[ANNWILL]

When she was in the battered home they didn't take her away because they felt that she was somewhere safe. Mom doesn't want her to even remember us (something else she lied about in court) She said she wanted us to be a part of her life-Yeah right! We knew she was lying but she put up a front infront of everybody. We thought about offering money but like everyone said that's bribery and we could go to jail for that. All I do is cry for this little one to come back home. I just can't understand why is it so wrong for me to be a mommy? Everyone I know all they had to do is.... and they had a baby. What about me? For 5 years of treatments and now this.... I'm a good person I try to do the right things so why can't it happen for us? Someone at work said that I should talk to someone because he said that IF this doesn't work he's afraid I might do something. I did't know that it showed. I just can't understand why this thing could have babies, hurt them don't love them and could still have more and more and get them back. I have though about talking to someone. I just feel so bad for my husband-I feel that if he didn't have me then he could meet someone else and then he could have the family this great person deserves

[dakotabluebaby]

Oh ANNWILL, I wish i could just hug you.
I am so so so sorry you are hurting so much. I have been following your plight on the forums and I have been praying that this will turn out in the way that is best for his little girl. Your husband loves you, I am sure that he would rather be childless with you than with anyone else. BUT I do not belive that is your fate. I can tell you have a big heart. Even though it seems dark where you are right now DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE. when the world fades away all that will be left will be Hope faith and love. Do not forget that.
I don't know how this will end, but I will keep you in my prayers.

[ANNWILL]

I so much wish that you or someone was here to cry on. I am so glad that I could write to all of you. Sometimes I feel like I'm just losing it. The one thing that this thing hasn't taken away from me is MY HOPE. I have to be positive that she'll be back. We went to our parent training classes last night and I was talking to our trainer and she asked how I was doing and of course I balled like a baby. I told her I wouldn't be like this if she went to a good home but she's not she's with a wacko. I told her I loved being a mommy and I miss it, when I had her all my dreams came true, I didn't want anything else in my life-it was complete and now.... I hate coming home after work because nothing is there-I loved taking care of someone, someone who needed me. My husband said that he needs me but like I told him he knows how to take care of himself unlike her-she NEEDED me. I pray with all my heart that she comes back-and that's what keeps me going everyday-keeping positive that she's coming back

[athikers]

I suggested this awhile back and I'll say it again. I think you should seek support, if you don't want to go to a counselor, find a support group for parents who have lost children. I know your circumstances will not be like theirs, but you lost your child none-the-less and they will help you through this. And love on that hubby of yours, it is very hard on couples to lose kids... even if we are "just" fostering. Because we all know your heart doesn't know the difference between "just" fostering and being their mom and dad forever.

[JSAUNTIE]

Hey anna I sent you a private message

[melemitz1]

Ann, My heart goes out to you!!! Shame on the system and those case workers that don't have that child's best interest in mind. They may need to think about the line of work they are in!!!! I can't imagine feeling the way you do and feeling so helpless while they just string you along for the ride. It makes me angry just reading all of your posts. I started reading and couldnn't stop. I pray that God intervenes and makes the right thing happen for your little one!!!!! She deserves to be back in your home and having a "normal" life. What in the *&^* are these people thinking????? There has to be some way to fix this injustice!!!! That poor poor little girl!!!!!!!! I will say a prayer tonight for you that this works out best for you!!!!!! Until then, keep your head up and keep fighting for that little girl!!! She deserves it and you are the only voice she has obviously!!!! My heart goes out to you!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mel

[ANNWILL]

I just have to believe that with all of these prayers that God is getting that she WILL be back. Well like I said before, the caseworker is upset about how she lied to her (well hello, who was the one that told you she didn't change and who at the beginning said that she was NOT going to get "hooked" in on her lies) Well guess what I hope she can't sleep at night knowing what she did to this little girl. They say they are for the kids-Right! Who is she kidding? All I want to know is where this little girl is. All she tells us is that she is "ok" OK is not good-if she was good then she would tell us that she's doing this, etc. not ok. and to tell us to keep our license-something is going on. I want to be happy again. Like is told our trainer I was so happy and I wouldn't be like this if she was in a good home but she is not

