[waited2long]

Anyone who feels that some of the recent posts are a little harsh, should read all of the OP's posts.

She is very direspectful of this little girl's mother, a Foster parent she probably has never met and has a skewed view of domestic violence. I realize she may just be venting, but you can vent without insulting others.

The OP says she has cancer and is obviously still grieving the little girl that was RU'd.

She needs to take care of herself, body and mind, before bringing another child into her home.

I don't think any of us are trying to hurt her, but she needs a wake-up call, she needs help.

All this stress is not good for a person battling cancer...

[EZ2Luv]

I am so glad that someone spoke up . I really do feel for the OP and pray that she is able to let this go and trust that God HAS answered prayer. God's WILL is that this little girl be home safe with her mother.

Honestly I stopped reading this thread during the summer because it was like the OP was wishing harm on this little girl and her family so she could get the little girl back.

IMO that is selfish and God would NEVER answer prayers like that.
God bless this little girls biomom, she obviously did work her caseplan and did the right thing. Right enough that a judge, CPS and everyone calling the shots saw fit to reunite this family.

I honestly do not believe that God would have a baby placed in the OP's home until she is able to heal and move beyond this.

Babies and children are a blessing from God, not a prize or a gift that a person can wish for, least of all wish harm on a family to get what you want.

Annwill, I really do feel sad that you are hurting and pray that you are able to get some help to resolve these issues.

I also, believe that these case workers are well aware of your desperation for a baby no matter what the cost.
I cannot help but think that because of your attitude, these very caseworker would never place a baby with you in your home.
There are so many PAPs and APs here that have had failed placements and are hurting too. Whether the bmom decided to parent or the babies were reuinted, you are not owed a child.
When you truly love someone you wish them well and all the best and pray for their happiness even if you are hurting. This is what a mother does, she put the child's needs and happiness before her own no matter how much it hurts.

Until you get passed this, I do not believe that you will be getting a baby anytime soon.

EZ

[mom2behappy]

the same thing and I didn't even know this thread was that long 3 yrs ago. i often wondered if anwill was just someone lookng for attention here. regardless if this is a true story and its been 3 yrs since this baby was reunited with her mom and annwill is still praying something goes wrong thats insane. this child has to be 7 going on 8 @ this point. I believe that Annwill needs some kind of therapy and maybe even meds

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

Babies and children are a blessing from God, not a prize or a gift that a person can wish for, least of all wish harm on a family to get what you want.

When you truly love someone you wish them well and all the best and pray for their happiness even if you are hurting.
EZ

I think this is what upset me the most. You put it beautifully. When you love someone, you would never wish harm to come to them. That isn't love. If she loved that little girl, she would never wish her to be unhappy in her home with her Mommy. She wouldn't rejoice when the child grieved her loss over her foster home.

Is it hard to say goodbye when your heart is breaking? Heck yeah! But, as foster parents, we do it anyway. Many a night I would cry over the loss but in front of the child, I put on my cheerful & hopeful face. I owe it to the child to do what is best for HER not what's best for me. True love does what's best for the child regardless of the pain. I'm an adult. I can take it. But that poor little child that Annwill was caring for? She was just a little thing. And she deserved to be helped and transitioned with love. Can you imagine how she felt? She knew how Annwill felt about the biofamily. Kids are smart. She knew Annwill didn't like this biomom. It may have contributed to the child's grief and loss because her own foster family was against it. She deserved to move on feeling safe and loved from BOTH parties. It's just heartbreaking. The whole situation is just heartbreaking. But the victim in this case is the little girl who left a foster home where she was loved and sent to a bio family without the blessing of the foster parent. And as a result, she didn't have the confidence and security that she needed to transition.

Foster parents must be ready to make these huge sacrifices out of love. Is it easy? No. It's heartbreaking. But we have to do the right thing. We're the grown ups. We have to be responsible.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by mom2behappy

i often wondered if anwill was just someone lookng for attention here. regardless if this is a true story and its been 3 yrs since this baby was reunited with her mom and annwill is still praying something goes wrong thats insane.

