[jllambert]

Sprry to hear that it does not look good for getting the baby boy! My heart just breaks for you. I can't even imagine how hard the holidays are for you and for your lil one. I am still praying the she comes back to you!
When we adopted the first time our hearts were still so fragile from lots of heart break and that is why we chose to go straight adopt through CPS. Our lil girl turned 3yrs old 6 days before we got to bring her home. She was not a baby (as we had hoped), but to us she was our dream come true and a answer to our years of prayers. We never had to worry about someone taking her from us either. Now that we are fostering and have a legal risk placement (we got her at 4 days and it has been 10 months. TPR is set for Dec.9th) I really am so glad we went straight adoption first. I know we would not have been able to go through this back then. If the worst happens and we don't get to adopt our baby girl I know we will have to get out of foster care and try to move on and repair our broken hearts! I know life will never be the same if we can't have her home with us forever!
I really admire you for wanting to go on and keep looking for a child to complete your family!

Can I ask what state you are in, and Would you consider a sibling set with medical needs?

[ANNWILL]

Trust me, there is nothing to admire. All I want is to be a mommy, that's it. Right now the way I am talking and thinking I know it's because the holidays are coming and that depressed feeling comes. I do know that I want to wait for my surgery in Dec. and then see what happens. Even if i have my surgery in Dec. i know I couldn't take care of a little one being in pain and all. I pray and I know everyone at my church pray for our little one to come home. Next year WILL be a better year for us and I KNOW something or someone will happen for us- please pray for us

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by ANNWILL

Talked to our caseworker and she said that the foster mom is considering adopting the baby boy that we were very much interested. She said she is looking into some kind of ways of daycare (meaning welfare)..

That's insulting and demeaning. And you've gotten away with being so negative for so long because people feel sorry for you. I'm beginning to think you thrive on pity and sorrow because you've never, ever made a post that wasn't full of self pity and sorrow. I'm sorry if that seems harsh but it's the honest truth.
"Brandon's" daycare is $316.00 a week. CPS pays $250.00 When I adopt, I have to pay the whole thing out of pocket. $1264.00 a month is a lot of money for a single mom with three kids to pay for daycare for one of the children. Like the foster mom in your situation, I would have to look for more affordable daycare. It has NOTHING to do with welfare. Maybe if you weren't so negative all the time, things would be better for you. The comments you make about your former foster daughter's family and now this little boy's foster mother are absolutely venomous.

[mom2behappy]

Annwill your attitude has to change about the whole adoption. if you and your husband are so wealthy then why not do a domestic or international adoption? childcare is very expensive i am currently paying 1250.00 for my 3 yr old adopted from fostercare a month and he only recieves 597.00 a month subsidy so the other 653.00 comes out of my pocket not to mention his other activites I pay for but I willingly do it because he is my son and I am financially able to do it but that doesn't mean that everyone is. sometimes we want what we want so bad and we just think anyone who has less than us financially shouldn't have anything and that is so not right on many levels. maybe she loves this lil boy she has raised but its afraid that after adoption she wont be able to financially make it there is nothing wrong with seeking aid so that she may be able to continue to be his parent forever, and 1 adopting from fostercare and recieving a subsidy believe it or not is recieving aide. please I can understand and respect that you and your husband love this lil girl but if you love her like you say you do please stop praying that something happens to her so that she can return to you and pray that God watches over her and keeps her from harm because any other prayer is selfish on your part.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

That's insulting and demeaning. And you've gotten away with being so negative for so long because people feel sorry for you. I'm beginning to think you thrive on pity and sorrow because you've never, ever made a post that wasn't full of self pity and sorrow. I'm sorry if that seems harsh but it's the honest truth.
"Brandon's" daycare is $316.00 a week. CPS pays $250.00 When I adopt, I have to pay the whole thing out of pocket. $1264.00 a month is a lot of money for a single mom with three kids to pay for daycare for one of the children. Like the foster mom in your situation, I would have to look for more affordable daycare. It has NOTHING to do with welfare. Maybe if you weren't so negative all the time, things would be better for you. The comments you make about your former foster daughter's family and now this little boy's foster mother are absolutely venomous.

I have also read and sympathized here. It is so hard to give up a child that your raised for 4+ years. I cannot imagine doing that.

I have always held in the back of my mind that this child was still in foster care--was never adopted. The possibility was always there that the child was not going to stay.

Lately the posts have been disturbing. Saying that they should be considered for a child "because of what they have been through". I thought it is about the children, what is the best placement for the child? A child is not a prize or a reward for good behavior or for someone who is self-sacrificing. It doesn't matter what anyone has "gone through".

Kat-L, I appreciate your honesty.

