[Merrimama]

Hi! I am a new poster, and have been reading the threads, and you all have such great advice, I thought I'd ask for help. I have been a foster parent since July of 07, (cute 2 year old pain in neck ) and just got a 4 year old 7 days ago. We have 2 main problems ( I know this is just the first week, and I need to be patient, but I'm not sure what to do.) Problem #1 Completely addicted to tv. Wants to watch it 24/7, whines and cries when we shut it off ( which we do anyway) and beggs for it ALLL DAY LONG. We have a playroom packed with toys and my 5 year old tries to play with him, but he just whines about wanting tv. I have no problem with tv, just not all day long! Ok- enough complaining. Prob #2 He was never made to behave- If we tell him No, he asks WHY? then proceeds to do the thing 2 seconds after we have told him not to. I;m not trying to introduce too many new rules at the beggining, but the basics such as no throwing, killing the pets :'> and other basic behaviors he just keeps doing over and over again, and time out is not working- do you guys have any ideas on how to get him to listen or even pretend to listen?

[Mkuhlmann06]

Maybe a time in vs a time out. Or put in a reward system in place - every time you tell him not to do something and he doesn't, he earns 15 mins of tv or gets a sticker and after so many stickers he gets so many mins of tv. Also, I say 1 hr of play time in play room = 15 mins of tv or something like that.

Good luck.

[momagain5]

hi,
i can relate our son was addicted to gameboy when he first came to live with us.we realized quickly he could not be permitted to keep it in his room or he would play it constantly.he had meltdowns ,when he was told game time was up.this is what he was used to doing.tv and video games are used by some parents as a babysitter.at 4 i would limiot how much tv he watches,and what programs he watches.also use tv time as a reward for good behavior,and take away tv time for bad behavior.he may not know how to play with toys.some kids are not taught this ,and have no clue how to have fun playing.play simple games with him,read to him,this will help him bond to you.playdoh,coloring and drawing are good activities for his age.our son also loves tv,and all he wants to talk about is video games and tv shows he has watched,we now limit tv even more.on school nights ,no gameboy,and very little tv.time outs or time ins,be persistent and consistent.also read love and logic,there is a book on love and logic for toddlers also.you are in charge,and he needs to know that.

[HOPE4U]

I will second Love & Logic as a great parenting tool!
Be consistent and don't give up.
It will take him time to remember the new rules- keep reminding him.
The rewards plan sounds like a good thing to try- giving him tv time as a reward for good behavior. When he is playing make sure you use encourging words to recognize what he is doing right...he will want to hear that and hoepfully continue that behavior. Someone mentioned he may not know how to play... this is true- I had one foster daughter that had no imagination- it made it really hard to play- she was never allowed to do these things at home ( no tv, books, cartoon characters, never interacted with other kids- strictly raised on the bible). It was hard, but she slowly learned to relax and have fun with lots of encouragment.

When our now adopted daughter came to live with us..it was really rough. I run a daycare, and had 3 other children her age that knew the routine and how I expect them to act...she bucked my system constantly. We have a "THINKING RUG" - the kids have to sit on it to think if thier actions and what would be a better choice, and sometimes come up with their own consequences if more is needed. We don't call it time out-it works really well.
Good luck!

[iFairy]

Perhaps you could introduce a no tv day once a week? Tell him that forwhichever day there wont be any tv, instead he can pick something for you all to do, swimming, play park or even a board game?
Then if he responds to this, introduce another no tv day where another child is able to pick what you do.

Other then that try to include him in other daily things, cooking the dinner, tidying up. Try making things into games for him so he has fun away from the tv. Reward charts my help aswell.

[MamaS]

As a person who is addicted to TV as background noise, I can relate to your fs.
I would suggest asking him which particular programs he wants to watch. Not just "turn on TV" but let him choose say 3 programs. Find out when those programs are on and let him watch only those. If possible, sit and watch the programs with him, so it is still a family activity. Then, try to base some activities on his favorite programs, i.e.
"Let's go swimming like SpongeBob." or
"Let's go to the zoo and look for animals like Diego."
Maybe you can interweave his TV world into the real world?

[ca-bigsister]

What would happen if you unplugged the tv for a couple of months and just put it in the garage or some place where he didn't see it? Then it wouldn't be a daily struggle. Yes it would be an inconvenience for everybody, but if it was a such a struggle all the time then I'd probably just get rid of it for a while. Then everybody is in the same boat.

[LollipopsAndGumdrops]

I agree with CA. I've dealt with a child truly addicted to TV. I've since read scientific studies which show the effects watching TV has on the mind, and it was no wonder to me why a preschooler couldn't handle it and acted out. It floods the body with endorphines (same thing as opiates) and when that is taken away, they really neurobiologically crash and have withdrawals.

This article's underlying commentary clearly shows the author's bias, but it is very good at explaining what happens to the brain during TV watching in layman's terms. You can google for the more scientific studies that give the same facts and details if you'd like, but for a quick read on what the TV does to your 4-yr-old, this is a good start: The Journal of Cognitive Liberties

I tried limiting and rewarding and several other things, but the only way that worked was to completely unplug the TV for many months, move the toys to a different room, and do time-ins during the meltdowns. I also had to have a strict routine for times that had been TV times so we were moving and engaged in something else and I included a mid-day exercise routine to get some endorphins flowing. I had to recognize that in this situation, the tantrums weren't anger or defiance but really uncontrollable withdrawals.

They went away really quickly, but as soon as I allowed a little TV (or websites with TV clips on them), it was like an alcoholic with a little drink and it all started again. It took a few years of nearly banning the TV to be able to reintroduce carefully chosen programs that could be occassionally watched without problems.