It's funny you should say that. I mentioned that this morning in a pm. Maybe Annwill was never a foster mom but comes here for attention because she isn't getting what she needs in her real life. I hope that is not the case. However, considering that she has never contributed to any posts/threads except to comment on her own sad status or add more bad news to her own story, it has to make you wonder. I went through every post she has ever made before making my post yesterday. She only contributed and commented in posts to tell her own story of pain. It would be a shame to think that someone would come here and scam people for "support". But...either way, we're talking about a real person who needs help.

Whether she is a real suffering person who is "traumatized" (in her own words) by her experience with foster/adopt or just some lady seeking attention on the web because she's feeling lonely and neglected in her real life, she's in need of more help than we can provide on these boards. People deserve to be happy. Annwill deserves to be happy and feel fulfilled. And if you're not happy, you owe it yourself to get help. No one can do it for you. Pity you receive on an internet forum cannot make up for what is missing in your real life. No matter how old you are or how badly you are feeling, you can get the help and support from a professional who can guide you into becoming a happy person.

Now..some people don't want help. Just like hypocrondriacs would never want someone to tell them they look healthy, some people enjoy feeling blue and depressed. They like to wallow in pity. If that's the case, Annwill isn't going to get the help she needs. She's going to continue posting bad news and continue waiting for the "Poor you. I'll be praying for you" posts. I do pray for you Annwill. And I hope others will too.

[Suziebearhugs]

Originally Posted by ANNWILL

We got a beautiful 3 mo. old girl in 2003

I think all these negative posts lately towards ANNWILL is a bit much,and I'm not sure where you get that it's been 3 years since the child has been re-untied with the mother.

She says she got her "baby" in 2003 at the age of 3 months. She then fostered her for 4 1/2 years and just recently left to be re-united with the mother in the end of 2007.

I'm sorry but ANY foster mom who has fostered a child since infancy to 4 1/2 years would certianly feel and have a right to feel that they are and always will be a MOTHER to that child.

I went back and read through all her posts again and while yes, many of them do reflect on her emotions of loss and desperation to have her child back and her desire to be a mother.

She has good reason to have concerns for this child. It's only been about a year that the child has been home. The child came into care because of 3 broken bones and multiple bruises. She already knows the crazy, unstable life this mother and ALL her children have been through all these years and just after the child was returned home to the mom, she was continually told by social workers and attorney's that the child will most likely come back into care. All the reports she has heard from all of them have not been good. The child is not adjusting well, is crying hysterically and acting out, the child is sleeping on a matress on the floor together with the other children and they don't have food, just in the few months after she went home the mother was involved in domestic violence, where SHE tried to run over the husband and that she reported she was on drugs, she then choose to go to a battlered womans shelter. Where they were agian told things weren't going very well but they couldn't tell them about it. Enough that all of the children still were being followed and that she was or may be loosing custody of some or all based on whatever those circumstances were they were watching for. Then they were told she got mad at the shelter and left and no one knew where they were. Then she was told the mother was trying to get back together with one of her other kids fathers, where there were also cases of domestic violence.

The appeals case for this girl was just closed in what? July of this year. Where of course she was still being told that her girl might be coming back.

Then, now that the appeals case is over in the face of all this evidence (because they are not accepting new evidence into the appeal case)...and basically only closign the appeal based on technicalities and lies (sorry...no mother would go 1 1/2 years without seeing their child..without filing something with the courts during that time to say she was being denied visits). She only did this later as another last ditch effort.

How can you not sympathize with the pains she is going through. Not only at the loss of the child she mothered for 4 1/2 years. (regardless if this was not her biological child...she WAS a mother to her, in her heart and every other way that mattered, except legally).

How can you not understand her pain also comes from the knowledge that her baby, the baby she raised, that she protected, that she gave love and stability to was thrust into a situation of instability, drugs, violence, and now was living in a shelter and from all reports was still not happy and not adjusting well.

I agree it's not a nice thing to wish harm to those you love, or to wish that she fail and the child be returned (before she was exposed to too much). She herself even said that no she doesn't want her child hurt. BUT she wanted something to happen that would PROVE what everyone, the social workers, attorneys and of course her and her husband have known all along. That this was NOT the best situation for her and was NOT in the best interest of the child.