[waited2long]

I've only recently found this thread and read through every post.

Please, please try to change your opinion of those who are less off than you. This little girl's mother was a victim of domestic violence, that is usually NOT the victims fault. If there were evidence of abuse, that little girl would have been removed from her mother's care. Really, poor people can be loving parents, too. Money does not automatically make you a good parent.

I know it is hard, but if a biological parent can overcome their issues and become good parents, the children really are better off with them.

It is CPS dragging their feet that caused all of this heartache. No child should spend that many years without a forever family.

And the little boy? How can you have no compassion or understanding of his Foster-mother after what you just went through?

I am very sorry for what you have been through.

I think if you truly want a child you should look at the Waiting Children. There are so many children out there that need a home and a loving mother.

For now, though, take care of yourself. You have a pretty big medical issue to deal with. Good luck with your upcoming surgery and I hope by this time next year, you are planning your first Christmas as a mother.

[athikers]

This is my third post on the same topic. Annwill, you are still very much grieving the loss of your foster daughter. Until you have grieved and are in a healthy place emotionally, each little up and down is going to continue to be very hard on you. Foster-adoption is full of ups and downs... we think we are matched, then we're not, we're a child's 'parents' then we're not, they're staying forever, then they're not. Its just the nature of foster-adoption, it is emotionally very chaotic. Please, please seek help from a qualified profession to deal with your grief. There is nothing 'wrong' with getting some help... you have been through something most people can't imagine. It is extremely hard to lose a child. I know, I have been there, as have many loving parents on these boards. But, it seems to me that your pain is still very raw and all-consuming. I don't want you to have to live like that forever. Please seek some help so you can move on and get yourself emotionally ready to be a mom to the child that is waiting for you.

[waited2long]

Originally Posted by athikers

This is my third post on the same topic. Annwill, you are still very much grieving the loss of your foster daughter. Until you have grieved and are in a healthy place emotionally, each little up and down is going to continue to be very hard on you. Foster-adoption is full of ups and downs... we think we are matched, then we're not, we're a child's 'parents' then we're not, they're staying forever, then they're not. Its just the nature of foster-adoption, it is emotionally very chaotic. Please, please seek help from a qualified profession to deal with your grief. There is nothing 'wrong' with getting some help... you have been through something most people can't imagine. It is extremely hard to lose a child. I know, I have been there, as have many loving parents on these boards. But, it seems to me that your pain is still very raw and all-consuming. I don't want you to have to live like that forever. Please seek some help so you can move on and get yourself emotionally ready to be a mom to the child that is waiting for you.

I agree. I don't think you are emotionally ready to bring home another child until you can come to grips with your loss. Have your surgery, then get some therapy. It will be for the best, really.

[MassachusettsMom]

Everyone is obviously entitled to their opinions. But let's also try to be gentle.

I know that I am more likely to post on the boards when I am having a crummy day and need to vent or get support in a way that I can't from family and friends. In between, I'm out living my life and sometimes not thinking about foster/adoption/trauma/loss/etc. at all. So the view people get of me on the boards is necessarily skewed. And that's ok, as long as we all realize that we're only seeing part of the picture.

There is also something about the relative anonymity of the boards that let me say things that I might not say in person. Or test out words for my feelings in ways that probably come across as selfish and not-politically-correct. I think that's ok, too, because most people on the boards seem to be willing to cut each other some slack.

Annwill is obviously still going through a rough time and, as someone who also lost a child that I was told would be a member of my family forever, I understand and appreciate the pain of her loss. I understand from my own therapy, that we may never completely get over the loss and that it may be a life-long process to understand how and why the universe can be so unjust. So I don't fault Annwill for still struggling to deal with her loss -- there is no timetable for grief and it may come and go for the rest of her life. It also sounds like her situation is complicated by medical issues -- which must also be immensely stressful. It stinks!! And Annwill must be feeling like the universe does owe her a break -- which I think it does, too.

But regardless, Annwill is reaching out to us for help and support in a time of need. I just think we should try to be gentle to her in our responses.

Just my rambling two cents.......

