[JJemail1]

ANNWILL,

Just checking in to let you know you're in my thoughts.

If you have appeals pending, don't go to the media. If not, I think it's time to.

This birth mother is completely oblivious to the idea that her biological daughter is psychologically YOUR DAUGHTER. How on earth "the powers that be" allowed this short transition is beyond me. This mother has to be crazy to think one can just turn off your daughter's love for you and her friends like a light switch. She can never make your daughter forget you and your husband--her parents--no matter where she moves or how she tries to jolt your little one into what she perceives to be family life.

This one kills me. I really feel like flying out there and picketing at the court house.

I'm praying for you and your daughter.

Jennifer

[ANNWILL]

My baby leaves Friday and my heart is hurting so much. I miss her and I want her back. She is and always will be. We'll see if her mother will let her call us once shes gone. If she does, I just can't stand it that we can't tell her who misses her and who we see. Some choice words want to come out but....I want my miracle why isnt it here?

[chickieboom]

I am praying for you and your little girl...

[ANNWILL]

Last night my husband gave the stepfather the teddy bear that she wanted. Well my mother-in-law called and she said she just a call from our little girl. She was hysterical. The mom said she keeps crying and screaming that she wanted her nana and missed her and wanted to see her. Well she seen her and said that she was fine when she was there but when she went to leave she went hysterical again. Mom just blamed CSB for taking for so long but she will never take the blame for this-since it was her that put her in care. Eventually she did calm down. I feel for this little girl-why can't mom open her heart and see that she is better off with us. Plus she kept saying she wanted to live with us. And at first we were the other mommy and daddy, then foster and now our names. Look what she's doing to this little ones brain. She wants her to forget her past-guess what she can't. Please God give us our miracle-please

[JSAUNTIE]

These parents often see their children as property instead of the gift they are. They dont care about the harm they are doing just that they want their children. I feel for you I really do. Our Bio dad said he wouldnt even discuss adoption because his son is his legacy and he didnt want him to have our name. Nothing about how he is better off with us because we have heat, electricity, water. Ok I am going to start ranting here so I better stop I feel for you our little one might be going home as well so I will include you into our prayers.

[mommytoEli]

Your story breaks my heart...and is hitting way too close to home. In 2003, we had a newborn placed with us....after 15 very rocky months, we were able to adopt him. I was totally naive.....I thought this was normal, then we had a 2nd newborn placed with us, who returned home after 4 months. We let our license lapse because we realized we were not cut out for this path. To this day, I go in and check on my son, now nearly 4.5, and I still cry a few times a week so thankful that everything turned out well for us, knowing that it was more likely it should not have. I have thought more than once, that I would not have lived a normal life had my first baby been removed from my arms. I don't know what I would do without him. So...I semi-understand your grief. I am so sorry for your pain and loss, and so saddened by what your daughter must be going through. It is not wrong to want to be a mother, and it is not wrong that you desire to continue to parent this child you have cared for and loved for SO long. You have every right to be upset, angry, sad, and disappointed. Please make sure that you take some time for yourself, and for your husband who also sounds like he is hurting alot, also. Please continue to come here for support, or seek out other foster/adopt parents in your area who may have gone through a similar experience. Often times, foster family agencies have support groups, so at the very least you may want to call the nearest one (even if it was not yours) and see if they have a group you can meet with. While nothing will ever replace your daughter, it is easier to get through the week knowing you have a family you can call who understands your pain and will listen to you.

Hang in there. I know it is hard....and I am so sorry!

[ANNWILL]

Everyday is getting so much harder to go on. I just can't take all of her pictures down-I just can't-she's my baby and I miss her. Sometimes I catch myself almost calling out to her. I pray everyday for God to bring her back to us. She's my life and my life is gone, I feel so empty. I hate coming home from work to a dead house-she used to bring so much to us. Even though she would drive us nuts, I still loved her with all of my heart

[mama2-8]

I can feel your pain in your words. My heart hurts with you, if I could I would reach out and hug you. I hate this system that doesn't care about children. Oh how it hurts. Keep praying for your miricle. With the faith of a mustard seed God can move mountains. My children were taken and they came back so I know first hand how you feel. I wanted to die! God lifted me out of that place and placed me on his High place. Praise be to God, I adopted my children and they never have to go back again. It is so painful, and I am believing for a miracle for you.
Where two or more are gathered in my name their am I in your midst.
Don't give up! Hang on! If you ever want to talk you can contact me anytime.
The Journey