Sometimes bad people get away with BAD things. Sometimes our justice system does NOT work and people get away with things...even murder....based on loop holes and people not doing their jobs correctly.

This is clearly one of those cases where justice did not prevail. Where the needs of the child were not served (especially in a timely mannor).

I agree that the self pity and the world owes me attitude is not the best way to go. But I also understand that much of that is coming from the grief, loss and pain she has suffered and has continued to suffer as she waits to see what will eventually happen with this little girl. This is still raw and open because it Just happened...only a couple months ago the appeal was overturned.

Now is the time when she is left alone. With no courts on her side to give her the hope that maybe the decision will be over turned. All she is left with is her faith that God will protect this little girl. No she doesn't want her hurt. But knowing the situation and the mother's actions in the past and her continued instability and tend towards staying in abusive relationships her only hope now is that if soemthing is goign to happen that it will happen sooner rather than later so her dd won't have to be exposed to that life and craziness to much longer.

It's sad that you are all being so hard on her at a time she is already feeling abandoned and alone in the world. Knowing that she is the only one who truly longs for what is best for this child. The safety and security of the life she knew. That is a mothers love. She hurts in her heart with all the emotions of a mother who has lost her own child, to a situation that is just to scary to even imagine.

How do you heal that pain? How do you stop thinking about that child you love and raised from infancy and cared for as your own? I would think it's like a mother who's child was abducted. You would always live with that hope that someday they would return to the arms of your safety and love. You'd pray that someday they will find a way out without being too damaged in the process by all they had been through. That it would be sooner than later. That something would happen that would make people see what was going on and rescue that child from that situation.

ANNWILL- I'm sorry you have been judged so harshly. You do not need this, especially right now.

I do agree with others that what you need and deserve is counseling to help you work with this terrible loss and pain you have been under and will likely continue to be under until the day she returns to you or until the day your heart finds the peace that it needs to move foreward with the trust that God will be with your little one through the good and bad times and will never leave her side, even if she must continue to live with her mother. She will always know and remember the love you had for her and the security she felt in your home and in your arms. You will always be the first mother she ever knew and no one can take that away from either of you.

God Bless you for all you've been through and please get yourself a counselor. You deserve to have someone help you through this difficult time so you can find a way to heal and make life worth living, especially as you struggle with your fight against cancer.

[MassachusettsMom]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

I used to be a naive member of the general public, thinking that foster care was this great thing our country had to help children and families in crisis. I never knew about the other side--families and fparents that go into this to "grow their families".

I have to defend myself here. I DID go into this to "grow my family." I was recruited by DSS as an adoptive parent. Our little boy was placed with us as a legal-risk pre-adoptive placement while DSS pursued what they believed was a slam-dunk TPR. We were told all the way up until he was court-ordered RUed that his birthfamily was not a safe place for him to be. Even once he was RUed, we were told that DSS believed it would just be a matter of time before he was pulled again.

I now realize we were naive to believe DSS and their goals and timetables. But at the time, we believed them when they said "this is your son." And although I faked it through the RU transition, I am not happy that he is living with violent substance-abusers. And I fully expect that three years from now I will still be sad that he didn't have the opportunity to remain part of our family. Not because I want to steal someone else's child, but because I want what is best for a child who I love.

Perhaps I am projecting too much of my own story onto Annwill, but I do feel sympathy for her struggle to overcome her loss and her wish that the little girl be in a better place.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by MassachusettsMom

I have to defend myself here. I DID go into this to "grow my family." I was recruited by DSS as an adoptive parent. Our little boy was placed with us as a legal-risk pre-adoptive placement while DSS pursued what they believed was a slam-dunk TPR. We were told all the way up until he was court-ordered RUed that his birthfamily was not a safe place for him to be. Even once he was RUed, we were told that DSS believed it would just be a matter of time before he was pulled again.