[mom2behappy]

what you are saying and it would be great if all we had to do was think the world owed us something and we would get it but reality is the world owes us nothing especially not a child. I have felt annwills pain I have also sympathized with it. but what I can not agree with is the sense of entitlement to this child or any other child simply because she wants a child of her own. this lil girl was in her family for 4 years to many with out any permanancy. someone dropped the ball of course but the point is the child has been returned to her mom and I don't feel good about annwill hoping and actually praying that something/anything happens to this innocent child just so that she can come back to her home. how can that be in the childs best interest? imho its selfish on the part of annwill and her husband and she has stated this in many many of her post if not all of them. foster care is a ride we all know and its not always easy I myself had my daughter from 5mnths to $and a half when the dept felt mom should get all five of her kids back in my instance mom decided I should adopt her daughter because she saw that I loved and wanted the best for her child. prior to moms decision I was hurt because I would miss my daughter but i was willing for my daughters sake to make the best of it I offered bio all of my daughters furniture from her bedroom I had begun to drop her clothes and toys home I was prepared to let go when mom decided that she couldn't seperate us she knew I loved the child and the child I and just couldn't. she took home her other 4 children who I must say fp were pretty much disgruntled @ the idea of losing the fk after 4 yrs and complained and talked down on mom in front of her children, a year later when birthmoms nephew and niece came into care the sister had the agency contact me because the family was happy with how I treated them and the child even in the face of the child going home. I have since adopted them also. as foster parents we are not OWED any children if it happens we are Blessed. but we mustn't think that because we fall in love with these children they should never go home especially just cuz we have more money. annwill cant even have compassion for another fosterparent thats just not right.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by mom2behappy

as foster parents we are not OWED any children if it happens we are Blessed. but we mustn't think that because we fall in love with these children they should never go home especially just cuz we have more money. annwill cant even have compassion for another fosterparent thats just not right.

I agree with all you are saying. I want Ann to recover as much as she can, and to feel safe to safe on this site.

However, to offer help sometimes means to tell the truth, even when it hurts. Mom2behappy was telling the truth.

I especially want to echo that "falling in love" with a child does not entitle anyone to keep that child. Becoming a mother is not a right, it is a privilege.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by MassachusettsMom

Everyone is obviously entitled to their opinions. But let's also try to be gentle.....

People have been "gentle" for THREE YEARS. She's been posting about this same foster child since October 2005. Being "gentle" isn't working. There comes a point when people get sick of it. There has been no change at all despite the concern, prayers, and support of so many board members.
And being "gentle" goes both ways-just because you are upset doesn't entitle you to be mean. Here are some of AnnWill's comments:

I pray and I know everyone at my church pray for our little one to come home.
-Praying that a child (who's mother worked her caseplan and regained custody (legally) and has been doing well for years) will FAIL so she can have that woman's child.
Maybe God isn't answering Annwill's prayers because He's answering this little girl's Mommy's prayers that she will continue to succeed in parenting her own child. Isn't that the better prayer to answer?

the foster mom is considering adopting the baby boy that we were very much interested. She said she is looking into some kind of ways of daycare (meaning welfare).
-Insinuating that a foster mother wants her child so she can get welfare? Shame on her. The anger just seeps through

Talked to our caseworker and hopefully we might get a baby boy (to adopt). I told her to beg the agency to let us have him since we've been so tramatized by the latest

Begging for a child because she was traumatized? Thinking that somehow being traumatized should put her at the top of the list for a placement? Is it in the best interests of ANY child to be placed with someone who calls herself "traumatized"?
Also told us that even after a year our angel is still acting out, having temper tantrums and yells she wants to go back home. That kind of makes us feel good but I overheard my husband say that they better not hurt his little girl and that made me want to cry. I looked at her pic and told her to keep fighting baby keep fighting
-This is the most disturbing thing yet. To be GLAD that a child is suffering. To WISH that a child would fight? Any normal person would be heartsick. How could you WANT a child to suffer in her bio home? That's sick.

Our caseworker sent our homestudy to another county for another little girl to adopt and we'll see if they accept us for this one considering they didn't pick us for 2 other ones. I don't know how much more rejection we could take. I still have to believe that our little one will come back. I talked to our caeworker and she said that the whole agency said the same thing-mom's going to screw up soon
-Again, entitlement. I didn't get ____, so you better give me _____. And again, hoping the mother of her former foster child will screw up (after years of successful parenting) so AnnWill can foster the child again.

We only had 3 days for our little angel to know she was going after being with us for 4-1/2 years. During that time she had visits and kept telling her mother and the caseworker that she didn't want to leave but unfortunately she did. Just hoping that one day she'll be back and is safe
-This poor little girl should have been made to feel excited and hopeful about returning home to her Mommy. It was AnnWill's job to help her transition in a positive and hopeful way so the child can feel comfortable moving. Instead of giving this child permission to move on, Annwill ignored the child's need for security and even "hopes" the family doesn't make it.
We had a 1st brithday party for our little one. I didn't want to but my husband said we should so that mom would know that we are "good" people. Yeah good people and look what she did to us and to our little one.
Look what she did to AnnWill? AnnWill did her best to sabotage a reunion plan. Look what AnnWill did to this poor child!

Every post is exactly the same. Full of mean and angry comments because she can't have what she wants-and what she wants is someone else's child.

