[panamaqueen]

I became a foster parent for the first time last fall, and I have had the same child for the past nine months. He is now 17 months old. His mother has now completed all that she has been required to, and he is being staffed Monday, and will be returned home at some point next week. To say that I am devastated is an understatement! I really didn't prepare my heart at all for this, although I knew that he was not available for adoption. I am single, so it is just the two of us. I am having a really hard time with this. I think he senses that something is up because he hasn't slept through the night since last weekend, and has been extremely clingy. I know that I have to trust that everything is in God's hands, and that he will be safe. I will miss him so much. He is so loving and special that all of my friends have fallen in love with him, too, so it's very hard on all of us. Right now, I am not sure that I ever want to do this again. I don't know that my heart can go through this heartbreak again.
Any words of wisdom?

[greenrobin]

Dear Queen,

I posted on the other board about my fd, Queenie--honest!

She was with us only 3 months, but we were lead to believe we'd be able to keep her. And, of course, we couldn't.

It hurts. It hurts worse than I'd ever expected. Queenie's been gone to a new home for a month and one day. It's getting a little easier to control the overwhelming sadness, but I cry regularly. It's all of the what-ifs that eat at me. You've already asked yourself the same questions. They'll get bad, then they'll get better, then you'll start all over.

It hurts because we love them, and that's something they've never had and always deserved. And so we cry. Prayer helps a whole lot. So does talking to the folks on this board.

My dh and and I were able to go on a vacation with one of our biokids. We've taken off from foster care this past month. I just sent an email to our cw to let her know we're available again. And that we want Queenie BACK!!! We may not get her, but someone knows she's wanted.

I did know that I wanted to do this again. You're right, it's in God's hands. The only thing I can do is pray for protection for my baby and peace for us. And that seems like so little.........but it really helps. You are immeasureably important to your baby's life. You've given so much to help him grow and become the little man he is. You have done well by him.

As hard as it is, write a letter for his family. Let them know what a terrific kid he is, the things he likes, the things he doesn't, some funny stuff about him, whatever you think of. Include it with his things that you send. Keep a copy for yourself. If his mom is ready to have him back, then she'll appreciate it, and you will ease his transition.

My pastor asked me if I intended to do this again. I said of course. The truth is that I knew it would be painful, but the joy I had in loving Queenie was a fair trade.

My heart is truly with you in this sad time. As others have assured me, it gets better, but it never truly ends. Trust your instincts. Cry when you need to and don't let anyone tell you that "you should__________" because unless they've lost a child, they don't get it. Pray. Take a break. Make no decisions about the next time until you're feeling stronger--you have plenty of time. And talk to the people on this site. They are wonderful.

Loving kids can be joyous. It can also be incredibly hard. But it's what we do.

[ranoutofnames]

When my first placements left I missed them so much. Time helped and we also took time off from being a fp parent for a while. We learned to work through the looses and to be honest, some kids were harder to say good-bye to than other.

After the first ones left I swear the radio only knew how to play sad songs. Whenever Trisha Yearwood's song "I Would've Loved You Anyway" came on I'd start crying again!

Artist: Trisha Yearwood
Album: Inside Out
Title: I Would've Loved You Anyway


If i'd a-known the way that this would end
If i'd a-read the last page first
If i'd a-had the strength to walk away
If i'd a-known how this would hurt

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second i would change
Not a touch that i would trade
Had i known my heart would break
I'd a-loved you anyway

It's bittersweet to look back now
At mem'ries withered on the vine
But just to hold you close to me
For a moment in time

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second i would change
Not a touch that i would trade
Had i known my heart would break
I'd a-loved you anyway

And even if i'd seen it coming
You'd still've seen me running
Straight into your arms

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second i would change
Not a touch that i would trade
Had i known my heart would break
I would've loved you anyway

I would've loved you anyway

[stevenstwin]

I'm not sure anything but time really eases the heart ache, but one thing to hang onto is how big a role YOU played in him becoming such a loving, special child. Without you, he might be turning out very differently. you've given him a solid foundation that will help him in the future.