[ANNWILL]

I pray everyday for a miracle to happen. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I miss her so much, I can't believe after 4 years this is happened. I pray to God that either she gives her bio such a hard time that she realizes that she can't do it or give her a heart where she sees that this little one belongs with us. I hurt so much everyday. Last night I did something where people would really think I am crazy-I brought her picture to the bathroom while I took a bath since we always took one just to be near her. I want to be happy again-please God help her come home

[athikers]

Annwill,

Please don't think you are the slightest bit crazy. And, please don't take your daughter's pictures down. She's was/is your daughter even if she's not in your home.

We lost an "adoptive" placement after 7+ months and I felt like my children had died, it was horrible. Like you, we thought we were going to get to adopt them, so when they went to relatives it was extremely, extremelly painful. I grieved for weeks and weeks and still do. So, I can only imagine the kind of grieving you are going through after YEARS.

Consider getting grief counseling or joining a group for parents who've lost children, if you haven't been there its so very difficult to understand.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[ANNWILL]

You are not going to believe this but Monday CSB called me at work and told me that they had a 3 day old baby girl, drug exposed. Mom had 3 other children, 2 went with relatives and 1 she gave up. I started to cry because I couldn't believe that they had called. Of course rights were not terminated and of course nothing is guaranteed. All I did was cry-not again. I told them to call my husband because my heart was hurting. It's only been 3 weeks since my angel left and we're still aching. I told them that we were not going to foster again because we've been burned now more than once. I just have hope that our angel is coming back. All I kept thinking was what if..... Deep down I knew I wasn't ready and I told them if she comes up for adoption, sure but I just can't go through this court stuff again. Who knows who long this one would of stayed. As much as I wanted to.... What's wierd is that when I went home I didn't feel guilty this time, maybe it wasn't right. I don't know. Right now i pray our angel comes back but in the mean time we are looking at other things-I hope that's right. All I want is to be a mommy, a family. I also told them we are not only looking at babies but also up to 4 or 5

[mama2-8]

Four and Five are fun ages. Thanks for the update, how is your DH handleing this all? Is he ready to try it agian?

[ANNWILL]

He keeps alot inside. He tells me that he's my rock but I told him I don't want a rock I want him to tell me how he feels. He doesn't want to foster-to-adopt again, he just wants to adopt. With what happened this time I can't blame him. I don't think I can have all that pain again-besides it's still there. I miss her terribly. He also said it's too soon after this one. I still pray everyday for her to come back. She's my life. I do look at a wedsite-adoptuskids and look there for kids who are a little older which we don't care.

[JJemail1]

ANNWILL,

You and your husband are champions. I really admire your strength and I continue to pray for you.

In NJ foster parents can opt to designate themselves as a "select home"--a foster certified AND adoptive home that accepts children free and clear for adoption. This ranges from abandoned newborns to children who become adoptable whose foster parents can't or don't intend on adopting. You might check with your agency and inquire if there's a similar designation there.

Also, I found we had more success out of state when I called each state's agency and submitted our homestudy to be reviewed and held. Getting the word out has proven key for us. We were getting inspected to maintain our license and we mentioned to the inspector that we didn't intend on fostering due to our nightmare re-u and he told us his fiance--a placement rep--just happened to be looking for an adoptive home for a 1 yr old boy. He ended up going somewhere else before we were able to make contact but the rep kept our info hung at her desk and called us with our little girl we have now.

Anyway, please do adopt. Any child would be blessed to have you and your DH as parents.

Take care of yourself,
Jennifer

[jjjjmom]

Just keep praying ANNWILL as long as she exists there is hope. If she doesn't come back then you just have to accept God's will as much as it hurts.

My baby was gone for a whole month! and I never gave up. He did come back to me. I am now in the process to adopt him. The waiting period it's not going fast enough for me!

I will pray for you to get your miracle. For now thank God your little girl is alive and "well"

The way you describe the parents and the home, I would not be surprised at all if she comes back.

Believe!