Shame on her. Really. I don't usually post negative comments but I'm outraged by her behavior. If her caseworker ever saw these posts, she would yank Annwill's license.

Either Annwill is very unstable (traumatized, angry, depressed, feelings of entitlement) and in serious need of professional help- OR, she's not even a foster parent and is coming here with fantasy drama to gain the attention that she is missing in her real life. Either way, there is something seriously wrong. I hope and pray that this woman gets the help she so desperately needs. It's not normal or healthy to be like this three years after a foster child leaves.

Harsh? Yes. Very harsh. But enough is enough. Since November of 2005 when birthmom won her appeal, this has been going on in the forums.

I'm a foster/adopt parent. I've lost children I thought I would be adopting. I know what it's like to hurt. I know what it's like to say goodbye to a child I was hoping would be mine. I've sympathized with AnnWill. I (along with others) commiserated with her on the pain of losing a child. We've gently talked to her about how the pain is tearing apart her life. But, like I've said, it's been three years. It's time to ____ or get off the pot.

[RobinKay]

KatL- I so agree with your entire post.

I have been on the other side of a foster parent like Ann. My ds foster parents "fell in love" with him, so they decided they were going to keep him. Got a (new) GAL on their side, and treated us like c*** during the transition. The fmom actually said to us, over and over, "we can't have children of our own". Were we supposed to realize it was "her turn" to have a child?

I know it's hard and unfair to care for a child for years and then lose them, but until TPR and the adoption is finalized, a foster child is someone else's son or daughter.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

KatL- I so agree with your entire post.

I have been on the other side of a foster parent like Ann. My ds foster parents "fell in love" with him, so they decided they were going to keep him. Got a (new) GAL on their side, and treated us like c*** during the transition. The fmom actually said to us, over and over, "we can't have children of our own". Were we supposed to realize it was "her turn" to have a child?

I know it's hard and unfair to care for a child for years and then lose them, but until TPR and the adoption is finalized, a foster child is someone else's son or daughter.

I always try to remember that. Even now, "Brandon"s mom signed a conditional surrender, however, I still make sure I refer to "P" as his Mom. I can't ever forget that she is his mother until a judge says otherwise. I pray every night. I pray that God will do what's best for "Brandon" and that "Brandon's" mom will do what is best for herself and her child.

God answers every prayer. An answer to a prayer doesn't mean "YES!". Sometimes God's answer is "no". In Annwill's case, God answered her prayer. He said "NO". He made it clear that it is His plan for this child to remain with her mother. It's been three years since Annwill's prayer was answered and she is still angry, bitter and hurt. Now is the time to get professional help to accept that this child is NOT her child. She loved the little girl. I love my foster children, too. But this little girl was NEVER her daughter. She may have loved her like a daughter but this child was never her daughter. If you can't accept the facts after three years, you need help. And there is no reason for someone to walk around feeling depressed and traumatized by foster care. There are psychiatrists, anti-depressent drugs, therapy..etc. If you need help, you owe it to yourself to get that help.


Annwill: I'm gently suggesting that instead of praying for someone else to fail, praying for someone else to hurt..that you change your prayer and ask God to help you accept the reality of your situation.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

I always try to remember that. Even now, "Brandon"s mom signed a conditional surrender, however, I still make sure I refer to "P" as his Mom. I can't ever forget that she is his mother until a judge says otherwise. I pray every night. I pray that God will do what's best for "Brandon" and that "Brandon's" mom will do what is best for herself and her child.

God answers every prayer. An answer to a prayer doesn't mean "YES!". Sometimes God's answer is "no". In Annwill's case, God answered her prayer. He said "NO". He made it clear that it is His plan for this child to remain with her mother. It's been three years since Annwill's prayer was answered and she is still angry, bitter and hurt. Now is the time to get professional help to accept that this child is NOT her child. She loved the little girl. I love my foster children, too. But this little girl was NEVER her daughter. She may have loved her like a daughter but this child was never her daughter. If you can't accept the facts after three years, you need help. And there is no reason for someone to walk around feeling depressed and traumatized by foster care. There are psychiatrists, anti-depressent drugs, therapy..etc. If you need help, you owe it to yourself to get that help. How is feeling miserable every day of your life going to help?

I used to be a naive member of the general public, thinking that foster care was this great thing our country had to help children and families in crisis. I never knew about the other side--families and fparents that go into this to "grow their families". I know it's not everyone, and I sincerely celebrate when a forever family comes together. Many children need homes and loving parents.

But I have a very hard time when fparents fight reunification and refuse to help a child transition to a new home, or back home.

I will add my prayers to yours that your Brandon is given his permanent, loving home soon.