are just venting. But I thought a word of encouragement might be helpful. Stay focused on the life you touch everyday. He'll love you for it (someday!)