I now realize we were naive to believe DSS and their goals and timetables. But at the time, we believed them when they said "this is your son." And although I faked it through the RU transition, I am not happy that he is living with violent substance-abusers. And I fully expect that three years from now I will still be sad that he didn't have the opportunity to remain part of our family. Not because I want to steal someone else's child, but because I want what is best for a child who I love.

Perhaps I am projecting too much of my own story onto Annwill, but I do feel sympathy for her struggle to overcome her loss and her wish that the little girl be in a better place.

Please know that I do not feel everyone that fosters to adopt is out to keep any child placed with them, and I also did not mean to imply that it was wrong. I was just very surprised that it was a common practice.

I also am not advocating for children to be reunited with birth family and go into an unsafe environment. I want to tell you that I appreciate, very much, everything you did for your foster son. I am so sorry to hear that you were treated like that, and that your fson is perhaps in a dangerous placement right now.

There are many cases like mine, however, and others who have posted on this site, who are trying to bring a family member home and the foster family blocks that for no other reason than "they fell in love". That is wrong. It isn't that I feel the birthfamily adults have a right to the child, I feel the children have a right to be with their birthfamily whenever it is safe and appropriate.

When a foster parent says they love a child, to me, that says they are probably a wonderful foster parent. Their hearts are warm and open, and the child is receiving everything they need and more.

I also feel that CPS office/procedures/laws need to change. It is awful to have raised a child from infancy to several years old, and then be expected to transition them to another home with a smile and happy heart. It is also wrong to be told, as you were, that TPR was going to happen and then have the child taken away from you. I think both sides of a foster situation do not get straight answers.

In my situation, there was never, ever, any mention of TPR. Goal was always RU with birthmother, or with my husband and me. Fparents just decided-we want this one. Ultimately, it made it harder for our lil guy. He's OK-adoption was just over 2 yrs ago, BTW.

I don't mean to hijack this thread, and I apologize for going into detail about my experience. thank you for giving me the opportunity to respond to you, MMom. I sincerely hope that your wish to adopt a child comes true very soon.

[waited2long]

I don't think any of us are really being unfeeling towards the OP.

I think we are all trying to tell her to seek help. She has made some very blatant suicidal posts. That is a MAJOR red flag that she needs some sort of help.

Really, our sympathy is not helping her, she needs professional help.

(And, yes, I do sympathize with her)

[henderfive]

Annwill,
I hope that you will take all these relpys to heart and know that I think and hope even through we have different replys that we just want you to get well and be happy. I have to say that the hurt alot of us have gone through is simular in that our hearts are ripped apart and the loss of a child is VERY difficult, but lets remember that everyone handles the enormous pain very different. My little Angel left 10 mo. ago and some days it seems like yesturday. My DH and I still cry for him. My family gets tired of hearing us talk about him but I don't care it is how we deal with it. It has gotten better but I have three of my own children and that could be why. Maybe on Annwill's bad days is when she post to hear some encouraging words that she is not alone in her pain. When you know for a fact like in my case that the bios are still not suitable to be parents and your, yes your child has to return to them it is even worse. Yes, my little angel was not bio. mine but my heart knows no different. It's not that we want something bad to happen to these children we already know that bad things are happening to them, and so our hearts are broken everyday. It is o.k to pray that someone finds out so they can be safe again. In my eyes that seems to be what Annwil is stating. I would also like to say regarding the health issues it is very hard to heal physically when mentally you are in so much pain. Lets please remember that everyone hurts in different ways just like the children we take care of. Some will do just fine in life despite the challenges that they have and will have to endure and some will hurt for many years to come and will probably have a very difficult life. Annwill, I really do hope that happier days are ahead, try and stay positive and I hope that you continue to post here.
Your in my prayers
Henderfive

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

But I have a very hard time when fparents fight reunification and refuse to help a child transition to a new home, or back home.
.

We've gone fifteen rounds on this one, but I'll say it again: most foster parents want what is best for their fkids. Not all of them agree that moving to an unknown relative is what's best. To imply that we should support that goal under every circumstance is unfair.