[bulrusmama]

I've been reading your posts for awhile now and I just wanted to let you know that I've been there. We went through fertility treatments for 7 years and finaly gave up. A few years after that we did a private independant adoption and after we had the kids for almost a year the mom lied to the courts and said we "tricked" her into giving her kids up. In the judge's eyes she was a poor little victim and we were villans for taking her children from her. She was the world's best liar. We never saw the kids again, that was 12 years ago. I know they went back into a neglectful situation and the little girl had been sexually abused. There's more to it, but I won't go into it all. Anyway, I remember crying to my pastor and asking why God would be so cruel to let this happen and he told me something I never forgot. He said that the reason I had that desire in my heart for a child was because God had special plans for me. Even though it seemed like God was being mean, He really wasn't because He was the one who put that desire there for a very special reason. Today, we have two chidren. One adopted from Bulgaria and one from Russia. They are my life. I can't imagine it being any other way. We've met the most interesting people in our travels and we would do it all again given a chance. Now we are going through the foster care system for our third child. Please do get some therapy for yourself. Like the poster said before, you need to take care of yourself because you don't know when you'll be called upon for this little girl. You deserve therapy. You are a good person and you deserve the best. What sounds like the best for you right now is take care of your marriage and yourself while God does His thing. I hope I didn't offend you because that is the last thing I want to do. I love you and I'm sorry this is happening to your family.
bulrusmama

[sdiedre]

Please - get therapy.......PLEASE. For your husband's sake, if for no other reason.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

BOTH of you need to be seeing a therapist or grief counselor. You are both in need of it---you just happen to be the woman wearing her heart on her sleeve like a good momma does and he is trying to be the supportive, strong one like good daddies do. But right now, you need to see someone where you get to be the grieving parents who lost a child.

We are all praying for you and you dh.

[lightlove]

Hello, Annwill. I read this thread from the beginning. Your pain is palpable, and I offer my sincerest sympathy.
I have had my involvement with the family courts in my own relocation case a while back. Although I know it is a completely different situation, some of what I hear in your "voice" resonated with me.

I hope you will take this advice with the love in which it is given.
Your anger is justifiable, there is no question of that. It is so unfair, what has transpired. Your pain is real, and your misery as well. But I know from experience, that unless you get your anger and your life back under control...you will not prevail in any court, or in the big picture of your life purpose, either. I did not, until my own anger was transformed.

The energy you are sending out is so strong, I feel it through your words. There is no question that you feel like a victim. And you are, and so is this little girl.
But the energy of anger and pain and victimization is a very intense, out of control energy.
This is why you are feeling so awful. It also may be why things are not going well, and it is certainly why you cannot see that things are as they need to be for the moment. (Our paths are rarely explained to us while we are on them.)

YES, what happened and what is happening is unfair and wrong. And NO, I am not meaning to say that you caused any of this!

But guess what? No amount of anger will ever fix it. Why? Because anger, when it is not productively channelled into appropriate action (or is prevented from doing so...as in your case), is a negative emotion and it attracts more negativity. You are sinking in the mire of pain and feeling it, breathing it, eating it and maybe that is just where you need to be right now. And that's fine.

But when you are really ready to get up out of the swamp of pain, no amount of anger and pain will take you out.

We get what we focus on. You are focusing on the pain, and with all my heart, I completely understand why you would be there.

But how can you create something positive out of such negativity? When I got asked that question (and I chose to respond) my life changed. It is a lot of hard work, but I also got help with therapy, and I lovingly suggest you look into it.


Your husband may be smarter than you know. Not being able to "do this again" makes sense right now. You need to heal before you bring in any child as salve
for the pain.