[panamaqueen]

I want to thank everyone for their kind words and encouragement. That really means a lot. I found out today that my sweet boy will be leaving Friday at 10. I kinda went through his clothes today to see what could be sent with him. He sure has grown a lot! And to think his pediatrician once thought that he might become a failure to thrive baby! I am planning to go out of town Saturday, so that should help a little bit, but I know that next will week will be very difficult, so I am planning to be very busy. My licensing worker is already planning to put my number on the call list as of Friday night. I had to tell my case worker that I'd be out of town for most of the weekend. Perhaps that is best, ya know? I just know God is going to get tired of seeing my number on his caller-id! (Just kidding!) because I'm going to be sending up some prayers for my sweet boy. His parents have indicated that I will be able to visit with him, but I'm wondering how hard that will be......

Thanks again!

[greenrobin]

Take your time. Sadly, the need for foster parents never goes away. I know that I'd love to visit my Queenie, but only you know what's best for you.

You will be in my prayers.

[momma32]

i cannot say i have walked in your shoes i wouldn't know what your going through i am on here considering becoming a foster parent even though i already have 4 kids of my own still at home but i know it must be devastating for him to be leaving you. i even thought about that what if you became to attatched it would be hard for anyone to let go of a child that you care for and love very much. just remember you were there for him when he needed someone to love him. but there are so many more out there that needs someone just like you to take them in and do the same!! you are an angel for what you are doing!! it takes someone with a big heart to do what you are doing bring more smiles and happy endings to other children that need it.

[emileelou]

We are first time foster parents of a baby girl, 17 months, and a baby boy, 7 months. They have only been with us for 2 and a half weeks, and already I can tell how extremely difficult this is going to be. How do you love them as your own and then let them go? But I will never regret having made a difference in their lives. I repeat to myself every day that I am doing this for them, not me. If their parents are well enough for them to be returned, then I must be joyful for them, even as I am devastated and worried about them. This is hard work...

[panamaqueen]

My sweet boy has been gone since July 19. It has been very hard, especially since I wasn't sure what was going on with him. His dad left a message thanking me for everything that I did for him, which I thought was [b]reallykind because he didn't have to. After some back and forth of leaving messages, I finally saw them two weeks ago. I'm really sad to say that he didn't seem to remember me. He was really clingy with his mom, which is to be expected, but he used to be that way with me. One funny thing, though. At one point, I got up to go to the nursery to get some baby wipes, and he began to cry and he followed me! He also followed me into my kitchen when I went to get his parents something to drink. His mom is having another baby next month, and I think that I will probably offer to babysit him while she has the baby. They haven't really made a plan, so I thought I might offer; they're having to travel out of town to have the baby, and I'd like to help.
These last two months have been really hard. Some times I've felt like I've been suffocating, especially in the days leading up to his departure. I started panicking at night because I didn't know how he was doing, and it was driving me to distraction. All of that finally calmed down once I was able to see him, and I saw that he was okay. I've never really been a person who's been depressed, and I've really had a hard time with that.
So far, I've not had another placement. When they told me I was up for another fire inspection, I thought "for what?", but that's the way it goes. And then, I had my quarterly visit today. Again, no kids! So, who knows? I am putting this in God's hands. He knows what's best. I got into this because I felt that this is what God wanted me to do, so I am sure that when God is ready for me to have another child to take care of, it will happen!

Thanks to everyone for your replies, and God bless!

[piglets]

Just know how lucky you are that you still get to have contact. and like was said before this is for the children so it should bring a smile to your heart that he was clingy with her. I think it is very nice of you to offer to babysit and how great if they accept
Many of us dont get any contact after and only have our minds to wonder how the little ones are doing. Your story is exactly what fostering is all about...we care for these precious littleones until their parents get back on their feet again Maybe i look at it differently since I had 4 stillborn babies but the loss is going to hurt but know he is doing well and you still get to get updates..You did a great job in this little ones life..rejoice in that and pray to help another