[torn]

we started classes in oct. certified in feb.. 1st. placement in march and feeling like maybe im not giving fd the love and support shes needing. i feel a responsibilty to her but sometimes i just do not feel if i can bond with her. its only been over 3 wks. but im wondering if sometimes it never happens. please any advice or kind words would be helpful.

[Withay]

I wouldn't worry that there aren't true feeling of bonding yet. It takes a different amount of time with each placement. Many times, especially with older children, it can take upwards of 6 months before you really start to feel a bond.

Things may change when school is out and you can spend more time with her. I would give it time yet.

There are times when it never happens. If that is the case, after you have given it a good try you may need to talk to the cw or your certifier and explain what is happening and that you are wondering if this placement is a good fit, or if she might be happier in a different placement.

Don't beat yourself up about it by feeling guilty. You might even try talking with your fd and see if you get the idea that she feels that she is not receiving the love and support that she feels she needs. Of course, when doing this don't ask direct questions, just have a conversation about how things are going for her at school, etc. You should be able to get a pretty good idea about her feelings by 'reading between the lines' and listening to not only what she is saying, but to what she is not saying.

Blessings

[ca-bigsister]

I've been with my 15 yo fd for 8 years. She was my Little Sister through Big sisters since she was 7. It has been VERY DIFFICULT to bond with her because of her attachment issues. She just barely lets anybody in.

Where we bond the most is in the car on long car trips. Because we aren't looking at each other and because she can control the radio, our best talks are in the car.

I would just do things once in a while that are fun for both of you - for us, it's amusement parks and roller coasters. It takes time.

Find things that both of you like to do. Don't put too much pressure on both of you. The more you let it be, and not put pressure, the easier it will be for both of you.

[momtoj4]

I wouldn't worry that you aren't bonding yet. It would be nice if when they came into our homes they were as thrilled to be there as we are for having them, but that just isn't the way it is. They sometimes feel by loving us and having a relationship with us they are betraying their parents. Give it time and just keep reaching out, I'm sure in time she will reach back. Good Luck!

[kansasmomof2]

Hope this helps.....We have been fostering for 5 months, we have a 5 yr old girl and her soon to be 9 month old brother, I feel the same way sometimes. All I can tell you is that it takes time and patience. As our caseworker and the therapist tell us, consitancy (sp) is the key,you may feel like a broken record at times but you just have to be consitant with everything you do and say.

[greenrobin]

Unfortunately, we also don't just automatically bond to everyone. We have this noble idea that we will love each and every kid with whom we come in contact. When we don't, we feel guilty.

Our home development specialist told us this: some kids you will love, some you will only like, and some you'll stand at the door waving and saying, "See ya!" smiling as they go.

You're only human. You feel the responsibility. Bonding may grow out of that, or it may not. Remember, there are always 2 people in a relationship. Your fd may be choosing to protect her heart over attaching to you. Be open, but allow her to set the pace. And if the bonding never happens, know that you offered.

[kakuehl]

Torn,
It's been a couple months... how's it going now? My first thought when I read your post was the child is at a difficult age too! "Tweens" are teenagers in training and so she has all that "stuff" going on too. (Much teenage "stuff" - attitudes, etc. -- is NOT endearing!)

Remember that love is action not only feeling. When we act in loving ways, the feeling will eventually follow.

[mmk090987]

i think there are some kids t hat just dont wanna get close to you because they believe in their heart of hearts they are going home

[chevyjewel]

I felt like that initially with the kiddos we just recently had, they were tough little cookies. DH said maybe we should talk to their SW about having them moved, that was all it took for me to see how much I really cared for them and how much I wanted them to stay after all.

[torn]

hi all, havent checked in in awhile, it was nice of you to see how things are going, unfortunatly(sp)i just gave 30 days notice a couple of days ago.things here never improved and the tension in my home is unbearable, it is unbearable for me and so it must be extreamly difficult for my fd, so in the best interset for all i decided it was never going to be a good fit and hope she goes to a family were she is liked and wanted and i hope she gels with them. we are not giving up on being fp, we just think its best to move forward maybe next time things will be better.thanks to all who gave advice and support.