This child is already your miracle, as hard as that is to see. You are already hers. Don't run from this pain, embrace it and find out what it is teaching you.

I am sending you energy that is peaceful, strong and
loving. I will choose to picture you as breathing calmly while you walk out of the swamp.

Keep the picture in your head of what you WANT, not what you DON'T WANT, and walk toward that light. Darkness cannot survive in the presence of light.

Bless you

[ANNWILL]

Thank you all for all of your understanding too bad you're not here with me to cry on. But listening to others who have or are going through with what I am makes me feel like I am not going crazy. I am going to look into talking to someone, that I do know. I see why my husband does not want to do this again and I understand but my life is so lonely without having a child around. I know I shouldn't be jealous of others who have what I want but.....I'm trying though. What keeps me going is the HOPE that she's coming home. I have to believe that God IS watching and listening because she still is here and things are going on. I pray every moment there is and I tell her to be strong. Yes sometimes I do get in that "mood" but then I think that I wouldn't be doing her any good by not being here for her so I am going to fight with all of my might. Like some other foster parents told us don't give up and fight-that's what I have to do. She WILL be back, just like all of her other kids. That's what happens to them-it's a pattern with her-she will never change

[lightlove]

Annwill, you sound so good. The hope you hold onto IS the light. Keep it shining. Bless you. The love you send your little girl each moment will carry both of you through.
lightlove

[ANNWILL]

When I read what you wrote to me i just wanted to cry. My heart broke because I know that isn't me talking or thinking that way. But as you know when things are not going the way you want them to... Like you said my focus is being POSITIVE. My negativity is seeing what these people are doing to this little girl who doesnt deserve any of this and they do not care except for CASA (GAL) and us. I KNOW she's coming back and she and us will be happy again. Just pray that the courts see the same. So many prayers are out there for her that my miracle will happen.

[lightlove]

Annwill,
I did not wish to make you cry. I hope it's the kind of crying that happens with relief. I do not know you or your situation perse, but I know about life (a little) so take this with whatever amount of salt you'd like!

I know (from much experience) that owning our emotions is hard work, and in my case, I beat myself up a lot when I first accepted my part in what was going on. You can skip that part. It's not necessary.

Someone is not always to "blame". There are rarely bad guys and good guys...instead it's about acceptance and seeing that not everyone understands the core of love (call it what you will...) or "God". Not everyone understands that we are connected. The abusers and selfish people are just detached from love. We don't have to take their abuse, but we will only abuse ourselves if we can't see the power we give them by putting all our energy in anger toward them.

By focusing on your love for this girl, and not the horrible "parenting" she was born into, or the complicated and frustrating (I know) court system, you will create a miracle for yourself.

What I learned (so far...I have a long way to go) is that what I think should happen and what the universe has in store for me is, at first blush, very different. When I examine it, though, I realize that things unfold as they should.

This little girl has a life purpose and path to walk, as do you. Amazing things are forged from difficulty. Perhaps this thought can help you to relax, even though you feel pain. Pain is an amazing (if relentless) teacher.

I look back on when I was most in pain, and at what I most desired at that time, and now it has transpired. It took a long time, but if I had not had that time to feel the pain, and turn it into learning, I'm not sure I would fully appreciate how amazing life truly is. Other people were involved, and they had their part to play, and their lessons to learn. I was angry for a long time. No way was the universe going to comply with my "wishes" at that time. However, I see now, that it actually did comply with how I felt (anger and pain) and gave me more until I figured it out.

We will never be free of pain in life. We are human. How we view pain is what can change. Whether it uses us or we use it is the challenge.

The negative is there. The bad feelings, the sorrow. Let it be. Don't fight it while you are trying to focus on the positive. Ask it to show you what you are suppose to learn. And then allow yourself to learn.

And in the back of your head, and in the center of your heart, never let go of the love you have for this child and your sincere wish for her to grow up knowing that love.

Peace and love and light to you