If you think this child is honestly addicted, which could really be the case, then I encourage you to look at this like alcoholism or a gambling addiction and not like a parenting dillemma like not sharing toys well. If it is just habit and he does have control over his tantrum then being firm and consistent and giving him other ways to fill his time will work. This privilege chart might help with that (he starts on 7 and earns or loses privileges): It Feels Like Chaos: Works for me Wednesday: A Privilege Chart

[CaddoRose]

I know you have said that time out doesn't work, but it does if you do it correctly. I haven't had a child yet that it does not work with, but you must be completely consistent and never waver, ever. When he does what you told him not to, then take him to the time out place and put him there. In my house, time out does not start until the child is quiet. The timer starts and starts over if they cry, whine or talk. I will tell you that I have had to put a child in time out again, and again for over 20 times until they stayed. I'm the parent and bigger than they are, so I just keep taking them back. I never give up.

Once they have done their time out, I get down at their eye level and tell them in as few words as possible that they choose to be in time out because they did X. O hug them, tell them they did great in time out and can now go do whatever. I will also remind them that they are not to do the thing that got them there in the first place.

Institute a reward system asap. He is old enough to understand that when he behaves he gets a reward. When he doesn't he gets time out. The reward does not have to be big. He like TV. When you tell him to not do something,l tell him if he behaves, he will get X minutes of TV. Put it on a chart so he can see it.


Don't be afraid to make the rules known right away. They desperately need the boundaries, rules and order they have not gotten before. It does take time, but if you are consistent, you will see results in soon. Any tiny result is a thing to be rewarded by the way.

I had a placement that came from a home where the stereo was blaring 24/7 with and the Dad played video games on the TV at the same time as loud as he could. These kids freaked out in my peaceful, quiet house. They couldn't sleep in quiet and did not know how to play with toys. They woke with the slightest sound because their brains had been conditioned to exist in a noisy environment. It took time, but they got time out and thrived by the time they left after 6 months here.

Pick a few programs he might like and set times when he can watch them throughout the day. Maybe 3 things spaced out. I would put the show before a meal, so you have a good reason to move him and for him to do something else he wants to do, which is eat. When they show goes off, herd him to the table and feed him and then go turn the TV off. Maybe while he is eating he won't notice and he will be less likely to throw a fit. This way, you aren't trying to find another activity to replace the TV with and giving the opportunity to say no. He will want his lunch or dinner.

I'm recommending "Love and Logic" as well and "1-2-3 Magic". Both excellent books for behavior modification.

[Newshyde]

I understand where you are coming from. My current 4yo came totally addicted to movies, not necessarily TV. He wanted to watch movies constantly and then his BD would send me lots and lots of movies after every visit and wanted his son to watch all of them before the next visit. A lot of these were PG 13 and totally inappropriate for a 4yo. He would cry and cry and cry when I said movie time was over or we don't have time for a movie.
I started out with a one movie a day rule, and two movies on Saturday and Sunday. It sounds excessive, but it was a serious drop in the amount of movie time he was used to. I also thought he couldn't play because he just wanted to watch movies and seemed so bored without it on.
However, within about 3 weeks, he was playing fabulously. He has an amazing imagination and does wonderfully. He wasn't even asking for a movie every day and we started doing game nights instead. We play Candy Land, Hi Ho Cherry O and lots of others. I've spent the last few months collecting age appropriate games. Now, he can choose between one game or one movie and he will often choose the game instead.
I think he watches 2 movies a week now, and we make it special, with movie snacks, we put a blanket on the floor and he can eat in the livingroom, which he can't do otherwise. It took awhile but we don't have the break downs and he understands that there is a time and place for movies. I also only let him watch G movies, with the occasional PG movie and its actually cut down on some of his violent tendencies as well.

As for time out, we use a unique method. I send him to sit on his bed until he is ready to comply. Since he's not manipulative, usually he'll sit there until he is ready, which can last from 3-15 minutes. Every once in awhile I give him a choice (when there is time.) Either he complies right then, or goes to time out until he is ready to comply. Either way, the screaming or ignoring while playing stops. Sometime he chooses time out and sometimes he chooses to comply. If he gets out of time out before he is ready, then he goes right back in. Time out is either on his bed without toys or on a certain chair. We've gone from having time out 10-20 times a day to 2-4 times a day. It's a big improvement.

Good luck. 4 can be a really great age, and a huge pain in the rear as well.

[thelowlanders]

Yep, would definitely have no such thing as TV. If it's that much of a battly, we would just not do it. Period. We have done this with the Xbox around here. We didn't play it for so long,that he actually forgot about it.

The "why"s- I would just answer with a why. Why can't i watch tv? Well, why can't you? what did we just talk about? And hopfully they would reitterate it.

[upbeatmom]

Wow...lots of great ideas posted already that I second whole-heartedly. With one of mine we started by having the degree of TV connection be by chance. we made a grand announcement of "TV Game Time." During that hour we played games, did puzzles, colored etc. together on the floor in the same room as the TV. We made a spinner and labeled it... TV on, TV off, TV sound only, TV picture only. We started by spinning every 5 minutes and adjusted the TV accordingly. No matter what the spin, we continued the activity. [Believe me 5 minutes was plenty long when it was a spin the child was unhappy with!]. Over the course of time we lengthened the amount of time between spins, we moved our on the floor activity center farther and farther away from the TV. Eventually we made a new spinner that had more sections with TV limited and only one "TV on" choice. It was a slow process, but it worked. Slowly the child became less dependent on TV and even better, at the same time the activities gave us the chance to teach the child other, more interactive positive activities to enjoy.

Good Luck!
Upbeat Mom