[ANNWILL]

Jennifer,
I so feel that you now exactly how I feel. Last night i had a real meltdown. All I did was cry and cry. I pray everyday and other people too, that she comes back. I so want to call her but I see where my husband is coming from but all I want to do is hear her little voice. I know that I'll cry some more because she's not here. The holidays are so UGH! I just can't get into the mood. They feel so empty that I just don't want to go on anymore. I tell people that they have to push me into doing things, I just don't want to do anything anymore. For Christmas we were going to send her a gift card but knowing her mother, she wouldn't get it,same as for money. So what I'm going to do is send her a card with the family's pictures. Is that wrong? I am so lost right now. My whole life is crumbling down on me and I can't get out

[mama2-8]

I am sure it will comfort your daughter to have the picture. When I went through our ordeal loosing our kids, calling is exactly what lead them back. It was hard everytime to hear them on the other end, but I tried to just act as a support in the beginning. Small talk about the kids never putting my emotions out there so that the bfamily didn't feel defensive. It sparked something, and the first person they called when things went bad over a month later, was us. That started the whole process, it wasn't untill six months later that CPS got involved with the family again, but when they did we were there to stand up and say we want them. Do you think you could reach out to the bmom even maybe starting with a simple card, or phone call to just say hi, and see how SHE was doing. It may make a difference if she feels like you are on her side as a support rather that her feeling defensive over who the mother is. I wouldn't suggest talking to your little one to much but also maybe just sending cards ect so that she knows you have not abandoned her. I am still praying for you, just keep hanging on. Faith is believing without seeing, by trusting him you have to also trust that he is in control no matter the outcome.

[ANNWILL]

It's been some time but I found out our little one is not doing well where she is. She's acting out, having tmeper tantrums, etc. I know it's good for us but not for her. I just pray to God everyday that she comes back. We still have to go through the appeals court and hopefully she'll come home. Found out too that mom and her husband both lied about going to Philly. He lost his job-if he even had one. Now with the holidays coming could someone tell me how to do it? How do you have the holiday spirit when all of this is going on? How do you go on knowing how much you hurt?

[athikers]

We are looking at going from three babies yesterday, to two today, to one within a few weeks and possibly an empty house at Christmas. Honestly, I will not stay in my house, I won't be able to bare it, so we will travel and be away from here for the actual holidays if need be. It is so hard. I'm sorry for all you are going through.

[ANNWILL]

I know eactly how you feel. People told me to put up decorations for me and my husband. In a way it felt ok but I am soooo lonely. It just won't be the same knowing that the Christmas's she had with us will not be the same where she is now. She was used to having so many things. We still keep some of her pictures up and we talk about her which helps. Also keeping busy and being around people helps me too. I cry almost everynight thinking and praying that my baby comes home

[ANNWILL]

things have been going on that I wish our little one would come home. We found out that now the police came to the house where they are staying for domestic violence. Great, that's all this little one needs. She had NEVER seen anything like that for 4-1/2 years. I hate to wish something to happen to somebody but.. I sure wish something would happen to her so she'll come back home. This Christmas is so much a humbug

[JJemail1]

Was DCF notified? I hope so. This is totally unacceptable. I'm still praying for you.

Jennifer

[ANNWILL]

Would you believe that they are the ones who told me? My husband and I did what everybody told us to do-put up some Christmas decorations and it was ok. Now that it's coming soon, the pain is coming and boy is it hard and it hurts so much. We don't even want it to come-last night we had a breakdown and I thought it was enough,that was wrond I came in today crying. I miss her so much. I want my baby home. How do you go on? How do you have a life again? This hurts so much and I hate to say this but at times I feel like not living anymore. I know that's a cop out but this hurts so much and that's the way I feel.

[JJemail1]

I only experienced a fraction of the pain you must feel and that was enough to make me have the feelings you're having. Keep staying strong...God hasn't forgotten about you and will bring you through this.

I'm not you but based on my experience, I would report the latest info. to whoever you trust at the agency. This is extremely pertinent to your case and could be the straw that breaks the camel's back when it comes time for your appeal to be deliberated.

On another note...one of my defense mechanisms after our reunification was participating in toy drives fgor foster children...it did help me feel the spirit of the season.

Warmly,
Jennifer

[ANNWILL]

It is actually our little girl's caseworker who told our caseworker. When she finds out something she calls us and then I call our lawyer. I wish you were here for me. I wish you lived near me so i could cry on your shoulder. I'm not usually like this, I'm usually happy and stuff but this.... I just wish I could have somebody here who truly understands what we are going through. these past few days have truly stunk. Christmas is coming so close and she's not here.

[ANNWILL]

Well I guess you all know just how our Christmas went. TERRIBLE. It was just not the same as when we had our little one. It was the most lonely day of our lives. We miss her so much. Waking up on Christmas day was so disgusting. We sat there watching TV-so much joy. Just thinking of how her day was going to be-not like the ones that she's used to. We usually go to our relatives houses for visiting and instead we went to bed. My husband had to work a few days and I sat there crying while he worked. I miss that little girl so much. My life is gone. I know there still is the appeal but right now I feel so gone. There's nothing to live for. I just pray that she comes back to the family who loves her. There was a relative who said we should bribe her with money to get her back. She said everyone would pitch in. I told her let's see what happens with the courts. I pray and so does everyone else that she comes back. I have to believe that she will, mom's lies and past comings are coming back to haunt her.

[JJemail1]

Forgive me in advance for asking this maybe stupid question: will her mom allow you to visit her?

[ANNWILL]

That's one of the things she made herself look good. She told everyone that she wanted us to still be a part of her life. What a lie!

[JJemail1]

I'm sorry to hear that. It would be so much healthier for her if you could at least visit.

[5BoysMom]

ANNWILL,
I've been reading your blog and just signed up as a user to be able to respond. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I cried for you and will pray for you.
I dont want to be inappropriate, but I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I am going through a very similar situation right now, and was wondering if there is anything you wish you would have done. I have a FS that I got when he was 11 weeks old, he is now 2 1/2 years old. The court has been dragging this out giving the mom more and more time. We went to TPR trial last June and lost, the mom was given 6 more months on a new case plan as of last November. We go back to court in March. I just called his GAL and told her about some of the things that I read in your blog, like the bonding assessment, and the childs rights, so she is going to check into that. Is there anything else? My case worker told me that because of the Foster agreement that I signed and I can not get an attorney, and if I did, he would no longer be able to support me. I just have a gut feeling that this is not going to end well for me.