I think that the bar for moving a kid who has been in a foster family for almost four years should be UNBELIEVABLY high. In fact, I think there are virtually no circumstances under which a child who has been in a home for five years should have to lose her home and her family. The fact that a court would consider this---as if the child were some kind of property people were squabbling over, instead of a human being--makes me so sad.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

We've gone fifteen rounds on this one, but I'll say it again: most foster parents want what is best for their fkids. Not all of them agree that moving to an unknown relative is what's best. To imply that we should support that goal under every circumstance is unfair.

I think that the bar for moving a kid who has been in a foster family for almost four years should be UNBELIEVABLY high. In fact, I think there are virtually no circumstances under which a child who has been in a home for five years should have to lose her home and her family. The fact that a court would consider this---as if the child were some kind of property people were squabbling over, instead of a human being--makes me so sad.

Please disregard this post by RobinKay.

[mom2behappy]

but it happens sometimes cbs or whatever its called in your state does not do all that they should in a case for the birthparents/birthfamily and therefore tpr don't stick and unfortunately children are sent back to less then stellar homes. of course the kids are the ones who suffer in the end. I have sympathy for fosterparents who loose their placements after long periods of time it really sucks but we all know the goal is ru and the job of dcf is to help families be reunited and if they don' do this and document this then tpr cant happen a worker cant just say you need to do this that and the other the worker should make the referrel even take bios to the appt if need be. not just make a appt and expect the bios to go and if they dont go then thats it. caseworkers have to be more dilligent in setting forth the planning and documenting efforts. Ann needs help imho she thinks she is owed a child because she is unable to have one biologically and that is wrong. and like i said before mayb the domestic route would be better for her and her husband.

[ANNWILL]

I would like to clear up alot of your comments that were made. No, I do not think that I deserve that little boy, sure I completely understand where that other fostermom comes from- she is attached to him and I could see why she is looking elsewhere for care, if she adopts him. I would be very glad if he got her for a mother- it's just I get my hopes up on alot of things and of course some fall apart. And NO my husband and I are NOT rich people, if we were then I wouldn't be on this forum. We tried to just adopt from CSB but was getting nowhere and they told us that the only way to get a child was to foster. Another thing, we in God's way DO NOT wish harm on our little girl we want something to happen to where she will come back to us. I and my husband LOVE her very much and would NEVER want anything to happen. As far as her mother, remember when she came into care, she had 3 broken bones and healing and fresh bruises on her tiny little body at 5 weeks old. Her mother LET this happen to her and she also lied to the courts about everything that happened. You see her mother is a person that has been in the system with her kids for over 10 years and everyone knows how she manipultes the system and people that is why her older daughter does not want to live with her. As for another thing I do not think it is wrong to pray for our little one to come home considering we know that she is not doing well there. One other thing- I do believe that it is my right to be angry, bitter considering everything me and my husband have been going through for these past years. The only two things that I am glad in my life are my husband that I truly love and our little girl. I believe it is ok for me to want to have a happy life like other people. My husband and I went through 5-6 years of infertility treatments and every month the same thing- sorry, not this month. Then losing our little girl, and now going through cancer not once but twice- I believe that if not me that this man deserves to be a father like all of his friends and to have a good life without worrying about is this child going to leave, is my wife going to die this time. What I and my husband do believe it IS in God's hand and his will to bring her back. I am ok but sometimes the pain comes back when things happen and they remind me of her. I wish she would come back and like my husband said if not now she will when she is older because she will remember us. No I do not like having all of this pity given to me but I do like is that people understand where I am coming from. I do not like to think negative, that is not me but trying to deal with having cancer 2x and having our little girl taken away has taken a toll on me but I know I WILL be ok. I just got to have and I believe that something good will happen for us. I am sorry you all got the wrong impression of me and what I am thinking but I just want to be happy again and I don't care how it will happen if it be that I get rid of this cancer for good or bringing a child into our lives.

[HOPEFULINPA]

I think the point that everyone is trying to make is that you need to stop living your life hoping and praying that little girl is coming back. You will never be able to properly care for another child thinking this way. You need to let her go. And I think you need professional help for that. You seem to be convinced God is bringing her back to you. You are going to be continually disappointed thinking this way.